Name: The Shirley MacLaine Collection on Letterman, 1987-2011
Uploaded: 2019-12-21T23:13:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Shirley MacLaine Collection on Letterman, 1987-2011' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Shirley MacLaine Collection on Letterman, 1987-2011' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-21. Transcript available.

The Shirley MacLaine Collection on Letterman, 1987-2011

The End
All right, welcome back to the program, kids.
Monday on our show, Den Fujita, the Hamburger King of Japan, will be here.
Actor John Larroquette will also be here from Night Court.
And a week from Saturday night, it will be our fifth anniversary show.
That's 11.30, right here on NBC, February 7th, celebrating five years on the
air here from New York.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, our top ten category for tonight.
And the category on the top ten list tonight is Things Shirley MacLaine Was in
Previous Lives.
Things Shirley MacLaine Was in Previous Lives.
What David Letterman is about to find out may very well tug at the fiber of
what he knows is truth.
The top ten list will then become the thin line between the synthetic fantasy
world of television and Dave's own personal nightmare.
Number ten, George Washington's special friend, Howie.
Number nine, original Darren on Bewitched.
Number eight, Big Dumb Fish.
That was in the mid-13th century.
Number seven, Confucius Groupie.
Number six, equipment manager for the Buffalo Sabres.
Number five, undercooked chops sent back by President Wilson.
Number four, another Big Dumb Fish.
That was in the late-16th century.
Number three, Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake on MASH.
Oh, I'm sorry, that's McLean Stevenson.
Number two, Plankton eaten by Big Dumb Fish.
Early 19th century.
Number one, can of stop-and-shop diagonally sliced green beans.
The cat has nine lives, but no one knows the indignity of a failed top ten list
better than Dave.
What was a vision of light-hearted entertainment tonight has been transformed
into a vision of violence and death, perpetrated on its own creator.
Chris, Chris, excuse me, Chris.
Chris, Chris, what exactly was that?
Chris, you must be mistaken, I'm not Chris.
Uh-huh.
What exactly is your name, then?
Well, I have no name.
Yeah.
I'm the Hitchhiker.
I see.
Oh, I get it.
And you'll probably be making periodic appearances on the show,
and maybe this could be a new little running character for us?
You never know, Dave.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Thank you.
Usually a guest that you have no expectation from
that comes on and proves to be a real delight.
Who came out there and you said,
we wanted to get this guy or this woman,
this is going to be great, and they just stunk?
In addition to yourself?
Yeah.
Geez, I don't know.
And the easy lines are always the best.
Those fat fastballs you can't resist.
I don't know.
It can happen on any given night.
Any person you think might be great can disappoint you.
Anybody you think might be average can be exciting.
I don't have a list to answer that question.
I'm sorry.
Didn't you say once, though, Andy Rooney?
You had a hard time with Andy Rooney?
I had a hard time with Andy Rooney, but in looking back on it,
I think it was more my problem, really, than anything he did.
He was like a very early guest on one of the, maybe the second week of shows.
And I was just a kid who had gone from thinking I had all of the answers to
having that show canceled
to suddenly back on the air replacing Tom Snyder, who I thought always did a
really good job.
So I was really nervous and intimidated by a lot of people.
And I think were he to come on the show now, it would be a far different story.
In the beginning, I mean, after that happened, it was easy for us to blame his
attitude for the reason that the interview didn't go well.
But now, I kind of welcome an attitude, good or bad.
You know, we get a lot of guests in show business who, you know, you wonder if
they even have a pulse, let alone an attitude.
So I can't really say that he was a bad guest.
I think it was me doing a bad job with him.
So if a Shirley MacLaine or a Cher clearly is annoyed with you, is part of you
saying,
oh, geez, I don't want someone not to like me, but another part saying this is
good TV?
Well, I don't know if I would ever be silly enough to say it's good TV,
although you had no trouble saying it.
Yeah, I get a little annoyed, but I would take that any day over a guy, a man
or a woman who feels like the purpose of his or her appearance is to, you know,
like we're putting him in the Hall of Fame, like it's an homage to this person.
Yeah, I would much rather have Shirley MacLaine or Cher or somebody come on a
little feisty, you know,
because then it's a departure from the, I hear your new movie is sensational,
and I think it's great that you were an elephant girl in a previous life, you
know, good gig, you know, that kind of stuff.
So I would take that.
Shirley was an elephant girl in a previous life, right?
Oh, yeah, and a damn good one.
Yeah.
Now, did you have any conversation with her afterwards, or was she gone and you're
still doing the show?
No, she was out and she was gone.
It was a little disturbing.
In fact, we looked at it the other night because we're considering part of that
for the anniversary show.
And again, at the time, it was my perception that she was being difficult.
On the other hand, having looked at it again, it seems like an argument could
be made that I just didn't use the proper judgment in dealing with her.
But at the time, I wanted to swat her.
But if you wanted to swat Shirley MacLaine, you'd have to wait in line, wouldn't
you?
What was it about her that just irked you?
I'll tell you exactly.
Here's a woman who would not talk to us before the show.
Usually, the guests will talk to our talent people and will put together an
outline, nothing more than four or five areas of things that they might want to
talk about.
And it's not scripted, and it's just to help them and to help me.
Shirley was too busy to do that, although she claimed to have done it in a
previous life, but we couldn't find those notes.
So that kind of annoyed us that she wouldn't help out there because we really
want people to come off as strongly as they possibly can.
So that annoyed us a little bit going in.
And then we put together questions about her movie, which she wanted to mention,
obviously, and also about a major portion of her life, which is this past life
stuff and future lives.
And she's written books and been in films and on and on and on about this.
And we thought that that was fair enough.
And then when presented with that information, she decided she didn't want to
talk about any of it.
And at that point, you want to reach over and say, well, you know, why didn't
you answer the phone at the hotel this afternoon?
We could have talked about anything you wanted to talk about.
But, of course, the rub there is the audience at home shouldn't need to worry
about that.
That's not their responsibility.
That's our little problem, you know.
Sometimes you can deal with it.
Sometimes I have less patience for it.
So what's going on, Morty?
I don't know, Dave.
The guy just insists on sitting at your desk.
He won't leave.
Well, he knows we've got to do a show, right?
I think he does.
Let me double check.
Well, no, get out there and get rid of him.
He's not supposed to be there.
I'll take care of him.
How long has he been there?
And I read yesterday an article in the newspaper, despite the rebates and all,
NBC, a net profit on the Olympics, $80 million.
And they're complaining that they didn't make enough money.
I wish that story had a point.
We've got a great show.
Shirley MacLaine is here tonight.
Jimmy Walker, Jimmy J.J. Kidd, Dino-Mite Walker, is with us tonight.
And also recycling expert, Carolyn Jabs.
I think recycling was an exhibition sport this year in Seoul, wasn't it?
It wasn't a metal sport.
It was an exhibition sport.
We're correct about that.
Just like baseball was an exhibition sport this year in Seoul, the same as it
was in Baltimore.
Thank you very much.
How do he do it?
Is there anything else we ought to cover, Paul?
Uh, I don't think so, sir.
We ready to go?
I'm ready, if you are.
I'm ready to go.
We're, uh, you know what we're going to do tonight?
Because it's Tuesday, we've been off for a couple of weeks, and we're just
getting over the Olympic fever.
I heard talk at one point that they were going to extend the Olympics through
Thanksgiving.
Did you see any of the, uh, the little, the little event where the, uh, the
young girls walk around with a stick and they do this?
What is, did you see that?
Synchronized sticking twirling.
Did you enjoy it?
Do we need that as an Olympic sport?
We do?
Are there, are there thousands of young American boys and girls hoping one day
to grow up to be able to?
Was it baton twirling?
Is that what it was?
No, it's not even baton twirling.
They just carry a stick with them, and then they, they walk around like there's
something wrong.
Well, I don't, no, no, it's a, it's a lovely, I shouldn't say anymore.
It's an Olympic sport.
It's an Olympic sport, and it, and it takes a lot of discipline, and you have
to supply your own stick.
Nice.
Uh, so tonight, what we're going to do, uh, since we have nothing else to do,
we're going to give blood.
We're going to give a, how much do you give when you give blood?
How much?
A quart?
A pint?
I'm giving a teaspoon tonight.
We have with us, uh, a woman named Shirley Mack.
She is the nursing manager for the Greater New York Blood Program.
Shirley, are you out there?
And if so, come on in.
Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Shirley Mack.
Hi, Shirley, how are you?
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
My goodness.
Uh, what, what, what, what, these boys bringing in this giant silver suitcase.
Is that part of your equipment?
All the equipment we need to take your blood.
All right, have a seat there, Shirley.
How long is this going to take?
About 15 minutes.
Uh-huh, and is it going to be painful?
No.
And how much blood am I going to give?
One pint.
One pint of blood.
Now, you have to understand, I haven't had any sleep in, like, the last, uh,
day and a half.
You're not going to sleep now, either.
Okay.
Now, what happens if I get woozy and I pass out?
Are you going to let me know?
And I'm going to discontinue the donation.
Uh-huh, discontinue the donation.
That's right.
All right.
And then will you take over the show?
Yes.
Okay.
Um, is there anything else you need to know about me before I do this?
No, I've already done your medical history.
I know that you're in good health.
Top physical condition of my life.
Top physical condition, yes.
My blood pressure was all right?
Blood pressure's fine.
Pulse is beautiful.
Pulse is fine.
Height and weight are okay?
We didn't do that.
We didn't do that.
No.
I'm at 280.
You have no temperature.
No elevation.
No elevation.
286.
Okay, we're getting the, uh, speed up sign here, uh, so let's go ahead, Shirley.
Show me what I have to do.
You need pillows for his, uh...
Now let's get the pillows right here.
Paul, we're going to need music, I have a feeling.
You want both pillows?
Well, I don't know, Shirley.
You tell me.
I'm awfully tired.
Do I take off my...
All the gas is no loud snoring, yes.
No loud snoring.
Take off your jacket, roll up the sleeve that we've already selected.
Any disrobing?
Not in public.
Uh-huh.
How about you?
Hang that up over there.
All right.
You're going to lie down up here.
I'm going to lie down over here.
It's going to hurt, isn't it?
I'm going to feel a terrible pain in my arm, and then I'm going to get woozy,
and I'm
going to get sweaty on my, uh, upper lip and my forehead.
Have you donated before?
Once a long time ago.
Okay, just lie down there.
Paul, what is that?
Red, red wine.
Oh, red, red wine.
I see.
Did you enjoy the Olympics, Shirley?
I just want you to roll up this sleeve before you lie down.
Sure, I'd be happy to.
Mm-hmm.
And it shouldn't take more than 15 minutes.
If it does...
What does it mean if it does?
No, it's not going to take more than 15 minutes.
No, no.
And we're going to get a quart out of this.
We're getting one pint.
One pint.
One pint.
Now, you can lie back here.
I'm thinking of preserves.
Now, I have a very unusual blood type.
You do?
Yes, it's, uh, A negative.
Yes.
Is that unusual?
That's one of the rare types.
Yeah.
Well, aren't you impressed?
I am very i