Name: Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 4 of 5: 1999-2000
Uploaded: 2019-11-24T06:40:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 4 of 5: 1999-2000' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 4 of 5: 1999-2000' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-24. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 4 of 5: 1999-2000

Our first guest is a very funny man with his own brand new television program
called The Norm Show.
It premieres Wednesday on another network. Here's our good friend, Norm MacDonald.
Good night, buddy. Welcome to the show. Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
I'll tell you something, Norm. I'm very happy for you because one or two times
ago when you were on the show, you'd been fired.
You'd lost your job at the Saturday Night Live on the Weekend Update because
those people didn't have the guts to stand by you.
Because those people wouldn't know funny if it bit them in the ass.
And they, of course, were hoping that they'd never hear from you again.
They were hoping, of course, that they had squashed out another career.
Right.
They thought, okay, that's it for him. We don't have to worry about it.
Well, I saw two shows that you did, two of the Norm Show.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I guess shows...
They're unbelievably funny.
Oh, you like them?
They're great shows.
Oh, that's nice.
And I believe, I believe...
I believe this thing's going to be a huge hit.
And then, and I don't want to tell you how to run your career, but then just
line up all those punks over there at NBC.
You know, your Don O'Meyers, your Lorne Michaels, your Skippy...
Skippy Lowe, yeah.
Skippy Henderson.
Yeah.
A Skippy Lowe?
You just line up all those boys and tell them to kiss your ass.
Oh.
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I know.
No, it was nice.
I was working, like, all the time, so it was good.
Like, after the show, I got to just, you know, I returned to my first love of
doing nothing.
And then I hung out for a while, and then I started on this and everything like
that, but it's nice.
It turned out great.
It turned out all right.
I got a chance to just be...
Vindication.
What?
I don't know.
Who knows how to do it?
Well, I think it'll do pretty well.
Oh, hopefully.
Because you're on right after the very popular Drew Carey show, and then your
show, people
dial in to see you, and lo and behold, and you know, by the way, a lot of stuff
on TV
ain't that entertaining.
Yeah.
They dial up your show, and holy crap, it's actually funny.
Yeah.
Well, it's good.
Yeah.
It's good that it's going on after the Drew Carey show, because a lot of people
watch that.
Right.
And then people, they never turn channels.
That's right.
They don't.
You know what I mean?
It's inertia.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Even with the clicker.
Well, they're in for a great surprise, my friend.
Oh, that's nice.
Congratulations.
I'm very happy.
Yeah, that's nice.
And at the time, at the time, I think I was more upset than you were, and now,
now
that you're back on top, I feel like I'm happier than you are.
I feel like I care more about your career than you do.
Is that possible?
Well, I like, mostly I like watching TV.
Did you, if you like watching TV, you had your hands full last night with the
Academy Awards.
You had four hours there.
Did you get to see any of that?
Well, I watched it all.
I don't know the movies this year, you know?
The nominees?
Yeah.
I don't know.
I didn't see it.
The only movie I saw was the Life is Beautiful movie.
Oh, Roberto Benigni.
Because I love Roberto Benigni.
Entertaining.
Yeah.
But I had never seen him in a movie.
The only time I'd ever seen him was on your show, and he was always real funny.
Yeah.
And so I went to that movie, it was in Life is Beautiful, and I'll tell you
something about
that movie.
It might be a great movie and everything, but it's got a huge drawback.
None of the characters speak English.
And for me, a person who only, it's the only language I understand is English,
so I'm screwed.
I'm like, what the hell?
And then, of course, and then the title is English.
They fool you, you know?
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Life is beautiful.
Those are all three English words, right?
Yeah, there you go.
So I wouldn't have gone if it was like, Amore, d'amore, more, you know what I
mean?
Which would, that's an Italian word.
Yeah, is it?
I don't know.
It's the only Italian word I know.
Yeah, well.
So, and then I get in there, so it's all these dudes speaking Italian, you know,
and I'm trying
to, and so what they do is they put words, you know.
Subtitles.
Subtitles.
Yeah.
So now I'm, you know, now I have to read, which is the reason I go to movies,
so I don't
have to read.
And you know how, you know how annoying it is when you're reading and somebody's
reading
over your shoulder?
Well, it's like 200 people reading over your shoulder.
But he's a funny guy.
Yeah, yeah.
He pretended the, the, the, the, the whole unpleasantness there in Europe was a
joke.
Yeah.
Is that what it is?
Yeah, he, he has a kid, he has a little, a little 10-year-old child, and they
go to a
Nazi concentration camp, and his kid's not that bright.
So, so he just pretends that to the kid, like, you'll see like crazy, like
Nazis doing
it, and then Roberto Benigni gets behind them and goes.
So the kid thinks it's a big joke.
Let's move on, Norm.
Anyway, you're, you're living in Los Angeles now, where you do your hit TV show.
Yeah.
Yeah, I, I don't like Los Angeles.
You're originally Canadian, right up in the Toronto area?
In Toronto, yeah.
Yeah.
Come down here to New York.
I come to New York.
And Toronto and New York is great, because they have cabs and subways, because
I don't know
how to drive a car, you know?
You don't drive at all?
No, I never learned how.
Really?
Yeah.
Why?
Well, I don't like them.
They're, I find them dangerous, you know?
Like, you're driving, you're in a car, and you're going like 70, and then
another car
comes, he's going 70, right?
And then there's, like, a foot between you, you know?
You're like, and they're honking, and they're honking, and then who knows what
could, it's
only a foot, you know?
They move a little bit, and there's a crash, and you're always seeing crashes
every time you
drive.
There's a crash, there's a big twisted wreckage of a crash, you know?
And nobody seems to care.
They're like, oh, I guess I'll be late for work.
You know, like, imagine you're in a plane, and you're flying, and you look out,
there's
some plane wreckage on a mountain, right?
Or a plane comes beside you like 10 feet, ah, he's honking, you know?
That's sky rage.
So you, no, I don't think so.
But now, you're living in Los Angeles, where it's nearly essential to be able
to drive.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's really, everything's far apart from each other.
What do you do?
I bought myself a bicycle.
And I don't know how to drive a bicycle, either, but on a bicycle, you can just
go on the sidewalk,
so you're the most dangerous, you know?
And so I go to the bike store, I don't know, and the guy's telling me, hey, all
these bikes,
you know, all this technical mountain bike.
I'm going, I'm not going to be on a mountain, you know?
I'm just going to be on the road, the sidewalks.
So he goes, what kind of bike are you looking for?
So I wanted, I said, I don't know, I think I'd like a red bike, you know?
And so he sells me this one.
And it's very complicated nowadays.
You've got to get a lock, you know?
And the locks, they aren't like the old days, just a soft lock.
They're hard.
He goes, the hard lock that you have to, it's, you know, because he says, you
got to stay,
we always got to stay ahead of the bike, bike thieves, you know, bicycle
thieves?
This bike lock was impossible.
A combination kind of deal?
Oh, you had to go around the thing and, like, twist it.
Anyways, so, it's hard to explain.
So, I drive on my bike to get some groceries over at Ralph's.
And, uh...
You shop at Ralph's?
Oh, Ralph's is the best.
Is it nice there?
Oh, yeah.
If you like apples?
Yeah, oh, yeah.
You like apples?
I do, I like apples.
Produce, good produce.
Yeah, the best apples, man.
So, so, I go...
You run a lot of specials at Ralph's?
Or they have, like, the everyday low prices?
No, they're everyday low prices, you know?
So, I get my bicycle to the Ralph's place, you know?
And I try to get this damn lock on.
It doesn't work.
I can't figure it out or anything like that.
So, then I figure to myself, I figure,
I'll just leave it here unlocked.
Right in front of Ralph's?
Yeah.
Because I figure, what's the odds of my unlocked bicycle
and a dirty bicycle thief showing up at the same time?
Yeah, right.
You know what I mean?
You're not going to be in there all day?
Yeah, just like five minutes, buy some cookies and some, uh, you know, an apple.
So, I go...
I get my groceries out.
You know, I bought a lot of groceries, you know?
I bought a whole bunch of groceries, and I get out.
My bicycle's gone!
No.
Yeah.
Some dirty bicycle thief has stolen it, you know?
My God, that's unbelievable.
You have terrible luck.
Yeah, it's just a happenstance that happened.
So, there's a security guy there, you know, the Ralph security guy.
I run up to him.
I say, hey, man, did you see somebody steal a bike?
And the guy goes, uh, no?
He says, I saw somebody, uh, just get on a bike and ride away.
He goes, was it locked?
Yeah, well, of course it was locked, you know?
And then I realize I'm holding the lock.
That's how I look.
It's a bad deal.
Stay right there, Norm.
We'll be right back here with Norm MacDonald.
Our MacDonald, ladies and gentlemen.
I tell you right now, I, uh, I wish the Norm show, that's what they call it,
the Norm show.
The Norm show.
I wish that was going to be on the CBS network instead of the ABC network.
Yeah.
Because CBS needs all the help we can get.
ABC is fine.
They got, they got Barbara, uh, Walters.
Yeah.
And whenever things start to sag over there, she'll interview Oprah.
And, uh, so they don't need, they don't need any help.
We, we need a, a blockbuster smash, uh, comedy hit.
Yeah, you got Everybody Loves Raymond.
I love that show.
That's right.
See, this would be the perfect, this would be the perfect, this would be the
perfect companion piece to Everybody Loves Raymond.
Yeah.
Everybody Loves Norm.
Oh.
Huh?
What kind of a kid were you when you were a kid?
See?
When I was growing up?
Yeah.
That was all right.
Yeah.
But I want to talk about the show.
The Norm show.
Go ahead.
The Norm show, because I have to do this, you know?
Tell the people what it's about.
Because I have to, you know, promote it.
Yeah.
You know, I'm not comfortable in promoting, but.
You only have to promote the first one, and then after that, everything takes
care of itself.
Right.
So it's about me.
I play a dude named Norm.
Right.
That was my idea.
And so I'm a guy who got kicked out of the NHL for gambling, you know?
Right?
And then I have to do community service as a social worker, you know?
And I hate it.
I don't like being a social worker.
So that sounds pretty funny, right?
I enjoy it.
I've seen the first two shows, and it made me laugh out loud.
Yeah.
See, the problem is, Dave, I'm not a great, like, promoter.
You know, like my manager's always saying, I've got to get out there and, like,
promote.
And I'm not comfortable with that.
I'd rather just, you know, talk and tell stupid stories and everything like
that.
Yeah.
So I was thinking, you know, like, since my manager's always, oh, you've got to
promote it.
Right.
I was thinking that maybe he could come out and just promote it himself because,
you know what I'm saying?
You have a manager?
Yeah, I got a manager.
I had to because I only had an agent, and he was no good.
And then they said, you've got to get a manager.
So you've got to get a manager.
You've got to get a manager.
And so they said, you know, maybe Michael.
He says, all these guys.
But I picked this dude that he's my manager.
And I thought, maybe I could bring out him, and he can, like, promote the show.
You're not talking about here now, are you?
Yeah, he's here right now.
Come on.
He's here now.
Come on, man.
Come on, man.
Oh, McDonald's.
No.
Hey, baby.
Come on, baby.
Be normal.
How you doing, man?
Pretty man.
Pretty man.
I'm here, bro.
Let me see you.
I know.
No, McDonald's, y'all.
No, McDonald's.
Here he is.
Put the C in comedy.
Put the L in levity.
It's Norm MacDonald, and it's our show.
On We