Name: Ed Subitzky ("The Impostor") Collection on Letterman, 1980-1984
Uploaded: 2020-01-20T00:56:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ed Subitzky ("The Impostor") Collection on Letterman, 1980-1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ed Subitzky ("The Impostor") Collection on Letterman, 1980-1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-20. Transcript available.

Ed Subitzky ("The Impostor") Collection on Letterman, 1980-1984

We're very, very pleased this morning to have one of the most incredible
entertainers of our time.
Ladies and gentlemen, a nice welcome now for the first lady of disco, Miss
Donna Summer.
How do you do, Donna? How do you do? How do you do, Donna?
Donna, let me just say that you've never been more beautiful.
Oh, thank you. I lied to you. I'm not really Donna Summer.
I just wanted to be on television. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Please don't
sue me or anything.
I'm sorry. I'm really very, very sorry. I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say, ladies and gentlemen. We've been the victims of some
sort of cruel hoax.
The man told me he was Donna Summer. I believed him. I brought him out here.
I gave him national time on television.
What can you do? Well, we've got to take a pause for a station identification
break.
We'll continue this television program.
Dr. Heinz Meng and his Falcons will be joining us.
Also, Mrs. Marv Mendenhall will be here.
And Loudon Wainwright III.
All of this right after you take a look at this, folks. Thank you.
Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Welcome back to the show.
Joining us in a couple minutes, Michael Franks and also the managing editor of
Fortune Magazine, William S. Rukeyser.
We'll be here to talk about finance and so forth.
We didn't really know that we could get this guy on. It was a possibility.
Once every generation or so, a special kind of child performer comes along and
steals America's heart.
As I said, we really weren't sure that he was going to be here this morning,
but we are certainly delighted that he is.
Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Different Strokes, here's Gary Coleman.
Gary, pleasure to have you on the show. Pleasure to have you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Gary, you know, it's amazing to me that an 11-year-old child...
What grade are you in exactly? Like the fifth grade?
Mr. Letterman, I lied to you. I'm not really Gary Coleman.
I just wanted to be on television.
I'm sorry. Please don't put me in jail.
I'm sorry. I'll never do it again. I promise.
I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm stunned.
An hour ago, a guy came up to me.
He said, I'm Gary Coleman. I'm in town.
I'd like to do the show.
I said, great, Gary. We'd love to have you.
And boy, is my face red.
Well, let me try and get a hold of myself.
Everything okay over there?
Good morning. Good morning. Good morning.
We're very excited today.
In addition to having just generally a great show, we have a surprise.
This next guest was in the building for an interview with, I believe, Tom Snyder.
And she was kind enough to drop in.
Undoubtedly, TV's reigning sex symbol and also a great comedic actress on the
Top Ten Series Three's Company.
Ladies and gentlemen, Suzanne Somers.
Suzanne, how do you do?
Nice to have you here.
Let me, before we begin, you smell incredible.
Mr. Letterman.
And I have to say that you are more provocative in person than an attractive
female.
Mr. Letterman, I lied to you.
I'm not really Suzanne Somers.
I just wanted to be on television.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Please, please don't put me in jail.
I'm sorry.
I'll never do it again.
I promise.
I'm sorry.
Really, I'm very sorry.
I'm sorry.
Not less than an hour ago, the man told me he was Suzanne Somers.
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm so embarrassed.
Welcome back to the show.
And if you're just joining us, the Avon lady was here earlier.
I'm so excited about my next guests.
They dropped in unexpectedly.
I don't think I'm exaggerating when I said they are two of the most popular,
talented, attractive, versatile performers
and biggest film stars in the entertainment industry today as well as one of
the most well-known couples anywhere.
And I'm very excited that they came here on short notice.
Please welcome Burt Reynolds and Sally Field, ladies and gentlemen.
Sally, pleasure to meet you.
All right.
Burt, how are you?
Nice to see you.
Thank you.
First of all, let me tell both of you, Sally and Burt.
Yes.
I have enjoyed your work for years.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Sally, congratulations on your Academy Award.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
There's a lot of speculation now about whether or not you two kids are on again,
off again.
Well, uh...
Any talk of, uh, you know, marriage?
Well, we have kind of been thinking about it, haven't we, honey?
Yes, but you know, Mr. Letterman, it's a really big step, and we want to be
sure that we're doing the right thing.
Sure, I can understand that.
You know what it's like, so...
Are you working on any, uh...
Mr. Letterman, Mr. Letterman, I can't go on with this.
I lied to you.
I'm not really Burt Reynolds and Sally Field.
I just wanted to be on television.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I'm sick.
I need help.
I don't want to lead a life of crime.
No, please don't put me in jail.
I'm sorry.
I'm scared.
I'm sorry.
I'll never do it again.
I'm sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen, all I can say is, I'm sorry.
Not more than an hour ago, the guy told me he was Burt Reynolds and Sally Field.
We're going to have to tighten security in the building.
That's all I can say.
Rest assured, it won't be happening again, and, uh, we're going to pause now
for station identification
and have that man arrested and taken downtown.
This show will continue after you folks at home take a look at this.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And welcome back to the extravaganza, ladies and gentlemen.
Uh, my next guest, Martin Cruz Smith, is something of a Renaissance man.
He has written about everything from gypsies to intrigue in the Vatican, and
his latest novel,
of which I have a copy here, Gorky Park, about a triple murder in the Soviet
Union, is a runaway
bestseller.
Thank you very much for joining us.
Thank you very much for joining us.
Thank you very much for joining us.
Thank you very much for joining us.
Thank you very much.
It's sort of, uh, the book corner tonight.
I appreciate you being here.
Uh, your description of life in Russia is so convincing.
Uh, it's actually hard to believe that you never lived there.
Uh, well, Mr. Letterman, I worked there briefly in the mid-seventies as a
journalist, but I, I did most of the legwork for the novel long distance from
my home in New Mexico.
It took a while to write, almost eight years.
Well, uh, in the book, uh, uh, police find three bodies that have been pretty
badly mutilated, and then they have to, to, to reconstruct their faces
scientifically.
Is that based on fact also?
Uh, yes, there was once a case like that, although it occurred in France and
not Russia.
The police, uh, had to reconstruct the victims' faces.
Something like anthropologists might reconstruct a, uh, a dinosaur from, from,
I'm sorry, Mr. Letterman, I can't go through with this.
I'm not Martin Cruz Smith.
I lied.
I just wanted to be on the show.
I didn't write this book.
I didn't even read this book, although it sounds very good.
I'm sorry, Mr. Letterman.
You're not the, uh, author.
I'm sorry.
I'm a sick man.
Who was that weasel?
We're, uh, going to pause here, hose down the audience, collect our thoughts.
We'll be right back with Ozzy Osbourne.
Uh, well, uh, fortunately, we now have plenty of time for Dr. Leo Biscaglia who'll
be joining us, but I'm very excited about, oh, this is good, despite what we've
just been goofing around with.
But this is exciting, my, uh, uh, my next guest, uh, one of the original
members of America's premier rock and roll band, not just one of the groups,
not just the group's drummer, of course, but one of the composers of a number
of their classic song hits from the Eagles.
I guess you know you've worked with Paul Schaefer before, Don.
Oh, yes.
Hi, Paul.
How are you?
Good to see you.
Yeah.
Um, how did the group, the Eagles, you've been together 15, 20 years now?
Oh, yes.
How did you get started?
Well, we all lived in Southern California, Mr. Letterman, and we were all
playing the small showcase clubs back then.
You know, a lot of us actually were starting out at about the same time.
There was Jackson Brown and Linda Ronstadt and J.D. Souther.
Yeah, it must have been very exciting.
Oh, yes, it was very exciting.
Yeah.
Um, you once, uh, I don't know if I should bring this up, but you once lived
with, uh, Ronald Reagan's daughter and actually wrote a song.
Oh, yes, that's true.
That's true.
Do you still get along with the Reagans?
Oh, yes, we still keep in touch, yes.
That's exciting.
Um, I'm gonna, if you don't mind, I'm gonna put you on the spot.
Things are a little hectic tonight because we didn't know if you were gonna be
here, and I know you didn't get to rehearse,
but, uh, I would love it if you could do a song with the boys, and, uh, I know
the audience would love it.
Well, Mr. Letterman, I'm sorry, Mr. Letterman, I got here kind of late.
We didn't have a chance to rehearse at all or anything like that.
I just don't think so, thank you.
Just one, just a short one.
Don Henley, ladies and gentlemen, Don Henley of the Eagles.
Mr. Letterman, Mr. Letterman, I'm sorry, I can't go through with this.
I'm non-Dot Henley.
I lied to you.
I'm sorry, Mr. Letterman, I just wanted to be on the show.
I'm sorry.
I'm a sick man.
I need help.
Please, I'm sorry.
Please don't put me in jail.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
I don't know what to say.
I'm stunned.
He told me, uh, he told me, uh, 20 minutes ago, uh, well, you, I thought you
said that you
knew Don Henley.
Well, I, everybody was in a kind of a nutty mood that night.
I know somebody from the Eagles was supposed to have been there.
Maybe it was a roadie or something.
I don't know.
Well, I, I can't tell you how embarrassed I am about this.
Uh, I can only apologize again.
Uh, we'll be right back.
Perhaps, uh, Leo Biscaglia can clear this up for us.
Thank you.
The distinguished author, James Clavel.
Thank you very much for being on the show.
You must, uh, be very busy.
You have a brand new book, Noble House, and, uh, um, I think that you'll have
to agree that
the television version of your book, Shogun, uh, really was more successful
than anybody
ever hoped it would.
Has that helped you with your writing or hurt you?
Uh, well, Dave, may I call you Dave?
Please do, James.
Oh, yes.
Well, I, I just, well, it's a funny thing.
Uh, what fame does to a person after the success of the book is it actually
gives the writer
the satisfaction of knowing that his work is reaching the widest possible
audience.
You know, it's funny because the TV version of Shogun actually gave me a ready-made
audience
for Noble House.
That's great.
Now, Shogun, of course, was, uh, uh, set in the Orient, and, and Noble House is,
is
also, uh, about the Orient.
And, uh, why would you choose the, the same, uh, geographic topic?
Uh, well, actually, David, if you think about it a little, you'll see that they
are two very
different books.
You see, Shogun concerns the Japan of the 16th century, but in, uh, Noble House,
I decided
to tell a story about contemporary Hong Kong.
You know, if there are any comparisons to be made, I hope that the reader doesn't
make
them between the two books, but between the, uh, between the two eras.
Mr. Letterman, I'm sorry, I can't go through with this.
I, I lied to you.
I'm not James Clavel.
I didn't write Noble House.
I didn't even read Noble House.
It was too long.
I'm sorry, I just wanted to be on a special.
I'm sorry.
I'm a sick man.
I need help.
I'm sorry.
I just can't be able to call myself.
Does anybody have a power?
I'm sorry.
I, uh, I don't know what to say.
I'm so embarrassed.
He told me he was James Clavel.
We're going to pause here, regroup.
We'll be back.
Letter number two, ladies and gentlemen.
Some idiot broke in, uh, through our kitchen window and opened up one of our
sliding doors
and proceeded to pick up, back up a truck and just absolutely clean us out.
This is a sad story.
They got all of the TVs, the microwave, the Betamax jewelry, all of my camera
equipment,
and silver.
Sounded like a real professional job as they probably weren't in the house more
than 15 minute