Name: Regis Philbin Signs Books on Letterman, November 7, 1990
Uploaded: 2020-07-25T21:24:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Regis Philbin Signs Books on Letterman, November 7, 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Regis Philbin Signs Books on Letterman, November 7, 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-25. Transcript available.

Oh, man. You know, over the weekend, I found myself in a little municipal park
up there where I live.
Yeah.
And I see a woman, a young woman, about 18, I would guess, walking toward me.
And as she's walking toward me, she's sort of going for something.
She's got something troubling her.
And she continues to do this, and I'm thinking, well, I'll hang around.
Let me just see what she pulls out of there.
Because it's apparent that she's going to pull something out.
She's trying to extricate something from her sweater.
I understand.
Yeah, and she's in a lot of this, and then it shifts, and then it goes around.
And this goes on for like 100 yards.
And finally, she pulls out this thing.
It's about this long.
It's furry, and it's wiggling.
No.
And it's hissing, and it's kind of nipping.
No.
And it's wriggling.
What is it?
Well, she passes right by me, and I said to her, thinking, well, you know, you
have to almost comment on this.
Yeah.
I said to her, I said, oh, my, what an attractive monkey.
Oh, yeah.
I'm just taking a shot that it's a monkey.
Fair enough.
And she looks at me with a great, great deal of disdain, and she says, it's a
ferret.
I don't know.
I remember the old days when girls would have monkeys in their sweaters, but
not anymore.
No.
It's a ferret.
It's a ferret now, yeah.
Very odd.
Hey, have you seen a brand-new book here, Paul?
Look at this brand-new book.
This is the book that you and the staff have.
Yeah, you know, here was the deal.
A couple of months ago, one of these publishing companies came to us.
What's the name of this company?
Pocket Books?
They came to us, and they dumped a lot of money, a lot of advance money.
And they said, here, you want some money?
Yeah, type up a little book.
And nobody ever thought that it would sell.
Right.
Well, it turns out that it's doing okay.
No, really?
Yeah.
It's a ferret.
And then she walks the ferret around.
She has it on a leash, and she walks it through the park.
She walks the ferret around.
Yeah, the ferret has a collar and a leash, and she's walking it like you would
walk a dog.
And then she just stuffs it into her sweater.
I don't know.
Causes it a day.
I don't know.
I got in my car and left.
I said to myself, hey.
I said to myself, hey.
That's what I said.
Hey.
Hey.
None of my business.
No.
Get in the car.
No, leave it alone.
Fail over there.
Yeah.
Huh?
So the book is doing well.
Well, let me see.
I got some statistics, or as we say in Indiana, statistics.
Uh-huh.
I said to myself, hey, statistics.
Hey, yeah.
It's published August 1st, number one on the Publishers Weekly Best Seller list.
No kidding.
No kidding.
Number two on the New York Times Best Seller list in the Advice and Miscellaneous
category.
No, really?
Yeah, yeah.
And it's in its fourth printing, because, as you know, the first three were smeared.
Smeared.
But, um, so anyway, it's just, you know, it's just, it's like stealing money,
because
it's stuff that we've written once already, and they put a little goofy picture
of me
on there, and then, so now, at some point along the line, they thought, well,
let's see if
we can't turn this into a blockbuster, so they wanted to have one of those
signing parties.
You know what that is?
Oh, I've heard about those.
Yeah.
Where the author goes to a store and signs copies of books for anybody who will
buy them.
Yeah, you, sure.
You're not exactly a chimp yourself.
Well, thank you.
So, we're, uh, we're having one of these today over there at, uh, Barnes &
Noble at 48th,
uh, Street.
Oh, you're having a signing today.
48th Street and 5th Avenue, yeah, a signing party.
But, of course, I can't be there.
I'm running the big show.
Well, how can you have a signing party?
Well, Hal, Hal, are you in there?
Yeah, I did.
Hal, turn on the external camera.
That's Hal, uh, Hal Grunwald, our, uh, director.
There it is, Hal.
There it is.
Main floor downstairs.
This is Barnes & Noble.
This is where the big book signing is taking place.
And, uh, more books.
Look at people.
Man, a lot.
I hope they put on extra security.
And, uh, we asked a friend of ours if he would help out with the signing.
How do you do, sir?
Nice to see you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If that's not a toupee, I'm a thousand years old.
Okay.
And, let's see.
How do you do, sir?
That's quick.
Just get back there and see.
Here's our...
All right.
Can we get right to it?
There's our friend, Regis Philbin, is signing our books for us.
So.
These three girls have chipped in to buy one book.
Regis, nice to see you.
And it's the only book I've sold all night.
Thank you very much for your time.
Uh, you're a very important man.
I appreciate you sparing us about a half an hour here tonight to sign this lame
little book.
Well, let me tell you what the big seller is down here.
What's that?
This book, David.
Very cute.
Uh, Regis.
Hey.
Regis, before you let those women go.
Check them for ferrets and monkeys.
This is Britt.
Who are these women?
This is Britt.
Michelle.
Michelle.
And Tammy.
All right.
Nice to have you here.
Hi, David.
Have you actually bought a copy of this book?
We bought one.
We bought one.
That's the only one we've sold.
You know, girls, that ain't the way this works.
People are coming here asking me for a job.
Nobody wants the book.
Well, listen, Regis.
Buy those other two women an additional copy of each of the book.
I'm David.
Hi.
No, no, no.
Hey.
Incidentally, David, how should I sign my name?
I mean, how should I sign this?
Uh, I don't care.
Whatever you want.
Don't make any difference to me.
How about best wishes?
What did he say?
Best wishes?
Yeah.
Ah, good one, Regis.
He's best in the morning, you know.
He's not usually being up this late, you know.
He's at his best when it's early.
All right.
Look, Regis.
If anything interesting.
This is the big brush.
If anything interesting, if anything funny, God forbid.
If anything untoward happens, you let us know.
Okay, ladies.
Thanks, Regis.
And thanks again.
And anything else you want to say?
No, just this, David.
All right.
Okay, fine.
All right.
Regis Philbin out there at the Barnes & Noble signing our books.
He's an awfully nice boy to be doing that, ain't he?
Lovely guy to sub for you at the book signing.
Yeah, look at that.
There he's signing them books.
Regis.
This lady brought a piece of paper to sign.
Ma'am, wait a minute.
David, nobody wants the book.
Did she?
See, I knew that would happen.
Regis, make sure you get a receipt from these people before you sign.
Did you buy a book, lady?
No.
Oh, come on.
I haven't sold a book yet.
How the hell did you get in there?
How did you get in here?
Watch this.
Get security over here.
What is your name, ma'am?
Stephanie.
Kathleen?
Stephanie.
Stephanie.
Yeah, I don't need trouble from you, okay, Regis?
I got enough trouble moving books, all right?
All right, Stephanie, would it kill you?
Don't give up.
There's one more lady here.
Thank you very much.
I guess she ain't going to buy a book.
How are you doing?
I'm buying a book.
She's buying a book.
Let's hear it.
All right.
You know what that line looks like?
It's old footage coming out of Germany, folks waiting to go through the wall.
They couldn't be more depressed about the situation.
Um, let's see.
All right, Regis, thanks.
We'll check back with you later tonight.
That's it, the big brush, huh?
Yeah, unless there's technical problems.
All right, David.
Well done.
How do you do, ladies and gentlemen?
Welcome back to the program.
Hey, you know, I think this is a pretty good show.
We have Marv Albert, Iggy Pop, Tim Robbins, and Hal.
Show them Regis Philbin.
Regis Philbin right here.
Look at that.
There he is, signing them books.
This lady, this lady is buying five books, David.
Congratulations, ma'am.
Thank you very much.
Right there.
I certainly appreciate it.
And, uh, these are discounted, too, aren't they?
How much are these books going for?
Well, nobody cares.
You know, you get this crap free every night on TV.
They're all frightened.
They're all scared.
All right, thank you very much.
Regis Philbin out there.
Yeah, Paul, she fixed a gaze of indignation on me and said, it's a ferret.
It's a ferret.
But, but my God, what about the Rangers?
Rangers look good.
Yeah, so what are they?
They're like eight and four now or something?
Lost their last three.
Uh, in fact, I'll be headed to the Garden to do a game tonight against Buffalo
Sabres
with one of your favorite color commentators, Sal Redlight Messina.
Right, sure.
You know who Sal is?
Yeah, how do you get the nickname?
An old goalie in the NHL.
He was a backup goaltender in the days where the backups never played.
Right.
But he was there for practice.
Yeah.
Uh, and, uh, being an old goal, uh, you know, the red light goes on every time.
Sure, of course.
The puck goes in.
Yeah, yeah.
And the red light was on frequently with Sal.
Yeah.
So, Sal Redlight Messina.
So, that, the red light then pertains to the red light that would go on when a
goal
was scored when Sal was between the pipes.
Exactly, Dave, yes.
Oh, thanks, Marv.
Between the pipes.
Yes.
You know, you could be out there with Regis signing books.
Hey, let's, what are we doing the videotape or what?
Oh, we have to do a commercial.
Two segments.
Unbelievable.
Yes.
Yes.
It's a magic night.
We'll be back with another segment with Mr. Albert.
All right, Marv.
Good to see you, as always.
Thank you.
Have a great year with the NBA.
Marv Albert, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back, kids.
Hey, let's go see if Regis is still there, if he's blown out of that place.
Hey, how you doing, Regis?
Nice to see you.
Hey, David, we're really hot.
I'm signing this book, Carl's Christmas.
This woman's got a happy birthday card to who?
Michael.
To Michael.
The book is selling like wildfire.
Keep up the good work, Regis.
We're having a lovely time here in the studio.
Say hello to David Letterman.
Hi, nice to see you.
Thanks for stopping by.
Nice to have you with us on the program tonight.
Yeah, thanks, David.
Thanks to you and Marv.
We're just great together.
All right.
See you, Regis.
Okay.
Okay, Regis Philbin.
Now, now what are we doing?
Did I tell you about tonight's show?
Tell me about tomorrow's show?
Oh, you know, we got time for this?
Ha!
Yeah, yeah, it was Regis' idea.
Okay.
Let's do a commercial.
We'll be right back with Iggy Pop.
So, you're having a good time, then, when you go out traveling.
I'm having a great time, yeah.
Yeah, and what have you been doing since the last time we saw you?
Anything new in your life?
Sucking and licking and, you know.
Regis?
Regis?
Regis, something's come up I think you can handle.
What is it, David?
What now?
Never mind.
Never mind.
It's been good.
I did a little TV.
Yeah.
Made a movie.
Well, you're out there doing it, and this stuff sounds great.
Thanks a lot.
Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Nice to see you.
This is Tom, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back.
Save it, David.
Give us a day.
Yay!
Nice to have Iggy.
Nice to have Iggy stop by and tell us how he spent his summer.
I'm just thankful William Paley didn't have to hear this because broadcasting,
you know.
All right, you were involved in a play, a workshop in L.A.
Yeah, my acting group, the Actors Gang, is doing a production of The Good Woman
of Setsuan by Brecht at the Odyssey Theater.
Good.
Come see it.
Regis!
We have to say goodbye, Regis.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
Hey, David, I just signed this one, too.
Okay.
Keep up the good work.
Bye-bye.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.