Name: Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 1 of 5: The Early Years, 1990-95
Uploaded: 2019-11-12T18:47:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 1 of 5: The Early Years, 1990-95' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 1 of 5: The Early Years, 1990-95' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-12. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 1 of 5: The Early Years, 1990-95

Let's all take this opportunity to tuck in our ties.
Our next guest has performed at clubs all over Canada and the United States,
including the Improv in Los Angeles,
and also Catch a Rising Star and Stand Up New York here in Manhattan.
And now, making his network television debut,
ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Norm MacDonald.
Norm, are you?
Well, thanks. Good to be here.
I've been traveling around a lot, watching a lot of the TV, you know,
and have you seen these new sports on the TV where they'll try to combine two
sports together
and make up a new sport?
You know, like a guy will run a hundred-yard dash and then fish.
Well, I love the TV.
You know, I saw a cat food commercial, and I said at the end of it, I said,
all natural food for your cat.
All natural food.
But cat food's made out of horse meat.
Yeah, that's the way it works in nature.
The cat right above the horse in the food chain.
Matter of fact, every time my kitty gets a little cooped up in the apartment,
I thought you'd take him down to a racetrack, let him stalk some prey down
there.
So cute, and he comes trotting back with a stallion hanging out of his mouth
there, you know.
But I love the TV, you know, anything at all.
The only thing I don't like, you ever see it when there's a celebrity that you
really respect and admire,
and then he shows up on some cheap TV show, you know.
Last week, I was watching the Hollywood Squares and a secret square, J.D. Salinger.
Well, I like game shows.
That's my favorite thing, you know, big prizes and everything.
You ever see the dating game?
You ever see that show?
That's a weird show there.
The prize on that show, another contestant.
Talk about cheap.
And they always do the same thing on that show.
They get a beautiful girl, match her up with three giant dorks.
Last week, they had a guy on who was a crazy guy.
Looney Bin, Psycho, Wingnut.
You can tell by the way they introduce him.
They go, Bachelor number two is a shadowy lurking character.
Whose hobbies include skulking.
Please welcome, from no fixed address.
He's just a guy.
Menacing figure shambles into the studio there, you know.
Then they make the girl ask those questions, you know.
Laced with sexual innuendo.
You know, girl go, Bachelor number two, if I were a Popsicle.
What would you do to me then if I were a Popsicle?
Let's see what says in the card here.
And the guy goes, well, if you're a Popsicle, huh?
Well, first of all, I guess I'd take your wrapper off.
If you know what I mean, then I'd grab ahold of your sticks.
If you know what I mean, then I'd press you against the counter to your broken
two.
Put a happy in the freezer till later.
You know what I mean?
You understand what I'm getting at?
It's crazy.
But a lot of violence on TV.
You know, kids aren't supposed to watch violence now on a TV.
They're afraid maybe the kids will copy what they see on a screen, you know.
I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore,
because some 12-year-old watched a particularly violent episode of the Roadrunner
Coyote Show.
And the next day they found him in the bottom of a canyon
with two giant springs strapped to his feet.
A big couple of springs.
Had a little umbrella in his hand.
Sign said, yikes.
But there's violence everywhere, you know.
I was reading in a paper, this guy, if you can believe this,
a guy killed his family because the devil told him to.
Can you believe that?
Imagine that, killing your family.
And then you go back to the devil, you go, yes, devil.
I did as you instructed.
I killed my family, and I chopped them up and put them in a duffel bag.
Here they are.
I'll be burying them tonight at the shallow grave by the side of the railroad
track.
As you have commanded.
Oh, Lord host of the hoary netherworld.
Then the devil pulls off a mask.
It's me, Bob!
Oh, Bob!
You got me, Bob.
You got me there, right?
I got my family in the duffel bag over here.
That's one for you there, Bob.
Dirty dog.
So I had this dream today.
You ever have a dream, and then you wake up, right in the middle of a great
dream,
and then you're back in your stinking life again?
So then you try to fall asleep, re-dream it?
Man, that never works.
Always end up with some weird mutation of your original dream there, you know?
Like in the first dream, I was in a pool with Christy Brinkley, and we were
swimming toward
each other, and then I woke up.
So I fell asleep again, and I end up shooting pool with David Brinkley.
You guys are great. Thanks very much.
Our next guest made his television debut on our program last year, and from
tomorrow through Sunday, you can see this man working on stage at the Comedy
Zone in Charlotte, North Carolina.
Ladies and gentlemen, here is a very funny man, Norm MacDonald. Norm!
Thank you. Well, it's good to be here. I'm trying to become a better person now.
You ever try to do that?
That's, uh, I gave some money to a homeless guy there on the street today, and
this is kind of odd. He had a dog with him.
You ever see this? Homeless guy, he's got a dog. He doesn't have a home, you
know, but he's got a dog.
And, uh, you know the dog's thrilled with this deal, you know.
The dog's going, hey, pal, I can do this by myself pretty well, you know.
Like the longest walk in the world of the dog, you know.
But, uh, I'm trying to become a better person. I'm trying not to lie as much as
I used to, you know.
You know, I, uh, you know, I'm, you ever lie for no reason, you know.
Usually there's a purpose to your lies, but sometimes, you know, just a big lie
will spill out of your evil head there.
You know, you don't even know why, you know.
Like, a guy will come up to you and go, hey, you ever see that movie with Meryl
Streep and the horse?
And then you go, yes.
And then the back of your head, you go, what the hell am I lying about over
here?
I stand to gain nothing by this lie.
The hell am I thinking back here in my head?
But, uh, I'm doing the best I can.
I'm trying to quit smoking, you know.
That's a tough thing, boy.
I, I smoked every once I was a kid, you know.
I always remember, I remember one time I was a little kid.
I was about nine years old.
And I was sneaking a cigarette behind my garage.
And my dad caught me.
I'll never forget it.
He hauled me in.
I thought I was in for the strapping of my life, you know.
What he did is he pulled out his big cigar.
Must have been half the size of my arm.
His giant cigar.
Stuck it in my mouth, lit it up, made me smoke it.
All the way through.
Right to the end.
And, uh, that's when I started smoking cigars real heavy.
So that's, uh, that didn't work out that way.
Plan backfired on him.
But, uh, my doctor, he's trying to talk me out of smoking.
He showed me a picture of a smoker's lung.
Oh!
It was gross and disgusting.
I think he showed me a picture of a, uh, healthy guy's lung.
Oh!
Boy, it was gross and disgusting.
Also.
As well.
So, turns out lungs are gross and disgusting.
And, uh, that's why they put them on the inside.
You don't have to look at them all the time.
You know, they put them under your jacket there so you don't have to see them.
But, uh, I'm trying to get in shape, you know, work out and stuff like that,
you know.
I'm not in good shape.
I used to be in good shape when I was young.
You know, that's when I look good.
I was in my peak physical condition back when I was one.
That's when I look good, man.
I can show you pictures of me when I was one.
You wouldn't know me now.
You know, I gotta...
I even look good for my age.
People will come up to me and go, what are you, zero?
And I go, no, I'm one.
And they go, man, you don't look a day past zero.
I'm not kidding you, man.
You look zero to me.
And they go, well, I'm one.
But, uh, I gotta start working out, you know.
I haven't worked out for, uh, forever.
I never worked out.
But I gotta start, you know, because I like watching guys, you know,
a bodybuilding contest.
I saw this bodybuilding competition the other day.
The Mr. World competition, you know.
So the guy wins it.
He's the best in the world.
He's Mr. World.
So in the end, they say, don't miss next month,
the Mr. Universe contest.
I don't know about you guys, but, uh,
I'm putting my money on Mr. World on this one.
You know, I figure he's a shoe-in with his home planet advantage.
I mean, this guy, you know, he's...
Mr. World here, you know, he's got a...
But, uh, I don't know.
You see a lot of them sports on the TV, you know.
It's not cliff diving.
There's a weird sport, huh?
Guy diving off a cliff, you know.
And, uh, it's an odd sport.
There's no way of telling who's a better cliff diver, you know.
Like, if you survive at all, you know, you're a great cliff diver there.
There's only two categories in cliff diving, the guy was telling me.
Uh, there's, uh, Grand Champion, and then Stuff on a Rock.
It's a tough sport to make a comeback in, I'll tell you that right now.
Hey, you guys have been great.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks, sir.
Okay, Norm, nice job.
Very funny.
Thank you, sir.
And whatever you do, don't touch the microphone.
Yeah.
Uh, my thanks to, uh, Neil Patrick Harris as well, and of course, uh, Art Donovan.
We'll see you folks tomorrow night.
Good night, everybody.
We'll see you guys next time, everybody.
We'll see you next time, everybody.
We'll see you next time, everybody.
We'll see you next time, everybody.
We'll see you next time, everybody.
We'll see you next time, everybody.
We'll see you next time, everybody.
Hey, welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, I've been doing this for about 12 years, and that's the first time a
guest has
slapped me.
No, Richard Simmons.
Right.
No, but that wasn't on the show.
Oh, ooh, well.
Mmm.
Our next guest this evening made his network television debut with us on our
old show.
Uh, now he is in his, uh, first year as a featured performer on Saturday Night
Live.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the very funny Norm MacDonald.
Norm!
How are you, Norm?
Thanks.
Good to be here.
I, uh, I feel a little, uh, gross today.
You know, I had, uh, had some of them fish sticks.
You ever had them?
And, uh, they don't tell you on a package, uh, how many you're supposed to eat.
So I had, uh, 40.
So I'm feeling kind of gross or something, you know.
Oh, I had a good holiday, though.
A lot of Christmas presents, you know, a lot of good stuff there, you know.
A lot of bad gifts, too.
One guy gave me a lottery ticket.
You ever get that as a gift?
Man, that stinks, huh?
What the hell?
Guy thinking, giving you that, you know?
Go, here you go.
Nothing.
Merry Christmas.
Nothing.
You know, unless it wins, then it's something.
But let's face, you know, a guy give you a lottery ticket, you know, he don't
want it to win.
That's the last thing he wants there, you know.
It's a nightmare that'd be, you know.
Imagine that, you know, you get a call a week after Christmas there.
Hey, Bill, what's happening?
Yeah, I remember that ticket I give you.
Fourteen million bucks, huh?
Oh, good for you, Bill.
Listen, what did you get me again?
I can't remember.
I know I got you the 14 million bucks, but I can't remember now.
Oh, yeah, it was a cup.
Yes, I am enjoying it.
Sure, I had a coffee out of it there and some tea, you know, and I'm hoping
maybe soup or I'm
the world's greatest fisherman that sat on it, didn't it?
So much.
Big smiling fish on it.
Listen, Bill, I guess no chance that cup skyrocketing in value in the next
couple of days, huh?
All right, I got to go now, Bill.
I got to go rip my throat out with a screwdriver.
But I had a good holiday there, man.
I had a lot of fun, you know, and I watched a lot of TV, you know.
I enjoyed watching that.
I watched Beavis and the Butt-Head.
Do you like that show?
That is a good show.
I like Beavis, but I especially like the Butt-Head.
And Star Search, you ever watch that show?
That's my favorite show, you know.
Especially the junior dance category.
That's my favorite, you know.
And Ed McMahon always introduces them there, you know.
Hot property!
They come out and they're dancing.
Too cute for you!
And you 