Name: First and Last New Gift Items on Letterman, 1982 & 1993
Uploaded: 2020-08-31T02:54:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'First and Last New Gift Items on Letterman, 1982 & 1993' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'First and Last New Gift Items on Letterman, 1982 & 1993' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-31. Transcript available.

First and Last New Gift Items on Letterman, 1982 & 1993

And now, a man who is used to hearing the words,
OK, pal, keep moving, David Letterman!
Thank you.
Very nice of you.
Thank you very much.
This, to me, sounds like an audience made up of folks from Alaska and Tennessee.
Good morning, welcome to the show.
My name is David Letterman, and it was raining all day here in New York City,
and what do you think, the Sears back-to-school collection?
Going to the pep rally?
I'm 34, you'd think I'd know how to dress.
Well, what a show we have organized for you people here tonight.
We, just let me say up front, stay up.
You may be thinking about going to sleep.
You're making a mistake of a lifetime if you go to sleep now.
I'll tell you why.
We have a wonderful show.
People say to me all the time, what can you do after the big show?
What I did last night, I went downtown, kind of a bad part of town,
and waited for the street sweeper to come by, you know, that giant machine,
and just, psst, buddy, missed a spot.
They love to hear that kind of thing.
We have a great show, plus an overwhelming surprise,
and I'm only going to say this a couple more times,
don't go to bed because everybody will be talking about it at work tomorrow,
and you'll feel like a jerk,
and, of course, maybe you don't have a job,
then you'll just feel like a jerk around your house.
But what you want to avoid here, of course, is feeling like a jerk.
So, a wonderful motion picture,
one of the best motion pictures I've seen in the last four or five years,
time bandits,
and the man responsible for that, Terry Gilliam, is here tonight.
A gentleman who is a legend in the world of baseball
and newly elected to the Hall of Fame, Mr. Hank Aaron.
We have a songwriter, written many, many famous songs.
Irving Caesar will be joining us a little later, yes?
Now we're getting to the stuff that you're going to have to stay up for.
Not to diminish the importance of what I've already mentioned, of course,
but we're going to have a report from George Miller's room,
but that's not it yet.
A special celebrity profile,
Alan Alda,
a man and his Chinese food.
So, stay up.
But before all of this stuff takes place,
it's, what, we're well into the year 1910,
and already we at the office have been besieged with the new gift catalogs.
We thought this would be a swell opportunity to show you a couple of the items
that are coming in.
First of all, these are the cute coffee mugs,
and these have medical and disease definitions on them there.
This is, of course, scabies, and then this one is the, talk about eye openers
in the morning, huh?
Now, the other one, this is a pretty nice one.
This is good around the office, the brass knuckles coffee mug.
Helps dust off office know-it-alls, knock them out, and scald them with hot
liquid at the same time.
Kind of like that.
Oh, this is a good idea for long-haul truckers or people, the traveling salesmen,
do a lot of driving constantly having to play with a map,
and it gets messy on the interstate.
Here's what you do.
This is the, um,
The reverse image highway paste-on forehead map.
See?
So while you're driving, you can, you can chart your route just by looking in
the rear view mirror.
Maybe I'll just leave this on to annoy people.
Then again, maybe I don't need it.
Where else? I'm, I'm a little confused.
What's new?
Oh, this is good.
The Shriner wall clock.
Now you can teach your son or daughter to tell time with faces of your favorite
famous Shriners.
Just think how much fun it will be to teach him.
It's half-past Ed Subner.
Oh, this is good.
This is, uh, Al Goldstein's cookbook.
Favorite holiday recipes from the publisher of Screw Magazine.
Here's another little item for the kitchen.
I like this.
Uh, these are the, uh, let's see, it says here,
brighten up any kitchen with the cherry canisters featuring pictures of weasels.
Also available in jackals and hyenas.
Also available in jackals and hyenas.
Al Goldstein's Screw Cookbook.
Oh, this is nice.
From the same people who, uh, popularized the oven middens, you know.
Now comes the oven hat.
And, of course, the oven shoes.
It's a, uh...
Uh, what else haven't I done here?
Oh, this is nice.
I'll show you this one.
Uh, are you, it says here,
are you tired of your own personality?
This instructive two-record set
now enables you to act and talk
just like famous sportscaster Lindsay Nelson.
How to talk like me, dress like me, live like me.
Lindsay Nelson, yes.
Okay.
Oh, this is, uh, this is nice.
This is for people who like to sing in the shower.
This is the new radio soap.
Screwed it up completely, I fear.
Oh, this is shortwave radio soap.
Okay, have we covered everything on the table?
Now over to here.
We're not done yet, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, boy.
It's better over here.
No more messy underwear.
No, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
It's a matter of punctuation here.
No more messy underwear drawers.
With this little beauty,
based on the time-honored tradition of the shoe tree,
it's the underwear tree.
Let's see if we can...
Each pair individually stretched
to retain elasticity and shape.
Now, oh...
Okay, this...
The perfect gift for the sloppy bachelor
or teenage boy or girl
who, as a result of throwing items of clothing on the floor,
is never able to locate them again.
Well, those days are gone forever
thanks to the all-new...
Helium socks.
Yes?
Helium socks.
Terry Gilliam will join us.
We'll be right back.
Welcome back to the show.
Thank you very much.
Terry Gilliam is with us.
Henry Aaron is with us.
And just a quick word.
For six weeks, we've had a woman on our staff
trying to make helium socks, ladies and gentlemen.
And this is as close as she could come,
but I think it's a darn fine attempt.
Don't you?
The next best thing to actual helium socks.
Kathleen Anchors did a fine job doing that for us.
And now, a man who forgot to take his goofy serum,
David Letterman!
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
A man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
Now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
And now, a man who forgot to take his own name.
Everybody's very excited.
Bob Hope, 90 years old, has a show.
Today, now, NBC, this very network says,
"Yeah, we may not be renewing his contract."
Bob Hope has been working on this television network for 59 years.
Now, here's where I think it gets kind of sad.
Later, after he heard this, a confused Bob Hope said,
"Fine, I'll go to another network.
And I'll take my wife Roseanne's show with me."
Wait a second. Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen.
The very best kind of fun you can have is TV fun.
ABC also announced that they were cancelling a long-running favorite, Doogie
Howser.
Doogie, please, please try to contain your grief.
And Doogie is like a 16-year-old doctor.
And on the final episode, and I'm not sure if this is a good idea for a final
show,
but on the final episode, all the other doctors at the hospital took turns
beating the crap out of Doogie.
Now, are you folks like me, are you fascinated by every move, every breath
taken by the royal family?
Yes!
I'm a real...
When it comes to British royalty, I'm kind of a buff.
I'm kind of a maven.
I can't get enough of the comings and goings of the royal family.
Yeah, so now there's a new book out.
When will it end?
Where will it stop?
These poor people haven't.
They've been punished enough.
It turns out now that Buckingham Palace is bugged.
And British authorities are looking into the possibility that somebody has been
listening in on all 