Name: Tributes to David Letterman, Part 22 of 31: Ray Romano 1995, 2015
Uploaded: 2020-04-21T20:31:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tributes to David Letterman, Part 22 of 31: Ray Romano 1995, 2015' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tributes to David Letterman, Part 22 of 31: Ray Romano 1995, 2015' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-21. Transcript available.

Thank you very much.
Thank you, Paul.
Let me mention who's on the program tomorrow.
Our old friend Billy Crystal will be joining us tomorrow.
Also, Mr. Sports, Marv Albert, and great rock and roll band Matthew Sweet will
be here tomorrow.
It's another wonderful program.
Our ladies and gentlemen, next guest is a very funny comedian making his first
appearance with us tonight.
He can also be seen all this week at the Comedy Stop at the Trop in Atlantic
City.
Do me a favor now.
Please, a nice welcome for Ray Romano.
Ray!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, thank you.
Wow.
Thank you again.
Wow, you're too good almost.
Good.
I'm glad.
It's great to be back here in my hometown, New York.
I've been traveling, and the crowds aren't as good.
I was in...
Actually, I was in Montreal, Canada last week.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Beautiful city.
I learned some French there.
They're all bilingual.
That's what amazed me in Montreal.
I went into a Burger King.
The Burger King employees are required to be bilingual.
Just think about that for a second, folks.
Have you been to Burger King in New York?
Yeah.
They're not even lingual here.
It's a little different in New York.
You have to kind of draw your food here.
Hamburger.
I'd like a hamburger.
Hamburger.
I have to go.
I'm going to go.
Take it out.
Here, I'll put little feet on my hamburger.
They're...
They're bilingual.
I go there quite often, to Burger King's, McDonald's.
I have children.
I have to take them somewhere.
I have, uh...
Yeah.
I have a three-year-old daughter and twin two-year-old boys.
Wow.
Thank you.
Single people are here.
Single people are like,
Hey, twins!
Parents.
Oh, that could have been us.
Oh, my God.
I'll tell you.
You know, it doesn't matter if you laugh or not.
I'm just happy to be out of the house right now.
I'll be honest with you.
I will be honest.
You know, it's horrible.
I make little excuses now just to get out of my house for a few minutes.
I'll do anything.
Anybody need anything?
Anything at all?
Anything?
Anything from the Motor Vehicle Bureau?
How about that?
Can I register?
Something.
It's on my way.
I'm going that way.
I'm just going to go apply for jury duty.
That's all.
Let me out.
I have to leave my house just to make phone calls now.
You can't...
No one really wants to talk to you on the phone
when you've got kids running around.
Every business call I try to make, I screw up eventually.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
The 15th is fine.
I just need to know where do you think you're going with that cookie?
Put the cookie down.
Not you.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.
I...
Oh, I didn't know you were eating a cookie.
Take it easy.
Click.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Wow.
The hardest...
I'll tell you, the hardest thing to do now
is to try to sit down and write jokes
because all I do is try to make them laugh all day.
That's what happens when you're a parent.
You're a comedian for them.
I can make them laugh.
I can make an infant laugh in a second.
I'll tell you, I'm losing my perspective on adult humor.
I wrote one new joke since my twins were born.
Here.
Is this funny?
What do you think it is?
Hi.
Hi, everybody.
All right.
Thank God.
I'm glad.
I'm glad you laughed.
If you didn't laugh at that,
I would have had to come and rub my nose in your bellies.
Yeah.
Oh.
Then forget it.
The show runs late.
Identical twins.
I'm glad they're identical
because you save money on photographs.
That's what I like.
Yeah.
That's what I like.
There's my little boy
and I got another one just like it.
I don't have another picture.
People think...
People always see identical twins
and they think they're cute.
Let's face it.
Some babies aren't cute.
But if you have two that look alike,
that's cute to everybody.
I'll tell you what frightens me.
That isn't going to apply when they become adults.
Really, I hope they're handsome as adults
because even if they're slightly ugly,
that's going to be magnified.
That's going to...
It will.
You know, if you see one slightly ugly man
walk across the room,
that's no big deal.
But if you see the same ugliness right behind him,
yeah, that you're going to notice.
You will notice that.
And a three-year-old daughter.
Let's not forget her.
Yeah, that's the age to be three.
I'll tell you.
I always thought if I could go back in time,
I'd want to be a teenager.
I'd go right to three.
You don't get happier.
You can't get happier than three.
I watched my daughter.
It's incredible.
The other day,
she's staring out the car window
for 15 minutes
just smiling at nothing.
Yeah.
Oh, I can't get over it.
Finally, I turn.
Alexandra, what are you thinking of?
Candy.
Candy.
Yeah, well, think of...
When was the last time
you could daydream about candy, folks?
Try that.
Try it as an adult.
You can't.
Give it a shot one time
as an adult.
You won't get far.
Oh, candy.
Candy.
Cavities.
Oh.
Dentist.
No money.
Who am I?
Why am I here?
Am I gay?
Thank you.
Hey, Ray.
Nice meeting you.
Great money.
Great job.
Ray Romano, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah, be right back.
How are you?
Ray, that was very funny.
Thank you.
Very, very impressive.
Very nice.
I hope you can come back frequently.
We certainly enjoyed that.
Tell me a little bit more about your daughter.
What was her reaction when the twins came along?
She gets along fine with them.
Yeah.
She's crazy.
See, that's another privilege of being three.
You can be crazy.
Oh, sure.
It's expected.
Yeah.
The other day, she came in
and she named her toes for us.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, she had a name for...
Oh, that's Judy.
That's Karen.
Yes.
That's adorable.
Yeah, but if Grandpa does that,
it's a tragedy all of a sudden.
Yeah.
Ray will be in Atlantic City
this current week right now?
Starting tomorrow.
I'm sure it'll be a great engagement.
Nice to meet you, Ray.
Great job.
Thanks for being here.
We'll be right back, folks.
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
I need to apologize to Tara Fitzgerald.
I'm terribly, terribly sorry.
We've run out of time.
We will reschedule her for a visit
at her earliest possible convenience.
Thank you very much for watching.
Good night, everybody.
Thank you.
You got that right.
Thank you very much, Will.
Oh, boy.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our first guest tonight
has been such a great friend
to the program,
and what a funny guy,
and has been entertaining
American audiences
for a long, long time now.
Actor, comedian,
ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
the always entertaining
Ray Romano.
Ray...
same way, same way, same way.
Same way, same way, same way.
That's great.
That's right.
That's right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
How you doing, Ray?
You know what?
Oh, boy.
I'm good.
I'm good.
Let me just say thank you
for everything in general.
Oh, God.
But then you were nice enough
to host the primetime
and a CBS show
all about the late show.
It was an honor.
Well, no, it was an honor
for me to have you involved
in that project.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
I owe you a lot.
Nicely done.
Thank you.
You owe me nothing.
You look...
I mean, you look good.
You look like...
Oh, I got a thing going here.
Yeah, sorry.
With the beard.
What's that?
Sorry.
All right, we're filming a thing.
We're doing a thing.
We're filming something.
We're doing a thing
about a guy who...
He used to have a sitcom
and just doesn't care anymore.
You'll get this.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to that.
Do you mind if I check in
with your family?
Because I know I'm getting
stunned about the ages
because, as we all know,
time blows, blisters right on by.
My youngest is 16.
I have four kids.
The oldest is 24,
and I have twin 22-year-olds.
And, yeah, they're big.
The youngest is on
varsity basketball now
in his high school.
Congratulations.
Well, he's not good.
He's...
He's good.
He's fine.
Keep it to yourself.
He's fine.
No, listen.
He doesn't start,
but it's cool
that he's on the team.
Yeah.
No, but he's going to get better.
He's only a junior.
He's...
Actually, on the team
is a kid
who is going to go pro.
He's playing UCLA next year.
He's a senior.
His brother...
He has two brothers
who are in the pros right now.
His kid's name is Aaron,
and he's the real deal.
And he...
The other day,
they were practicing,
and he bit my son.
Yeah, it was an accident.
And my wife got mad at me.
The trainer called our house,
and he goes,
listen, Aaron and Joe
were going up for a thing,
and Aaron's teeth went into...
It can happen.
Yes.
And my wife was right away,
oh, I hope he doesn't need stitches.
And, you know,
all I could think was,
you know,
maybe this is like
a Spider-Man bite,
you know?
I mean, maybe...
Maybe Joe can dunk.
It happened.
My wife's like,
that's a stupid...
Don't even ever repeat that.
It happened to Tobey Maguire.
But he's a big kid now,
and he drives.
How old is Harry?
He's 11,
and he drives.
Yeah.
You know,
it's a joke,
but when even 16 is too young,
I don't know why.
Oh, exactly.
Yep, you're right.
Who's in Congress?
Somebody should do something.
Yeah.
Because I watch him,
and he does video games,
and here's the thing.
He's too cool to drive.
The other day,
he's had his license for four months.
He calls me up,
and it's exactly how he sounded.
He goes,
Yeah, Dad,
ran out of gas.
Yeah, just that casual,
ran out of gas.
So I'm like,
oh, come on, Joe.
I'm like,
well, where are you?
He goes,
I'm on the 101.
The 101 is a five-lane,
it's like the LIE.
Yeah.
And he's just smooth as silk.
I'm on the 101.
So I'm assuming he's fine.
So I'm like,
well, what are you,
on the side?
Ah, nah, middle lane.
What?
Yes.
Middle lane of the 101.
I'm pissed.
I'm pissed off because
he's la-de-dying the whole thing.
And then I swear,
this was the exchange.
Well,
what's the traffic like?
Well, behind me it's bad,
but it's moving in front of me.
I'm going to kick your ass, Joe.
I'm going to kick your ass.
And my wife,
my wife tries to,
like always,
she tries to put a good spin on it.
She's like,
you know,
maybe he's zen.
Maybe he's,
maybe he doesn't panic
like an astronaut.
Maybe he'll be an astronaut.
And I'm like,
I don't want to burst your bubble,
but if he can't interpret
the gas gauge on a Mazda,
he's going to have trouble
in the space shuttle.
He, yeah,
he ain't going to be,
he ain't going to be,
you know,
something's going to happen.
He's going to be watching
his pee float.
That's what's going to happen.
He ain't going to be an astronaut
unless an astronaut bites him.
That's what's going to happen.
Like an astronaut bites him.
Yeah.
Like Tobey Maguire.
There is nothing more infuriating
than being stuck in traffic
for 45 minutes
for unknown reasons,
and then you get up there
and you realize
it's somebody
has stopped their car
in the middle lane.
Inconveniencing
tens of thousands.
Well, he said this,
I should incorporate this
into the story,
but this is
100% true.
He actually said
these people
should be thanking me,
the people behind me,
because I'm clearing up
the traffic in front for him.
I'm honest to God,
I swear.
That's...
Solve the L.A. traffic congestion.
Yes.
Just periodically park.
That's not...
Oh, man.
That's not an astronaut's
way of thinking.
No, that's an astronaut, yeah.
We'll be right back
with Ray Romano.
Oh, my God.
I don't know, ladies and gentlemen.
So good to see you, Ray.
I see you have
what appears to be
some sort of a visual aid.
Yeah, I do.
I'm a little emotional.
This is my last night here.
By the way,
if I get emotional,
just punch me.
Just punch me or something,
because I don't want to do this.
But it is emotional for me.
This is a big night for me,
and I don't think
most of the audience knows.
The majority of the public
doesn't know
what this show
has meant to me.
So I just want to say
real quick
what happened.
20 years ago
was my first spot.
I did stand-up right there.
And I was doing stand-up
for 11 years,
had three little kids,
struggling,
not really,
nobody's offered me anything,
this and that.
Came here,
did a spot.
The following week,
World Wide Pants,
Dave Letterman,
your people,
call me up,
say Dave liked what he saw,
he wants to try
to develop a sitcom for you,
and that sitcom
became Everybody Loves Raymond.
Yeah.
Very kind of you.
You're flattering me here
unnecessarily.
What do you mean?
The credit is all yours,
my friend.
But it's all true.
I'm not here
if that doesn't happen.
See,
this is what I mean
about you.
You're like me,
you just,
you don't think
anything you do
is worth anything,
and I want to prove to you.
Well,
there's a point to this.
I want to prove to you
how wrong you are.
I want to do like,
I want to go George Bailey
on you.
You know,
like,
It's a Wonderful Life.
Not where I want to show
what the world would have been
had you not existed.
I have pictures.
I want to show you
what my world became
because you existed.
Okay?
So here we go.
Here we go.
Well,
this is 1995.
This is before I came
on the show,
right there.
That's my family then.
Can you see?
Three kids.
Yeah,
two little twins.
I got my daughter
and my wife,
Anna.
That's 20 years ago.
Okay.
Yeah.
And we're relatively happy there.
Yeah.
And now,
but now this is my family
now 20 years later.
This is 20 years later.
Yeah,
we got a big family.
They're all big.
But.
Doggies.
Yeah,
three dogs.
Three dogs.
So here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
This is Joe.
That's my youngest.
He,
he doesn't exist
if you don't do
what you do for me
because we weren't
going to have another kid
20 years ago.
We,
well,
first,
we couldn't afford it
and to be honest,
if I didn't get at a TV show,
my wife wasn't going
to have sex with me again.
I'll tell you right now.
Yeah,
I knew that.
I knew that.
She was done.
11 years.
She was over it.
And these three dogs,
I don't have dogs.
If you,
I can't afford dogs.
I don't have a big enough house.
I got three dogs.
And by the way,
they're all rescue dogs.
So if it's not for you,
yes,
sure.
But,
if,
if,
if not for Dave,
dead,
dead,
dead.
Right there.
Yes.
They're,
they're not here.
You give,
that's the thing.
You give life.
You don't just give,
you give life.
Fine.
And,
and it trickles down.
It's not my family.
Do you know how much money
my agent made
from everybody else.
Raymond?
I think we need to.
No,
seriously,
my agent decided
to have more kids
after everybody else.
If not for you,
Seth is not alive.
Seth Abramowitz
is not alive.
This is my agent's kid.
He,
and let me tell you something.
There's,
he's going to go,
this kid's going to med school.
We all know he's going to med school.
He's going to find a cure for stuff.
And it's cause of you,
20 years from now,
if,
if there's no foot fungus,
it's because of David Letterman right here.
Wow.
Okay.
This is exciting.
Yeah.
Now,
but more important
is the stuff I got to do.
You know,
I,
I hosted SNL
because,
because of this.
I got to meet presidents
because of this.
And I got to do this.
This is the coolest thing.
I got to do this
for nine years.
I got to,
I got to make out
with Patty Heaton
for nine years.
Yeah.
Wow.
He's lovely.
I'm a married man.
I'm a married man.
You don't do this
without a price.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So for nine years,
I got to do it.
It didn't stop there.
I got Lauren Graham.
Had to,
no,
wait,
wait,
who's that?
Wait,
here we go.
Lauren Graham had to kiss me
on Parenthood.
She had to kiss you.
Yeah.
She,
I love you.
I love you for that.
She hates you.
She doesn't like you,
by the way,
because of this.
She had a rough time.
We actually had to put
peanut butter on my lips
to get her to kiss me.
And if you,
come on,
if you,
if you ever want evidence
of how much,
of how valuable,
valuable you've been to me,
Sofia Vergara.
Oh my goodness.
Sofia Vergara.
And did I kiss her?
You're damn right
I kissed her.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay.
And this,
I don't know,
I might as well show you
all the action I got,
no matter what it was.
This was like a wrap party
that got away from us.
That's,
that's me and Doris Roberts.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But that's because of you.
Oh my God.
Now,
I just,
I will say,
it hasn't all been,
you know,
there is a downside.
Oh.
Well,
no,
I mean like,
because when,
you know,
when you have a TV show,
I know you experience this,
but a lot of people
want to hang out with you.
A lot of people
want to be your friend
and that's a good problem to have.
But,
I'm not like you.
I don't,
I can't say no
to people a lot.
And no matter how much you do,
you know,
people want to come,
hang in the green room,
go here,
do this.
And,
and,
and you just,
you just,
whatever it is,
you can't get rid of,
rid of those people.
You want to be polite.
And that's not a bad thing.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
Everywhere.
Look at that.
Everywhere I go.
Everywhere I go.
He follows you.
Everywhere.
I don't know if you know
what it's like traveling.
He's a nice fellow.
Traveling with your own giant.
I'm traveling with a giant.
Well,
I,
I,
it's very nice to hear you say those things.
But then again,
everybody loves Raymond.
And,
you are Raymond.
And,
that's why there was a show.
That's why there is everything you presented here tonight.
All I know is,
the biggest night of my life was here.
You know,
a couple of weeks ago,
you had John Mayer on singing American Pie.
And that was the coolest thing for me to see.
And I got emotional watching it just because,
first of all,
I grew up with that song.
It's nostalgic.
You know,
you reach a certain age,
anything that reminds you of your youth.
And then he was there.
You know,
I just saw him at that spot where,
where my life changed right there.
You know,
my family's life.
Ah,
son of a bitch,
it's happening.
Right.
You know,
yeah.
Punch me.
Come on.
Yeah.
And then also because of the lyrics.
Now,
just,
just bear with me.
You know,
he's singing the,
the,
the day,
the music died.
And for me,
this is going to sound corny,
but for me,
that's what's happening here.
For me,
on May 20th,
that is the day the comedy dies right here.
Yes.
I'm telling you.
As far as I'm concerned.
Ray,
Ray,
Ray.
Why don't you go over there one more time?
Just go on over there.
The spot?
Yeah,
right over there.
Ah,
too much.
Too much.
It's where it all happened,
right here.
God bless you,
Ray.
That was very touching.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Ray Romano,
folks.
We'll be right back
with Brian Regan,
everybody.
I lost money.
Come on.
Come on.

Tributes to David Letterman, Part 22 of 31: Ray Romano 1995, 2015

Thank you very much.
Thank you, Paul.
Let me mention who's on the program tomorrow.
Our old friend Billy Crystal will be joining us tomorrow.
Also, Mr. Sports, Marv Albert, and great rock and roll band Matthew Sweet will
be here tomorrow.
It's another wonderful program.
Our ladies and gentlemen, next guest is a very funny comedian making his first
appearance with us tonight.
He can also be seen all this week at the Comedy Stop at the Trop in Atlantic
City.
Do me a favor now.
Please, a nice welcome for Ray Romano.
Ray!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, thank you.
Wow.
Thank you again.
Wow, you're too good almost.
Good.
I'm glad.
It's great to be back here in my hometown, New York.
I've been traveling, and the crowds aren't as good.
I was in...
Actually, I was in Montreal, Canada last week.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Beautiful city.
I learned some French there.
They're all bilingual.
That's what amazed me in Montreal.
I went into a Burger King.
The Burger King employees are required to be bilingual.
Just think about that for a second, folks.
Have you been to Burger King in New York?
Yeah.
They're not even lingual here.
It's a little different in New York.
You have to kind of draw your food here.
Hamburger.
I'd like a hamburger.
Hamburger.
I have to go.
I'm going to go.
Take it out.
Here, I'll put little feet on my hamburger.
They're...
They're bilingual.
I go there quite often, to Burger King's, McDonald's.
I have children.
I have to take them somewhere.
I have, uh...
Yeah.
I have a three-year-old daughter and twin two-year-old boys.
Wow.
Thank you.
Single people are here.
Single people are like,
Hey, twins!
Parents.
Oh, that could have been us.
Oh, my God.
I'll tell you.
You know, it doesn't matter if you laugh or not.
I'm just happy to be out of the house right now.
I'll be honest with you.
I will be honest.
You know, it's horrible.
I make little excuses now just to get out of my house for a few minutes.
I'll do anything.
Anybody need anything?
Anything at all?
Anything?
Anything from the Motor Vehicle Bureau?
How about that?
Can I register?
Something.
It's on my way.
I'm going that way.
I'm just going to go apply for jury duty.
That's all.
Let me out.
I have to leave my house just to make phone calls now.
You can't...
No one really wants to talk to you on the phone
when you've got kids running around.
Every business call I try to make, I screw up eventually.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
The 15th is fine.
I just need to know where do you think you're going with that cookie?
Put the cookie down.
Not you.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.
I...
Oh, I didn't know you were eating a cookie.
Take it easy.
Click.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Wow.
The hardest...
I'll tell you, the hardest thing to do now
is to try to sit down and write jokes
because all I do is try to make them laugh all day.
That's what happens when you're a parent.
You're a comedian for them.
I can make them laugh.
I can make an infant laugh in a second.
I'll tell you, I'm losing my perspective on adult humor.
I wrote one new joke since my twins were born.
Here.
Is this funny?
What do you think it is?
Hi.
Hi, everybody.
All right.
Thank God.
I'm glad.
I'm glad you laughed.
If you didn't laugh at that,
I would have had to come and rub my nose in your bellies.
Yeah.
Oh.
Then forget it.
The show runs late.
Identical twins.
I'm glad they're identical
because you save money on photographs.
That's what I like.
Yeah.
That's what I like.
There's my little boy
and I got another one just like it.
I don't have another picture.
People think...
People always see identical twins
and they think they're cute.
Let's face it.
Some babies aren't cute.
But if you have two that look alike,
that's cute to everybody.
I'll tell you what frightens me.
That isn't going to apply when they become adults.
Really, I hope they're handsome as adults
because even if they're slightly ugly,
that's going to be magnified.
That's going to...
It will.
You know, if you see one slightly ugly man
walk across the room,
that's no big deal.
But if you see the same ugliness right behind him,
yeah, that you're going to notice.
You will notice that.
And a three-year-old daughter.
Let's not forget her.
Yeah, that's the age to be three.
I'll tell you.
I always thought if I could go back in time,
I'd want to be a teenager.
I'd go right to three.
You don't get happier.
You can't get happier than three.
I watched my daughter.
It's incredible.
The other day,
she's staring out the car window
for 15 minutes
just smiling at nothing.
Yeah.
Oh, I can't get over it.
Finally, I turn.
Alexandra, what are you thinking of?
Candy.
Candy.
Yeah, well, think of...
When was the last time
you could daydream about candy, folks?
Try that.
Try it as an adult.
You can't.
Give it a shot one time
as an adult.
You won't get far.
Oh, candy.
Candy.
Cavities.
Oh.
Dentist.
No money.
Who am I?
Why am I here?
Am I gay?
Thank you.
Hey, Ray.
Nice meeting you.
Great money.
Great job.
Ray Romano, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah, be right back.
How are you?
Ray, that was very funny.
Thank you.
Very, very impressive.
Very nice.
I hope you can come back frequently.
We certainly enjoyed that.
Tell me a little bit more about your daughter.
What was her reaction when the twins came along?
She gets along fine with them.
Yeah.
She's crazy.
See, that's another privilege of being three.
You can be crazy.
Oh, sure.
It's expected.
Yeah.
The other day, she came in
and she named her toes for us.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, she had a name for...
Oh, that's Judy.
That's Karen.
Yes.
That's adorable.
Yeah, but if Grandpa does that,
it's a tragedy all of a sudden.
Yeah.
Ray will be in Atlantic City
this current week right now?
Starting tomorrow.
I'm sure it'll be a great engagement.
Nice to meet you, Ray.
Great job.
Thanks for being here.
We'll be right back, folks.
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
I need to apologize to Tara Fitzgerald.
I'm terribly, terribly sorry.
We've run out of time.
We will reschedule her for a visit
at her earliest possible convenience.
Thank you very much for watching.
Good night, everybody.
Thank you.
You got that right.
Thank you very much, Will.
Oh, boy.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our first guest tonight
has been such a great friend
to the program,
and what a funny guy,
and has been entertaining
American audiences
for a long, long time now.
Actor, comedian,
ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
the always entertaining
Ray Romano.
Ray...
same way, same way, same way.
Same way, same way, same way.
That's great.
That's right.
That's right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
How you doing, Ray?
You know what?
Oh, boy.
I'm good.
I'm good.
Let me just say thank you
for everything in general.
Oh, God.
But then you were nice enough
to host the primetime
and a CBS show
all about the late show.
It was an honor.
Well, no, it was an honor
for me to have you involved
in that project.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
I owe you a lot.
Nicely done.
Thank you.
You owe me nothing.
You look...
I mean, you look good.
You look like...
Oh, I got a thing going here.
Yeah, sorry.
With the beard.
What's that?
Sorry.
All right, we're filming a thing.
We're doing a thing.
We're filming something.
We're doing a thing
about a guy who...
He used to have a sitcom
and just doesn't care anymore.
You'll get this.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to that.
Do you mind if I check in
with your family?
Because I know I'm getting
stunned about the ages
because, as we all know,
time blows, blisters right on by.
My youngest is 16.
I have four kids.
The oldest is 24,
and I have twin 22-year-olds.
And, yeah, they're big.
The youngest is on
varsity basketball now
in his high school.
Congratulations.
Well, he's not good.
He's...
He's good.
He's fine.
Keep it to yourself.
He's fine.
No, listen.
He doesn't start,
but it's cool
that he's on the team.
Yeah.
No, but he's going to get better.
He's only a junior.
He's...
Actually, on the team
is a kid
who is going to go pro.
He's playing UCLA next year.
He's a senior.
His brother...
He has two brothers
who are in the pros right now.
His kid's name is Aaron,
and he's the real deal.
And he...
The other day,
they were practicing,
and he bit my son.
Yeah, it was an accident.
And my wife got mad at me.
The trainer called our house,
and he goes,
listen, Aaron and Joe
were going up for a thing,
and Aaron's teeth went into...
It can happen.
Yes.
And my wife was right away,
oh, I hope he doesn't need stitches.
And, you know,
all I could think was,
you know,
maybe this is like
a Spider-Man bite,
you know?
I mean, maybe...
Maybe Joe can dunk.
It happened.
My wife's like,
that's a stupid...
Don't even ever repeat that.
It happened to Tobey Maguire.
But he's a big kid now,
and he drives.
How old is Harry?
He's 11,
and he drives.
Yeah.
You know,
it's a joke,
but when even 16 is too young,
I don't know why.
Oh, exactly.
Yep, you're right.
Who's in Congress?
Somebody should do something.
Yeah.
Because I watch him,
and he does video games,
and here's the thing.
He's too cool to drive.
The other day,
he's had his license for four months.
He calls me up,
and it's exactly how he sounded.
He goes,
Yeah, Dad,
ran out of gas.
Yeah, just that casual,
ran out of gas.
So I'm like,
oh, come on, Joe.
I'm like,
well, where are you?
He goes,
I'm on the 101.
The 101 is a five-lane,
it's like the LIE.
Yeah.
And he's just smooth as silk.
I'm on the 101.
So I'm assuming he's fine.
So I'm like,
well, what are you,
on the side?
Ah, nah, middle lane.
What?
Yes.
Middle lane of the 101.
I'm pissed.
I'm pissed off because
he's la-de-dying the whole thing.
And then I swear,
this was the exchange.
Well,
what's the traffic like?
Well, behind me it's bad,
but it's moving in front of me.
I'm going to kick your ass, Joe.
I'm going to kick your ass.
And my wife,
my wife tries to,
like always,
she tries to put a good spin on it.
She's like,
you know,
maybe he's zen.
Maybe he's,
maybe he doesn't panic
like an astronaut.
Maybe he'll be an astronaut.
And I'm like,
I don't want to burst your bubble,
but if he can't interpret
the gas gauge on a Mazda,
he's going to have trouble
in the space shuttle.
He, yeah,
he ain't going to be,
he ain't going to be,
you know,
something's going to happen.
He's going to be watching
his pee float.
That's what's going to happen.
He ain't going to be an astronaut
unless an astronaut bites him.
That's what's going to happen.
Like an astronaut bites him.
Yeah.
Like Tobey Maguire.
There is nothing more infuriating
than being stuck in traffic
for 45 minutes
for unknown reasons,
and then you get up there
and you realize
it's somebody
has stopped their car
in the middle lane.
Inconveniencing
tens of thousands.
Well, he said this,
I should incorporate this
into the story,
but this is
100% true.
He actually said
these people
should be thanking me,
the people behind me,
because I'm clearing up
the traffic in front for him.
I'm honest to God,
I swear.
That's...
Solve the L.A. traffic congestion.
Yes.
Just periodically park.
That's not...
Oh, man.
That's not an astronaut's
way of thinking.
No, that's an astronaut, yeah.
We'll be right back
with Ray Romano.
Oh, my God.
I don't know, ladies and gentlemen.
So good to see you, Ray.
I see you have
what appears to be
some sort of a visual aid.
Yeah, I do.
I'm a little emotional.
This is my last night here.
By the way,
if I get emotional,
just punch me.
Just punch me or something,
because I don't want to do this.
But it is emotional for me.
This is a big night for me,
and I don't think
most of the audience knows.
The majority of the public
doesn't know
what this show
has meant to me.
So I just want to say
real quick
what happened.
20 years ago
was my first spot.
I did stand-up right there.
And I was doing stand-up
for 11 years,
had three little kids,
struggling,
not really,
nobody's offered me anything,
this and that.
Came here,
did a spot.
The following week,
World Wide Pants,
Dave Letterman,
your people,
call me up,
say Dave liked what he saw,
he wants to try
to develop a sitcom for you,
and that sitcom
became Everybody Loves Raymond.
Yeah.
V