Name: Custom-Made Show #2 on Letterman, March 27, 1984
Uploaded: 2020-03-26T17:02:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Custom-Made Show #2 on Letterman, March 27, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Custom-Made Show #2 on Letterman, March 27, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-26. Transcript available.

Custom-Made Show #2 on Letterman, March 27, 1984

Hi, how are you?
I guess everybody in North America knows that when you're home and the privacy
and comfort of your own house watching television,
you're not really watching what you want to watch, are you?
Of course not. You're watching what some weenie television executive wants you
to watch.
Well, all of that has changed tonight because this is our second custom-made
television broadcast.
Let me explain this to you. Our studio audience, by their applause, and to be
measured on this ultra-sensitive piece of audio equipment,
we'll show you that later, they will vote on what they would like to see on our
television program.
Truly, democracy in action. Let's begin, shall we?
First of all, now get ready to vote, ladies and gentlemen.
Instead of our regular theme, would you like to hear, A, the theme from the CBS
News television program, 60 Minutes?
Go ahead and vote if...
Okay, there was...
Or B, the theme from Bonanza?
All right, so it's Bonanza just edging out 60 Minutes.
Okay, get ready to vote now.
Again, instead of our regular opening montage tonight, the videotape we use at
the top of the show,
would you like to see, A, a montage featuring the largest dams in North America?
Okay, B, a montage of items from the 1968 Sears Colorado.
Okay, again, would you tonight, instead of our own announcer, Bill Wendell,
would you like to hear the opening announce done by, listen carefully, A,
Denise, the NBC nurse?
Okay.
You're going to hate yourselves when you hear B.
Or B, Lieutenant Governor of New York, Alfred D. Del Bello?
I'm going to have to ask for a ruling on that.
Who won, Denise or Al?
Alfred?
All right, our producer said it was Alfred.
Already some dissension involved in the voting here.
Okay, well, it's going to be the Lieutenant Governor of the Empire State,
Alfred D. Del Bello.
And finally, we have one more category for you to vote in tonight before we
begin the show.
For tonight's program, should I, A, co-host with our own Al Frisch?
There's Al right there.
Al getting...
Didn't even register.
What a crushing moment this must be for Al and his family.
Or B, would you like me to co-host the show with...
Denise, the NBC nurse.
Okay.
Al, I'm just sick about this.
All right, there you go.
You can hold those cards if you don't mind.
What is your name, by the way?
Louisa.
Louisa?
All right.
What is your last name?
Viviani.
Viviani.
Okay.
Do we want to vote on Louisa staying, or...?
No, Louisa is going to stay.
All right, let me run down the results of the voting.
First of all, tonight's theme, not a normal theme,
it will be the theme from Bonanza.
The opening videotape montage will be items from the 1968 Sears catalog.
Announcing our show tonight, this was kind of a close call.
It will be the beloved Lieutenant Governor of New York, Alfred Del Bello.
And we will be co-hosting the show tonight with Denise Robinson, the NBC nurse.
Are we set?
That's it?
All right, let's begin our second custom-made television broadcast.
Thank you.
New York, home of street corner electrolysis, it's late night with David Letterman.
Tonight, the custom-made show number two, where you, the audience, decide what's
on the
show with actress Sandra Bernard and Jane Pauling.
And now a man with moral convictions and two misdemeanors, David Letterman.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, folks.
And welcome to truly an exciting night in American broadcasting.
Tonight, our audience voting on what they would like to see on this program.
And we have a wonderful lineup for you.
Jane Pauling will be here, newly returned to the NBC Today show.
And also a fine actress, a very funny woman, Sandra Bernhardt, will be here
tonight on the
show.
So.
Now, again, you'll be voting throughout the show.
And here is another category.
Normally, at this position, I come out and tell some lame little joke and I'm
beaten within
an inch of my life for it.
So tonight, would you like to hear the usual opening joke?
If you would like to hear that, vote now for A with your applause.
If you would like to hear the usual...
It's going to be another close one.
All right.
Now, or B, would you like me to get out the tennis cannon and fire a few at the
door of live
time?
Thank you.
Let me, uh, let me get a ruling on that.
What does that sound like, Barry?
Okay.
All right.
Let's go over here.
Let's, uh, load up our tennis cannon.
Okay, Willie, I think let's put it right there.
Right there is good.
Okay.
Now, uh, is the thing set all right?
The trajectory?
That looks a little high.
Now, for those of you who don't understand, Live at Five is a local television
program that
is going on simultaneous with our show.
They're on the air live in New York.
Can we get a shot of the door, Hal, so we know what we're shooting at?
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
So, you want me to turn it on?
Okay.
How many should we fire off until, I guess...
All right.
I tell you what.
Let's, let's compromise.
No, no.
Until we see blood.
Okay.
Here we go.
Good luck.
Oh, no, Willie.
A little to the right there.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
A little higher to the left.
Can I try that, Willie?
Let me in there.
All right.
We'll get...
We'll hit the...
Oh, okay.
Oh!
Oh, we...
We're like Jim Garner in Tank.
Oh, well.
Let's just, let's just let it run throughout the show.
Would that be...
Oh, darn.
Oh, darn.
Okay.
Worked great in rehearsal.
We dropped a couple of them.
Okay.
Now...
Oh, we go back here to the desk, and we'll meet our co-hostess for the evening,
the NBC nurse,
Denise Robinson, ladies and gentlemen.
Denise?
Hi, Denise.
How are you?
Nice to see you.
How do I see you right here?
Denise, how long have you been the NBC nurse?
I've been here approximately eight and a half years.
Have you enjoyed your eight and a half years?
Almost definitely.
In that time, have you ever been on TV?
Uh, a little bit.
Doing what?
Uh, taking a blood pressure.
And, uh, for what show was that?
That was for the news.
Oh, it was for the news.
Yeah.
And somebody, it was an emergency, and you had to run in and slap the cuff on
somebody?
Not really.
Okay.
Uh, we're happy to have you here.
Now, anything you want to add as we, as we go along, just jump right in, and,
uh, it should be a lot of fun.
Certainly.
We have some more voting to do.
Mm-hmm.
For tonight's program, ladies and gentlemen, should we use, get ready to vote
here, A, our regular desk and chairs,
A, or B, no desk, but a set of fully operational dental chairs?
Okay.
So, should we have him start making that change right now?
Okay, Denise, you and I better get out of the way.
Come on in, gentlemen, and, uh, we have one other area to vote on.
Let's, let's just see what happens.
This will be a lot of fun.
There goes the, uh, the microphone.
And, uh, oh, I hope these guys work for the network.
Could be an ugly crime.
Okay.
Now, while they're, uh, rearranging home base, we have, uh, one other piece of
business here.
Instead of our usual New York City backdrop, which you see right over there.
Watch yourself, Denise.
Oh, my goodness.
You, you were almost drilled.
Um, okay, now these are backdrop choices for the show.
Instead of our regular New York City backdrop, would you like to see, A,
footage of Mount St. Helens erupting?
That would be spectacular, wouldn't it?
Right.
Okay.
Or, B, footage of people doing odd things.
Okay.
And, and your final choice in this category, C, a giant living ant farm.
Okay, so it is B, footage of, uh, people doing odd things.
All right.
Uh, we have nothing more to vote on in this particular segment.
We're going to go away for a commercial.
Uh, during that time, they will have the, uh, the stuff set up, and we'll have
the backdrop
ready to go.
Denise and I will be right back, and then we'll vote on who comes out here
first, Jane Pauley
or Sandra Bernhardt.
Please join us, won't you?
Thank you.
Hi, there, and welcome back, and as you can see, we have the, the background
now.
This is the, uh, film footage of, of people doing odd things, and, uh, we can
change this
at any time we want.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Can't we?
Yeah.
We, we have, uh, other selections.
So, if you get, uh, a little tired of this, we'll, we'll change it for you.
And, uh, Denise, uh, Robinson is, uh, co-hosting the show.
Anything you'd like to add at this point?
At this point, I think you're doing a great job.
I'll let you handle it.
Oh, that's, uh, thanks a lot.
Uh, okay.
Now, it's, uh, it's time to vote again.
Who would you like to see as our first guest on this, uh, history-making
broadcast tonight?
A, the fabulously talented actress Sandra Bernhardt.
Or, B, the wonderfully charming and talented hostess of the Today Show, Jane Pauley.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Well, I don't, what was it?
Who, who is the winner?
It is Jane Pauley.
All right, our first guest tonight will be Jane Pauley.
Uh, she is a bright and likable woman who has recently returned to her job as
co-host of the Today Show.
After giving birth to twins in late December, we're always delighted to have
her here on the show.
Please welcome Jane Pauley.
Okay, let me, let me go over here.
Jane.
Oh, nice to see you.
I know.
Do I have to be tranquilized?
Well, uh, I'm always a little tranquilized, and I find that it helps.
Yes, I should have polished the bottoms of my shoes.
Welcome, welcome to the show, Jane.
It sure is a pleasure to be here.
Yeah.
Uh, let me talk about your, what is it?
I'm going to get rid of the drawer for you.
Get, get, get, well, sure, go right ahead.
All right.
Yeah, I don't think we could have done the show if it had stayed like that.
All right.
Uh, all right, now, Jane.
I, you lost something important.
Uh, if it's connected with this show, it can't be that important.
Oh, now, Jane, tell me about your, your twins.
You have a, a little boy and a little girl.
What's going on behind us?
I'm sorry.
Why?
Is there, you detect something untoward?
Well, it's fascinating.
Come on, yeah.
Oh, that's, yeah, that's the, sure.
I just want to know what they would, what odd things they were doing.
We voted on this stuff.
Yeah, those are.
But we have a right to know what odd things they're doing.
Well, I don't know.
Well, it looks like, uh, just, uh, another day in the park from here.
I, uh, okay, now, there, uh, now, do you have...
You know, one thing that, that happened to me, um, on television, once early in
my career
on the Today program, I realized that underneath the desk, my shoes had fallen
off.
You know how sometimes your, your shoes will kind of slip off like that?
And having done that much, they'd gone entirely.
And I realized that I was doing network television barefoot.
Uh-oh.
Now, though, no one knew it, mind you.
But me, doing network television barefoot was mighty disconcerting.
Did you not...
I hope my shoe does not fall off here on the Dave Letterman Show.
Now, wait.
Um, now, let me go back to your...
Do you mind?
I have a couple of questions about your twins.
Oh, all right.
Now, are they, are they fraternal twins or are they identical twins?
They're fraternal, one being of the male persuasion and the other being of the
female persuasion.
Right.
So, as you can probably figure out, they're not completely identical.
No, that's true.
But what, um, what's the difference, though, other than the obvious one,
between fraternal
and identical twins?
This is a dental chair.
And you're asking me?
No, as a matter of fact, I had, people have asked me, you know, what are the
twins, boy
and a girl?
And I say, yes, they're a boy and a girl.
And they will say, well, are they identical?
No, intelligent people.
Really, seriously.
Semi-intelligent people have asked me that.
And I have patiently explained, as I did to you, well, a doctor...
No, no, no, no, the joke is on me.
I said, said that on, on, on the Today Show.
And I got a letter from a doctor in California who said, well, actually, Jane,
it is possible
for twins to be boy and girl and identical.
See?
It happens...
Well, you explain it, Dave.
Well, no, I have no idea.
I don't, um...
Okay, well, what happens is, the two little, say, we've got two little
