Name: The Letterman Remote to G.E. Headquarters Collection, 1985-93
Uploaded: 2020-03-04T05:43:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Letterman Remote to G.E. Headquarters Collection, 1985-93' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Letterman Remote to G.E. Headquarters Collection, 1985-93' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-04. Transcript available.

The Letterman Remote to G.E. Headquarters Collection, 1985-93

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks, folks. Welcome to
the show.
My name is David Letterman. We come to you on the NBC Television Network, a
subsidiary
of RCA, where we bring good things to living. We bring good things to life.
Thank you so
much. RCA yesterday was taken over, merged, they're calling it a merger. It was
one of
those gun-to-the-head mergers, ladies and gentlemen, by the friendly folks at
GE, whose
slogan, of course, is, we bring good things to life. Coincidentally, the slogan
was also
we bring good things to life for the Frankenstein labs years ago, and they...
And this morning,
they announced their first joint project. RCA and GE are combining their
efforts now to
introduce the first, it's going to be the first picture tube that burns out in
six weeks. So
we're all... The chairman of the board was negotiating with RCA, and he says, "So,
how much do you want?" And they said, "6 billion," and the guy says, "How much
without
Punky Brewster?" We have one more of these, and the chairman of the board of
General Electrics
was... General Electric was asked how things will be different now that they
have taken over
RCA." And he said, "Well, perhaps now B. Arthur will start returning my calls."
So...
What the hell happened there? I don't... How do you feel about this deal?
I'm thrilled about it. No, you're not. You hate it. You hate it. I heard today
that GE originally
owned RCA. We don't care. We don't want to be taken over by GE. What are these
knuckleheads
gonna do when they get in here? Well, they're gonna just, you know... No, they
won't. Look
it. This is the way I look at it. They're wimps, all right? Listen to this. RCA
brought
you compatible color television. The first network to broadcast in color was
NBC. RCA also brought
you the video disc. All right. We'll let them have it. They developed stereo TV.
You know
what GE developed? The toaster oven. Oh, you like that? Oh. Here's our good
friend, Paul Schaefer.
Paul, say hello to the folks. Watchers and drives. Thanks so much. Thanks a lot,
everybody.
Well, you know, there's some bad things, but there's some good things. It's the
holiday season.
It is the holiday season. You know how thrilled I get around the holidays. You
enjoy the holidays.
I hate the holidays. Can't stand them. Are you gonna do your, uh, your, uh,
singing tribute
for the holidays again? Every year I do. Should I do it now? All right, let's
do it now. Well,
every year I kind of get a little bit nostalgic and reminisce, and I reminisce
a little bit
about Cher's Christmas special of about 15 years ago, when at the end of a
whole hour worth
of comedy and nuttiness, she decided to go straight at the end and sing O Holy
Night very reverently
and almost religiously. An annual tradition for us, Paul Schaefer, as Cher,
doing O Holy Night.
And it was a very beautiful scene, and the snow was falling, and, and the piano
was playing
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Cher singing
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night. Thank you. Thank you so much. The stars over at the shining on.
That's just kind of, you know, I took the holidays for me to meet. Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
You know, we're, we're introducing a brand new development here on our program.
And of course,
we have the SkyCam, which I think is, I think that's, I think that's the reason
GE took over
RCA was to get, get into that SkyCam technology. So tonight we're going to be
introducing a new
application of the SkyCam. It's called the GuestCam. It's a lightweight camera
mounted directly on the head
of the person to be interviewed. The camera itself weighs three ounces, not
including the hat.
I think the guest has to provide his own hat, by the way. There is a power pack
utility belt,
which weighs 12 ounces, and it runs off a 12 volt battery. So our first guest
tonight,
Tom Hanks, has consented to be part of this historic experiment.
I have here a list of things that RCA developed versus a thing, a list of
things that GE developed.
GE developed floodlights, dishwashers, push buttons.
Yeah, we're in good hands now.
It's a Thursday night, kids. So that means one thing and one thing only. It's
time for us to answer
our voluminous viewer mail. Let's get right to it, shall we? Paul, do you have
music for viewer mail again?
I'm working on some original theme for viewer mail. I'll have it probably by
the new year.
By the new year?
Yeah.
We may not be here by the new year with this takeover.
A little, just a little something. A little arpeggio.
That's an arpeggio?
Wasn't he the mouse on the old Ed Sullivan show?
Yeah, whatever.
Letter number one, ladies and gentlemen.
Dear Dave, I pattern my life after you. Is that wise?
Sincerely, Ron Brown, Pickering, Ontario.
Yeah, Ron, I guess it's okay as long as you skip the prison years.
By the way, ladies and gentlemen, that sound effect, I'm going to bet, was
activated by a GE push button.
They invented the push button.
Letter number two, dear Dave, it is very boring waiting online to get in to see
your program.
Could you do something about it? Sincerely.
Could you do something about it? Sincerely, Elisa Rothenberg from Cedarhurst.
Well, Elisa, it's obviously a problem, but seriously, we're working to correct
it.
And if you're coming to see the show next month, be sure to get one of these
right here.
It's a calendar of events for people in the late night ticket line.
Let me show you what we have here.
For the January 6th and January 7th, Roger Mudd will be pricing your antiques
and collectibles.
And January 8th and January 9th, we'll have CPR training for you folks in line.
January 13th, you'll get a glimpse of Jean Shalott.
So come early, stay late. You'll be glad you did.
On the 14th, oh, this is good, a pancake supper served by Bayside High School
Parents Club.
Oh, January 15th is Las Vegas night.
January 16th is the Green Cross workshop on boating courtesy.
And then the last two weeks in the month of January, Robert Goulet will be down
there entertaining you.
We bring good things to living.
We bring good things to life.
I think maybe we should all recite that.
All right, let's do it now.
We bring good things to living.
We bring good things to life.
They had some guy in a garage for two decades working on the push button.
Dear Dave, letter number three begins,
You have the most provocative hands on television.
Have you ever considered doing a sensuous poster of them?
Patty Burns, Rochester, New York.
Gee, this is kind of embarrassing, Patty,
but you'll be glad to learn that there's a whole series of posters featuring my
hands.
Hal, show the folks some of those posters in that series, if you will, please.
Okay, that's our director, Hal, Bernie.
That's very nice.
Oh, the waterfall in the hand, yeah.
And then the birds soaring, a cloudless sky.
Oh, this is nice, kind of a horizon and a sunset.
Looks like Chicago there in the distance.
Oh, a couple of lovers there by the ocean.
And finally one for winter.
No, no, no, no, no.
I think those were more sensual.
More sensual than sensuous?
Rather than sensuous, yeah.
Probably so.
What would be the difference, exactly?
Difference between?
Yeah.
I'm in terrible trouble.
Since you brought it up.
I don't know.
Let's just do the show.
Do you suppose anybody involved in the big GE takeover has ever seen this show?
Probably not.
Yeah, probably not.
Suppose they'll be watching now?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
They'll hear about this.
Yeah.
Are you going to get some cartoons or something?
Letter number four.
No kidding, you invented the push button?
This is a line for a guy in a bar, isn't it?
Yeah, I worked with GE on the development of that push button.
You know, in the old days, you had to throw a switch.
Now you just push a button.
Dear Dave, I have written over 50 letters to late night.
Where are they?
April Stopa.
Toms Rivers, New Jersey.
You know, gee, April, I'm sorry to hear about this.
I don't know what happened.
Of course, all of the mail we receive here is read.
And, of course, it's all answered.
And I don't think there's any reason that your letters were ignored.
Hi.
It's Jimmy Fitzgerald, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi, Jimmy.
Is that letter from April Stopa?
April Stopa, yeah.
Right here.
This is from April Stopa.
Great.
Can I have it?
You've been waiting for it.
Oh, you've been waiting for it.
Sure.
I'm sorry.
Go help us out.
Thank you very much.
Jimmy Fitzgerald waiting for the letter from April Stopa.
I got it, Tommy.
Well, let's put it under there.
Let's park it.
Let's play.
Come on.
Okay.
Okay.
That was kind of a pleasant surprise, wasn't it?
Okay.
I believe we're now up to letter number five.
Let me just take one more look at this list of GE products.
Let's see.
See.
No, no, no.
Wait a minute.
Doorbell.
GE invented the doorbell.
Kind of a companion piece to the push button.
The doorbell and the push button.
They're now running the company.
You know, not too long after we came up with that button thing, well, one of
the guys had
kind of a nutty notion about hooking a bell to it.
Bing bong.
Yeah, we did that.
Somebody at the door.
Somebody at the door.
No, no, no, no, no.
Right here.
Right here.
Get some blazers made up.
This will be nice.
Won't it?
The people who brought you the push button and the doorbell.
Thank you.
Letter number five begins.
Dear Mr. Letterman, in the past, my friends and I have enjoyed your show
greatly.
Paul Schafer.
Oh, Paul.
Paul Schafer, it says here, is not my favorite, but that's life.
Ooh.
In the future, I would like to see you shoot things with a high-powered rifle.
Well, I don't think we can do that.
I would also like to see Will Lee's bass guitar apparently shattered into 17
pieces.
Well, and also shatter Paul Schafer's glasses.
Sincerely, yours, Brad Bates.
This is a hostile letter, and Brad, thanks for telling us all about it.
I think we might be able to accommodate at least one of these requests.
Paul, Brad here says that you're not one of his favorites.
How do you feel about something like that?
That little wuss.
I wish I could get my hands on him right now.
That kind of thing gets me so mad.
Oh, my gosh.
Unbelievable.
Settle down, Paul.
Huh?
Okay.
Okay.
That concludes this installment.
All right.
Put everything on top of your TV.
One more.
One more.
How are we doing?
Oh, we're running terribly late.
Tom Hanks is here.
Very funny gentleman.
He'll also be testing the new guest cam.
Marv Albert is here.
And fine comedian John Mendoza.
We'll be right back, folks.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Watch yourself, Kevin.
Oh, darn.
Okay.
They invented the push button, ladies and gentlemen.
As we mentioned earlier, General Electric has come forward with a record $6
billion in cash.
In cash.
To buy RCA and NBC.
It's an historic moment and something of an uncertain one.
Here now, with a message to our viewers and to GE, is the network's president
and chief executive officer, Mr. Grant Tinker.
Grant?
Thanks, Tom.
And hello, everybody.
I'm Grant Tinker, chairman of NBC, a division of the RCA Company.
Well, you've all seen the papers.
New York Post, GE buys RCA.
USA Today, big new merger, GE and RCA.
The Daily News, man falls off roof, cop is accused.
No, I'm sorry.
It's down here.
GE agrees to buy RCA.
Well, don't be alarmed.
NBC will continue to provide quality programming.
And by the way, there's no truth to the rumor that we'll be replacing Kit, the
car on Knight Rider, with a GE talking refrigerator.
But seriously, I'd like to say welcome aboard to the people of General Electric.
I, for one, am glad you're here.
Things at NBC may seem a little disorganized.
You're a big corporation.
You'll be coming in with a lot of real accountants, many of them college
graduates.
You may be surprised by our informal accounting methods.
You see, at RCA, we're not so much a company as a family.
And sometimes a family borrows money from itself without any written receipts.
You wouldn't call that stealing.
General Electric, I ask only for your patience and