Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, June 12, 1987
Uploaded: 2020-04-22T20:58:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, June 12, 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, June 12, 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-22. Transcript available.

Now, let me remind you of something, not just another show, ladies and
gentlemen, it's the
Friday edition.
Here's our good friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer, kids.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
I like New York in June.
All right, Paul, how are you doing?
How about you?
Nice to see you.
I dig a Kenny G tune.
How about you?
David Sanborn is here.
Speaking of Kenny G, David Sanborn is here with us again.
I'm doing great.
I'm thrilled to be working on Fridays.
We have a great show.
Yes, we do.
Exciting show.
Viewer Mail Night.
By the way, Viewer Mail has been changed from...
It used to be on Thursday now, but of course, since we're on Friday, it's now
being taken
care of on Friday.
Yeah.
And we think it'll be even better for that extra day of preparation.
And then the Today Show, the Today Show starts their Sunday program, I think
sometime in September.
And I think that's really good logic because, you know, the Today Show comes on
at 7 to 9, I guess, during the week.
And a lot of people, because they have to get to work early, are not going to
be able to see the Today Show Monday through Friday.
So now, those folks get a chance on Sunday to get up at like 6.30.
On their day off, get up at 6.30 and...
Singing a lot.
Yep.
Yep.
Okay, here we go.
Let's get to the top ten list.
First, let me check this.
Make sure this is working properly.
You just can't be too careful.
You have to check your hydraulic system.
From the home office, top ten, tonight's category, top ten rejected names for
the Spinks-Cooney fight.
That's coming up Monday in Atlantic City, and I believe the name for this
particular fight is War at the Shore.
War at the Shore, Cooney and Spinks.
And tonight we have ten rejected possibilities for the Spinks-Cooney fight name.
Here we go, number ten.
The duel by the hotel pool.
Number nine, the riot near the downtown Hyatt.
Number eight, more than a stern talk by the boardwalk.
Number seven, the pitched battle on the opposite shore from Seattle.
Number six, the only fight on closed circuit tonight.
Number five, gateway to being clobbered by Mike Tyson.
Number four, sissy boy slap party.
Number three, number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
Number two, Spinks-Cooney, we're Beatrice.
Number one, the number one rejected name for the Spinks-Cooney fight, two
sweaty males spitting in pails.
Number two, Spinks-Cooney, we're Beatrice.
Number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
Number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
Number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
Number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
Number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
Number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
Number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
Number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
Number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
Number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
Number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
Number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
Number three, showdown in a half-empty arena.
All right, and if you've tuned in to see the Friday night radio dance party
record countdown
that's normally on this time of night and it's not on now, don't write to me to
complain.
It wasn't my idea.
It's on after this show now, right?
Yeah, way, way late it comes on.
So, and I think the audience for that show is like 11 and 12-year-old kids.
So kids drink a lot of coffee.
Have mom make you some really strong black coffee.
And then you'll be able to stay up to see your little record dance party video
countdown show there.
That's what you do.
But don't, don't complain to me.
I don't want a lot of letters whining about the show not being on in its normal
time.
All right, we're here.
Get used to it, all right?
Thank you.
It's been on five years and nobody's used to it yet.
Okay, here we go.
Viewer mail.
Let's begin.
Number one.
Dear Dave, on a recent visit to New York City, we were in the 30 Rockefeller
Plaza building
and tried to sneak up some back stairs to get a glimpse of your studios.
When we reached the seventh floor, we saw that there was an NBC security desk
and went back down before anyone saw us.
What would have happened to us if we had been caught by an NBC security officer?
This comes to us, your friends Temple Brown and Scott Crosby, Alexandria,
Virginia.
What happens to people who are caught by NBC security?
Well, where do you think they get the audience for the Donahue show?
I nearly laughed myself silly on that one.
All right.
Did you see that Connie Chung special a couple of weeks ago?
She did a special on fat people, Connie Chung.
Did you see it?
Pretty good show, wasn't it?
Yeah.
Very nice.
Very nice.
Letter number two.
What?
Do you like the show then?
I like the show and it's interesting that she would do a show about fat people
because
herself, she's not heavy at all.
She's not.
She's petite, yeah.
But I think she's married to a fat guy.
I think her husband is like 340.
Honestly, yeah.
I'm married to a fat guy.
That's a coincidence.
Paul, we have to keep those 11 and 12 year old kids awake so they can see their
little...
Letter number two.
Dear Dave, I would love to meet Molly Ringwald.
What do I do?
Robert Chin, University of Arizona, Tucson, Arizona.
Well, you know, I think it might be a lot easier than you think, Robert,
according to
this issue of Life Magazine right here.
Oh yeah, there it is.
There's Molly's lovely face on the cover.
And of course, as you can see, the article inside says, Molly Ringwald, why I'm
fascinated
by college geeks who hang around my apartment, so...
But I always thought that fat people were fat because they overate.
But there are many reasons why a fat person is fat.
Often it could be a glandular problem.
Could be glandular, and many are born that way.
Born that way?
Where they're actually born fat.
Like it's not uncommon to have an 80 or 90 pound infant.
Is that true?
No, but I feel badly now because in the past sometimes my attitude toward fat
people was
just stop eating, you'll lose the weight.
But that's not true.
They have a lot of problems.
So no more smart remarks, alright?
Eh, that brought things to a screeching halt, didn't it?
But I have the fat people on my side now, and that's...
Well, maybe.
You hate fat people.
Huh?
You hate fat people.
I don't...
I don't hate fat people.
I don't hate fat people.
I...
No, I don't.
I like fat people.
It's not that I like fat people.
I like all people.
I'm having a crazy love affair with the whole human race.
That's true.
And I'm not really married to a fat man either.
I think only when you're as confident as I am with one's masculinity can you do...
Can you do a lie like this?
There go the 11 and 12 year olds we're trying to hang on to.
Living over.
Coffee, mom.
Get him some coffee.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave, does Paul serve any particular function on the show?
Forget it, don't even bother.
Just wondering, Jay Jacobs, Hudson, Ohio.
Well, I guess, Jay, you're being facetious here.
He's not only our band leader, Paul, but he's the staff counselor, our handyman
and spiritual advisor.
And that's about it, isn't it, Paul?
You do all of those things?
Anything else?
Yeah, that's it.
No, there's one function that I really never should have tried to serve.
Well, what is that?
Staff barber.
That does it.
No, there's only so much I can stand.
Now, wait a minute.
Now, Paul, look.
Paul, see what you've done.
You've upset Sid.
Aw.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Don't worry.
I can handle it.
Oh, Sid, Sid.
What?
Lemonade, Sid.
Aw.
Yeah.
Come back.
Sure.
Good.
Yeah.
I think maybe I'm going to need some coffee.
Dear Dave, I like the New York Yankees, the New York Giants, and Phil Donahue
better than you.
Alyssa Ballott, New York, New York.
Wow.
Gee, God.
Gee.
I would be number one with Alyssa Ballott if these others were to meet with,
well, shall we say, some kind of bad luck?
I'm sorry, Paul.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I just dozed off there.
Yeah.
You did.
Yeah.
I was sound asleep.
Honest to God.
Yeah.
What?
Did I miss anything?
Nothing.
Just a bunch of phony newspaper headlines.
Oh, okay.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Okay, letter number five.
Dear Dave, I was in a restaurant the other night and saw a very well-dressed
man with a beautiful blonde.
Could it have been Paul?
Eager to know.
Don Sherman, Redondo Beach, California.
Gee, I don't know, Don.
Paul, were you in a restaurant the other night with a beautiful blonde?
Well, I was in a restaurant, but I'm a little concerned about Don Sherman's
description of my dinner companion.
If I remember correctly, it was after the show one night, and actually, the
more I look at it, the more I like it.
So that was probably the evening that Don Sherman was.
Yeah.
Well, there you go.
A beautiful blonde.
Don Sherman thinks you're a beautiful blonde, Sid.
You're beautiful, baby.
You're beautiful.
Anton.
Anton.
Knock it off, Anton.
Don't worry, Sid.
It'll grow in in a little while.
Hey.
Don't worry.
How about...
How about a little fudge with that lemonade?
Yes, sir.
Okay, kids.
Welcome to Friday night.
Yes.
Uh, we got to pause here.
We'll be right back with Stupid Petricks, Brian Adams.