Name: The 4th Anniversary/Airplane Special on Letterman, February 1, 1986
Uploaded: 2020-02-24T06:29:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The 4th Anniversary/Airplane Special on Letterman, February 1, 1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The 4th Anniversary/Airplane Special on Letterman, February 1, 1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-24. Transcript available.

The 4th Anniversary/Airplane Special on Letterman, February 1, 1986

And from today's show news to late night news, to no one's surprise, NBC Today
announced it has renewed Late Night with David Letterman for a fifth year.
Letterman and company will celebrate with an anniversary special on February 1st
in the Saturday Night Live time slot.
That ought to make him feel perky.
That's right.
Saturday Night will be live next week with host Ron Reagan.
Now extinguish all smoking materials and prepare for takeoff. It's David Letterman's
fourth anniversary special.
Okay, let me just close this up, tighten it up with that tape.
That ought to hold it. What the hell, we're only going to Florida.
Hi, I'm David Letterman, and welcome to the late night fourth anniversary
special.
Maybe you can tell I'm standing on the tarmac at Kennedy Airport beneath the
nose of this beautiful 747,
or as we're calling it for tonight's trip, the anniversary special.
By the way, that's Connie Chung up there.
John Chancellor didn't want to do it.
It's a joke.
We're going to Florida, the entire staff and crew of the show.
Miami.
People say to me, Dave, why are you going to Miami?
Well, there's three pretty important reasons.
First of all, Miami is the fun and sun capital of the world.
Second of all, a lot of friendly people in Miami.
And thirdly, and I think perhaps the most important reason, we got some kind of
a deal on a hotel there.
But don't worry about Florida because you're not going to see any of it.
Tonight's show comes to you entirely from this gigantic 747 aircraft.
And you have my guarantee, ladies and gentlemen, that this program will be as
much fun,
be just as exciting, and just as entertaining as any really long airplane trip.
Okay, here we go.
We're just minutes away from takeoff.
Do me a favor, get that under the seat.
Can you, will you just, come on, get under, come on, don't make trouble.
We're about to take off.
All right, here we go.
From midair, somewhere over the eastern seaboard, it's the Late Night with
David Letterman fourth anniversary special.
Tonight, we're on a 747 with airborne stupid pet tricks, an in-flight snack,
and plenty of highlights from past shows,
including appearances by Tom Selleck, Eddie Murphy, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bo
Derek, Billy Idol, and Johnny Carson.
And now, a man who's anxious to see what this baby can do, David Letterman.
Okay, I tell you, here we are, and before we start the show, I want to show you
around the plane a little bit.
See, it goes all the way back down that way, and of course, in a minute, we're
going to go all the way up there.
But you know what's great?
When you fly out of Kennedy Airport here in New York, right after takeoff, if
you're lucky, you can get right to the window,
and if it's a clear day, you can see the parking lot and, you know, maybe watch
your own car being stripped.
It's a lot of fun, and it's no extra charge.
Here's the flight crew.
They'll be taking care of us.
They're pretty busy right now.
Everything all right?
Hi, Dave.
Okay, good.
Nice to have you here.
Yeah.
All right, now, this is the audience, and to tell you the truth, people in the
audience are a little, they're scared,
and some are even nauseous, you know.
It's pretty much like they are when they're in the studio.
How you doing, Grant?
Fine, Tom.
Good.
Keep moving those headphones.
Oh, this is, uh, let me show you something here.
You see this?
This is the megaphone.
Now, I'll show you what you can do with the megaphone.
Yeah.
Back up there.
Testing, testing.
Let me turn this down.
Attention, coach passengers.
The following are your luncheon selections.
Choose one.
Bullion.
Saltines.
Gum.
Keep your hands off the livestock.
There you are.
Compliments to TWA.
I hope you enjoy that.
Oh, what fun.
Okay.
How do you do?
Nice to see you.
Can I get you some more beer nuts?
Get a cab.
That's a joke.
All right, here we are.
This is, uh, first class, and this is where we're going to do most of the show.
I want to show you something else.
Talk about a confidence builder.
If you're a nervous flyer, take a look at this.
Flight plan?
No idea where we're going.
Okay, we're in for some big fun now.
Uh, this is it.
This is the spacious first class cabin on the 747 here from the friendly folks
at TWA, which,
by the way, we only have to mention two or three times a minute to pay for the
thing.
Paul, ladies and gentlemen, Paul Schaefer in the band.
Say hello to our good friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer.
Let me tell you a little bit about this airplane.
Paul, do you know what kind of plane this is?
Is this an L-10?
No, this is a 747, and, uh, you know who our captain is today, Paul?
Who would that be?
It's, we're in pretty good hands today.
It's Captain Billy.
Captain Billy.
And, uh, what luck, our co-pilot today is his little friend, Scooter.
We'll give you the entire name of the crew a little bit later.
Paul, you know what kind of engines we have on this plane?
What kind of engines, Dave, do we have?
We have, of course, uh, Pratt & Whitney.
Pratt & Whitney.
JT-90-7.
Can I get a pillow?
Is there anybody?
Excuse me, do you have a pillow that you're not using?
No.
Can I borrow that blanket?
I've got a back thing.
Thank you very much.
Trouble on planes.
There you are.
Oh, thanks.
Okay.
Thanks a lot.
It gets cold sometimes.
Yeah, it gets a little chilly when you're flying.
After you take off.
Uh, well, let's get right to it.
Shall we get right to it?
Uh, you know, uh, people ask me what is the most important part of any
television show?
Well, I think, of course, it's the free clothing, a hot buffet, and a trailer
to relax in.
But, you know, really what's most important is you, the home viewer.
And that's why we set aside one night each week to answer our voluminous viewer
mail.
And one night a year, we take a look back at some of our favorite letters.
So now, ladies and gentlemen, at 20,000 feet and climbing, letter number one.
Let me try something.
20,000 feet.
You want to try this?
Letter number one.
Dear sir, I have never been to New York, but will be vacationing there in the
spring.
While I am there, I would feel honored if I could get a chance to get a glimpse
of one
of my contemporary heroes, David Letterman.
Sincerely, Michael Nierman, Marquette University.
Michael, that certainly is a very flattering letter.
And, uh, I guess you can get the chance.
And for only $2 a shot, there's no better bargain in town for my money.
In fact, I think we have some NBC promotional tour footage.
Take a look at this, Michael, and see what you're in for when you come in.
Keep your eyes at the far end of the hallway.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Everyone look down to the far end of the hallway, right down there.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Everyone look down.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Next show is at 450.
Thank you.
Okay.
You know what the cruising speed is, Paul?
The cruising speed of this plane?
Take a guess.
The cruising speed.
Uh, knots?
In knots or?
No, no, miles.
Miles per hour?
Yeah.
Oh, it's got to be a good 100 miles an hour.
It has to be, and it's 540.
I wasn't totally out of the ballpark.
Captain Billy.
Captain Billy's plane.
Billy?
Yeah.
Uh, letter number two.
Dear Dave, I've noticed on the best of Carson, that's, of course, the program
that comes
on just before us, you can tell how old the program is by the width of Johnny's
lapels.
By the width of what on your show will I be able to tell how old your reruns
are?
Well, this is a good question.
This comes from Ed Baker, Kings Beach, California.
You know, Ed, if you look very carefully, you can tell just how old these
programs are by
the width of my pant cuffs.
And here's an example.
Hal, let's roll that videotape, can we?
Okay, so then Spiro Agnew turns to Martha Mitchell and he says,
Oh, why don't you take a nap?
Say hello to Paul Schaefer.
Thanks.
Hi, Paul.
I hear applause in the back of the plane, so apparently they have started the
film.
Dear Dave, just how good is Hal Gurney, our director?
Does he do anything else besides make chili and count viewer mail?
A little, just a little turbulence there.
A little buffeting there.
I'm freaky.
No, no, we're not worried, are we?
No.
You know why we're not worried?
Why?
Captain Billy.
And the co-pilot, Scooter.
Thank you.
Anyway, getting back to this letter concerning our own director, the lovable
Hal Gertner,
it says,
How good is he and what does he do besides count viewer mail and make chili?
Just wondering, Charlie Perkins, Northern Virginia.
You know, I think Hal is pretty darn good, but as to these other questions,
we're going to have to ask Hal himself.
Hal, what is it that you do besides make chili and count off the viewer mail?
I'm responsible for bringing the cleansing rains to deserts,
the well-being of all birds and fish.
I'm also in charge of long-term parking at LaGuardia.
Yeah, I see.
Well, Hal, I think probably some of our viewers notice that you're a little
young.
How old exactly are you?
Well, in my time, I'm three years old.
But in your earth years, I guess I was born around the time of Socrates.
Paul, maybe you could come up with a little song for Captain Billy before we
land.
We will, I guarantee that we'll have a song,
a special Captain Billy song by the end of the show.
From the desk of Scott T. Horn.
Oh, this guy means business.
Dear Dave, what happens to all the viewer mail?
Is it all neatly filed away, preserved for future generations?
I'm sure some of the letters are literary masterpieces,
ponderingly Scott T. Horn.
Scott, a viewer mail letter isn't really put into work until after it has been
used on this program.
And I think this clip from a film produced by Late Night in cooperation with
the Wirehauser Industries
and the Mobile Corporation entitled Beyond Viewer Mail
will help explain just exactly what I mean.
Our viewers' letters are an invaluable resource.
Once aired, they're separated according to chemical makeup and pulped.
This raw material is then used in many ways.
Some of it is used to make press board needed to build American homes
or to produce insulation needed to keep those homes warm in winter and cool in
summer.
Other uses include landfill, the production of synthetic fuels,
and the manufacture of powerful adhesives that are being used right now
to ensure that Lady Liberty continues to hold her torch of freedom high in the
coming years.
Because of cheap or inferior pulp construction,
some letters are of no use to us for any of these applications
and are simply destroyed.
But those viewers who write in and succeed
can take pride in knowing that their contributions
are working hard every day to make America strong.
Okay, this brings us to our last letter.
Right.
It's been a good four years, hasn't it, Paul?
It's been a lovely four years,
and I'm thrilled to be starting on yet another four.
Okay.
Let's hope.
Why is it that the applause Paul gets
after you introduce him is so much louder and more sincere
than the applause you get when you open the show?
Tony Cochiera, Selden, New York.
You know, this is kind of an interesting thing,
but since Paul is usually behind me when we begin the program,
I'm really not sure what it is he is doing,
and I didn't know anything about it
until I looked at this recent videotape
of our fine program.
This guy who lived in a hollow tree
just on the outskirts of Cincinnati, Ohio,
never worked a day in his life, see.
Well, not too long ago, the guy dies,
and the police are looking into his tree,
and they find this will.
The guy leaves $10 million to the local mission,
$5 million to the chapter of the SPCA,
and $20 million to the United Fund.
Now, here's a little footnote to the whole story.
Turns out, the guy was penniless.
Now, say hello to our good friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer.
Okay, folks, that's how it works.
This is our fourth anniversary show.
We'll be right back.
Yes, we have Stupid Petricks live right here in the airplane.
Paul, a little...
Do we have it yet?
We will have it.
We're working on it.
We're working on Captain Billy.
We'll have it by t