Name: New Catch Phrases Collection on Letterman, 1984-91
Uploaded: 2020-02-17T05:22:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'New Catch Phrases Collection on Letterman, 1984-91' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'New Catch Phrases Collection on Letterman, 1984-91' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-17. Transcript available.

New Catch Phrases Collection on Letterman, 1984-91

What else?
Anything else we've got to cover here?
We've got to do a nutty, marvelous show.
We've got a fine show for you tonight.
And by the way, let me know when those two folks return from the restroom.
Was it two women, a man and a woman, two men?
Two men.
Now, what the hell could that mean?
All right, you know, I believe the sole purpose of American television
is to bring you many, many commercials.
And from these commercials, we get wonderful catchphrases
that become part of the English language.
You use them at work, you use them at home, you use them anywhere you go,
and you just make each other sick with them.
For example, of course, most recently,
where's the beef was certainly a commercial catchphrase.
And I flicked the bick and all that sort of nonsense.
Well, tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
rather than have a commercial catchphrase forced on you
by some advertising agency,
you are going to have the ability and the chance and the opportunity
to select...
Pardon me.
To select...
The shrimp salad was not refrigerated.
You are going to have the opportunity
to select the next catchphrase that will be sweeping this country.
Now, not only will it sweep the country,
we're going to see to that because we're going to beat it to death
night after night right here on this program.
But the good part about this,
you don't have to buy any of those annoying products
in order to enjoy the catchphrase.
So tonight, with our audience voting,
you're going to select a brand new commercial catchphrase.
Letty?
Letty.
I don't know what's happened.
Ready?
Let's begin now.
Our search for a brand new catchphrase.
Candidate number one, please.
Oh, when will my head stop throbbing?
Can't anyone stop this throbbing?
Okay.
That was...
All right, that's catchphrase number one.
When will my head stop throbbing?
Can't anyone stop this throbbing?
Now, here's our second catchphrase of the evening.
This time, it's a woman.
See how you like it.
Catchphrase number two.
A dozen pizzas?
Oh, it's those damn kids.
Thank you very much.
All right, catchphrase number two is
A dozen pizzas?
Oh, it's those damn kids.
Now, catchphrase number three for your consideration.
I believe we have a trio this time.
So, boys, how was school today?
They pelted us with rocks and garbage.
All right, that's catchphrase number three.
They pelted us with rocks and garbage.
Now, we certainly have a variety to choose from tonight.
Perhaps this is the one that you'd like to vote on for the next popular catchphrase.
Boy, could I use a nap?
Thank you very much.
Nicely done, sir.
That was, that was, boy, could I use a nap.
All right, now, it's hard to decide.
To decide.
I'm leaving out parts of words tonight.
It's hard to decide, but we'll find a new national favorite.
This would be catchphrase number five.
Number five.
I can't get this jar open.
That's, uh, thank you very much.
I can't get this jar open.
All right.
That's number five.
Okay.
Uh, now remember, this is the catchphrase you're going to be hearing over and
over and over and over again.
Here we are, candidate number six, ladies and gentlemen.
Ooh, it's so hot.
It's so hot.
It's so hot.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
All right.
That's, uh, there you have the candidates now.
If everybody will come on out here, we'll have the vote, and in just a few
moments, we'll know what the next new catchphrase sweeping this country will be.
Folks, if you'll come on out, please.
Oh, I think I just stay here, don't I?
I guess I think I just stay here, don't I?
I'm going to the restroom momentarily.
All right.
Uh, vote now by your applause.
We'll be, uh, measuring it on this terribly sensitive piece of equipment for
catchphrase number one.
Oh, when will my head stop throbbing?
Vote now.
All right.
Okay.
Nicely done.
Catchphrase number two.
A dozen pizzas?
Oh, those damn kids.
All right.
And now catchphrase number three.
They pelted us with rocks and garbage.
By the way, that's our own Robert Morton playing the part of the proud father.
Nicely done, Robert.
Very nicely.
Little thespian group we have upstairs.
Catchphrase number four.
Boy, could I use a nap.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Nicely done.
Thank you very much, sir.
And now this brings us to catchphrase number five.
I can't get this jar open.
I see you're going to be hearing this over and over and over again.
So, all right.
And finally, this takes us to six.
Our final contestant for our search for a brand new catchphrase.
Oh, it's so hot.
It's so hot.
It's so hot.
All right.
Do we have a winner?
Now I come out.
Don't I?
All right.
Tell me who the winner is.
Number six?
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
We don't want to fist fight here, ladies.
I'm sorry?
The twins.
Okay.
It is these folks here.
Very nicely done, sir.
Thank you very much.
Ma'am?
Nicely done.
Sorry, you didn't win.
Nicely done, sir.
Thank you very much.
Nicely done.
It's those damn kids, isn't it?
Thank you very much, sir.
Okay.
Now we have our new catchphrase.
So, I think the best way to kick it off is we'll all do it together.
Shall we?
Everybody, here we go.
They held us with locks and garbage.
Very nicely done.
Thank you very much, folks.
Okay, we'll have a ride back with Stupid Pet Tricks, folks.
Well, what are we doing tonight?
We've got a good show tonight, don't we?
What are we doing?
Tell me.
Well, we've got a couple of guests.
A couple of guests?
We've got some guests?
Right.
Right.
A couple of little segments that we're going to do, Dave.
Yeah?
You'll love them.
Paul, did you have a nice evening last night?
Oh, I had a lovely evening, yes, I did.
Did you do?
Yeah.
What did you do?
Just applause for my evening.
Well, I had dinner with some old and dear friends.
Yeah, we had a nice time.
Yeah, that's good.
And, Bill, did you have a nice evening last night?
I did.
What did you do last night?
My lady and I finally got to see Romancing the Stone.
Now, what does your wife have to say about that?
Your lady and I.
Now, it sounds like you're going out with a cheerleader when you say that.
No, no.
This is your wife.
This is my wife.
Well, all right, we'll say your wife.
My lovely wife.
And you went out to see Romancing the Stone.
And did you like the movie?
Fantastic.
Okay, now let's check in with the Turner twins.
Boys, did you have a nice evening last night?
No!
Well, I know you were supposed to attend some sort of Little League function.
How did it go?
They pelted us with rocks and garbage.
Oh, I'm glad to hear that.
I know, it makes no sense to me either, but...
Well, that's the new catchphrase.
That's sweeping the nation, and believe me, this nation needs sweeping.
Now, let's get right to it, shall we?
On the program tonight, we have Richard Lewis, Sheena Easton, Marv Albert, a
quiz on summer
safety, and all kinds of other wonderful stuff, right?
Right.
That's right.
Now, what do I do?
I move back?
How many?
I'll just put photos and music right there.
Do some what, Hal?
We're going to do the, what's that call?
Oh, God.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the show.
My name is David Letterman, and we're just about done here for the summer, aren't
we?
What is today's date, Paul?
Isn't it depressing?
What is the date today?
The date today is where...
28th.
28th of September.
Oh, August.
I'm sorry.
August the 28th.
And that means, of course, that the most popular tourist season for New York is
rapidly drawing
to a close.
Now, I don't know if you're from other parts of the country if you're aware
that this city
may have an image problem, and frankly, for my money, I think they perpetuated
the city
themselves.
I'll give you an example.
The New York City welcome wagon this morning announced their new slogan for the
fall.
Moving to our city?
So what?
I know.
It could be the heat.
It's awfully hot in here today, isn't it?
Is it cooling off up there?
No!
Yeah, fine.
Everything's okay.
Did you have a good summer, Paul?
I had a terrific summer.
I had a very good summer myself.
Bill, how about you?
Did you have a nice summer?
Thanks, sir.
And did you folks in the studio audience, everybody here, have a nice summer?
Yeah!
That's good.
That's good.
I, uh...
No!
I'm sorry, no?
Oh, it's, uh, it's the, uh, it's the twins.
Now, it's the Turner twins.
Now, I thought you guys were going to spend the summer at an expensive, an
expensive camp
up in the Adirondacks.
Uh, what, what, what happened up there?
They pelted us with Ross and Barbie.
Uh, and as always, that's our own Bob Morton playing the father, the concerned
father in
the back there.
Now, if you don't know what that means, don't worry about it.
It's not necessary.
That, uh, a long time ago, six weeks ago, we were trying to start a new phrase,
uh, a
catchphrase.
It would sweep the, uh, the nation.
I don't know.
How are we doing?
I think it's sweeping the nation.
Do you?
It's a sensation.
Yeah, I'm not sure that it is, but...
Uh, we got a good show for you tonight.
This really is going to be a good show.
If it ever cools off in here...
It's going to cool.
What is the temperature now?
I need to know the temperature.
A hundred.
That's a hundred.
At least a hundred degrees in here.
In here, yeah.
Now, these people don't have to sit here in this heat, do they?
Bring in the hose.
Uh, well, we'll look into this.
Don't worry.
And if there's problems, you'll all get your money back.
Believe me.
Thank you, Paul.
Very nice.
Thank you, sir.
Welcome back to the show.
My next guest tonight is a professor of physics at New York University.
And we're always...
Excuse me, just a minute.
Excuse me.
It's the Turner twins and their proud father.
Excuse me.
What are you, uh...
What are you boys doing here?
You really ought to be in the green room.
We're about to do something on the show here.
We couldn't stay, Dave.
Well, why not?
What was wrong?
They pelted us with rocks and garbage.
Well, you can't stay here.
You can't...
You're going to have to go on back there.
It's the Turner twins and their father, Robert Morton.
Eh, that ain't working.
We got to get a new slogan.
See, we were trying to get a catchphrase that would sweep this country, and we
thought it would be, they pelted us with rocks and garbage, and...
Well, you saw it for yourself.
Okay.
And they never go anywhere without their father.
They're nearly 20, and they always have dad hanging around.
You know, the show has gotten off to such a stupendous start that I don't even
want to get in the way of it.
We have a great show.
Let me ask you this.
Yeah.
Who is Richard Clayderman?
I've heard of Richard Clayderman.
Yeah.
Is he a rock promoter?
Does he do all...
I don't know.
Does he do do-op shows?
I see these advertisements for Richard Clayderman on cable TV, and usually out
of Atlanta, and they claim that he is the world's best-loved pianist.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
He's a sort of an M.O.R. kind of a pianist.
But no, no, no, no.
The world's best-loved pianist.
That's what I was going to say.
He is the...
Take it again.
Let me ask...
Would you rephrase the question, please?
Who is Richard Clayderman?
Richard Clayderman is one of the world's best...
He's the world's best-loved...
He is the world's best-loved pianist.
That's right.
Now, has anybody here...
Does anybody here...
Has anybody here ever been to a Richard Clayderman concert?
No.
No.
Really?
Well, we've got to do this.
We've got to find out who Richard Clayderman is.
Oh, one other thing we have to do.
Do I smell incense?
Is that...
Where is it coming from?
Is someone here with a sitar tonight?
Do we...
All right.
Okay.
Get them out at home, folks.
Get out your Phil as the caller there.
Donahue.
Countdown calendars.
Phil is coming to New York soon.
What are we up to?
The 18th?
Okay.
Phil will be in this very building December 3rd.
So...
We should find out the origin of that.
Do we...
Are we in trouble?
Is that some kind of danger signal?
We'll be all right, won't we?
But there definitely is incense going on here, isn't there?
Okay.
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm very excited.
Two months ago, we thought that we would select a brand 