Name: No-Audience Hurricane Sandy Shows on Letterman, Oct. 29 & 30, 2012
Uploaded: 2020-03-12T04:06:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'No-Audience Hurricane Sandy Shows on Letterman, Oct. 29 & 30, 2012' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'No-Audience Hurricane Sandy Shows on Letterman, Oct. 29 & 30, 2012' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-12. Transcript available.

No-Audience Hurricane Sandy Shows on Letterman, Oct. 29 & 30, 2012

How do you feel that? You can hear it. And the storm. Feel it. Not even here
yet. Hurricane Sandy. They're talking about the 90 mile an hour winds. Flooding
the bridges and the tunnels all close. They close the subways and we can't get
an audience. So the question is do we do a show? Do we not do a show?
I don't know. It's up to you. It's up to me. Yeah. Let's go for it. Do a show.
All right. Let's do a show. All right. Come on in. Why not? Oh wait a minute.
The thing is. Where's the key? Oh. It's upstairs.
The night. Denzel Washington. And music from Paul Banks. Plus Paul Schaefer and
the CBS Orchestra. And now the perfect storm. Hey. Let it in.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much. Nice to see you. Thank you very much for joining us here
tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, we're in the middle of Hurricane Sandy.
And we have no studio audience. But by God, we do have a quite a show for you
tonight. So thank you very much for joining us here in the Ed Sullivan shelter.
You know, my friend, Paul Schaefer. I'll just go right over here.
I'll be right over here.
Okay. I'm here. Thank you very much. Because of the safety, we thought if we
got the 500 people here in the audience, that would be great. But then they
would be getting out just in time for the big full-on attack of Hurricane Sandy.
And that wouldn't be a good idea.
The mayor has shut down the tunnels. He's shut down the railroad system. He's
shut down the subways. He's shut down buses. And the only way you can get
around earlier was taxis. I don't know if you can get around on taxis now.
But we felt like we would be putting the audience at jeopardy if they had to
sit through the show. And I said, "Hell, we've been doing that for 30 years!"
Ah! Look out! Hello! Come in! Yes. Come in! Thank you. Hello! Come in. I have
here some storm facts. They're calling this one of the worst storms in United
States history. One of the worst storms in United States history. Wind gusts of
up to 90 miles an hour. They're expecting 12 inches of rain. Hell, I got that
on me. I got that on me! I got that on me, ladies and gentlemen.
Ten million people are expected to lose power. The hurricane will make landfall
in New Jersey and Delaware during high tide and a full moon.
What does that make landfall? Everybody's saying that now. Make landfall. What
does that mean?
Well, I guess that's the center of the hurricane. Well, actually, that's the
time it actually passes over the coast. And reaches the land.
Mm-hmm. But they'll have a full moon. And the full moon, of course, affects the
tides. It makes the tides, because of the gravitational pull of the moon, the tides
will be higher than normal.
So that makes it a surge. They're expecting the surge, yeah. 12 inches of rain.
The hurricane will meet a cold front.
Now, here's the problem. Originally, if this was just Hurricane Sandy, and by
God, think of this. Think of everything that we own and know and love as people
is somehow affected, wiped out, destroyed.
We have to blame something named Sandy. Gee, I never thought of it that way.
Yeah, Sandy.
We were victimized by Sandy. Hardly. I don't think I can go on living. Thanks a
lot, Sandy.
The hurricane will meet. Anyway, it started out as a hurricane, and it worked
its way up here.
And then it meets something coming from the west, a storm front coming from the
west, and it meets a storm front coming, an arctic mass coming down from the
north.
So you combine these three forces, and instead of just the force of one or two
of these, you have the force of three of these combining, and they're calling
it a hybrid.
Ooh, it's a hybrid. Hybrid. And the hurricane will meet a cold front and drop
up to three feet of snow in West Virginia.
Really? West Virginia, where I think typically they don't get much snow. Never.
Hey, anybody here from West Virginia? Ah, they left. The cost of the storm. How
much do you think this storm is going to cost us, Paul?
Well, I think I read it. It was in the billions. Yeah, that's right. It's a
billion dollars. I don't know why. I don't mean to be laughing.
It's just that he hit it right on the head. So here are the jokes. If we had
had an audience, here, let's run through some of these jokes, Paul.
Okay, yeah. I come out and I say, well, so much for the drought. That would
have been the opening.
That would have been a funny opening, right there. It's a whole different
perspective when you're sitting here reading them.
Well, there's no, you don't get any reaction. No, that's about right.
All right. I got up this morning, turned on the radio and listened for the talk
show closings. I have no luck.
Talk show closings. Talk show closings. Yeah. That's a play on it.
Wait a minute. I think I hear people banging at the door of the theater
demanding to come in.
Wait a minute. We don't want to miss this.
This storm could mean the biggest power outage since the Yankees.
Ah.
Across the street at Flash Dancers, strippers are lashed to the pole.
Flash them.
All right, Anton, you don't need to be, you don't need to be sarcastic. Thank
you.
It all helps. It all helps.
I'm wearing my hairpiece with a chin strap because of the winds.
Yeah. See.
Yeah.
That's right, Will. Safety first.
So, Wendy, yesterday, a Jets receiver was actually blown into the end zone.
Oh, that's a good thing, too, because it's the only way they scored.
Thanks, Paul.
Yeah.
Tonight, we're doing a show without a lot of our...
Now, that's the truth.
A lot of people who work on the staff and the crew couldn't get in
because the mayor shut down the tunnels and the trains and so forth.
So, we're doing what they call a skeletal crew.
Here, for example, look who's running the camera over there.
Look at that.
That's a mannequin, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah, that's a skeleton crew.
Running that camera.
That's how skeletal our crew is.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, it would have been funny, though, like an actual skeleton running the
camera.
Yeah, you're right.
It's too late for this.
Yeah, it's too late.
9,000 flights have been canceled out at JFK Airport.
TSA agents had to grope themselves.
Oh, they had to grope themselves.
They're out there groping themselves right now.
Yeah.
Somebody has to do something.
Hurricane Sandy.
I haven't seen people soak this bad since the Facebook IPO.
Anything?
Wow.
Well, that's like a tech humor.
Tech humor has never been my strong suit.
Here's a weather tip to save time before you leave your house.
Turn your umbrella inside out.
Sure, might as well.
Outside in, inside out.
Turn your umbrella.
Bless you.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
New York City is being slammed with Hurricane Sandy.
Take a look at how bad it is.
This is going to be actual footage taken earlier today on Broadway.
That's across the street from the theater.
Look at that.
That's a hot dog cart and a guy.
And there's a pretzel.
And there's another guy.
This is a, you're saying the theater is submerged.
Yeah.
I'm so sad that 500 people couldn't be here to enjoy this.
Yeah.
You all right?
Oh, I'm nice.
Goodness.
Wow.
You okay?
Yeah.
Wow, it looks like you took a nasty fall.
Alan, are you all right?
You could have told me we were doing a show today?
Yeah.
Well, he made it.
Yeah.
I think he hit the deck coming in.
The storm has stopped the presidential campaign, so at least some good has come
of it.
All right.
Stop it.
All right.
That's fine.
You know, there's always one guy.
I'm that guy.
Okay.
Power outages could wreak havoc on election day, but don't worry.
Republicans have backup crooked voting machines.
Wow.
Mitt Romney canceled eight campaign stops and two spray tanning sessions.
You know, he admitted, Mitt Romney admitted to using the spray tan.
He did finally admit it.
Finally admitted that they got a guy come in and spray his face.
Really?
I don't know to what end.
I'm not sure.
He wasn't going to admit it, but somebody kept the dress.
That he'll admit, but he won't release his tax information.
That, you see, yeah.
Yeah.
And historically, have Americans always preferred a president with a tan?
Well, when they say tanned, he's tanned and rested and ready.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
Those are the three elements.
Those are the three elements.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And Ronald Reagan, for years and years, his hair would go back and forth
between orange
and a lovely, deep, rich, reddish mahogany.
Yes.
Well, that's that bad hair dye look that we love in a politician.
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, listen to this.
President Obama had a 15-minute phone call today with New Jersey Governor Chris
Christie.
Now, what's interesting about this is usually when Chris Christie is on the
phone for 15 minutes,
it's with dominoes.
That's the difference.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what's interesting about it.
Have you seen Chris Christie?
Here, take a look at the guy.
I'd like to see him.
Oh, we don't have him.
I'm sorry.
He's great, though.
No, we have a staff shortage.
We don't have him.
Yeah, you can't have everything.
Everybody in New York is prepared for the hurricane.
Oh!
Even Donald Trump, who was here last week.
Yes, he was.
Donald Trump.
Take a look at him.
He's prepared for the hurricane.
Oh, in his own way.
He's boarded up his hair, ladies and gentlemen.
He's boarded up his hair.
You've got to board up things.
You've got to board up your hair.
I thought he saw that.
I thought the joke was he's got solid gold hair.
I don't know how that would help him in a storm, but you know.
Listen, listen.
I'm no FEMA.
I'm no safety expert.
But if I were at home, I'd be boarding up your television sets.
Tonight.
Because this is the kind of thing that's going to hurt somebody.
Okay, that was Donald Trump.
And let's see what else do we have here.
Oh, it's time for a new segment.
Now, this is usually nice at the end of the opening remarks.
We'll have a new segment for people.
And I'm glad everybody's in such a good mood tonight.
Because I'm going to come into the audience later and drop my pants and fire a
rocket.
Good.
Okay.
It's time for a new segment called Now.
Oh, this is good.
It's a comparative segment.
Now I feel better.
Now I don't.
I don't.
So the first half of this, as the title explains, Now I Feel Better.
Second half, Now I Don't Feel So Good.
Yeah.
Take a look.
The pre-positioning of resources, commodities, equipment that are going to be
needed to respond to the storm are in place.
Now I Feel Better.
Now I Don't.
This has been Now I Feel Better, Now I Don't.
Now I Don't.
You see, Now I Feel Better, Now I Don't.
Let me tell you about something.
Show business, by and large, it's been my experience that show business is full
of weasels.
And when I say weasel, I mean people who don't do what they say they're going
to do.
We've had people cancel left and right.
We've had people make up one excuse after another not to be here, not to do the
show.
Yeah.
But this guy on the program tonight knew all about Hurricane Sandy, was living
in California at his home.
Guess what he did?
He said, I don't care about the Hurricane Sandy.
I'm coming to New York City to be with Dave and my friends at the light show.
Denzel Washington.
I love it.
How about that?
He's here tonight.
Yes.
We'll be right back with tonight's top ten list.
And Denzel Washington, everybody.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much