Name: The Two Chicago Remotes on Letterman, May 1989
Uploaded: 2019-11-04T03:09:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Two Chicago Remotes on Letterman, May 1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Two Chicago Remotes on Letterman, May 1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-04. Transcript available.

Thank you very much.
Thank you, boys.
Welcome back to the program.
Very nice.
Nice, kid.
You know, I used to play harmonica like that.
You played exactly like this.
Just pretty much exactly like that.
You were halfway between this and Butterfield style.
I had to quit, though.
I didn't want to damage my teeth.
I see.
Didn't want to screw these up.
Coming up tonight on the program,
Stephen Wright will be joining us.
Won an Academy Award, you know, Paul.
Won an Academy Award, Stephen Wright.
Isn't that amazing?
And also, Laura Skidmore.
This woman has worked for NBC for 50 years.
She deserves your sympathy and pity.
Also, tomorrow on the program,
Michael Jordan will be here.
For the Chicago Bulls.
From New York City, Lou Reed.
And from Los Angeles, California, Jay Leno.
Another great show tomorrow night.
Oh, also on Friday, John Cougar Mellencamp.
Nice show.
You know, ladies and gentlemen, when science, when science now,
when science is harnessed to the power of industry,
there is no limit to what man can achieve,
as one look at my hairpiece will prove.
And there is no greater of these achievements than Chicago's Museum of Science
and Industry.
Take a look with us now.
Well, now I think we're in for something pretty enjoyable.
Behind me is one of Chicago's most famous landmarks.
That's right.
It's Oprah Winfrey's house.
No, of course not.
It's Chicago's Museum of Science and Industry,
and that's where we're going to spend the day.
We're going to blow right through there and get ourselves a decent lunch.
Look at this.
See those guys?
Boy, and you think you've got a lousy job.
Come on, let's go.
This is Gene Brandt.
Right.
B-R-A-N-D-T.
B-R-A-N-D-T, right.
Nice to see you.
Explain some of these rules.
No smoking makes perfect sense.
No food or drink, of course.
You don't want to ruin the antiquities, the displays, the exhibits, so forth.
This one down here, an unauthorized banners.
Oh, really?
No unauthorized banners?
That's right.
That's one of our rules.
I'm sorry, Pete.
Lose the banner.
Oh, okay.
All right.
So this is the entrance to the famous submarine.
U-505 submarine.
All right, and you're turning us over to the guide here.
Rose Simon, who's going to please.
All right, all right, Rose.
How are you?
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
We're going right through the boat.
There's a hat there.
This is the hat that I'm supposed to wear, but it musts up my hair.
Oh, let me wear it then.
You want to wear it?
You wear it.
Okay, you be the captain then.
How many guys were on board against 60?
There were 60 men.
All right, right.
56 enlisted men, four officers.
How many bunks were there?
There were approximately 30-odd bunks.
30 bunks, 60 men?
Right.
Slept in shifts.
Are you sure they slept in shifts, or did they just double up, Rose?
No, no, no.
Let's pretend now that we've suffered some kind of depth charge attack, okay?
One, two, three.
Oh, what the hell?
Depth charges.
Oh, my God.
Whoa, are you all right?
Oh, I want to see.
This is a periscope.
We've seen this in a million movies, but there's places in Times Square.
You can look through these things for a quarter.
Really?
Hey, wow.
Pretty cool.
I'm going to speak a little German for you here.
You know what that means?
Where is the...
Where are the Lander sisters?
Oh.
We've been looking for them all over the Atlantic.
And you can see the...
Hey, there's the van.
Hey, there's kids busting into the van.
Rose, there's punks on the parking lot busting into the damn van.
You're kidding me.
Yeah, I am.
I use that joke everywhere we go.
Oh, hi.
Your name is Elissa?
Yes.
What's your last name?
Campos.
What do you think of this hat?
It's great.
You know where I got this hat?
The boat, of course.
Yeah, I got it from Rose.
From Rose?
Yeah, when she wasn't looking, pow.
Turned her lights out and grabbed her hat.
Can you imagine such a thing?
You think I'm a jerk, don't you?
You guys are coal miners, and I'm a submarine captain.
Do you remember the village people?
Okay, Archie, we'll take it out, too, huh?
Damn.
Coal miners did this, didn't they?
Yeah.
They ruined my tour, too.
You ruined your what?
My tour, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Tradition.
Miners.
Coal miners.
Gene, do you know if these robots can be programmed to play musical instruments
like piano?
I think they can be, yes.
I'll tell you what, call me later at the hotel, all right?
Thank you.
This is robot voices, male voices, female voices.
Type in what you want the robot to say, and it'll say it for you.
General Electric really blows.
Thank you.
I enjoyed that.
You had a great time.
Hey, Dave.
Thanks for coming.
Thank you very much.
Let's go, Pete.
Come on.
That's comedy we can be proud of.
We're going to do a commercial.
Stephen Wright will be right back.
Come on back, folks.
Thank you.
Thank you, boys.
Coming up in this half hour of our broadcast tonight, John Mellencamp will be
joining us.
And then Monday, Mark Harmon will be one of our guests, and Super Dave Osborne.
That'll be Monday back in New York City.
Yeah, I know.
You know, when we first came to Chicago about a week ago, we wanted to see the
sights with
somebody who really knows their way around town.
And I was lucky enough to have as my guide one of the city's most beloved
citizens.
Here now are some highlights of our Chicago tour.
Come in.
Let's go right on in.
Hi, Dave.
Hi.
How are you?
Great to see you.
Thank you to see you.
All right.
Well, all set to see Chicago?
Yeah, I get it.
Well, then come on.
All right.
Good.
Oh, boy.
Hello.
Hi.
Keep your eye on him.
That nose and so forth, I notice there doesn't seem to be any openings in that.
Are you getting enough air?
Oh, plenty.
Okay.
Because let me know if we can crack a window.
Play cards?
No.
Garden?
Uh, no.
Do you have any difficulty with mood swings?
Mood swings?
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
You know where the room's tallest building is, don't you?
What's it?
You're standing in it.
Right here.
Standing in it.
Yeah.
Where we're, what?
Inside.
I'm not, I'm not sure I like the way they phrase that.
We're standing in it.
Standing in it, yeah.
So, we're going up to, what?
We're going up to the 103rd floor?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Is there any way we can stop, like, on 17 housewares?
I need a new lint filter for my dryer.
Oh, my God, Bozo, the altitude.
Your feet are swelling.
Whoa.
Oh, brother.
Boy, the view stinks.
There's nothing that's, uh, we're kind of fogged in here.
Yeah, you're from, uh, Indiana, huh?
Yeah, a lot of people wouldn't come up here on a day like today.
But the nice thing about this is you can use your imagination.
Look down there, you can see the van.
Yeah, there it is.
Hey, there's some kids in there.
Some punks.
Hey!
Hey, you kids!
Hey!
Hey!
Lozenge?
Please.
Yeah.
With a clown.
You know, I've had dreams like this.
Hey, Bozo.
Hmm?
We're standing in it.
The only thing I would like to do is go back to the hotel room and freshen up,
and then, you know, maybe we have some drinks, cocktails or something.
Come on.
Get the door.
Come on.
Hello?
We're stuck.
This ain't funny.
Come on, Bozo.
I wonder if people, when they look in here and they see you in this van,
think for a second that maybe there's some kind of foul play going on.
Being abducted.
You get abducted.
You know, this is the Wrigley Building back there, huh?
Yes, it is.
And it's a modern miracle of engineering and architecture.
The Wrigley Building?
Yeah.
Kind of like your hair.
You want to have some lunch?
Sure.
What do you want?
Okay.
Hey, how about Sherman food?
Sherman food would be great.
Oh, right, yeah.
Go for a big, heavy meal.
Hi, how you doing?
How's your Wienerschnitzel?
It's pretty good.
This is a sauerkraut.
It's not bad.
Oh, good.
Would you like some?
No, thanks.
I have trouble with gravies.
I've got to make a wish here, Bozo.
Okay.
Here you go.
Any idea what my wish is?
No, what?
Yeah.
My wish is that you and I will remain good, close friends forever.
Oh.
Well, you shouldn't have told me, though.
Now it won't come true.
Oh, damn.
Hey, Bozo.
We're standing in it.
We'll be right back with John Mellencamp.
Thank you, folks.
We'll be right back with John Mellencamp.