Name: Graham Fenwick-Jones Collection on Letterman, 2013-14
Uploaded: 2019-09-18T03:59:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Graham Fenwick-Jones Collection on Letterman, 2013-14' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Graham Fenwick-Jones Collection on Letterman, 2013-14' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-18. Transcript available.

Graham Fenwick-Jones Collection on Letterman, 2013-14

I'm late to every party, and this royal baby thing has really blindsided me.
I had no idea it was going to be this big a deal.
It's enormous.
It's all there is on television, all of the networks, all of the cable things,
every outlet, every website, every blog, every podcast.
Every radio show.
It's all about the royal baby.
And as I was trying to remind people last night, these are the oppressive thugs
from whom we tried to break away and start our own nation.
That's all.
And we did.
And we did.
Yeah.
That's all forgotten.
And we were more than successful.
Of course.
It's all water under the bridge.
No, no.
The baby could grow up to be an evil despotic king baby.
That won't happen.
Could be an evil despot.
We love the monarchy.
Whoop-de-doo, whoop-de-doo.
We love the monarchy.
We love the royals.
And then there's an office pool about the name.
And, of course, I had Plaxico.
Yeah.
I make the worst choices.
Should have been.
Well, it should be Plaxico.
So here's what we've done.
We contacted CBS News in London, and we said, we want to get in on the bandwagon.
And can you give us a guy?
So, ladies and gentlemen, live from the giant CBS satellite, which is mostly
used to monitor
personal information about all of us American citizens.
Yeah, of course.
Well, we know that.
Live from London, CBS News London correspondent Graham Fenwick Jones, everybody.
Turn on the thing.
There he is.
Nice to meet you, Graham.
Thank you very much for your time.
I know you must be very busy over there.
Set the scene.
What is it like outside of the hospital now that we've seen the baby?
Well, Dave, it's very quiet at the moment.
You know, the people have seen that you conducted some Cambridge in the
hospital this afternoon.
Somewhat knackered, chuffed to bits as they came down the apples and pears and
big toodle-picked
the stonking crowd.
I see.
And any information about a possible name?
Well, Dave, you've heard all the cods about William Arthur's this or Charles
Philip George.
Of course, it's horses for courses.
And it's all just a bit of rabbit and pork to be lay out.
Mince pies on the official document.
That's great.
Right.
Now, in terms of royalty and title, what is the title of the baby?
Well, officially, he's the Royal Office of Cambridge.
What was that?
What was that?
The Royal, yes, well.
Yes, right.
And in terms of the line of succession, where is he in the line of succession?
Third, yes.
Third in line.
So there are two before him.
And what about the queen?
Has she issued a statement of any kind?
Not yet, but she's clearly full of beans.
I have a lovely, jubbly sproke for the first time in yonks.
Ah, yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Well, thank you very much, Graham Fenwick Jones, ladies and gentlemen.
It's a pleasure, Dave.
Thanks.
Hospital in London.
Wow.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you so much, and hi, and hello.
I was just reading this.
I don't want to burden you people with our difficulties here, because there's
something called Time Warner, and all I know is they're the people that have
the cable.
And if you don't have the cable, then you don't get to see CBS.
And CBS is saying, all we want is $2 a show.
Now, that's not a lot of money.
If you think about it, you're looking at a $2 show here.
This is it.
This is a $2 show.
That's what I have always felt about this show.
Many nights, if I think things aren't going right, I'll split the price of the
show with you.
Oh, okay.
So then, then it's only a dollar show.
Then everyone wins.
Everyone's a winner.
Well, now, Time Warner, the evil goons at Time Warner, say, no, no, that's not
a $2 show.
That's a 75-cent show.
So, there, you see, that's the problem.
That's how they get you.
First of all, you shouldn't have to pay for television anyway.
No.
You show me in the Bible where God says, pay TV is the way to go.
It's not there.
It's not there.
No.
Well, it might be in a commentary somewhere, like there's some commentary.
It could be there, but it's not in the Bible.
No, no, it's not, no.
But so, I say, well, is there, we need some insight.
So, we contacted the CBS News today, and to help us now get a world perspective
on this
Time Warner blackout, I mean, it's, what, what are we living in, China?
What is this, Beijing?
We can't watch television the way we're intended, as God's people to watch
television?
So, we called CBS, and we decided to check in with their world news
correspondent, Graham
Fenwick Jones, in London.
Graham Fenwick Jones, turn on the thing.
There he is, right there.
Good evening, Graham.
Thank you for joining us.
Yeah.
Well, now, what, can you tell us what the point of contention is now between
CBS and Time
Warner cable?
Well, Dave, it's all down to the moolah, the lettuce, the greenish, the pans,
the shillings
and pence, which is why you can't see a vicar of diggly, your bootsy and snudge,
your badger
and dodgy, your boo-ha and pick-a-boo.
But once you get past the whole of the humply-pumply and bubble and squeak, it
should be a jolly
ride out you two.
So, Graham, what does this mean for Time Warner customers?
Well, Dave, I don't watch much telly.
I mean, I don't know my Captain Pugwash from our Camberweed Grimm.
But when you get right down to it, they're just a bunch of jackasses and tosses
playing
noughts and crosses with their plonkers and their frappney bits.
How long do you think this is going to go?
Well, it's bad, Dave.
It's like the Doctor and the Daleks.
We're all hoping to get our shoestring, our porridge, our Andy Pandy, all Gasser
and Gators
and Billy Bunter and Blankety Blank.
But as I'm telling everybody from Paddington to Piccadilly, I'll bet all the
Queen's Mums
Baggers and M.A.S.H., they'll have their crumpets in a row before Boxing Day.
All right, thank you, Graham.
That was very helpful.
Graham.
Thank you, Graham.
All the hairy chest, Graham.
All the hairy chest.
Graham Fenwick Jones, ladies and gentlemen.
That's all you did.
Thank you very much.
Paul Schaefer, everyone.
Thank you, David.
I know him.
You love him.
You can't live without him.
Never could.
Never will.
Ladies and gentlemen, our good, good friend, Paul Schaefer.
Well, you know what?
Guess what?
Tonight, NFL football.
Yeah.
Is it tonight?
Yeah.
It kicks off, and it'll be my Denver Broncos against the, thank you very much,
against the
defending world champion, Baltimore Ravens.
So that'll be the big game tonight.
Yeah.
You know what?
When we realized that it was opening night of football, I said, let's get a
hold of our
foreign correspondent, the guy that works for CBS, Graham Fenwick Jones.
Oh, yes.
What's the guy's name?
Graham Fenwick.
Graham Fenwick.
Graham Fenwick.
Samwell Smith.
Paul Samwell Smith.
Got one of those British names.
Yeah.
And he's stationed in the CBS Bureau in London, and let's talk to Graham Fenwick
Jones about
the impact of the NFL and the opening game around the world and in Europe.
So turn on the CBS satellite, ladies and gentlemen.
Say hello to Graham Fenwick Jones, our CBS chief forward and correspondent,
London England.
Thank you, guys.
Good evening.
Graham, it's always a pleasure to see you.
Thank you very much.
We wanted just a couple of minutes of your evening to tell us about the NFL,
how people
feel about it over there in London, and who to you looks good coming out of the
preseason.
Well, Dave, every bloke from Leicester to Glosser is chuffed to bits to see the
bowlers
and the bassmen break out of their snooker cues and their skittled balls and
give a little
how's that to the umps and the stumps and the stumps and the umps, the walleys
and the
wallocks, the bobble job odds and sods.
I see.
Now, here in New York, our Jets, oh, what a soap opera.
Sure.
Now, is there any chance that they'll be able to turn things around?
Oh, Dave, it's all a bit of a bugger and a blast.
When I've been playing with a stool ball and tip cat and nipsy, giddy cat, one
cat and
piggy, I'd say it was a doddle.
And within a fortnight, those balmy nuttles have to be tootl-pipped with their
knobs and
their ghoulies.
Yeah, that's right.
That's what I was telling Paul earlier.
Yes, you were.
Now, that's interesting.
But what about the Baltimore Ravens?
They won it all last year.
Do you think they'll be able to repeat, Graham?
Well, they should take the wiki-keeper's stance beyond the stumps and give them
the old
wobbly-pobbly, the squidgy and the whiffy.
And that should get them to stop faffing about and drop the cobblers.
And once they do that, well, it's Bob's your uncle.
And they'll scrum the cup and he'll be tickety-boo from Ipswich to the dingle.
Oh, okay.
Well, I enjoyed it.
And thank you so much for your insight to Graham Fender-McJones, ladies and
gentlemen.
Oh, thank you, Dave, aren't you the big girl's blouse?
Okay.
Thank you very much.
Wow.
Well, now that clears up everything.
I think it does.
Give us a much clearer picture of what's going on.
Let's tee it up and go.
Thank you, Paul.
You're welcome.
Paul Schaefer, everyone.
Will Lee on the vocal.
Good to see you.
Thank you very much.
Yes.
America's favorite mighty, mighty party in Schrader.
Mighty, mighty.
Now, we were talking about this Syrian situation.
And my position from the beginning was, you gas your own people, you should be
killed.
That was my position.
Yes.
And it looked there for a minute like maybe we were going to go in there and
shoot them
up with something.
And then Vladimir Putin and Secretary of State Kerry got together and they
horse-collared
a deal.
And so now President Obama says, yeah, we're going to vote on it, but not now.
And maybe we can.
And then everybody's saying, well, wait a minute, he's flip-flopping, he's
ambiguous,
and the country is weak, and Putin's now writing articles in the newspaper
about what's the
matter with America.
But I'm thinking now, upon further consideration, that Obama, this guy's so
smart and so shrewd,
he knows exactly what he's doing, and something good will come of this, and
then he will be
the hero.
Whereas now, Putin's shooting off his mouth like a dope.
Like a dope.
Like a dope.
It was, this is a copy of the New York Times from yesterday, and look, right in
the middle
there, he's got a column.
It's Vladimir Putin.
He's writing a column for the New York Times.
Writing a column for the New York Times.
He writes in, and he says, by the way, let me fax over a column.
And they put it in the Times here, and he's shooting off his mouth, and he's
telling us
how we ought to lead our lives.
And this is a commie.
This is a former commie.
This is the head of the Red Menace.
This is the guy right here.
He was part of the KGB.
This is the guy that would put strontium-90 in your pudding.
Remember those guys?
Yeah.
Yeah, and they said, wait, how did the strontium-90 get in the pudding?
Well, he's a red commie bastard.
That's the problem.
Thank you.
So, when I saw the paper, I said, you know who we should talk to?
I called my friends at CBS News, and I said, let me talk to your chief foreign
correspondent
over there in London, Graham Fenwick-Jones, who's been on the show many, many
times.
A smart guy, full of insight, and has seen it all.
So, turn on the thing, ladies and gentlemen.
Please welcome to the show CBS foreign correspondent, Graham Fenwick-Jones.
Graham, good to see you.
Thank you, Dave.
Good evening.
Now, I'm sure you had a chance to read the op-ed piece written by Vladimir
Putin in yesterday's
Times.
Tell us what your reaction is, and what the reaction of the rest of the world
is, to what
Putin had to say in the New York Times.
Well, Dave, every bloke from Bigglesway to Scunthorpe has been fluttering his
dovecut
about Putin throwing a wobbly.
But before this, everything seems quid-zinn, sound as a pan.
But now he's over-egged the pudding, hasn't he?
Going on a hairy heel, and turned a bloody stonker into basically bugger-oole.
Graham, what was the motivation?
Why would Putin want to write this op-ed piece for the Times?
Well, everyone was keen as mustard until that scutty scyver got out of his pram
and off his
troll