Name: Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 5 of 5: 2003-15
Uploaded: 2019-11-25T08:32:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 5 of 5: 2003-15' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 5 of 5: 2003-15' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-25. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 5 of 5: 2003-15

-
-Our next guest is a very funny man,
starring in his own television program
entitled "A Minute with Stan Hooper."
Ladies and gentlemen,
sailor to Norm Macdonald.
Here he is.
-Good to have you back.
-It's good to have you.
Congratulations, sir.
-Thank you very much.
We haven't seen you in a while.
-Must be very excited.
-Well, it is exciting.
You know the feeling.
You have a son.
-I have a son.
He's older.
He's got to be at least eight.
-Hmm?
-And, but when he's first born, you know,
it's the most, you know this,
the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.
-That's right, yes.
-And I'll never forget it.
And then six months later, I went hang gliding.
Way more exciting.
-Wow. All right.
-Well, I'll give that a try.
Hand gliding, you say?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-All right, sure.
Might as well.
-Puts that whole, having a baby thing, right?
-Okay.
Now, what's new in your life?
Tell us about things that have been going on for you.
What have you been up to?
-Not much.
I've been --
It's a madhouse back there, man,
with the animals and Stan Cans back there.
-The weight lifters.
-Stan Can is back there?
-He's there with the animals.
-No, it's Jack Hanna.
-Jack Hanna, I'm sorry.
But, uh, what did you ask me now?
-What's new in your life?
How are things going?
What are you doing?
-Going good, going good.
I'm worried about my health, you know?
I went to -- I go out of the Mayo Clinic.
You familiar with that?
-Yeah.
-Up in Rochester.
And, uh, I was going to a regular doctor for a while,
but these guys suck.
They always want to make you feel better, you know,
no matter what.
You know what I'm saying?
-Yeah, I get it.
-They'll take your blood pressure,
and then they go, "What have I got there?"
They go, "180 over 90."
You go, "What's that mean?"
They go, "I don't know."
And then, uh, you know, they hit your knee with a hammer.
-Yeah.
-You think that -- You know, like from the cartoons, you know?
-Yeah.
-And so then they hit your knee with a hammer.
Ah! Your knee goes up, and they go, "Excellent!"
-Ah.
-Exactly how your knee should respond
when struck by a hammer.
-So you're saying you didn't feel like
you were getting a thorough examination.
-No, no, and I want it thorough,
so I thought, "I'll go to the Mayo Clinic,
and I'll get examined by everybody, you know?
Everybody."
I sound like Ed McMahon now.
Everybody!
So, uh, I go there, and I go to all the doctors, you know?
I go to the throat doctor, I go to the ear doctor,
I go to the nose doctor, I go to the stomach doctor.
I go to the stomach doctor, I go to the ass doctor.
You know?
-The ass doctor?
The ass doctor?
-The -- I'll tell you something, man.
That's the most important doctor.
I -- I don't know -- at first, I was a little suspicious,
because I know that in medical school,
there comes a time when you have to pick your specialty.
-Uh-huh. All right. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
-But anyways --
No, the ass doctor is very important, quite seriously.
-Yeah, why no? I'm --
-Because a lot of --
And, you know, you're very nervous about that examination,
you know? -Yes, yes.
-Because, you know, you don't want it to be painful,
and you don't want it to be enjoyable.
You know?
-That's true.
-But anyway, so I went to every guy, you know, and every doctor,
and I do a thing. I have a little trick with the doctors.
I tell them symptoms I don't have, so I get a thorough examination.
-That's right.
-So I go to the throat doctor and go, "My throat hurts all the time.
A constant pain in my throat." The guy's like, "Good Lord."
So he gives me a real thorough --
And then the stomach doctor, "Ahhh!" You know?
And then he checks out my -- so real thorough, you know?
I don't want to talk about the ass doctor, but --
I go through all the doctors, you know, and I --
I'm wheezing and coughing.
And so then I get the thorough examination.
-And how did it turn out? -Clean bill of health.
-Oh, congratulations.
-Absolutely.
-That must be a huge peace of mind for you.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-That's what it gives you.
It gives you peace of mind, you know, for a while.
Because doctors really, you know, they can't --
That's all they can do is give you not bad news.
You know, they can only tell you you have nothing.
They can't -- they never give you good --
It's never like the doctor will come out and go, "Good news!
The blood test came back. You're immortal!"
-Yeah. That's not gonna happen.
-Yeah, they just tell you, "Well, you got nothing yet."
Keep coming back and I'll give you this piece of news
and it'll shatter your life."
But, so anyways, about six months later,
I decide I'll get me some life insurance
because I have my kid that's -- he's got to be at least six.
And I go, "I'll get -- I'll get some life insurance."
Because this is irresponsible of me not to have life insurance.
So I apply for life insurance.
Every life insurance company turns me down.
Why?
And then I go, "Holy Lord, something's wrong with me."
Because maybe Mayo Clinic, like, lost a file or something.
Switched the records.
Switched the records.
Often happens.
No, I don't think at the Mayo Clinic that often happens.
No, not at the Mayo Clinic.
No, no.
But at the lesser --
Yeah, the lesser clinics.
So anyways, I find out that the insurance company is privy to all the doctors'
notes and everything.
Oh.
So they have me, like, with severe abdominal pains and a sore throat.
You know, rectal bleeding.
Well, the guards are not going to insure you with that.
No, no.
So your little scheme backfired, didn't it?
Yeah, I had to get one of the Ed McMahon insurance things.
You get, like, a million dollars insurance and you end up paying half a million
a year for them.
What -- Have you been out doing stand-up?
I know you're probably really busy with the show, but do you ever get to go out
and do gigs?
Oh, no, yeah.
I've been -- I've been off show business for a while, and I do the smoky nightclubs,
you know?
Uh-huh.
And recently, I was at a place and a dude said, "Hey, would you mind going to
this hostel?"
You know, to entertain, you know, the orderlies and the people in the hospital.
I thought that would be a nice thing to do, you know?
I think that is nice, yeah.
Because I don't do a great deal of nice things.
So -- No, I do.
I'm a very nice guy.
Of course, you're a very nice guy.
Yeah, I know.
I've read all about you.
So I go to the hospital, you know?
And I'm driving to the hospital.
The guy's driving me.
I don't know how to drive.
And I'm all happy.
I'm going to --
I'm sorry, wait a minute.
You say you don't know how to drive?
I don't know yet.
But I will.
I'll learn.
As my child approaches his 13th birthday, I feel I should soon.
Yeah.
So I go to the -- I go to the hospital.
And the guy, Sid Youngers, that books this gig, he tells me, you know, you just
talk to -- you know, you entertain for the orderlies and the staff and the
patients, you know?
And I get there.
So the guy's driving me there.
And we're looking for the hospital and everything.
And we're getting close to the hospital.
And all of a sudden, I see, like, some barbed wire.
Right?
And there's guards and everything.
And there's a big, giant sign.
It says, "State Hospital for the Criminally Insane."
So now I'm being frisked and ID and everything.
And I get in.
And now I'm going, I don't even know if these people deserve a show, you know?
Well, if you can brighten anyone's day, I think it's a nice thing.
Yeah, but I don't want to brighten the day of somebody who slaughtered their
family last week.
No, that's -- yeah.
So I get in there, you know?
And I'm like, "All right.
Well, I guess I'll do it.
I'm committed to doing it."
I go, "Well, where do I perform?
Like, a cafeteria or something?"
The guy's like, "No, we got a theater!"
Oh, a theater?
A big theater in the State Hospital for the Criminally Insane.
So I go in there.
They go, "The Statler brothers were here."
So I go, "All right."
So I go in there, you know?
And it's a beautiful theater, you know?
And it fits, like, 1,000 people.
And there's, like, 40 Criminally Insane guys in there.
And I don't even know.
I don't know what the rest of them are doing.
And so I -- and then the guy introduces me, you know?
And -- and he has -- he had, like, an old bio of me or something, I think.
And -- but it was ridiculous introducing me to these guys.
Right.
And it was like, "Ladies and gentlemen, you know I'm from Evening at the Improv
and George Schlatter's Comedy Club."
And all this.
"Norm MacDonald!"
You know, and there's nothing.
They're all muttering Criminally Insane things to each other.
And then --
So I'm walking -- I've never had this.
I'm walking toward the mic, and I start getting heckled.
Like, before I'm --
You're not even on stage.
Yeah, I'm, like, 15 feet from the mic, and I hear, "Nice shoes, bitch!"
Oh.
That's -- that's not good.
That's not good.
So I go up, and there's all kinds of insane things.
One guy goes, "Where's the Sadler Brothers?"
And then the other guy's like, "Yeah, what is with those shoes, bitch?"
And I'm not even at the mic.
I didn't even get to the mic yet.
So I get there, and then as soon as I start talking,
I start with my answering machine bit, you know?
Mm-hmm.
And you know that.
Yeah.
So I'm like, "Anyone have an answering machine?"
And they're like, "Go home! Go home!"
They keep yelling.
Yeah.
So I just had it, and I said to them, I said,
"Well, that's the beauty of it. I can."
Mm-hmm.
And then you hit the road.
"A Minute with Stan Hooper," Wednesdays at 8:30 at Fox.
Norm, a pleasure to see you again.
Thank you very much for being here.
My pleasure.
Norm MacDonald.
We'll be right back with Jack Hanna, everybody.
Our next guest is a very funny man who has a brand-new comedy album
right here entitled "Ridiculous."
It's in stores now.
Here's the always entertaining Norm MacDonald.
Norm, you look great.
I do, yeah.
I mean, you do, too.
Well, thank you very much.
We haven't seen you in a while, and you look like you're really in shape.
Are you taking care of yourself?
Are you working out?
What's going on here?
Yeah, I'm all right.
I, uh...
I...
I...
I...
I...
My cholesterol was, uh...
I had problems with my cholesterol.
Oh, yeah.
So I went to my doctor last year, and I got my cholesterol checked, right?
And then I came back again this year, and he's like, "How are you doing with
that cholesterol?"
And I go, "How are you doing with that cholesterol?"
And I go, "How are you doing with that cholesterol?"
And I go, "How are you doing with that cholesterol?"
And I go, "How are you doing with that cholesterol?"
And I go, "How are you doing with that cholesterol?"
And I go, "How are you doing with that cholesterol?"
And I go, "How are you doing with that cholesterol?"
And I go, "How are you doing with that cholesterol?"
And I go, "How are you doing with that cholesterol?"
And I go, "I'm not doing anything."
And he goes, "Well, I'm looking at your file here, and last year it showed that
your cholesterol is alarmingly high."
Oh, my.
So I go, "Well, you didn't tell me that."
And he said, "Yo, I told you that."
And I go, "No, I would remember that phrase, alarmingly high," you know?
So he says, "Well, let's do it again," you know?
And I go, "Well, all I've been doing is eating cake and, you know, swallowing,
chugging half and half."
So I go, "I know that the test."
Chugging half and half.
"I know the test will come back, and it will be whatever the word is that's
worse than alarmingly high."
Right.
You know?
So I was so scared, you know?
So it comes back, and it's really off the charts, you know?
And I'm like, "Ah, geez, man, are you going to have to do a Letterman on me
there?"
You know?
And he goes...
So he goes, "I don't like that stuff."
And he goes, "No, we haven't reached that level yet.
You know?
Your cholesterol is high.
You can lower it."
But he goes, "I have to warn you.
You have to lower it, or we're going to have to do a Letterman on you."
So I said, "Okay," you know?
And I went on this incredible, like, I did it myself.
I just checked the WWW computer, and I found out al