Name: Top Ten Lists Discussed by Gerard Mulligan & Steve Young, Spring 2015
Uploaded: 2020-05-27T02:39:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Top Ten Lists Discussed by Gerard Mulligan & Steve Young, Spring 2015' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Top Ten Lists Discussed by Gerard Mulligan & Steve Young, Spring 2015' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-27. Transcript available.

Is there anything else you want to say about the top 10s?
There was one thing I remember. I actually used to like writing top 10s because
they were just basically jokes, various kinds.
And there was one time a topic came up in a meeting and nobody liked it except
me and I think Rob Burnett.
And it was, "How the world would be different if everyone were named Phil."
And no, there was no interest. And so this never happened before or since.
We went home independently without phone calls, email, whatever.
Each made up a bunch of how the world would be different.
And it was all stuff like, "The name is Bond. Phil Bond."
Or, "Well, we don't want to have every Phil, Phil, and Phil here," that kind of
stuff.
And we had enough good ones that we actually did the list.
That was the only time that ever happened.
I tried not to do anything on the weekend or outside of the actual office.
I believe Rob Burnett actually dreamed a top 10 topic that did make it onto the
show.
It was pet peeves of McDonald's managers. Does that ring a bell?
No, but the one that you had in your notes I liked was the Keyboard Elves.
Oh, yeah. Back in the days when we were doing just sillier, weirder ones
and less reliance on what the news story of the day was,
"Keebler Elf Euphemisms for Death" was a fabulous one.
Very nice. That's a great one. Very nice.
I love that.
I can't remember most of them, but I do remember "On the Cooling Rack."
And see that, I would watch a show like that all day if that was still on.
The original ones were very silly. The first--
Ones that-- Words that almost rhyme with P's.
That was the very first one. The words that almost rhyme with P's.
Nurse. That was a stretch.
Yeah, that doesn't really--
No. Almost is a very flexible word, I suppose.
And we've also-- we've seen some meat tonight from the people in Iowa.
They want to see the deal as they're sending us meat
until we move the home office from Lebanon, Pennsylvania, to Iowa there.
Yeah. And now people are just muttering to themselves in the audience.
Let's see. Tonight's top ten category, top ten ways the world would be
different if everyone was named Phil.
You understand how this works, Paul?
If everyone in the world was named Phil.
That's right. These now would be the top ten differences.
The way the world would be different from what it is now.
Gotcha.
Mm-hmm. Number ten.
Almost impossible to get personal license plate Phil.
Number nine. Ben and Jerry's ice cream now called Phil and Phils.
Number eight. Expectant parents would be heard saying Phil if it's a boy, Phil
if it's a girl.
When caller to Donahue show said Phil, everyone in audience would reply, "Yes."
The 007 fans look forward to classic line Phil, uh, Bond to Phil Bond.
Well, I screwed that up. Take me in. Oh, screw you.
Number five. Instead of screaming, "Watch where you're going, you stupid
bastards." New Yorkers would scream, "Watch where you're going, Phil, you
stupid bastards."
Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. I'm sorry I said screw you now.
Uh, number four. Some woman named Phil would keep breaking into my house. Yep.
Thank you very much.
Now I just feel terrible about having said screw you earlier.
Uh, number three. Teenage pranksters would call airport and have them page Phil
Hertz.
Number two.
Wouldn't have to look in TV Guide to see who's on The Tonight Show.
And the number one way the world would be different if everyone was named Phil.
Most popular Beatle, Phil.
Hey, hey, hey. Well, it's about time.
There was the drum solo you were requesting.
I know. Three weeks ago I asked for that.
Also, well, we finally got around to it because of the Phil, you know, one big
drum Phil, I thought.
Oh, yeah. Well, it worked very nice. I personally would like to hear more of
that.
Well, maybe later on tonight.
Okay, good. We'll look forward to that.
What? Huh?
Oh, the Dwight the Trouble Teen.
All right, let's see what Dwight looks like over there among the flowers.
Dwight, where is Dwight? We're sending a friend over, Meg.
Dwight the Trouble Teen.
Yeah, he's 14 years old. There he is.
Hi.
Hi.
All right, that's about all you get there, Meg. I'm sorry.
Dwight?
Offer him some flowers and see if he goes away.
Oh, okay.
All right, Meg, we've got work to do.
Listen, nice chatting with you, and I'm sorry about your birthday.
We'll send you a real gift on your actual birthday.
Oh, well, I'm not complaining.
Okay, all right, all right.
Listen, before you leave, wave goodbye, so we'll come back to you.
You're not leaving now, right?
No.
Okay, hang on.
Hey, Phil Donahue's here.
Oh, okay, that's good.
You like Phil, don't you?
Sure.
Dwight the Troubled Teen.
He's about to wreak havoc in the office there.
What are we doing now?
Top ten.
Here it is, the category tonight from the Home Office in Lebanon, Pennsylvania.
Top ten pet peeves of guys who manage big and tall men's stores.
Top ten peeves of guys who manage big and tall men's stores.
Here we go, number ten.
Fat guys who get their inseam measured a couple of times and then don't buy
anything.
Number nine, when a size 54 doesn't close the dressing room curtain all the way.
Number eight, when Roger Ebert tries to return old bathing suits.
Number seven, annoying thwack sound when customer walks into ceiling fan.
Number six, never get to meet Jake, only get to meet the fat man.
Number five, when it's big and tall men's store manager's day at the ballpark
and you have to work.
Oh, yeah.
Number four, when a big tall guy gets wedged in your door frame and you have to
call the fire department.
Number three, Willard.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your lunch hour, he asks if you're going
to finish that sandwich.
And the number one pet peeves of fat guys who manage big and tall men's stores.
Two words, broken chairs.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
If you're just joining us, I'm getting ready to call Madonna.
This is a great idea for a new show.
Paul, Paul, all you have to do is dialing music.
That's all you have to do.
Thank you.
Okay, this should be Madonna.
Hey, hey, it's me.
It's me again.
What, did you hear that?
Did you hear Sylvester?
Uh-huh.
What do you think?
Are you calling us or what?
Yeah, definitely.
Really?
Uh-huh.
Well, easy for you to say.
You're hiding out there by the little table.
David?
Yeah.
It's Richard Sylvester.
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Get out of the house, quick.
Run for your life.
Oh, my God.
Geez.
Don't let him come in here.
Don't let him.
Don't.
Get quick.
Get in here quick.
Oh, man alive.
Where's the cameraman?
Oh, you can see the weight dropping off of the cameraman.
Oh, man.
My heart is racing like a little bunny.
I call the page.
David?
It's Richard.
David?
Oh, my God.
Yow.
Took some years off my life.
David?
Richard?
Oh.
What do we do now?
What do we do now?
Let's do this top ten list and get on with it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
David?
David?
Richard?
Oh.
What do we do now?
Now, let's do this top ten list and get on with the...
From the home office in Lebanon, Pennsylvania,
it's a good category tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
if you have a scrapbook at home, here's one for the scrapbook.
Top ten Keebler Elf euphemisms for death.
Top ten Keebler Elf euphemisms for death.
I see.
You understand what we're talking about?
In other words, a Keebler Elf would never say he died.
No.
They would have some other way of expressing that.
I see.
Here we go.
Top ten Keebler Elf euphemisms for death.
Number ten, bit the big morsel.
Number nine, failed his freshness test.
Number eight, on the cooling rack.
Number seven, bought the Pepperidge Farm.
Number six, gone to aisle three.
Number five, creamy casket filling.
Number four, owl bait.
Number three, super fudgerifically dead.
Number two, overbaked.
And number one, somebody get the mini back.
You know, I think what we're going to have to do is go out there and get that
page.
We're going to have to kidnap her and deprogram her now that she's been out
there with Richard.
I think you're right.
You know, you can't go anywhere these days without running into somebody's top
ten list.
Here's a copy of the current October McCalls.
Do you have this, Paul?
You get it at home, don't you?
Get that one after that.
It's way over here.
And see what I mean.
America's ten sexiest men over 60.
And then it gives you the guys who's on the list.
For example, John Huston is on the list.
Lee Iacocca.
Norman Mailer, so on and so forth.
Cary Grant.
Frank Sinatra.
That's a top ten list.
Here, Paul, the new edition of Good Housekeeping, September, with Meryl Streep.
Or, no, it's not Meryl Streep.
It's Diane Sawyer.
I don't know.
Don't they look a little alike, Meryl and Diane?
Which one is that again, then?
This is Diane Sawyer.
Diane Sawyer, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, Diane Sawyer.
Okay, now there's a top ten list in here.
Most Admired Men poll.
And they want you to pick your Most Admired Men for their top ten list.
And it's a little poll there.
So, because these things are so popular and such solid network television
programming material,
we've decided tonight, now comes the joke.
We've decided tonight, see, all of that is the setup.
Here comes the joke.
We're going to start our own top ten list.
And tonight, I think we've got a pretty good one.
Tonight, we'll be late night's top ten words that almost rhyme with P's.
Okay.
Number ten, we have Heats.
Number nine is Rice.
Number eight is Moss.
Number seven, we have Ties.
Well, it's a little late.
What happened?
We were going to score this whole thing for you.
This was a little drum roll.
Yeah.
Now I lost my place.
Oh, number seven is Ties.
Number six is Needs.
Number five is Lens.
Number four is Ice.
Number three is kind of a surprise, Nurse.
Number two, we're getting very close now, is Leeks.
And the number one word that almost rhymes with P's, according to our poll, is
Meats.
We'll have those from time to time, with or without the music.
We don't know yet.
Yeah.
Maybe without.
No, I like the music.
You didn't like the music?
No, I did.
We were a little late.
You don't like playing along, do you?
No, no, no.
I love it.
You don't like playing along.
I'm just a little embarrassed because we jumped in a little late there.
It's not that you don't like playing along.
I love to play any game you want to play.
All right.
What would you like to play?
Well, now it's time to get on with the big telecast.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
And by the way, if you're just joining us, I'm still writing 5761 on my check.
You crazy nut!
I wish we had either more jokes on the card or more cards with jokes.
That's it.
That's it right there.
Here's good news.
It's tonight's top ten list.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's try this.
I think this is going to be pretty good.
Tonight's top ten list is the category things that almost, almost rhyme with
the word hat.
Oh.
All right.
Is this topical at all?
Well, no, it's not topical.
It's sort of interesting.
I see.
Okay.
All right.
If it's interesting, it doesn't have to be funny.
Am I right?
Well, we'll see.
All right.
We'll just see how it turns out.
I see.
All right.
Okay.
Top ten things now.
Think about this.
That almost, they don't rhyme precisely.
Almost rhyme with hat.
Got it.
Hat.
The password is hat.
Here we go.
Number ten.
Ham.
Remember, as Paul pointed out, they don't need to be funny because they're
interesting.
Ah, you see?
Number nine.
Hats.
Number eight.
Lap.
Number seven.
Meat.
Here we go.
I think this will heat things up.
Number six.
Snatch.
Number five.
Almost rhyming with hat.
Number five.
Pabst.
Pabst.
That's a fun one's funny.
Not to me.
Yeah.
To me.
Number four.
Cyber sex chat.
By the way, I just want to remind people, computer owners, I am still
publishing my erotic newsletter.
Number three.
Late show stagehand, Pat Farmer.
Nice going, Pat Farmer.
There he is.
Pat Farmer.
Thanks, Dave.
Number two.
Matt Lauer.
Now, that is interesting.
That's all that is.
Part of it actually does.
The first part of it actually does rhyme with hat.
Well, that's the interesting part, isn't it?
The other part has no relationship at all.
Thank you, Dr. IQ.
And the number one thing that almost rhymes with hat, ass.
We prove it virtually every night.
Professional comedy is not easy.

Top Ten Lists Discussed by Gerard Mulligan & Steve Young, Spring 2015

Is there anything else you want to say about the top 10s?
There was one thing I remember. I actually used to like writing top 10s because
they were just basically jokes, various kinds.
And there was one time a topic came up in a meeting and nobody liked it except
me and I think Rob Burnett.
And it was, "How the world would be different if everyone were named Phil."
And no, there was no interest. And so this never happened before or since.
We went home independently without phone calls, email, whatever.
Each made up a bunch of how the world would be different.
And it was all stuff like, "The name is Bond. Phil Bond."
Or, "Well, we don't want to have every Phil, Phil, and Phil here," that kind of
stuff.
And we had enough good ones that we actually did the list.
That was the only time that ever happened.
I tried not to do anything on the weekend or outside of the actual office.
I believe Rob Burnett actually dreamed a top 10 topic that did make it onto the
show.
It was pet peeves of McDonald's managers. Does that ring a bell?
No, but the one that you had in your notes I liked was the Keyboard Elves.
Oh, yeah. Back in the days when we were doing just sillier, weirder ones
and less reliance on what the news story of the day was,
"Keebler Elf Euphemisms for Death" was a fabulous one.
Very nice. That's a great one. Very nice.
I love that.
I can't remember most of them, but I do remember "On the Cooling Rack."
And see that, I would watch a show like that all day if that was still on.
The original ones were very silly. The first--
Ones that-- Words that almost rhyme with P's.
That was the very first one. The words that almost rhyme with P's.
Nurse. That was a stretch.
Yeah, that doesn't really--
No. Almost is a very flexible word, I suppose.
And we've also-- we've seen some meat tonight from the people in Iowa.
They want to see the deal as they're sending us meat
until we move the home office from Lebanon, Pennsylvania, to Iowa there.
Yeah. And now people are just muttering to themselves in the audience.
Let's see. Tonight's top ten category, top ten ways the world would be
different if everyone was named Phil.
You understand how this works, Paul?
If everyone in the world was named Phil.
That's right. These now would be the top ten differences.
The way the world would be different from what it is now.
Gotcha.
Mm-hmm. Number ten.
Almost impossible to get personal license plate Phil.
Number nine. Ben and Jerry's ice cream now called Phil and Phils.
Number eight. Expectant parents would be heard saying Phil if it's a boy, Phil
if it's a girl.
When caller to Donahue show said Phil, everyone in audience would reply, "Yes."
The 007 fans look forward to classic line Phil, uh, Bond to Phil Bond.
Well, I screwed that up. Take me in. Oh, screw you.
Number five. Instead of screaming, "Watch where you're going, you stupid
bastards." New Yorkers would scream, "Watch where you're going, Phil, you
stupid bastards."
Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. I'm sorry I said screw you now.
Uh, number four. Some woman named Phil would keep breaking into my house. Yep.
Thank you very much.
Now I just feel terrible about having said screw you earlier.
Uh, number three. Teenage pranksters would call airport and have them page Phil
Hertz.
Number two.
Wouldn't have to look in TV Guide to see who's on The Tonight Show.
And the number one way the world would be different if everyone was named Phil.
Most popular Beatle, Phil.
Hey, hey, hey. Well, it's about time.
There was the drum solo you were requesting.
I know. Three weeks ago I asked for that.
Also, well, we finally got around to it because of the Phil, you know, one big
drum Phil, I thought.
Oh, yeah. Well, it worked very nice. I personally would like to hear more of
that.
Well, maybe later on tonight.
Okay, good. We'll look forward to that.
What? Huh?
Oh, the Dwight the Trouble Teen.
All right, let's see what Dwight looks like over there among the flowers.
Dwight, where is Dwight? We're sending a friend over, Meg.
Dwight the Trouble Teen.
Yeah, he's 14 years old. There he is.
Hi.
Hi.
All right, that's about all you get there, Meg. I'm sorry.
Dwight?
Offer him some flowers and see if he goes away.
Oh, okay.
All right, Meg, we've got work to do.
Listen, nice chatting with you, and I'm sorry about your birthday.
We'll send you a real gift on your actual birthday.
Oh, well, I'm not complaining.
Okay, all right, all right.
Listen, before you leave, wave goodbye, so we'll come back to you.
You're not leaving now, right?
No.
Okay, hang on.
Hey, Phil Donahue's here.
Oh, okay, that's good.
You like Phil, don't you?
Sure.
Dwight the Troubled Teen.
He's about to wreak havoc in the office there.
What are we doing now?
Top ten.
Here it is, the category tonight from the Home Office in Lebanon, Pennsylvania.
Top ten pet peeves of guys who manage big and tall men's stores.
Top ten peeves of guys who manage big and tall men's stores.
Here we go, number ten.
Fat guys who get their inseam measured a couple of times and then don't buy
anything.
Number nine, when a size 54 doesn't close the dressing room curtain all the way.
Number eight, when Roger Ebert tries to return old bathing suits.
Number seven, annoying thwack sound when customer walks into ceiling fan.
Number six, never get to meet Jake, only get to meet the fat man.
Number five, when it's big and tall men's store manager's day at the ballpark
and you have to work.
Oh, yeah.
Number four, when a big tall guy gets wedged in your door frame and you have to
call the fire department.
Number three, Willard.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your lunch hour, he asks if you're going
to finish that sandwich.
And the number one pet peeves of fat guys who manage big and tall men's stores.
Two words, broken chairs.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
Number two, while fitting a fat guy in your house.
If you're just joining us, I'm getting ready to call Madonna.
This is a great idea for a new show.
Paul, Paul, all you have to do is dialing music.
That's all you have to do.
Thank you.
Okay, this should be Madonna.
Hey, hey, it's me.
It's me again.
What, did you hear that?
Did you hear Sylvester?
Uh-huh.
What do you think?
Are you calling us or what?
Yeah, definitely.
Really?
Uh-huh.
Well, easy for you to say.
You're hiding out there by the little table.
David?
Yeah.
It's Richard Sylvester.
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Get out of the house, quick.
Run for your life.
Oh, my God.
Geez.
Don't let him come in here.
Don't let him.
Don't.
Get quick.
Get in here quick.
Oh, man alive.
Where's the cameraman?
Oh, you can see the weight dropping off of the cameraman.
Oh, man.
My heart is racing like a little bunny.
I call the page.
David?
It's Richard.
David?
Oh, my God.
Yow.
Took some years off my life.
David?
Richard?
Oh.
What do we do now?
What do we do now?
Let's do this top ten list and get on with it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
David?
David?
Richard?
Oh.
What do we do now?
Now, let's do this top ten list and get on with the...
From the home office in Lebanon, Pennsylvania,
it's a good category tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
if you have a scrapbook at home, here's one for the scrapbook.
Top ten Keebler Elf euphemisms for death.
Top ten Keebler Elf euphemisms for death.
I see.
You understand what we're talking about?
In other words, a Keebler Elf would never say he died.
No.
They would have some other way of expressing that.
I see.
Here we go.
Top ten Keebler Elf euphemisms for death.
Number ten, bit the big morsel.
Number nine, failed his freshness test.
Number eight, on the cooling rack.
Number seven, bought the Pepperidge Farm.
Number six, gone to aisle three.
Number five, creamy casket filling.
Number four, owl bait.
Number three, super fudgerifically dead.
Number two, overbaked.
And number one, somebody get the mini back.
You know, I think what we're going to have to do is go out there and get that
page.
We're going to have to kidnap her and deprogram her now that she's been out
there with Richard.
I think you're right.
You know, you can't go anywhere these days without running into somebody's top
ten list.
Here's a copy of the current October McCalls.
Do you have this, Paul?
You get it at home, don't you?
Get that one after that.
It's way over here.
And see what I mean.
America's ten sexiest men over 60.
And then it gives you the guys who's on the list.
For example, John Huston is on the list.
Lee Iacocca.
Norman Mailer, so on and so forth.
Cary Grant.
Frank Sinatra.
That's a top ten list.
Here, Paul, the new edition of Good Housekeeping, September, with Meryl Streep.
Or, no, it's not Meryl Streep.
It's Diane Sawyer.
I don't know.
Don't they look a little alike, Meryl and Diane?
Which one is that again, then?
This is Diane Sawyer.
Diane Sawyer, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, Diane Sawyer.
Okay, now there's a top ten list in here.
Most Admired Men poll.
And they want you to pick your Most Admired Men for their top ten list.
And it's a little poll there.
So, because these things are so popular and such solid network television
programming material,
we've decided tonight, now comes the joke.
We've decided tonight, see, all of that is the setup.
Here comes the joke.
We're going to start our own top ten list.
And tonight, I think we've got a pretty good one.
Tonight, we'll be late night's top ten words that almost rhyme with P's.
Okay.
Number ten, we have Heats.
Number nine is Rice.
Number eight is Moss.
Number seven, we have Ties.
Well, it's a little late.
What happened?
We were going to score this whole thing for you.
This was a little drum roll.
Yeah.
Now I lost my place.
Oh, number seven is Ties.
Number six is Needs.
Number five is Lens.
Number four is Ice.
Number three is kind of a surprise, Nurse.
Number two, we're getting very close now, is Leeks.
And the number one word that almost rhymes with P's, according to our poll, is
Meats.
We'll have those from time to time, with or without the music.
We don't know yet.
Yeah.
Maybe without.
No, I like the music.
You didn't like the music?
No, I did.
We were a little late.
You don't like playing along, do you?
No, no, no.
I love it.
You don't like playing along.
I'm just a little embarrassed because we jumped in a little late there.
It's not that you don't like playing along.
I love to play any game you want to play.
All right.
What would you like to play?
Well, now it's time to get on with the big telecast.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
And by the way, if you're just joining us, I'm still writing 5761 on my check.
You crazy nut!
I wish we had either more jokes on the 