Name: Custom-Made Show #1 on Letterman, November 15, 1983
Uploaded: 2020-03-23T19:25:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Custom-Made Show #1 on Letterman, November 15, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Custom-Made Show #1 on Letterman, November 15, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-23. Transcript available.

Custom-Made Show #1 on Letterman, November 15, 1983

hi there I'm David Letterman and welcome to the show I guess most of you
watching at home are
probably watching on television you know it's it's an interesting thing about
watching a
television show do you really think you're watching a show that you want to
watch when
you're watching a show no no you're not watching a show you want to watch you're
watching a show
that some high-powered television executive wants you to watch well all of that
is going to change
tonight because we are going to have our fine studio audience vote on what they
would like to
see on this television program yes that's right through their applause measured
on this ultra
sensitive piece of equipment we are going to construct America's first custom
homemade television program for example category number one voting now with
your applause what
would you like to see me wear on tonight's program a a gray double-breasted
jacket
okay the ultra sensitive piece of equipment registering not much selection B a
blue double-breasted jacket
see what I wore to work today
that by the way is what I'm wearing right here all right category number two
instead of our fine band
making the regular theme at the beginning of our show tonight would you like to
have them play Lara's theme
from the motion picture Dr Zhivago
or B the equally moving theme from Gilligan's Island
doing a lot of important work here tonight
yes sir all right number three instead of showing the regular opening montage
of
new york city street scenes would would you like us to show tonight a montage
depicting America this beautiful country of ours
or be photo highlights of Bill Wendel's vacation
now we have one more category to vote on before we begin the show and then we'll
get things rolling
who would you like to hear do the opening announce for the show tonight our
announcer bill Wendel
or be the first person i can find in the hallway
all right bill hang on do you have the copy for the opening bill all right i'll
be right back we need
the first person we can find the first person the first person uh this guy
excuse me come here a second
hi what's your name bob you got a second we need somebody to open the show here
just walk this way
what are your page here is that correct no not quite what are you traffic
coordinator
dressed like a page well it's kind of um all right bob this is bill wendel our
announcer bill just
give him the copy put that in your ear and uh oh boil that before you put it in
there
uh okay here now uh summarizing uh the clothing i get to dre address the way i
am here the way i
came to work our opening theme now will be gilligan's island music the opening
photo montage will be
highlights from bill wendel's vacation our announcer is not bill wendel but the
first guy we could find in
the hall and by the way let me point something out this man is not a page all
right um are you all
set sir i'm set you all set you folks ready all right let's begin our custom-made
show
from new york city the city that invites you to quit your job and come here to
hang out
it's late night with david letterman tonight the custom-made show will you the
audience decide what's on
the show with actress terry garg and sex therapist doctor luke westheimer and
now a man who bet everything
he owns that if saturn had one of all in jupiter saturn will win but but soon
we'll get the bitter victory
david letterman
thank you thank you very much thank you folks welcome to the program my name is
david letterman
and briefly once again tonight this is our custom-made show this is not the
kind of show you can walk
into any store and buy off the rack no sir this one is being hand tailored to
the wishes and whims of our
finest studio audience and personally i couldn't be happier all right now uh
opening a joke so you have a
choice here ladies and gentlemen would you like to hear a joke about cab
drivers in new york city
i don't feel your hearts in it or how about secretary of state george schultz
i kind of had a hunch it would be
all right here is our joke about secretary of state george schultz he uh he now
says that we should let
grenada serve as a lesson to everyone that the united states government will go
anywhere to protect
americans who cannot get into regular medical school
on this program tonight you're going to meet oh a lovely and talented uh terry
garr will be with us
this evening
also uh the lovely and talented dr ruth westheimer
now we were not voting on their relative loveliness and talents uh
oh now say hello to our good friend you know him you love him mr paul schaefer
paul
david thank you so much
you look just fabulous i just want to say this in the spirit of the custom-made
show
i will do anything that any woman in the audience wants me to do after the show
so that's going to
be mine well that's darn nice of you paul okay nice to see you how's everything
everything is
good i'm looking forward to seeing uh what happens yeah what happens and of
course the audience nice
to see a steve jordan or drummer how about steve's new haircut is that a new
hair do we have enough
time to dwell on it for a minute it's got it's flat on the top
did the audience vote on that one also no it's a nice looking haircut uh okay
we got plenty of work
here to do ladies and gentlemen your voting is not yet finished uh for tonight
instead of our regular
new york city backdrop which you see every night uh would you like to see a a
backdrop of the windy
city city chicago at night
please ladies and gentlemen no whistling this thing is so sensitively calibrated
uh all right b a woodland scene backdrop
or c a huge blow up of the inside of bob rooney's mouth
i have a feeling we're all going to be deeply sorry all right bring in the uh
the huge blow up
oh my god okay well that's being uh put into place uh also tonight when a
pencil is thrown through the
window instead of using the normal crashing of glass sound effect should we use
the sound of two large
dogs fighting
the sound of one large dog and one small dog fighting
or the sound of sizzling bacon
is that close what was that sizzling bacon you got it
all right moving on now for for tonight's uh oh my god
paul give me that giant tube of binaca will you
for tonight's show should the interviews be conducted using our regular desk
and chairs
all right uh how about b no desk and a set of lawn chairs
okay
no desk but the set of lawn chairs so if you guys can come on in here and just
uh
do what you need to do
and uh we have we have a fine show uh dr ruth will be here also uh terry gar
and uh when we come back from a commercial we're going to decide uh let you
folks decide who would
you oh certainly i'm sorry are you guys with the show uh so we're going to let
you decide through
your vote uh who you would like to have as our first guest either uh lovely terry
gar
or a lovely dr ruth westheimer so all of the oh this is shaping up just great
isn't it
uh this is like the garden department at lampston's isn't it uh okay uh we're
going to pause for a
commercial we'll be right back to vote on who gets to be our first guest
uh it's beautiful isn't it it's uh sinfully luxurious down here i i wish each
and every
one of you could share this more what do you think paul is this all right it's
fabulous
it's like a garden party you know a little bit i was on the train again last
night everybody i run
into asks me to uh give you their best they're you're very popular on the train
pole thank you so
much and isn't it and and how are you doing on the train well it's all right it
was very crowded
last night and uh i was sitting next to one of these guys every few miles every
four or five
miles the guy would do this nice that is a nice nice move i think yeah that's
no good but it's uh
so uh we're gonna have to run him down to the lab okay we have some more
we have uh more selection uh gee and you know i don't feel stupid
um we we may have to have another vote on that by the way okay uh tonight what
do you think we have
two wonderful guests uh equally fine humans in their own right uh would you
like to see as our first
guest tonight the lovely and talented fine actress nominated for an academy
award dr ruth westheim no
no no no miss terry gar
all right or our other uh fine guest tonight uh has her own radio show here in
new york city and uh
other fine cities across the united states and europe as well dr ruth westheimer
all right what is it dr ruth will be our first guest folks
well bless bless uh probably seen the last of terry well
uh okay dr ruth will be our first guest let me get the information here uh she
is the author of uh
dr ruth's guide to good sex and host of her own radio show uh called sexually
speaking she has been
recently inducted into the new york academy of medicine and we're delighted
that she could be
here with us tonight please welcome dr ruth westheimer
hi dr ruth how are you nice to see you
thanks uh for joining us now how was terry upset about not being selected to
come up first no no but for
me i think that that's very funny with an academy award nominee i think that's
terrific oh i see yeah
no no i consoled her she's her girl and i'm going to watch her in the back
later you think
she will show up oh yes now you how you get the radio show not only here in new
york city where
else is it los angeles los angeles a whole hour over satellite from new york to
los angeles is
it done the same day you do the show here in new york and five minutes each
week to luxembourg
in german so all of europe now he is about sex now wait a minute and five
minutes in israel uh now
what kind of things do you talk about from on the show that goes from luxembourg
to
the rest of europe same things same things you do here in the united states
that's right they have
the same problems david oh that's i guess they have the same problems they ask
me about personal
relationship questions and they do ask me about sexual questions and do you
take phone calls
they have already enough questions the way you collected them they have enough
until the year
2050 they told me so they sent me a wait a minute they've got that's what they
told me and what they're
doing is they give me one question per week and then i answer it one question a
week and you've got
enough until the end of the century that's right oh i hope you'll be around too
so that we can discuss it
so you only answer one question on each show now what's the common question you
get in europe in
germany for example what's on the minds of the germans about sexual functioning
and how to become
better lovers and how for women to have orgasms and how men not to be premature
ejaculators exactly the
same type of questions same stuff um how is uh how is your book doing i know
you have to have a book
guess what what that's interesting because it has now been translated into
german it's being translated
into japanese french and turkish which is really terrific because it shows
seriously speaking it does show that
sex is a concern of everybody of arabs of jews of everybody in this world even
on the david letterman show
and
it's doing nicely yeah yeah and the other thing is that i might have a
television program but it's on
another channel so i don't want to talk about it when would when will you know
about that soon i promise
i'll tell you okay and you were inducted into the academy of medicine yeah that's
nice that's good time
stuff isn't it yes because i'm not a physician and you have to be voted upon
and what i love is
despite the fact that i'm having a lot of fun you see that uh-huh that i also
just published a chapter
in a medical textbook which means that i'm continuing keeping my academic
credentials
uh-huh and uh and the other stuff okay you know that they love you at that
college that i mentioned
before we'll mention it again oswego oh they're going to be very happy because
you wore a t-shirt
that's right i'll wear almost anything uh are we gonna we're gonna do audience
questions now is
that what we're doing here we'll 