Name: Teri Garr Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 5: 1987-1989
Uploaded: 2020-01-03T23:49:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Teri Garr Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 5: 1987-1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Teri Garr Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 5: 1987-1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-03. Transcript available.

Teri Garr Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 5: 1987-1989

Thank you.
Beautiful day. Beautiful day here in New York.
Springtime now. Very nice.
Well, this is great. This woman's been out of the country for a while,
and she hasn't been on our show in some time either,
and we're happy to have her back tonight.
Just back, I'm told, from her talk show debut in the United Kingdom.
And here tonight to plug her upcoming Hallmark special entitled Pack of Lies,
a good friend of ours, and, ladies and gentlemen,
seriously, one fabulous babe, Terry Garr.
Hello, Terry. Nice to see you. Thank you for being here.
You see that?
What do you think?
Pretty neat, huh? Look at that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Multifunction look. You can do that.
Then you can turn those on and then turn this on.
Look at that. Look at there.
Have you ever, in your wildest dreams, imagined anything quite like that?
Never.
Isn't it like the gardens at Versailles?
No.
No.
How you doing?
You look great.
Thanks, Dave.
You are great. Nice to have you here.
Thank you very much.
You're one of my all-time favorite friends. We're friends, aren't we, more or
less?
More or less. I think mostly less.
What the hell?
No, we are friends more.
What were you doing there in London? Were you in London?
Yes, Dave.
You were a play, weren't you? Doing a play?
No.
TV show?
I was doing this thing called Pack of Lies.
It's not a play? It's not a play? No.
No?
Sneeze for us, Dave.
I don't have to sneeze.
Oh, okay. Sorry.
He was doing some sneezing.
See, now, I look foolish when I bring this up.
Because in the makeup room, you don't care.
You set me up for these things.
I didn't do anything.
In the makeup room, he was doing fake sneezes that no one would believe.
And he thought I'd fall for it, and I didn't.
And now you ask him to do it, and he says, no.
I don't know what she's talking about, right?
Oh! Oh, I suppose I'm just like a babbling idiot, like this.
Let's go on. Maybe they can edit this out later and try and salvage something.
Why do I do this show? No, I don't know.
All right, now, let's just settle down.
We're still not too far gone.
Tell me about your visit to London.
Doing Pack of Lies in a live theater?
No.
You know, Terry, a minute ago, I said, Pack of Lies.
Is it a play?
And you said, no, no, no, no, no.
So now I say, are you doing it in a live theater?
And you say, no, sarcastically.
So I'm thinking, since it's not a live play, you were doing it in a television
studio.
Now, which was it?
You know, I'm not going to let you lose, make me.
Wait a minute.
Wait a second.
Oh, no.
Pack of Lies was a play, and now...
Oh, it was a play.
Don't touch me!
Brother.
Now, that was uncalled for.
I'm sorry.
Pack of Lies was a...
There he is!
See?
It totally fakes me.
It totally fakes me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead, Terry.
It's the best we can do.
It's not supposed to be funny.
Believe me, it is the best we can do.
It is.
I swear to God.
All right.
Pack of Lies.
Pack of Lies was a play.
And now, it was done as a TV movie.
A TV movie?
As a TV movie.
A Hallmark special.
Hallmark special.
You knew all this, but you thought you'd goad me by saying, what's it a play?
No, it's not a play.
It's a TV movie for CBS, Hallmark, Hallmark, Hallmark.
Yes.
Nice piece of work, I'm guessing.
Yes.
You know, I really prefer not to talk about it.
You know why?
Because it's a serious thing, and I noticed that anyone...
Oh, I'm going to ruin it.
Yes, anybody that comes on the show to talk about a serious thing, you make fun
of.
And conversely, if I were to come on the show with some jokes, which I've done
in the past,
you sit there like a stone, stubborn, cold, like that.
So, you know, it's like you do the opposite of what I...
So, I'm not going to play on the game.
Like, I'm going to taint the whole project, right?
Yes, exactly.
No, no, no, I'm just...
I don't want to talk about it.
All right, all right.
Let's talk about something you want to talk about.
Go right ahead.
Anything.
Tell me about you.
You were on a talk show in London, right?
Oh, yes, I was on a talk show.
Yeah, what show was that?
It's called The Last Resort.
Last Resort, nightly show, is it?
No, I think it's only on once a week.
Once a week.
It's kind of patterned after your show, but not really.
It's like a little new kind of show.
Now, let me tell you about how they do this show.
The guy takes me out to lunch.
The host.
Who is the guy, the host?
His name is Jonathan Ross.
Jonathan Ross.
Or something like that.
Jonathan Ross.
Takes me to lunch.
Takes me to lunch.
Right.
This is very unheard of, isn't it, Dave?
And asks me questions.
Writes down the answers like they were important.
And thinks about all this stuff that he's going to ask me on the show.
And talks to me and things like that.
Picked you up at the airport, probably?
No, they didn't do that.
Didn't pick you up at the airport?
No.
But they were very, very nice.
The only thing is, you know, it backfires.
Because on me, if I tell this guy all these stories at lunch,
and then we go on TV and he asks me the same questions, I go...
You're not interested.
I've already told him the answers.
I'm a sincere person.
I don't repeat myself.
So this system, as flawed as it may be, is actually superior, then, isn't it?
We kind of back into things, so to speak.
Yes, we do, so to speak.
I don't even know what that means.
I don't either.
Now, what kind of guy is this Jonathan Ross?
He's cute.
Cute?
How old a man is he?
He's about 24.
24?
And what other things do they do on the show?
Oh, you know, they do, like this kind of...
They do stupid things.
Not stupid...
Did he like you?
Did you get the sense that he liked you?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, that's good.
He made me this book.
No, no, no, he didn't make me this book.
This book is my book.
You're nuts.
This is my book.
You're just nuts.
What is this?
No, better not do this.
No, no, no.
Oh, this is the ugliest.
Let me see this.
Let me see this.
Yeah, no.
Let me see it.
Hal, get ready to stop the tape, will you?
Let me see.
It's the Terry Garr Papers.
Terry Garr Papers.
I'm going to show this.
It's something you made.
You thought this was...
No, I did not make this.
This guy made this.
It's the Terry Garr Papers.
Here we go.
This is Terry's idea.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's see it.
No, I guess it's really not that funny.
Let's throw it through the window.
No, don't throw it through the window.
Let's show it through the...
If there's a problem, we can take it right out.
I think there's going to be a problem.
It's the Terry Garr Papers.
There's something sexual about it?
All right.
That's just...
It's good, though.
It's good content.
A piece of work.
Nice piece of work?
Yes.
All right.
All right.
We'll do a commercial, and then we'll be right back here with Terry.
Terry Garr is here, and also Tim McCarver.
Are you a baseball fan?
Baseball?
I say, are you a baseball fan?
Tim McCarver is on the show tonight.
Oh, good.
He does play-by-play for the Mets, their TV telecasts.
Yeah.
Very nice man.
Former ball player himself.
Yes.
Let's see.
So, tell me about your trip back from London.
Well, I'm so glad you asked.
See, this is the kind of thing I'm talking about.
This is the...
Well, I came back yesterday morning on the...
You came back on the...
Concorde.
Yeah.
And everyone said...
Supersonic aircraft.
Oh, yes.
Everyone said to me, you're going to love this.
You're never, ever going to want to fly any other way but the Concorde.
So, I was really looking forward to it.
But it was...
Have you ever been on it?
Yeah.
You have?
What did you think?
I loved it.
It's a thrill.
It was great fun.
Two and a half times the speed of sound.
Boom!
Whoa!
Yes, I know.
I didn't know that, though, before I thought maybe it would be a fast plane.
But I didn't know that, you know, after you're up there about 25 minutes,
the captain comes on and says, okay, now we're really going to go fast.
Now we're going to go fast.
We're going to break the sound...
Well, what does he say?
In about three minutes, we're going to really accelerate.
We're going to go 57,000 feet in the air.
We're going to go 1,300 miles an hour.
You know, it's like, why is he telling me this?
So that I can raise my hand and say, no, no, no, don't do that.
I don't think you should do that.
And he does it anyway.
And he says, you might feel a little rattle when we break the sound barrier.
I go, break the sound barrier?
I don't want to break...
And, you know, then there's, in the plane, I'm in all these guys, men,
all these men sitting there reading the Financial Times, you know,
and ordering the businessman's lunch.
They don't care.
They just talk, da, da, da, da.
And I go, whoa, they're going to break the sound barrier.
You guys, stop it.
You know, they don't care.
Yeah.
And I am, you know, I'm an actress.
I'm a sensitive person.
I can't be breaking the sound barrier, you know.
You, uh, you heard we put a man on the moon, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, we did.
We did.
No kidding.
Yeah.
Uh, but I enjoyed it.
I'm not sure I like your attitude.
Oh, stop it.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
No, you like my, you like, you like me, you like the show.
We're happy to have you.
You're happy to be here.
It's a great, it's like family.
Me, Paul, everybody, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
How long were you, how long were you in, uh, do you say, do you say Great
Britain,
the United Kingdom, what do you say?
I say, um, I was there about seven weeks.
I say hellhole, you know.
Oh, well, that's very nice.
Oh, sorry.
You didn't like being there?
Well, it was very cold, you know, it was chilly all the time.
Yeah, but London, to not love London is to not love life.
Oh, is that true?
Where'd you do that from?
Your channeler?
From my what?
Your channeler?
My channeler.
No, I didn't.
Oh, sorry.
So, uh, and now you're back and, uh, busying yourself with other projects?
Yes.
Yes, I am.
Like what?
What do you mean, like what?
Well, like what?
Well, I'm about to do a film.
I'm about to do a film called Stiffs with John Lithgow and, uh, Randy Quaid.
Oh, good cast, eh?
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Yeah.
Yes, I play a murderer.
Oh, that'll be good.
So watch out, because I have to do some, you know, method studying practice to
murder people.
I want, I want you to stay here for the rest of the night.
Why?
Well, because I think it would help the, the overall show if you're, if you
would be with
us the rest of the evening.
That's awfully kind of you, but this is a certain kind of torture that I always
forget when I'm,
I always forget when they call me and ask me to do the show.
I go, whoa, why not?
Then I'm here and I realize what it's like.
It's, it's fun.
You're having a lot of fun and you can sit right there.
Mr. McCarver will come out and he'll sit right there.
It'll be great.
It'll be like Merv Griffin used to do.
Oh, yeah?
You're beginning to look at it.
Look, I can't, I can't, I can't get this buttoned anymore.
See?
That's the Merv Griffin talk show body right there.
I can't, I can't get it.
You're getting it?
I'm getting it.
Yes, I am getting it.
So will you do that?
Will you stay as my own personal guest right there and visit with us?
Come on.
Sure you will.
No, I'm afraid not.
Please, come on.
I'm afraid not.
Now, where do you have to go?
You have to go somewhere?
Yeah.
Where?
I don't know.
Come on.
Come on, stay.
Dentist?
I have a dentist appointment.
No, it's, it's after six.
Look, it's at six o'clock now.
You can't go anywhere.
Stay.
I'd like to go meet Jim Baker.
That should only take a few minutes so you can come back.
Now, stay.
I'm a macho guy.
Please, shut up.
Just stay.
Do you mind?
Please, come on.
No, I can't stay.
Stop it.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
I bet you could, if you were in the proper frame of mind.
Wait a second.
You know what this is beginning to remind me of?
No, no, no, not that.
No, we want you here.
We want you here because I feel like, one, I owe you something, and two, we're
just enchanted
to have you back in the country.
Are you?
Yeah.
Gee, I guess you swayed me right into it.
All right, good.
So you can stay with us?
Come on, Terry, please.
What's the point?
What do