Name: Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview Collection on Letterman, 2005-10 - Updated
Uploaded: 2019-09-03T04:22:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview Collection on Letterman, 2005-10 - Updated' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview Collection on Letterman, 2005-10 - Updated' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-03. Transcript available.

Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview Collection on Letterman, 2005-10 - Updated

David Duchovny, nice man.
Nice to see him again.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time now for a brand new segment on The Late Show
entitled Alan Coulter.
Alan Coulter, of course, is our announcer.
It's entitled Alan Coulter's Up Close Celebrity Interview.
Alan, take it away.
Well, my guest tonight was David Duchovny.
There doesn't seem to be much point in continuing since he was just interviewed
by you, you heartless bitch.
That's right, I'm talking to you, Dave.
My people have been working on this booking for a damn month.
Not like you care, because you are dead inside.
You sit there drooling all over him like a damn 16-year-old girl.
Ooh, David, you're so great.
Ooh, David, I love you.
Ooh, Paul, you think David likes me?
You're making us all sick, Grandpa.
I've had it.
You don't pay me enough to deal with this crap.
You withered old f***.
Alan Coulter has done some pleasant interviews.
How about that?
We'll be right back with Ray LaMontagne, everybody.
Do you want the girl to do a girl to do a girl to do a girl to do a girl?
Gwyneth Coulter again, a lovely woman, a beautiful daughter, a very, very happy
family.
Now, earlier tonight, our announcer, Alan Coulter, asked me if he could have a
moment on the show to do a little something special for tonight's broadcast.
And I think we have a little bit of time now.
So, Alan, if you're still up for this, go ahead.
Take it away, Alan.
You cold-hearted son of a b***h.
I'm sorry?
Excuse me?
I'm sorry?
Excuse me?
You know damn well what I'm talking about.
I spent months preparing for tonight's episode of Alan Coulter's Celebrity
Interview.
Perhaps you're familiar with my guest, Gwyneth Paltrow?
Yeah.
You're right.
Oh, I forgot, Dave.
You just spent ten f***ing minutes asking her every question in the book.
Tell me about your movie, Gwyneth.
Tell me about your baby, Gwyneth.
Let me kiss your ass some more, Gwyneth.
Alan, Alan, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sure.
I'll bet she has all kinds of great stories left over for me.
Let's try this.
You got any hobbies?
You ever get bit in the ass by a goat?
Some crap like that?
Well, screw you.
Screw him.
Screw all of you.
Go f*** yourself.
Well, Alan.
Alan.
I'm sorry, Gwyneth.
I'm very sorry.
Alan Coulter's Celebrity Interview.
Gwyneth Paltrow, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back.
Time for all good men to get together with one another
I know their problems and I know their quarrels
And try to live as brothers
And try to find peace within
Without stepping on one another
Thank you.
She's lovely, isn't she?
Perfect name for the fragrance.
A lovely woman.
Very nice.
Lovely, lovely.
And I wanted to show her this.
Yeah, women love that.
Earlier tonight, Alan Coulter, our announcer, said,
You know, Dave, you're having some extra time tonight.
I have something that I would like to do for the show.
And as a matter of fact, we are running a little early tonight,
So we have some time.
So, Alan, whatever it is you're up to, go ahead, take it away.
It's all yours, my friend.
Enjoy yourself.
Alan Coulter, everybody.
You miserable, vindictive bastard.
What?
I'm sorry.
What?
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
What was that, Alan?
Don't play dumb with me, old man.
Huh?
You knew we were supposed to do another edition of Alan Coulter's Celebrity
Interview tonight?
Here, let me introduce you to my exclusive guest.
Have you met Sarah Jessica Parker?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
You just stole her, so you wouldn't have to interview Jim Belushi for the
millionth time.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Alan.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Alan.
Sorry, Alan.
Look at her.
Look at her.
I'm surprised she's still conscious after sitting there listening to your
boring bullshit for 10 minutes.
You know, it's bad enough, you come in here every day, you make your staff
miserable, but only a grade-A ass would drag his guest into it.
Am I right, Sarah?
Am I right?
I'm uncomfortable.
Well, well, well, of course, of course you're uncomfortable.
We all are working with that miserable lying b***h.
Wow.
Good job.
Paul, wasn't there supposed to be music when he walked off like that?
Shouldn't we have had some music?
I thought there was supposed to be music there.
No, there wasn't supposed to be any music, you dumb son of a b***h.
Don't you get your lazy ass down to a rehearsal once in a while and you'd know
what was going on in this f***ing damn show?
I mean, what the f*** are you doing all day?
You're recounting your residuals from Everybody Loves Raymond, syndicated
version?
I'm sick of this b***h.
All right.
I can't stand it anymore.
I'm going to look at the dumbass f*** like you.
Oh.
Oh.
All right.
Okay.
We'll be right back with John Witherspoon.
We'll be right back with John Witherspoon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you very much, Paul.
All right.
This is nice.
It's time once again for a favorite segment of ours here on the program.
It's called Alan Coulter's Celebrity Interview.
Alan, take it away.
Oh, jeez.
You did it to me again, didn't you?
You did it to me again.
What do you mean?
You what?
You what?
You what?
You what?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Cut the crap.
You knew I busted my ass trying to book tonight's guest for Alan Coulter's
celebrity interview.
Here, let me introduce him to you.
Mr. George Clooney.
Oh, wow.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, I don't have to introduce him because you just spent the last ten minutes
with your f***ing head up his ass.
Oh, George, you're so good looking.
Oh, George, would you be my friend?
I thought you two were going to make out.
I don't, I don't.
Really, really.
I don't think, Alan, I don't think I said, Paul, did I say any of those?
No, I don't.
You said all of that.
Why don't you go screw yourself and f*** you too, pretty boy.
Okay, well, this is Alan Coulter's celebrity interview.
Well, we'll be right back with The Decembrists.
Thank you, Paul.
Well, everybody, it's time once again for a favorite segment of ours, Alan Coulter's
celebrity interview.
Alan, take it away.
You think this is funny?
You actually think this is funny, don't you?
I don't know what you're talking about, Alan, I'm sorry.
I have no idea what you're talking about, Alan, I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait, what?
Save it, suckbag.
What?
You've known for weeks who tonight's guest was for Alan Coulter's celebrity
interview.
Here, let me introduce him.
Mr. Robin Williams?
Does he, uh, does he look familiar, moron?
Or maybe you can't see because your glasses are still fogged up from having
your head
ass for the past ten minutes, huh?
Oh, Robin, you're so funny.
Robin, ooh, Robin, I thought I was gonna need a bucket.
Now, now, Alan, I don't, I don't think that's exactly how it went, really.
Oh, that's exactly how it went.
Final warning.
You pull this crap one more time, I'll punch your teeth down your throat.
And same goes for you, ass .
And same goes for you, ass, I don't think that's exactly what you're talking
about, but I don't think that's exactly what you're talking about.
I don't think that's exactly what you're talking about, but I don't think that's
exactly what you're talking about.
I don't think that's exactly what you're talking about, but I don't think that's
exactly what you're talking about, but I don't think that's exactly what you're
talking about, but I don't think that's exactly what you're talking about, but
I don't think that's exactly what you're talking about.
I don't think that's exactly what you're talking about.
I don't think that's exactly what you're talking about.
I don't think that's exactly what you're talking about, but I don't think that's
exactly what you're talking about.
Thank you so much.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time once again for a favorite segment of ours, Alan
Coulter's celebrity interview.
Alan, take it away.
Bravo, Letterman.
Bravo.
Alan, I'm sorry.
Didn't think you'd do it again, but you did.
Alan, what's the matter?
What are you doing?
Ah, come on.
Come on.
Huh?
Not sure what you're getting at, huh?
Yeah.
Not sure what you're getting at.
Alan, what's the matter?
What's the matter?
Cut the ass back.
You've known for weeks who tonight's guest was for Alan Coulter's celebrity
interview.
You want me to introduce him to you?
Mr. Samuel L. Jackson.
Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, wait a minute, Dave.
Have you met Samuel L. Jackson, Dave?
Yeah.
Oh, wait, wait, that's right.
Not only have you met him, you had your shriveled old man lips tattooed to his
ass for the past 10 minutes.
Oh, Sam, you are so cool, Samuel.
Oh, Sam, can we hold hands, Sam?
You are sickening.
You are sickening.
No, that's not exactly, Alan, not exactly how it happened.
That is exactly how it went.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Mark it down, moron.
You screw me one more time, I'll squeeze your nuts till you're dead.
What are you talking about?
And same goes for you, ass s***.
We'll be right back with Kristian Amonpour, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much, Paul.
It just gets better and better.
Time once again for a favorite segment of ours, Alan Coulter's Celebrity
Interview.
Alan!
Alan, take it away.
Alan Coulter's Celebrity Interview.
I'm sorry.
Is my silence upsetting you?
Well, I don't know what you're getting at.
Well, perhaps I'd have more to say if you didn't steal my act.
Well, I don't know what you mean, Alan.
What are you talking about?
Cut the crap, suck-hole.
What?
What did he say?
You've known for weeks who tonight's guest was for Alan Coulter's Celebrity
Interview.
Here, let me introduce you to her.
Two-time Academy Award winner, Jodie Foster.
Right.
By the way, Dave.
Uh-huh.
Can I get you some lip balm?
Uh, why?
Because your lips look a little chapped from kissing her ass for the past ten
minutes.
I know.
Oh, Jodie, will you be my best friend?
Oh, Jodie, you're my favorite person ever.
You are so disgusting.
Now, Alan, that's not exactly how things went.
That is exactly how it went.
No, no.
You mark my words, ass.
What?
Wait a minute.
You monkey with my shit again, I'll punch your dentures down your throat, you
old bitch.
Uh-huh.
Now, what?
Hey, hey.
You pull this shit again, sister.
You're out of the business.
Terribly, terribly sorry.
Too much soup.
We'll be back with Glenn Hansard and Marquetta Erglova, everybody.
Thank you, Paul.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time once again for Alan Coulter's celebrity
interview.
Alan, take it away.
You did it to me again.
What?
You did it to me again.
Huh?
What?
You must think this is hilarious.
I failed to see the humor.
Okay, but let me interrupt you there.
I don't know what you're talking about exactly.
I don't know what you're talking about exactly.
Now, wait a minute.
I'm right here.
Hey, say the song and dance, jerkhole.
Huh?
What?
You knew I worked my butt off to book this week's guest for Alan Coulter's
celebrity interview.
Here, let me introduce him to you.
Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.
Oh, great.
Great.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks a lot.
By the way, Dave, congratulations on your new romance.
What do you mean?
I just assumed you were dating Jerry's ass, seeing as how you've been kissing
it for the last 20 minutes.
Oh, Jerry, you are so funny.
Oh, Jerry, you are just the greatest ever.
Oh, get a room next time, Dave.
Alan, that's not exactly how it went.
That is exactly how it went.
Hey, hey, hey.
Mark this down, ass.
What?
You steal my once more.
Right.
I'll tear that monkey heart out of your chest.
I'll cram it down your throat, you senile bitch.
And you, my God.
You joke, boy.
Next time, you buy me dinner before you screw me.
Would you remember that?
Or you'll be telling your little knock-knock jokes door-to-door, you goofy-looking
Sorry, I'm very sorry.
Wow, that's, I'm sorry.
We've got to, we've got to.
We, uh, we have to get him some Paxil or something.
I think.
It wasn't really much of an interview either, was it?
Thanks.
Thanks anyway, Jerry.
We'll be right back with Joe Torre, everybody.
All right, thank you very much.
I'm so glad you folks are in a great mood tonight, because once again, it's
time for Alan Cou