Name: Those Funny, Funny Mapplethorpe Photos Collection on Letterman, 1990-91
Uploaded: 2020-02-09T11:27:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Those Funny, Funny Mapplethorpe Photos Collection on Letterman, 1990-91' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Those Funny, Funny Mapplethorpe Photos Collection on Letterman, 1990-91' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-09. Transcript available.

Those Funny, Funny Mapplethorpe Photos Collection on Letterman, 1990-91

You know, Paul, there's the Judds, there's the mother, and then the daughter.
That's right.
Now, did you know this? There's a third Judd?
I know the third Judd, personally.
That's right. She's not as talented, not as good-looking.
Well, I...
No, no, there's a big article about this in one of the magazines,
and they keep her tied in the crawlspace of their house.
Well, let me say that I have met the third Judd.
Oh, have you really?
Ashley Judd.
All right.
She's gorgeous.
Lovely.
Gorgeous. She's in school, last I heard.
Right, talented.
And she has certain talents, I understand.
Yeah, but they don't want her as part of the Judds.
Well, I don't know whether her talents are musical or not,
but she's a very, very lovely young gal.
Yeah, okay. Well, I hope they get that ironed out.
I just...
They keep her tied to what?
Keep her tied in the crawlspace of the house, is what I heard.
Wow.
That sounds kind of kinky.
And occasionally, like once a week, to go out and roll a ham under the house,
and...
Sounds very kinky to me.
Oh, they're lovely.
It's a lovely family, and a talented family, and God bless them.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, and they won big awards last night on the big Country Western We Travel
By Bus award show.
They sure do.
Yeah, they do.
They're out there working hard, though.
That's the backbone.
That's the core of American entertainment.
That is right.
Night in, night out.
On a bus, traveling, going for one little honky-tonk.
By the way, that's the first time in my adult life on television I've ever said
honky-tonk.
I know.
I was kind of surprised to hear that.
Yeah, me too.
I was surprised that it sort of fell out of my mouth there.
Coming up on the program tonight, the Black Crows.
These guys are good.
Man, these guys are good.
Talk about traveling by a bus.
And also T. Corregison-Boyle, author of a book, East is East.
Very entertaining.
Tomorrow on the program, Gary Shandling will be here, Dick Clark will be here,
and Michael
Moshen, who will motion, I'm sorry, Michael Moshen, who is a genius juggler, it
says.
You know, Friday night, we had the genius three-year-old.
Yeah.
And tomorrow, it's the genius juggler.
That tells me that Morty is down to the G's in his Rolodex.
It's time, ladies and gentlemen, for one of my favorite comedy segments, those
funny,
funny Mapplethorpe photos.
Paul, music for this?
Yeah, those funny, funny, funny, funny Mapplethorpe photos, yeah.
Okay, very nice, Paul.
Here we go.
Funny Mapplethorpe photo number one.
Hey, wait a minute, that's McNeil and Lair.
Here we go.
Oh, funny Mapplethorpe photo number two.
Oh, please let this be an eggplant.
Funny Mapplethorpe photo number three.
I'm sorry, Mr. Gere, no shirt, no shoes, no slurpee.
Okay.
Dave, Dave, Dave, excuse me.
Oh, look, it's one of our stage managers, Biff Henderson.
Hi, Biff.
I'm fine, I'm good.
I'm right in the middle of funny, funny Mapplethorpe photos.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, what's up?
What's the combination of your locker again?
Oh, my locker?
Yeah.
All right, here, let me write this down.
Okay.
Okay, now this one, you go around twice and stop on that, and then go to the
left there,
and then back to the right on that one.
It should open right up.
Okay, I won't give it to anyone.
Okay, good luck.
Thank you.
Oh, boy.
The young man's been acting terribly strange lately.
What the hell is...
I hope it's not some kind of an emergency.
Oh!
Oh, Biff.
Thank goodness.
I nearly suffocated in there.
Tony, what are you doing in Dave's locker?
I was waiting for Dave.
Listen, I know this is a little unorthodox, but maybe you could help me get on
the show,
Biff.
I've done you enough favors.
Nice job, Biff.
Nice.
Nice going.
I don't try him.
I don't try him.
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, he's going back in the locker.
All right.
I'll leave him in there then.
All right.
Do we have any more time here for the funny...
No, I guess we don't.
All right.
We'll do a commercial.
We'll be right back.
Thank you.
Paul Schaefer and the Late Night Orchestra.
Nice going, boys.
You guys have been together since the 30s, is that correct?
We have, actually.
We've been together longer than any network, band, or orchestra anywhere in the
world.
I think you can say that, yes.
Yeah, congratulations.
Some personnel changes.
Coming up in this half hour, of course, we have Randy Travis and Tammy Wynette
will be here.
It's actually Tammy Wynette.
Tammy Wynette is the woman's name.
And Art Donovan will be on the program.
Art, always entertaining.
He's always a guest to have her.
Tomorrow on the program, Dave Stewart.
Dave Stewart.
Dave Stewart, huh?
Yeah.
He's got a brand new album, a brand new group.
It's called, what are the...
The Brown Dirt Cowboys.
No, somebody cowboys.
The moody cowboys.
The frightened cowboys.
The what?
The dirty cowboys.
What is it?
The friendly cowboys.
It's the...
Spiritual Cowboys.
Spiritual Cowboys.
Okay.
Names of bands for 12, Alex.
Also, author Letitia Baldridge tomorrow on the program.
She's just a total nutcase.
And the manager of the world champions, Cincinnati Reds, Lou Piniella.
That's the number one.
Are they booing him or what?
No, no, no.
They're chanting, Lou, Lou.
Earlier, they were booing me.
Yes.
Ladies and gentlemen, now it's time for one of our favorite little things to do
on the program.
Yes.
It's time for those funny, funny Mapplethorpe photos.
Paul, do you have music for those?
Those, those funny, funny, cuckoo, funny Mapplethorpe photos.
Yeah.
Here's funny, funny Mapplethorpe photo number one.
There it is.
This photo, ladies and gentlemen, has actually been selected for this year's
Kennedy Christmas card.
Funny, funny Mapplethorpe photo number two.
I'm taking my dry cleaners to the people's court.
Funny, funny Mapplethorpe photo number three.
One's AM, one's FM.
It's those funny, funny Don King wigs.
Get your Don King wigs here.
Hey, we got Don King wigs.
Ah, wow, that Slim Fast diet is really working for John Madden.
Funny, funny Mapplethorpe photos.
Here we go.
Is, is there another shoe store in the area?
I believe I take my business elsewhere.
Uh, and here, ladies and gentlemen, we see Grace Jones demonstrating how she's
able to receive free HBO.
I don't, I don't like that joke.
You don't like that joke?
I don't like this particular joke.
Ah, that particular.
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
I'm going to take care of this.
I'm going to make sure nothing happens.
Hello.
It was a lovely evening, wasn't it?
Oh!
Oh, my God.
I'm out there in the hall.
A guy comes up to me and says,
Is Tammy Wynette on the program?
See that?
We have to do a commercial.
We'll be right back, kids.
Hey, let's...
Oh, man, this is a pretty good program.
On the show tonight, we have a very witty young man.
David Steinberg is on the program also.
The amount of soup spilled is not important.
Also on the show tonight, we have international film star Gerard Depardieu.
How many of you right now are having this thought through your minds?
We may be in the wrong studio.
And rounding out the big program tonight, Shirley Vanderslice.
Wow.
Yeah, there you go.
Here, say hello to our friend, Paul Schaefer.
He's right there.
Thank you very much.
James, I want to...
Thank you for that smattering of applause.
I want to ask a question that all of America is probably asking right now.
Yeah, yeah.
Who is Shirley Vanderslice?
Let me explain this to you.
Shirley Vanderslice is a lovely woman who teaches floral design.
She does.
And she's a guest on our show tonight.
That's right.
And will she teach you some floral design?
Yes.
Will there then be a point where she...
You're unusually peppy tonight.
Well, I gotta be...
Unusually interested, unusually attentive.
Well, I gotta do something.
I gotta pay attention to the show once in a while.
Yeah, well, tonight is an excellent night because we have David Steinberg.
He is very, very funny.
I don't want to run through this again.
It's going to be a great show.
French, international French actor.
Yeah.
Gerard Depardieu.
And, uh, what else did I want to mention?
We got the big marathon that's coming up this weekend here in New York City.
Sunday.
This Sunday.
The big marathon.
That's 26 miles.
Many members of our staff entered and competing in the event.
Several members.
Let's count them off.
Sid McGinnis in the marathon.
How many years have you been in the marathon?
Fourth one.
This will be your fourth one.
Fourth in a row, yeah.
And you, you run like a demon, don't you?
I do.
In fact, it says that on your shirt.
I run like a demon.
I can be a demon.
And what's your best time?
Uh, 3.14 last year.
3.14.
Good luck.
Good luck.
It's going to be a little warm this year, isn't it?
Yeah.
It's going to be a little warm.
One of our writers, Rob Burnett.
Running in his first marathon, I believe.
I believe it's his first marathon.
Also, the lovely Mary Connelly.
Mary is running.
Anybody else running in the marathon?
Bailey?
Huh?
Are you?
All right.
Well, that's good.
Be nice to see you out there.
You know, I don't want to embarrass people, but I witnessed one of the most
amazing things
in my life last year.
You know, you get to be a certain age in life and you think, I'm never going to
see anything
else really amazing.
Yeah.
I witnessed in my very own office something truly amazing.
What happened?
Well, I'm sitting up there and I'm in one of my chairs and I'm in the middle of
the office
and over in the corner, about 20 feet away, is a waste basket.
A big plastic, two and a half foot high waste basket.
Fair enough.
Yeah.
And in comes Mary Connelly and we were chatting about the big program, which is
all we can
ever talk about around here.
We're very, very busy here.
Trying to get a hold of Miss Vanderslice.
Do we have her?
So, yeah, she's here.
Okay, we got her.
So, Mary comes in and now here, here, I'm sitting like here.
Oh, I'll get up and do a little visual demonstration.
This will be deadly dull.
I'm like here.
Yeah.
Mary is seated right here.
Okay.
Now, keep in mind that we're 20 feet away from this plastic waste basket.
Waste basket.
Now, we have a container of NFL footballs.
All right.
Right over here.
Regulation footballs?
Right there in my office.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Good.
Some people have candy, nuts, gum, that kind of thing.
No, I have a big container.
Come by, help yourself to a regulation NFL football.
How many?
How many in there?
So, we start throwing these things.
We're just kind of tossing them.
I toss.
It took me like 17 times before I could hit one into the waste basket from 20
feet away.
Mary Connelly hit the first one and then continued to hit some others in
succession.
Now, what would be a very impressive number of consecutive buckets she hit with
the football?
20 feet away.
Will says two.
Sure, two.
Yes, I would have been stunned by two.
Two or three.
You say two.
What do you say?
If you could do two or three in a row.
Three.
Anybody else?
Fifteen.
Fifteen.
No, sir.
See, now you've ruined the story.
Well, how many did she get?
This woman sat there without blinking an eye, canned eight in a row.
Oh, I'll say eight in a row.
Eight in a row.
That's wonderful.
Bang.
Bang.
I was stunned.
And then, and then to prove my point, we got another little guy, some weenie
running around
up there.
And I said, come on in, son.
Let's see how you can do against Ms. Connelly.
And he, you know, he couldn't do anything.
Well, that was me.
Are you bothered by this thing in the Persian Gulf?
Oh, of course I am.
You know what makes me crazy about it?
I know for one of the few times, they're not now going to artificially raise
the price of
oil.
They have no choice.
There's going to be an oil shortage, and the price of oil is going to go up.
And so, you know, people are going to work around the clock.
They're going to work very hard trying to find ways to bring down the price of
oil.
And I just, it makes me crazy.
I'm already paying nearly two, oh, look, see?
There's the Exxon building.
They're working, right.
This proves my point.
Across the street in the Exxon building, they're working right now trying to
find a w