Name: Oprah Log, Day 1, & "TV at 2 am Quiz" on Late Show, November 8, 2001
Uploaded: 2020-01-16T02:31:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Oprah Log, Day 1, & "TV at 2 am Quiz" on Late Show, November 8, 2001' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Oprah Log, Day 1, & "TV at 2 am Quiz" on Late Show, November 8, 2001' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-16. Transcript available.

Music
Paul Schaefer and the Paul Schaefer CBS Orchestra.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Thank you.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry?
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just making a little entry.
I'll be here with you.
Making an entry?
Yeah.
Making an entry.
What is that?
Well, you know, this is my Oprah log.
Oh.
If you were with us yesterday, on yesterday's show, we discussed the importance
of setting
goals and objectives for yourself.
And I pointed out that in my life, I pretty much had been objective-less.
No really, no goals in my life, one minute to the next minute.
Take each day as it comes.
And then I thought, well, this is wrong.
I ought to set a goal.
I ought to have an objective.
And my goal now, and this is going to be my little project, that's why I
thought it'd
be interesting to have the Oprah log.
And this will be good for you people also out there.
If you feel like you're free-falling in a, you're concerned and nervous and you
need some
direction, well, just follow along with me on my quest, you see.
And maybe that will help straighten out you and your life and it's a simple one.
I want to be on Oprah.
That's all.
That's all.
I just, I want to be on Oprah.
So, I think it's important.
So this is the first day, Thursday, the 8th of November, 2001.
And the entry, did not hear from Oprah.
I haven't heard from you yet.
Okay.
I haven't heard from you yet.
So that's my first entry in the Oprah log.
Okay.
I did not hear from Oprah today.
I haven't heard from you yet.
But I'm not discouraged because it's only been 24 hours and Oprah does the show
in Chicago.
It's a different time zone.
It's an hour different.
Right.
So, and I'm not discouraged.
And that's the key.
Whenever you set a goal for yourself, do not be discouraged.
Ah.
And I was thinking about this.
I've been on like 20 years.
Oprah's been on like 20 years.
Yes.
And I've never been on the Oprah show, never been invited to be on the Oprah
show.
And I'll be a fantastic get.
Well, there's a reason for that.
Oprah hates me.
But that's the thing.
I want to accomplish a couple of things.
I want to go on.
I want to be the best guest she's ever had on the show.
And I want to bury the hatchet between Oprah and myself.
I love Oprah.
Oprah hates me.
Well, you know, it's time for a change.
All of that is silly now.
Don't you think all of that is silly now?
Priorities are different now.
Exactly.
So, Oprah and I will have a...
And many of the stars on Oprah's show have been on more than once.
Many have been on more than once.
Many have been on a half a dozen times.
I've never been on at all.
So, here's what I would like now.
I would like a two-part Oprah.
Oh, a two-part.
I would like a two-part Oprah.
I understand.
Well, is that a condition...
Are you making that a condition of the deal?
It's just part of my goal.
Every day, maybe adjust your goal.
If you haven't realized your goal, adjust your goal.
That's what we've learned today.
Yesterday was set your goal.
Today, adjust your goal.
Adjust your goal.
And before you know it, I have every reason to believe one day we'll get that
call.
It'll be Oprah.
I'll be on my way to Chicago and we'll be doing the first of that two-part
Oprah.
Then we'll celebrate.
Then we will dance.
That's right.
If you get on Oprah.
I'd like you to be with me.
I could come, too?
I'd like you to be with me on Oprah.
Come on, sure.
I think so, because we...
On both parts?
Both parts, though?
Or what?
No, I don't think...
I could be the second part.
Yeah, that would be good.
That would be good.
Come on, the second part.
Because the first part would be devoted to me and my struggles, I think.
Sure.
And as I mentioned last night, I have a lot of demons that I haven't...
I've never talked about my demons.
But I will talk about my demons on Oprah.
You've been saving them for Oprah.
Yes, and I'll talk about my hopes and my dreams.
Hopes and dreams.
And Oprah, this is not a guarantee, but I think there's a good chance that I'll
begin to sob
like a drunk at a wedding.
Oh, you see.
Now you're talking.
And if we do this right, if we build this as a grudge match between Oprah and
myself,
the ratings for this thing will be sky high.
I'll see.
We're looking at Super Bowl ratings.
I'll see, yeah.
And maybe what we could do is simulcast it here in this time period, as well as
Oprah's
time period.
It'll be that big.
Really?
Don't you think?
So at that time, when you go on, there would be no late show.
That's right.
It would be a special edition.
A special edition of late show, the Oprah grudge match.
That's right.
Great.
And then how about this?
Part two, I come on and we just have a big hootenanny.
Yeah.
How about that?
Yeah, okay.
Vince Vaughn is on the program tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
One of the stars of Domestic Disturbance.
Singer Faith Evans.
Wait till you hear her.
Wait till you hear her.
Wait till you hear this song, this band.
Unbelievable.
Great.
This is great.
This is some of the greatest music I've heard.
Look forward to that.
It's going to be a great show.
Faith Evans.
And I think this would be helpful if Oprah now starts watching the show and she
sees what
a great show we do, that she'll be more inclined than to have us on her show.
I would say so, yeah.
Because, you know, Oprah's nothing if not a shrewd businesswoman.
She doesn't want us to go on there and tank.
No.
You know, she only wants the top stars of the day on her show.
Yeah.
So now we really, so this is good for us.
Now we really have something else to strive for.
Now we have to, yeah.
Make each show as good as we possibly can.
Now we have to rise to that level.
We have to get on Oprah.
We have to rise to Oprah's level.
Yeah.
You know this, uh, this, well, he's right.
But don't wear that purple thing when you go on Oprah.
Oh, I wouldn't.
Because it's, uh.
Not even for the hootenanny, because by the time I get on, it's just the hootenanny.
It's a daytime show.
You'll frighten people.
Oh, I don't want to do it.
I thought you said it was dated.
This, uh, this Mike Bloomberg, he's the mayor-elect.
And sometimes when anybody's new at something, they don't quite get it, you
know?
Sure.
Well, I think we've got a problem with this guy.
Well, already.
He won the election Tuesday night.
Yeah.
And he defeated, uh, Mark Green.
Yeah.
But I don't think that it sunk in.
Because today, I saw, uh, Mayor Bloomberg, Mayor-elect Bloomberg, is still
running campaign commercials.
What do you mean?
Look at this.
Mark Green lost the election for New York mayor.
Do we really want a loser in charge of our city?
Mayor-elect Mike Bloomberg for mayor.
See what I'm saying?
That seems unnecessary.
I don't get it.
That's a point.
I don't get it yet.
I'm very excited.
I'm not discouraged.
I'm very excited.
That's good, yeah.
What we have for you here tonight, we, uh, last week we taped, we set up a tape
machine
in a facility here in the building, and we taped everything that we could find
that was
on television at 2 a.m.
Oh, yeah.
2 a.m.
Early, early morning.
Yeah.
So we taped it, and now we're going to show you a sampling of what we got that's
on American
television every night at 2 a.m.
Paul?
Television at 2 a.m.
Okay.
Take a look at this.
This man will be surprised to learn right there.
We found him on 2 a.m., 2 o'clock in the morning on television.
A, going to be surprised, A, how quickly his new hair grows in, B, how natural
his hairline
looks, C, his thinning hair wasn't the reason he struck out with chicks.
He's going to be surprised to learn that.
2 a.m.
This is actual footage of stuff that you can, ah!
Oh, I had a seizure.
I just had a seizure.
I'm sorry.
But I'm back.
I said before the show, I said, what can I do to save this bed?
And you said, have a seizure.
So I tried it.
Thank you.
I tried.
God bless you.
I tried.
I appreciate it.
I'm trying my best.
That would be a great story for Oprah, right?
Yeah, right, yeah.
It's the kind of stuff Oprah loves.
She loves it.
It eats it up.
Yeah.
Okay, now here's something else we found on television.
An interesting fact about this infomercial is, A, it was made for under $4,000,
B, it
did not use professional actors, C, it attracts more viewers than CBS's Wolf
Lake.
You're not still having chest pains, are you?
I feel a little something.
Oh, he's a trooper.
Get this man an aspirin.
Oh, is that a wolf?
That was Wolf Lake nobody saw for two weeks.
And every episode was, hey, I thought I heard a wolf.
Hey, Dottie, did you hear a wolf?
Oh, come to bed.
This scene reminds us that, A, the sci-fi channel has some great old movies, B,
old television
programs, fine, A, a home on cable, C, if there's one thing people really want
to see
at 2 a.m., it's guys who look like Alan Dershowitz.
What's unusual about seeing this Raquel Welch movie at 2 a.m. is, A, nothing.
What's unusual about doing this Raquel Welch movie at 2 a.m., ESPN viewers can
watch, A,
the end of the post-game wrap-up, B, the end of the post-game breakdown, and C,
the beginning
of the 11-hour pre-game show.
2 a.m., I guess.
Well, there is not, yeah.
This man is known as, A, a dependable character actor, B, a respected
television hero, C, the
Mexican Tom Selleck.
He's been on Oprah.
Tom Selleck's been on Oprah.
Yeah, a few times.
Been on it quite a few times.
Yeah, most of your top stars have been on several times.
Cher has been on a bunch of times.
Oh, forget about it, yeah.
Yeah, all the time.
In this scene, A, we're introduced to the main character, B, the castaway falls
on hard luck,
C, the dog is thinking, I have to get a new agent.
Look at that doggy.
Look at that doggy.
You're a good doggy.
Oh, also, stupid pet tricks on the show tonight.
Oh, you got stupid, oh, tonight, oh.
And finally...
At 2 a.m., Telemundo is offering its viewers, A, an old Western, B, an episode
of El Bandido,
see a documentary about the Taliban's elite Delta squad.
There you go.
2 a.m.
All I can say is, if we want to be on Oprah, we're going to have to do better
than this.
Yeah, that's right, though.
Stupid pet tricks, Vince Vaughn, and Faith Evans, everybody.
Come on back.