Name: Small Town News on Letterman, December 22, 1986
Uploaded: 2020-02-07T04:53:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Small Town News on Letterman, December 22, 1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-07. Transcript available. By request. Taped December 3. A segment when time slowed down.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Small Town News on Letterman, December 22, 1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-07. Transcript available. By request. Taped December 3. A segment when time slowed down.

Okay, how we doing on time?
22nd of December, Christmas is three days away.
Howard, Howard, that door better be locked.
Uh, small town news, Paul, everybody's favorite.
Do you have an opening theme for us?
Yeah, give me those bells, Howard.
It's a Christmas version.
Small town news.
Here's a Christmas kind of small town news.
It's a kooky little small town.
You're nuts.
You're nuts.
Thank you.
Here we go.
These are actual items culled from actual periodicals published in the free
world.
Here we go.
This comes to us from the Johnson City Press, Johnson City, Tennessee.
An advertisement, as you can see, six and a half foot fully decorated tree.
They won't last till Christmas.
Really stupid shoppers will want several of these.
Item number two, the moderator, Yankton, South Dakota.
This week's winner in sports trivia is Sister Roswitha Zavadil.
She answered the question, who is the all-time assist leader in men's
basketball at Mount Marty?
She correctly submitted the answer of Kevin Line.
Sister Roswitha wins a prize donated by Yankton Beverage.
Just in time for the big convent kegger, too.
I love the color commentary she does with Brent Musburger.
She's very, very good.
This is from the Lubbock Avalanche Journal, Lubbock, Texas.
Paul, do you suppose there actually has ever been an avalanche in Lubbock?
I wouldn't think so, no.
Yeah, but that's the name of the newspaper.
Don't you find that odd?
It is a little strange.
Well, then I'm guessing there at one time was an avalanche in Lubbock.
And again, the newspaper here is the Times, and there really is no time to do
anything in New York these days.
Anyway, this is the Lubbock Avalanche Journal, Lubbock, Texas, home of the avalanche,
by the way.
Jack Falk's auctioneers and liquidators' stuffed chimpanzees includes set of
infants' clothing, $10 each.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are very near the end of civilization.
Yeehaw!
You know, we could load these things up with ball bearings and really be
trouble for you folks.
I just want you to understand the capabilities of these weapons.
This is from the Baltic Beacon, Baltic, South Dakota.
Notice, whoever stole the radar detector out of the DeLorean on Sunday night by
the church,
please reconsider it, as it belongs to guest pastor Mark Gerstad.
When they make the TV movie, this guy will be played by George Pappard.
This comes to us.
How are we doing on time?
Four minutes!
Four minutes!
Hmm, please, someone, someone please help me.
Someone please help me.
Oh, please, someone help me.
Here we have an item from the Amesbury News in Amesbury, Massachusetts.
Local government news and other selectmen's meeting actions.
Selectmen declared November 18, Drug and Alcohol Abuse Day.
Here in New York City, of course, we like to think that every day is Drug and
Alcohol Abuse Day, don't we?
Oh, boy, how about that Iranian arms deal, huh, Paul?
Isn't that nutty?
Yeah.
Crazy kind of an arms deal.
Crazy goofballs in Washington.
You just don't know what kind of mix-up they're going to get into next, do you?
It's one wacky stunt after another one, isn't it?
Have you seen this, by the way?
Yeah, how are we doing on time?
Three minutes.
Three minutes.
That's not one of those 90-minute specials, is it?
No, it's a regular show.
Here we have the Daily Citizen, Linton, Indiana.
I've been to Linton, Indiana.
All of my family is from Linton, Indiana.
Did you know that, Paul?
That's all right.
Nice up there.
Down there.
Nice down there in...
What do you mean, nice up there?
Isn't Indiana up?
No, it's down.
Well, actually, it's due west.
Due west?
Yeah.
Nice out there in the west, Linton, Indiana.
Got to get out there soon, yeah.
Yeah, well, I think you can get your travel agent
to put together a Linton, Indiana package for you.
Here we go.
The Quartet to Sing, the Forum Quartet of Clinton,
will sing at the Lions First United Methodist Church
on November 16th.
There's a picture of the quartet right there.
They're singers, damn it, not mathematicians, all right?
Oh, stop it.
Come on.
Two minutes.
Twigs County, New Era, Twigs County, Georgia.
New police officer in Jeffersonville,
Officer Brian Asbell said,
now I want to join the Jeffersonville Fire Department.
I've got six years training from the U.S. Navy.
Then I'd like to be a mailman, an engineer,
a cowboy, an astronaut.
everything must go.
We've lost our lease.
I'm getting those searing abdominal cramps again, Paul.
Let's hope it's, uh, what is it again?
Well, hope it's nothing.
Hope it's not systemic.
Oh, that's right.
We hope it's not systemic.
God, this is just the longest night of my life,
and I'm guessing yours, too.
Uh, Alexandria Town Talk, Alexandria, Louisiana.
I am Victor Costa, and these are my clothes.
Okay, Victor, pack them neatly and get out of town.
And, finally, before we go to the weather,
uh, Daily Collegian Stillwater, Oklahoma.
This week's specials,
Leg of Lamb, Boneless Lamb Shoulder,
Lamb Chops, uh, OSU Meat Lab,
located just east of the university hospital.
Honey, honey, I think this lamb chop has a wedding ring on it.
Okay, I guess, uh...
Thank you very much, Howard.
I guess we'll pause here,
like this early part hasn't been a pause.
Uh, and we'll do a commercial,
and we'll begin the real show.
This doesn't count against your entertainment dollar here.
No, sir.
Well worth the price of the set, isn't it?
Uh, we'll be right back with Julia Child and Michael Palin.