Name: Warren Beatty Collection on Letterman, 1985-1998
Uploaded: 2020-05-25T17:07:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Warren Beatty Collection on Letterman, 1985-1998' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Warren Beatty Collection on Letterman, 1985-1998' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-25. Transcript available.

Warren Beatty Collection on Letterman, 1985-1998

and i do what oh oh yeah hi paul nice to see you david thanks for being here
sir so nice to see you
yeah yeah now people are moving funny things in front of giant props you know
you know this is
going to be funny because of the size of these props yeah we wouldn't do this
if it weren't
funny i mean you can't build something this big if it's not going to be
unbelievably funny
we even have balloons tonight so you know this one is going to your sides will
be sore from laughing
so hard uh-huh all right are we all set yeah all right hit it you know modern
technology and free
enterprise have given us a lot of more than hi uh the i've given us uh thank
you thank you very much
i know you're saying to yourselves now is this guy still on
let me try one more time here modern technology and free enterprise have given
us a lot more than the
highest standard of living in the world that's right they've given us a lot of
useless crap that
cost much too much money so tonight we're going to take a look at some of these
lovely new gift items
available on the market now this is quite nice this is a beautifully crafted
collector's item sure to
please history buffs and gossip mongers alike it's the elizabeth taylor's ex-husbands
versus warren beatty's ex-girlfriend's chess set
a new piece arrives by mail every month what better way to say i have no taste
whatsoever
thank you very much
tomorrow on the program actor tom poston will be here from the bob newhart show
and a tower of power
horns tower of power horns yes with our band unbelievably great pretty exciting
that'll be
very excited and also tomorrow i'll be telling the hoover dam story yes indeed
tell a little just
tell another story now well i can't i know i can't no so because we're we're
running out of time and we
may not even get to the baseball guys and then you'd be disappointed you'd go
home unfulfilled wouldn't
you but but at least at least you'll be going home uh so that's tomorrow uh you
know on may 15th the
long-anticipated and highly controversial motion picture ishtar opens across
the country it's a
multi-million dollar epic starring dustin hoffman and a warren beatty and maybe
sylvester stallone
we're not sure but we have tried and tried and tried for a very long time to
get these two
gentlemen on our show dustin hoffman and warren beatty but so far we have been
unsuccessful now if
they ever did decide to appear on this program we think it might look something
like this take a look
there's what it might look like there there's warren beatty and of course right
next to me is dustin
hoffman uh even though we couldn't get these two superstars on the program we
we hated like sin
to waste all the hard work and research that we've done preparing for their
possible appearance so here
tonight to tell us about ishtar and warren beatty and dustin hoffman late night
staff researchers
laurie guthrie and rob burnett kids come on out will you
rob nice to see you nice to have you here now uh what exactly do you guys do to
prepare for an
interview when we find out somebody like dustin hoffman or warren beatty will
be on the show
well we we pour over newspaper uh newspapers magazine articles books videotapes
trying to learn everything
possible about the subject that's right you you leave no stone unturned no uh
for example tell us
what you found out and i see you have the warren beatty file and you have the
dustin hoffman yeah
give us some interesting facts there that people probably the average motion
picture attender goer
viewer would not know about warren beatty well for example warren beatty was
president of his 1955
high school class yeah didn't know that um where did where did he go to school
in virginia virginia all
right yeah and uh he a soup soon a soup spoon he used at the carnegie deli was
sold for fifteen
dollars is that right yeah just because a man of his magnitude had used it sold
for fifteen bucks
you don't know what kind of soup he was eating i'm not sure what kind of soup i
could get that but
again this is the kind of thing he probably would have told us had he been here
right all right what
else uh well he turned down no less than ten college athletic scholarships so
he was a pretty good
athlete he was a fine athlete yeah ten different no less than ten no less than
ten uh all right what do
you uh laurie what do you have for us about uh dustin hoffman well he studied
the piano for ten years
he turned down kramer versus kramer three times gee i didn't realize that so
they they the two of them
have something in common they'll turn things down over and over and over again
and he likes the donahue
show people's court and programs featuring medical operations and then what
would those programs be that
feature medical operations i don't know i don't know it yeah probably so all
right uh now where uh you've
certainly done your homework uh and and it's a lot of fun chatting about the
two gentlemen do let's
talk about the movie do we do we have any footage of ishtar any well no we don't
uh the film hasn't
opened yet but we do have some footage of morocco morocco ishtar ishtar was
filmed in morocco so we
have footage of morocco all right let's take a look oh there it is where they
they film dishtar wow
babes on a camel uh that's pretty neat now uh is is that what the movie is
going to be like what we
saw there uh well there's really no way to tell uh what we do know is that morocco's
official language
is arabic and uh that most of the people there are muslim huh all right um do
you have any any
footage of the two stars warren or dustin well warren beatys from richmond
virginia and we have some
footage of richmond okay good enough let's take a look at the footage of richmond
there it is warren
beatys hometown tobacco is a big crop down there and there's the tobacco leaves
there from yeah all right
good and and uh what about uh dustin hoffman do we have any uh footage of him
well we found a really
fascinating clip it's an old educational film made for classroom use this is
from 1950 or so when
dustin hoffman was a teenager it's a movie called shy guy oh great shy guy is
the film and here's
dustin hoffman as a teenager here i'm different from the guys in this town that's
what makes people
interesting me i don't you know that that uh it looked like it might have been
dick york
dick york is a teenager not dustin hoffman well yeah but dustin hoffman was a
teenager at the time
all right okay i'll give you that one uh any more clips here uh well we've got
one of our office
team playing softball oh great let's take a look at that this is our the late
night staff playing softball
oh there they are great oh my very nice excellent job well thank you very much
you know uh the movie opens
again uh on may 15th it's uh ishtar warren beatty and dustin hoffman and it was
eerie it was almost
like having those two guys right here tonight thanks for a great job rob nice
going all right nice to see
you again uh we get applause but we'll be right back
on the program tonight uh buckwheat zydeco with paul and the band we're hearing
a solo is that correct
all right and uh from the new motion picture starring robin williams as well fran
drescher will be out
here in a couple of moments tomorrow on the program i think another very
interesting show first of all
we have wendy wasserstein playwright wendy wasserstein yes uh we have uh poi
dog pondering that new young
the kids are getting off thank you sir for that vote of confidence and uh also
terry gar that will be
on the program there's nothing wrong with tonight's show boys and girls uh i
tell you what let's do now
just for the fun of it we haven't gotten to this all evening let's do our top
10 list tonight's category
uh from the home office in lebanon pennsylvania top 10 least popular crayola
crayon colors
listen to that have you ever heard such behavior
top 10 least popular crayola crayon colors here we go number 10
bruise purple number number nine exxon spilled black
number eight subway yellow is this wait a minute this is hold it a second what
is the matter
hold it a second hold it something's obviously wrong with the with the top 10
machine because
it's printing out different words that you're actually saying because i'm
reading something
and it's coming up differently on the screen all right let me go backstage and
see what's happening
excuse me what's going on over here well excuse me what are you doing uh excuse
oh my gosh look at
this ladies and gentlemen oh it's warren beaty warren what what the heck they
mean
come out here you found warren beaty here what a what a surprise to see you
here yeah oh i'm sorry
oh that's that's all right i just made a little list here you don't mind about
that no i don't
but i don't want to come on here come on out here and visit with the folks
you can sit right here in my chair go right over here come on
uh why don't you just finish the top ten list do you want to do that yeah sure
okay uh
uh boy i like this yeah it's fun isn't it yeah uh this is i mean i i could get
comfortable with this
yeah i know don't get too comfortable can i try something yeah do whatever you
like there
it's a beginner and he does it first time give me a rim shot hey very good very
good thank you very
powerful position isn't it yes it uh yes what do you have there um i have a
little top 10 uh pet peeves
of dick tracy let's see if you've brought your own list oh yeah top 10 pet peeves
dick tracy okay all
right here we go 10 10. two-way wrist radio keeps picking up larry king
nine waiting for mumbles to order in a french restaurant i can see where that
would be difficult
um eight wise guys who holler hey where's the batmobile yeah that's that's
really good
all right seven when mcgruff the crime dog borrows trench coat and sheds in it
although i get i guess it could be worse strictly speaking yeah a lot worse
yeah let me ask you a
question yeah never mind okay six still haven't figured out ending of twin
peaks yeah
five jack lord always bragging about weather in hawaii i didn't even get that
but it's funny though
isn't it i enjoy it four people can i throw a coffee cup do and do whatever you
like people who tell
off-color stories about j edgar hoover yeah that would irritate dick of course
three when prune face
kidds kids you about ish talk
two when fellow cops refer to wrist radio as bracelet well that's i can see
where that would be annoying
there we go all right number one
talk show hosts who pick on your sister yeah
you know there was um there was some oh i know i was i was going to ask you
tonight about last night's show oh last night show oh man what a night last
night
you know you had a story last night you couldn't tell last night that's right i
couldn't tell it
last night i can tell it to you tonight but i decided i'd rather not you're not
going to tell it
tonight no i'll tell you i'll tell you oh hey hey i don't know what's going on
but this is how it
started last night yeah uh we had this uh warren uh beaty on the program last
night surprise drop in
appearance so for like months and months the uh the talent department has been
intricately working out
a deal whereby he would come on and it would go back and forth there would be
one proposal would go
to his office his people and then another do you mind if i have a seat please
do please make yourself
at home in our living room so it was like at one time we had to call henry kissinger
and he did some
of the negotiation he finally put the deal together only he could bring people
upstairs working around
the clock and that two or three phones at one time finally everything's hammered
out warren great he
wants to come he can't wait to be here he's supposed to be here like right now
24 hours ago right now
right marty am i right warren uh... baby was supposed to be here he's not here
to be here tonight no no no
no you're confused 24 hours ago right now he would have been here right now 24
hours ago that's right
and he would come out and that's how