Name: First Anniversary Special on Letterman, February 4, 1983
Uploaded: 2020-06-17T03:06:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'First Anniversary Special on Letterman, February 4, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'First Anniversary Special on Letterman, February 4, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-17. Transcript available.

First Anniversary Special on Letterman, February 4, 1983

SCTV will not be seen tonight.
Just wanted to give you something to gossip about.
But we'll return next week at its regular time.
Now, a special late night with David Letterman.
February 4th, 1983.
A date that will live forever in history.
Tonight is the gala one-year anniversary special of Late Night with David
Letterman.
A red-letter day for those of us in the industry.
And by the industry, of course, I mean the business.
And for sentimental Americans everywhere.
The stock market enjoyed its highest day of trading ever.
The international presses out in force along with a paparazzi.
And New York is literally buzzing over the list of celebrities who are going to
be arriving anytime now.
For what promises to be the party to end all parties.
I'm Armie Archer, the voice of Hollywood and friend of the stars.
And I've flown in from the coast especially for this event.
The limousines have been arriving all day chock full of many of the marvelous
stars from the show.
And here's one of them right now.
He's none other than the biggest star of Late Night, Captain Haggerty.
And good to see you.
Lovely Howard Taylor is arriving now with his date.
One of the Late Night players, Mary Margaret Bannon.
And it looks to me that they're quite an item both on and off the show.
And familiar to the Late Night viewers, the three time winner and undefeated
champion of elevator races, Clara McAllister.
And the rock superstar, the boss himself, Bruce Springsteen, looking very well.
And of course, the president of Melman Productions, Larry Bud Melman and his
son, the multi-talented, Mr. Troy Chipper Melman.
Well, last night must have been a very, very touching night for you.
Can you tell us about it?
Yes, we hugged each other and cried a lot.
Oh, really?
Armie, let me tell you something.
Not right now, not right now.
He's a humanitarian and one of the great talents.
We know that.
I'm sorry.
We don't have time because right now, let's go on with the show.
From New York.
Gee, I love saying that.
I think I'll say it again.
From New York, it's Late Night with David Letterman.
Tonight, Late Night celebrates its one-year anniversary with guest comedian
Robert Klein and the godfather of soul, James Brown.
And with on-the-scene commentary, Armie Archer, the voice of Hollywood and
friend to the stars.
Also, a look at some of the year's new gift items, highlights of Dave's New
York City tours and stupid pet tricks.
Plus, other marvelous moments from a year of wonderful shows.
I mean it.
They were really wonderful shows.
And now, a man who is the meanest boss in the world.
Just kidding.
He's really great.
David Letterman!
-No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. Thank you. Thank you. Thank
you. That's awfully nice of you. Well, thank you very much. No, no. Thank you
very much. Boy, oh, boy. That's awfully darn nice of you folks.
You know, I have been to every lunar launch that NASA had. I've been to every
Super Bowl. I've been to Woodstock twice. But, ladies and gentlemen, I have
never seen anything like this tonight. It's unbelievable, isn't it?
And because you're such a wonderful audience, everyone in the studio tonight
will receive a hot meal and a tattoo. Yes.
That's right.
Tonight is, what is this, our first year on the air. Now, I know a lot of
people out there,
a lot of skeptics in this country are saying, "One year, big deal." All right.
Let me put it in perspective. If you measure this in dog years, we're right up
there with happy days. You know?
It was such a... Not only is this an exciting night for us because of obvious
reasons, but it's also, I guess, this is no secret,
it's Gumby's birthday today. And that, of course, is a legal holiday in New
Jersey, so I'm...
Oh, boy. We have a fine program for you folks. You seem to be in a wonderful
mood, and I certainly appreciate the help, not only tonight, but every night of
the year.
On our program tonight, Mr. Robert Klein will be here.
In addition to Mr. Robert Klein, the godfather of soul, James.
We are going to take a look at highlights of all of our touring of New York
City over the past year.
Also, the highlights of something we like to call, and so we do, Stupid Pet Tricks.
Sure.
And we're going to have a visit from Larry Bud Melman, if he's ever located.
And we'll be going back down onto the street with Armie Archer, the voice of
Hollywood and friend of the stars, this and much, much more.
Please, now, say hello to our good old friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer, ladies and
gentlemen.
Hey, thank you very much. Getting older by the minute.
You are too much.
Let me say this, though. I'm kind of excited about this.
I was in the desert last week on our vacation.
Of course, when an entertainer says the desert, he means, of course, Palm
Springs, California.
I picked up, there's a guy out there named Mr. Maury Geyer.
Now, I don't usually do plugs.
Now, I don't usually do plugs, but this guy has designed a shirt.
This is called the Maury Geyer Scalp. Look at it.
He has done more for an entertainer's wardrobe.
That's a beauty, Paul.
Isn't it something now? It unbuttons because of the scallops.
You can really unbutton it as...
Good heavens.
You know, a happening medallion underneath, you know?
What he has done for an entertainer's wardrobe, I'm so excited.
And by the way, congratulations on your number one day.
Well, congratulations to you too, Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen, and the
Maury Geyer shirt.
Thank you.
Boy, that's some work of art, that scallop shirt there.
It's a scallop.
You know, in the last 12 months, we have presented you, the viewers, with
literally hundreds of new products introduced by hopeful manufacturers.
They all sold well, but some of them went right through the roof.
Why, they were more like hotcakes than new products.
So fast did they sell.
Uh, these now are fixtures in countless American homes.
We thought we'd take another look at them again tonight.
First of all, this item.
I have one on my vanity at home in my dressing room.
At last bodybuilding meets ear care in an atmosphere of friendship and
understanding.
It's the new Jack LaLanne Q-Tip Dispenser.
And boy, do we need it now.
Jack LaLanne Q-Tip Dispenser.
Easy to see why it's a multi-million dollar seller.
Now, this is exciting.
Mock airplane windows for big fun on your next commercial flight.
Just slip one of these over the real window and watch panic everywhere.
Passer-bys will see the wing of the plane engulfed in flames.
Stewardess is guaranteed to drop trays.
A fun new gag.
Yes.
That right over there.
Now, do you remember the good old days when gas station attendants were really
polite and would fill your tank for five dollars?
Well, it can still be that way when you turn on the new hypno gas cap.
Yes, in five seconds, your gasoline attendant will be in a trance and you'll
hear things like,
"A dollar for 21 gallons? Why, thank you, sir."
And let me get the inside of that windshield also, master.
The new hypno gas tank.
Now, in Mexico, it's known as El Nob Grande.
Here in the United States, we simply call it the giant phony doorknob and it's
a panic.
Right here, ladies and gentlemen, this oversized doorknob is much larger than
it ought to be.
In fact, it's just plain big.
"Simply attach this to an ordinary door and then wait for the fireworks. Your
friends will flip when they see how truly big a doorknob can be."
This is the fourth time we've had the giant doorknob on the show. It hasn't
worked any other time either.
It's a giant doorknob on the show.
Well, little Sparky here may have a nasty case of rabies, but you know, when
you're in a close shave or need one, he's still man's best friend.
This, of course, is the mad dog shaving cream dispenser.
Oh, my God, look what I've done to poor old Sparky.
Ooh, some sort of terrible surgical procedure here.
Oh, my God, I think we may have to put Sparky to sleep.
What a terrible operation for the little fella to undergo.
It's the rabid dog shaving cream dispenser.
Yeah, we're off and running now, aren't we?
From the people who brought you those cute little corn cob holders, here's a
new way to eat lots and lots of ham.
With these whimsical ham grips, you can polish off an entire canned ham without
the embarrassment of greasy fingers.
Just perfect for picnics and family gatherings.
All right, next, this is from the engineering geniuses at Sony.
It's the Walkman Video Disc.
It lets you enjoy a major motion picture release while you're walking to work.
The Walkman Video Disc.
And, of course, you don't look like a jerk.
Now, each of us has been faced with the nightmare of trying to select a holiday
chocolate
without knowing what kind of filling is inside.
Well, with this miniature core sample drill developed by Exxon,
you'll know the exact composition of each center in seconds.
Don't take chances.
The next one you bite into might be pineapple.
Let's see how this is.
There you go.
Just like that.
There you go.
All right.
Now, here's an ingenious device in the tradition of the back scratcher.
It's called the front scratcher.
This was developed by the Marine Corps for inexperienced recruits.
And, finally, it's available for civilians.
The front scratcher right there, that is.
It's available for civilians now.
Now, it goes without saying that no one likes to find a pipe bomb in their home.
I know I don't.
But you can make that wait for the bomb squad a little less nerve-wracking with
this clever pipe bomb
decorator kit.
Yes.
Fuzzy felt appliques will turn even the scariest explosive device into an
adorable dachshund puppy.
There you have it.
Okay.
And I believe we have time for just one more here.
Well, this is the age-old problem.
A pizza mistakenly ordered with toppings that you don't like.
Well, the space-age solution, this high-speed pizza centrifuge.
Just turn on the motor and unwanted anchovies or mushrooms fly off at twice the
speed of sound.
Let's see how it works.
Switch on the pizza centrifuge, and in a matter of moments, there they go.
My, oh, my, what fun we're having.
We got to go away.
We'll be right back with highlights of our tours of New York City.
Hey there.
Thank you very much.
Welcome back to the, uh, for those of you tuning in, ladies and gentlemen, by
the way, this is the giant doorknob.
It's, I think you'll have to agree with me that it's just plain big, isn't it,
ladies and gentlemen?
Oh, my gosh.
What a funny son of a, huh?
All right, now.
Settle down, settle down.
You know, we're all tired, but it's a good kind of tired.
One of the things that has made this past year special for myself are the mini
trips and excursions we here at late night, that's the name of the program you're
now watching,
have made throughout this wonderful city of ours, New York.
We've made a lot of people.
I mean, we've.
Speak for yourself, Dave.
We've met a lot of people.
We've seen a lot of sites.
And like I said before, now we're tired, but it's a good kind of tired.
And so come with me now as we relive some of those magical moments through the
medical.
In the last several years, much has been said and written about Alan Alda, the
TV star and the film star, the motion picture director, writer, humanitarian,
champion of minority causes.
But surprisingly enough, we know very little about Alan Alda, a guy who likes
Chinese food.
And that's why we're here at the Hunan Park restaurant.
What kind of food does he enjoy?
Well, it's no secret that the newest pastime sweeping this country in 1982 is
somebody names a celebrity, somebody else tries to guess what kind of business
machine or typewriter he or she uses.
Walter Cronkite, I'm just guessing here, a manual?
I would assume so.
I'm not really familiar with his particular machine.
Okay, this is Melba Moore.
And I guess from this photograph, it looks like she's just ready to type right
there, huh?
Yeah, she does.
You never really find out much about celebrities and their preference in footwear.
Well, let's start with Leonard Bernstein.
He likes a little high heel for the simple reason t