Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, April 3, 1992
Uploaded: 2020-06-07T21:42:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, April 3, 1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, April 3, 1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-07. Transcript available.

This edition of Focus on View.
What are you doing here? Are you supposed to be working?
I'm sorry, are you kidding me?
If I didn't show up, my career would be over.
Without a doubt.
I know.
How?
I'm not going to go on my products now.
That's very exciting.
I came here to profess my lolly.
And it's true.
I once told her that I could lose my agent, I could lose my lawyer,
but if I lost her, my career would be over.
She has an effect on that show.
Oh, you were wonderful.
It's just the beginning of dawn, I mean, where I am.
And maybe I ought to leave.
I think so.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.
I appreciate it.
Thank you, darling.
I love you.
Thank you for letting me know.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Bye.
Goodbye.
Thank you very much.
David, you know one thing about me,
and that is that I have never used my relationship with you
to gain any show business stature
or advance myself in this business.
Well, I would hope not.
But there's one thing I want to ask you right now.
Yeah, sure, go ahead, shoot.
Can you get me a guest shot on Stagehand Theater?
It's so hip.
It's the hippest show now, and I can't get on it.
And I've got an idea what I want to do on it.
All right.
I want to do a transcription of Cher's infomercial
for the Laurie Davis hair product.
All right.
Let me put that down on your wish list.
I see myself as Cher.
Oh, you're going to be Cher.
I'd like to be Cher.
Joe Gorda could be Cher's best friend, Palette.
Al Mar.
So you've really put some thought into this thing.
Laurie Davis, yeah.
And there's a part for you.
Oh, thank you.
I'm Ted Danson.
If you want to be Ted Danson
and sneak in at the end and kneel down.
What does he say when he comes in?
He comes in, he professes his love for Laurie,
and then he says,
I'm just starting to realize where I am.
Yeah, and he has to sneak right off.
You don't want to do that.
I'd love you to do it,
but if you could get me a shot on there.
We'll see.
All right.
I don't want to get your hopes up high
and then have to break your heart later in the week.
And I don't want it to be, you know,
like the way Doc,
when Doc Severinsen would do a guest shot
on the bionic woman or something.
I don't want it to be that.
I want a real dramatic role in this thing.
All right, Paul.
We'll see what we can do.
I can't make any promises, but we'll try.
All right.
It's Friday night, ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls, moms and dads,
and kids of all ages,
and that means one thing and one thing only.
It's time to answer our viewer mail.
Here we go.
Standing there staring at me.
I don't understand that.
Actual viewer mail letters.
Actual letters.
Actual viewers.
Dear Dave, letter number one begins,
Hi, Dave.
I never get mailed.
How about giving out my address?
This is from Mike Crook, Ellicott City, Maryland.
Well, you know, this is a pretty funny idea, Mike,
but take it from me.
I'm not sure you really want us to show your address on the air.
You may end up on some very, very strange mailing lists
because certain groups and certain companies target our viewers.
That's a known fact.
Here is a sample now of the kind of junk mail
you might be receiving in the mail.
You get something from the National Organization of Troubled Loaners,
Citizens for Longer Beer Commercials,
Cell Block Magazine.
I've gotten that.
The Bonnie Franklin Mint, you may hear from them.
The Shovel Collector, I've got that magazine.
The Funny Smell Rangers.
The Gambino Family Newsletter.
Oh, this is bad.
Bird that pecks out your eyes delivered to your home in a box club.
I hate that.
House of Lent.
Sure, you'll be hearing from them as well.
Society for the Advancement of Frenetic Rubbing.
Yep, and the Republican National Committee
and all the Alpiscopo catalogs.
So if we put your address on the air, you might be...
Man, didn't even come close to the glass,
but yet somehow the sonic waves set up by the card
actually shattered several panes.
Hey, Dave, number two begins.
When you go out to eat at a restaurant,
do the servers give you bigger portions
because it's you, Dave Letterman,
just wondering,
your late-night pal, Trap Hewitt, Davie, Florida.
Uh, excellent question, Trap.
Um, no, I wouldn't say that I get bigger portions necessarily,
but I have gained special privileges
at some of my favorite restaurants.
I remember just last night
I was enjoying a fine dining experience.
Oh, boy, boy.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Come in here a second.
Was that lasagna okay, Mr. Lerman?
I'm telling you, it was very good.
It had gotten a little cold,
but other than that, it was terrific.
Is there anything else good coming up, Rob,
that we could try?
Well, there's a woman leaving over at table three
who only ate about half of her Swiss steak.
Do you want the rest of that, too?
Yeah, and you see that guy
who has just dozed off there in front of his dessert?
What's he having?
A pudding.
Yeah, bring that pudding over,
and I'll finish the bread, too.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
It's the all-Burgundy comedy theater.
Well, there was a look to the set, yes.
Yeah, the waiter had a little burgundy outfit on.
I had my traditional burgundy T-shirt,
which I wear whenever I'm dining.
And, of course, the burgundy drapes.
Listen, Dick Tracy did all yellow.
Yeah, exactly.
You know, this is a burgundy thing,
and I think that, you know,
there should be awards given.
See, there it is right there.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave,
what diabolical fiend is responsible
for constructing all these
hideously enigmatic income tax forms
and, ha, instructions fed state and local.
I want to scream.
Thanks, your pal Susie, Detroit, Toledo, Ohio.
Well, Susie, if you feel like you're overtaxed,
well, certainly, of course,
hey, welcome to the club.
But, you know, I personally,
I don't really have much of a problem
with the tax forms.
I just don't think they're that complicated.
Let me show you what I...
Here.
There's a tax form right here.
How convenient.
Here.
They have, like, two or three lines.
The first one right here,
it says your name.
See it right there.
You put your name in there.
And then down here,
I guess this is where it gets a little tricky.
How much money did you make last year?
So you have to figure that up
and enter that on,
I guess that's line two.
Then down here on line three,
how much tax do you want to pay, if any?
And then you just fill that out
and then, of course, sign it and send it off
and, you know, it's not that big a deal.
Yes, Paul?
You know what?
I think you have a special tax form there.
Well, I know there are several different tax forms.
Do you see up at the top of that?
Do you see what it says up there?
Oh, okay.
Let's take a look.
This is a 1047.
What is that?
Can you get in there tight on that?
Oh, yeah, 1047 showbiz big shot.
Yeah.
That's a specific form
that you happen to have.
It's not really a form that's...
It's a showbiz big shot form.
Letter number four.
Are we up to number four?
Yes.
Okay.
Dear Dave, does anyone ever write to you more than once?
Why?
Just wondering.
Brian Shaughnessy, Honolulu, Hawaii.
You know, now that you mention it, Brian,
we very rarely do get letters from the same person twice.
You know, that's odd that you bring it up.
I don't know what the reason for that would...
Paul, why do you think we never...
Paul?
Why do you...
Paul?
Why do you think we never get...
Where the hell did Paul go?
Paul?
Where is Paul?
Has anyone seen Mr. Shea?
Are you, uh, Brian Shaughnessy?
Uh, yeah.
Mr. Late Night Viewer and Mail, huh?
Dear Dave, dear Dave.
You know, you wouldn't think just once to write to me, would you?
Just once.
You couldn't just once send a letter to Paul.
No, always to Dave.
Love your show, Dave.
Love your jokes, Dave.
Love you, Dave.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Nice one, Paul.
See, that was sort of in keeping with our burgundy theme.
That's right.
It all ties in there like that, rather magically.
I took care of everything.
Thank you very much.
How was your flight?
We have to do a commercial.
We'll be right back here with our guests this evening.
Mary Lou Henner, Ringo Starr, and Alan Haby.
Please, come on.
Oh, my goodness.
Wow.
Am I calling you in?
I thought so.
Oh, okay.
Mmm.
Oh, boy.
Mmm.
Pretty tasty.
Juan-teen.
Yes, sir.
Mmm.
Boy, that was delicious.
Oh.
Marble.
Come here.
Marble.
Come here.
All right.
Oh.
Tasty.
Excuse me.
Foster.
All right.
Here we go.
Oh.
Boy, that was very good.
Very, Wallace.
Excuse me.
Oh.
I got a great idea for a show.
It's me and one, and I introduce clips like this.
Where people just break up.
What do you think?
Here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
I got a great idea for a show.
It's me and one, and I introduce clips like this.
Where people just break up.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Boy. Boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Jimmy, come here a second.
Jimmy, come here a second.
Jimmy, get in here.
Jimmy, come on in.
Jimmy, Jimmy, no, Jimmy, come in here.
I don't think I can do this anymore.
Jimmy's in trouble.
The first one was so good.
Don't look at him.
Boy. Boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Tommy?
Was that lasagna okay, Mr. Letterman?
It was terrific, but, you know, it had actually gotten a little cold, but it
was great.
What's coming up next, Max?
I'm sorry.
That was my fault.
Tonaline in five.
Three, six.
Two.
Mmm.
Boy.
Mmm, that was delicious.
Excuse me.
Do you mind?
Wow.
Was that lasagna okay, Mr. Letterman?
Yeah, it was.
You know, it had actually gotten a little cold, but other than that, it was
very, very good.
Is there anything else good coming up, Keith?
Well, there's a one.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, it was like we were in the clear on that one.
Oh, man.
Oh, boy.
Boy.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Come in here a second.
Was that lasagna okay, Mr. Letterman?
I'm telling you, it was very good.
It had gotten a little cold, but other than that, it was terrific.
Is there anything else good coming up, Rob, that we could try?
Well, there's a woman leaving over at table three who only ate about half of
her Swiss steak.
Do you want the rest of that, too?
Yeah.
And you see that guy who has just dozed off there in front of his dessert?
What's he having?
A pudding.
Yeah, bring that pudding over, and I'll finish the bread, too.
Okay.
Thank you very much.