Name: David Letterman's Emmy Adventure, September 1986, Re-up
Uploaded: 2019-11-03T02:03:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman's Emmy Adventure, September 1986, Re-up' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman's Emmy Adventure, September 1986, Re-up' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-03. Transcript available.

David Letterman's Emmy Adventure, September 1986, Re-up

David, I want to just take a quick minute to try something out because I've
been working
on a new act, you know, getting a lot of pressure, why don't you go out on the
road and do clubs
and stuff.
Are you really?
Putting together an act.
Yeah.
Where I take a different kind of a hat and costume and put it on.
Oh, this is good.
And assume a character.
All right.
And you have some hats?
Yeah.
Here we go.
Okay.
Paul Schaffer assuming.
Hi.
That's one.
Hello there.
That's another one.
What's happening?
This is amazing.
How's it going, eh?
You know what I mean?
I can go.
Sky's the limit.
This is just off the top of your head.
Yeah.
I just, every time I put one on, I just assume, you know, the characteristics
of the thing.
That's crazy.
That's crazy.
Nobody's better at that than you, by the way.
Thank you very much.
Paul Schaffer is leaving for California tonight.
He'll be on The Tonight Show tomorrow with Billy Crystal and who else?
Terry Garr.
Terry Garr.
He'll be there.
Don King.
Talk it down.
Yeah.
So, check me out tomorrow with Billy on The Tonight Show.
And then, the following weekend, we're all going back out there for the big
Emmy Awards
show.
And I understand you are hosting it this year.
David Letterman.
Yeah.
Hosting the Emmys.
Well, well, maybe.
We're still negotiating.
Still negotiating that?
Still negotiating.
We'll all be there, though.
But I promise you one thing.
I'll be singing and dancing my brains out.
I bet you will.
Let me just clear one thing up right here with regard to future employment in
the entertainment
field.
I don't sing.
I don't dance.
because I don't like to be near anybody who does.
I don't like to be near anybody who does.
I don't blame you.
I'm sorry.
You know, we're all going to Pasadena at the end of this week.
We're all going to be in Pasadena for the weekend.
Are you going to be there, Paul?
Yes, we are.
You are hosting the Emmy Awards.
I'm co-hosting.
Co-hosting.
Not hosting.
Co-hosting.
Who else is hosting?
Um...
Oh, the lovely and the talented Shelly Long.
Shelly Long.
Shelly Long.
You and Shelly.
Did I mention lovely?
Yes.
Yeah.
Well, it's a good feeling.
I'm excited about the Emmy's.
No, you're not.
No, you're not.
Yeah, I am.
But I want to...
Let's bring out our first guest.
Let me ask you one thing, though, just before you bring her on.
I'm excited about who's here to our first guest, but what are you actually
going to be doing
on the Emmy's?
Because...
I don't know.
I don't know.
What?
I don't know.
Our first guest tonight...
Aren't you co-hosting the...
Well, not really.
No.
I'm in charge of valet parking.
You're not...
Wait a minute.
You're not really co-hosting?
No, I'm not really co-hosting.
What are you going to be doing?
Well, I don't know.
I don't even know what I'm there for.
You're not sure why I...
I get to pass out towels when the dancers come off stage.
I don't know.
Towels can be purchased separately, so...
I think you're gonna...
You know, we're going out for the Emmy broadcast Sunday on this network, and I'm
going to be involved
in the production, and it's prime time, and I don't really do a lot of prime
time television
work, and so I'm going to be a little nervous, so this is what you'll be seeing
if you see
me at all on the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, the first lady of television, Lucille Ball.
Lucy.
Hi.
Hi, Dave.
Hi, Dave.
Hi, Dave.
How are ya?
You know, Desi and I did so many shows together, it's hard to remember them.
What actually are you going to be doing on the Emmys?
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know?
I don't know.
I don't care.
I don't want to go.
As you know, my motto is, I don't sing, I don't dance, I don't want to be near
people
who do.
Uh...
Lucille Ball, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi, Dave.
You know, I love your show.
I love the work you kids are doing.
I love new ideas on TV.
Yeah, I know.
Um...
This is pretty interesting news from the world of sports again.
Houston Rocket player Ralph Sampson is the target of a paternity suit.
Uh, the woman claims that the child was conceived in late December.
Now, Ralph Sampson has an alibi.
He said he couldn't be the father of this baby because, at the time it happened,
he was
out of the lineup with a pulled groin muscle.
So...
Ladies and gentlemen, our good friend, Lucille Ball.
Say hello, Lucille.
Thanks.
Just let me say, Dave, on that Emmy thing, just let me say, if you want me to
step into
the negotiation...
I do, I do, I want you...
Break the deal down and start over again from scratch.
I do.
Please do that.
I'll be glad to do that.
You jump in there and bring the deal down and start over from scratch.
Break it down and start it over.
Uh, 8 o'clock Sunday night right here on NBC.
What are we, uh...
Yes.
What are we missing on NBC that night?
What are they pre-empting?
You don't know.
What?
No.
Amazing stories will be preempted.
Thank you very much, sir.
Uh, that'll throw this country into a twit, won't it?
Uh...
Can you be thrown into a twit?
I'm not sure.
Oh, no.
Anyway, the program starts at 8 o'clock Eastern Standard Time, and we'll finish
up right
around dawn the next day.
Yeah.
And you are...
What are you doing on the show, exactly?
Oh, I don't know.
It's, you know, uh, uh, I don't know.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I'm doing nothing.
Originally, you were going to be the host of the show.
And then, I don't know.
I'm like a volunteer fireman.
I have to...
I have to...
I'm there in case anything happens.
Okay.
I'll be there.
Alright.
But I'm not really doing anything.
Well, if you need somebody to race on and just straighten your tie...
Dude, please, race on.
It's live.
Just straighten your tie and then race right off again.
There's nothing they can do about it, you know.
So come out there.
Race on totally naked and just straighten your tie and then race right off
again.
Well, give us an idea what that would be like, Paul.
Could we?
Maybe later.
Let's do this, uh, top ten list.
Are you, uh, you looking forward to Sunday night?
You're gonna be a co-host on the, uh...
Being a co-host, but it's gonna be difficult to prove.
On the air, Michelle.
Yeah, I've been, uh, practicing all weekend.
Ladies and gentlemen, the first lady of television, Miss Lucille Ball.
Good, that's good.
Uh, it's gonna be...
Thank you, David.
Now, now why would you do that?
I don't know.
I'm very, very happy to introduce to you all an extraordinary lady.
Someone I've always admired and someone from whom I've learned a great deal.
She began her multifaceted career back in Hollywood, 1933, at the Golden...
I have more!
Now, wait a minute.
You can keep it open.
Thank you.
I, uh, thank you very much.
God bless you.
I just don't think we have time for that, John.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lucille Ball, live!
Go, Mama!
Go!
Good evening.
The Governor's Award.
So, I don't know.
It's gonna be, uh, you know, it's a magic night for America, Lord knows.
Yeah.
And, um, and originally they wanted me to sing and dance on the show.
That's what I hear.
And, and I don't know if you heard about this, John, or not, but I have a
policy.
Uh, I don't, I don't sing.
Mm-hmm.
I don't dance.
I don't like to be near anybody who is.
So...
Now let's enter an amazing world of furry hand puppets, laser guns,
professional wrestlers,
and talking mice.
No, no, not a party at Robert Stack's house.
I'm talking about...
I'm talking about children's television programming.
Yes, children's television programming.
Where would our young people be without it?
Perhaps out in the fresh air getting some exercise, but that's just a theory.
Anyway, it's good to know that there are quality programs for our children to
watch,
and it's also good to know that these fine plexiglass lecterns can accommodate
more than one person.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I am delighted to be giving this award for Outstanding Children's Program,
because among many reasons, I happen to have a little daughter at home who will
soon be watching television.
And I think it's nice to know that she can truly expect to see some very
special programs.
You'd be watching along with her.
I might even be watching with her, that's true.
And the winner is...
Yes, David.
And the winner is children's programming.
Anne of Green Gables, Wonder World.
Now that we have looked at children's programming,
perhaps in this, our 38th Emmy celebration,
we should briefly turn our attentions to things more adult,
specifically adult relationships between men and women,
as television sees them.
Where they, where we've come from,
where we are now,
where we're headed.
How to handle a woman,
there's a way, said the white old man,
a way known by everyone,
since the whole Rigno Row began.
And they boarded the television art,
two by two,
George and Gracie,
Ricky and Lucy,
Ralph and Alice.
How to handle a woman,
Mark me well,
I will tell you,
sir.
The way to handle a woman,
is to love her.
Simply love her.
Merely love her.
Merely love her.
Love her.
Love her.
Love her.
Merely love her.
Merely love her.
Merely love her.
Merely love her.
Love her.
Love her.
Merely love her.
Merely love her.
Merely love her.
Merely love her.
Merely love her.
Love her.
Merely love her.
Love her.
Love her.
Love her.
Love her.
Love her.
Love her.
Merely love her.
Merely love her.
Love makes the world go round.
There was trouble in paradise.
Ah!
Bang, June.
The whole thing off.
Those people aren't animals.
But throughout all the television land, we've heard the sound of...
Oh!
Spring is here.
The hover.
Open the sky.
The birds will sing.
And if they knew.
Today's the day.
Today's the day.
My daughter.
Who will find you?
And we'll never know.
We'll never know.
So lovely.
Eddie.
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
Because we're going to the chapel and we're going to get married.
Going to the chapel and we're going to get married.
Going to the chapel and we're going to get married.
Going to the chapel and we're going to get married.
And we're going to get married.
And we're going to get married.
And we're going to get married.
And we're going to get married.
Going to the chapel of love.
Oh, my darling.
Going to the chapel of love.
Oh, my darling.
Going to the chapel of love.
It's lovely.
Oh, my darling.
And there's a rock.
Ooh, that's what this love is.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's what we've got.
That's it.
You're everything I need. You are so beautiful.
The way to have a woman is to love her, simply love her, merely love her, love
her.
The way to have a woman is to love her, simply love her.
The way to have a woman is to love her.
The way to have a woman is to love her.
The way to have a woman is to love her.
The way to have a woman is to love her.
The way to have a woman is to love her.
The way to have a woman is to love her.
You know what I love is you and Shelley Long together.
Let's go on to another conference.
Let's see if we have...
That was some hot stuff.
You were blowing my mind and turning me on with Shelley Long.
Solid, solid as a rock.
I thought that was the best revenge for you.
The Trilogy of Terror: Shelley Long, Drew Barrymore, and David Letterman.
What a perfect couple.
You're reconcilable differences starring David Letterman and Shelley Long.
It was...
It was just another gig.
I had a free weekend.
Honestly, we're doing bad together.
That's my next fantasy trip.
Shelley.
What a hot lady.
What a bright lady.
And what a great guy.
Alright, now, where were we?
At the second annual Emmys, they presented what could be called the first
comedy awards.
One for outstanding kinescope personality went to Milton.
I've got ties older than you, Burl.
Thank you.
Thank you.
My gift to you.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
You're terrific.
I really mean that.
Oh, shut up.
No, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
You were never funn