Name: Hal Gurnee's Network Time Killers Collection, Part 1 of 4: 1988
Uploaded: 2020-09-04T16:06:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hal Gurnee's Network Time Killers Collection, Part 1 of 4: 1988' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hal Gurnee's Network Time Killers Collection, Part 1 of 4: 1988' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-04. Transcript available.

Hal Gurnee's Network Time Killers Collection, Part 1 of 4: 1988

We, uh, for those of you who didn't get to see the Spinks-Tyson fight, we have,
do we
have the footage, Hal, from, uh, from HBO?
Okay, this is from Atlantic City last night, and as you know, it was a first-round
knockout
about, uh, one minute, 31 seconds into the bout.
Hal, roll the footage, and then we'll see if we can't take a look at it again
in slow
motion.
All right, uh, devastating punching power.
There, boom, there you go, and you just, unbelievable, I didn't, see, see,
because the producers
are such jerks, and we don't have a writer, so that's the kind of crap you're
gonna have
to put up there.
Right there, that's, that's, we're tapped out, that, that's, what you see there
is the result
of two weeks of meetings, here we go, in slow motion.
Oh, it's a powerful, there we go, okay.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, say hello to our good friend, Mr. Reverend Al Sharpton.
Al, take it away.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, we're back.
We're back.
So, I understand, uh, you were in hell for the last time.
Been in hell.
You know, the whole thing stinks, because, uh, we don't have our writers here
on this show,
and we've been without them for four months, and we're having to do the show
without the
writers, uh, and so I come back today.
Today is the first show.
Yes.
The first show, guess what I hear from NBC?
What's it?
Nothing, nothing.
Not a, not a phone call, not a handshake, not a note, not a card, nothing.
Welcome back, Dave.
Thank you very much, Mr. Wright.
Robert C. Wright.
But I mean, even.
Now, here's Dave.
Thank you.
But I mean, even, now, when I was, when I was married, even, even, I was
married for
like ten years.
That was some time ago.
Some time ago.
That's right, Paul.
Even after the divorce, my wife was kind enough to let me stop by for it.
So, and I just think that.
During the, during the divorce proceedings.
Oh, no, this is after the divorce.
Oh, even after the divorce.
Yeah.
So, I'm saying, so I'm saying, if she could do that for me.
Yeah, yeah.
At least the network could call.
Could something call.
The day that you're going to go back.
Call one of these boneheads, pick up the phone and call.
The day you're going back, unguarded, without your troops around you.
Nothing, I get nothing from these guys.
Not even a basket of fruit?
No, I got a basket of fruit.
Oh, well.
But it, but it wasn't from the Wright guys.
It was from the mysterious department.
What is the name of the department?
Talent Relations.
Talent Relations.
I couldn't be more honored to get something.
That's pretty high up in the machinery here at NBC.
Well, that's what they're in charge of at Talent Relations.
Anyway, did I mention that the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers
are money-grubbing scum?
I think you did.
What else are we doing here?
Oh, oh, do you have any good stories?
I got a great story.
Let's hear it.
You want to hear the story?
Yes.
All right, this is a pretty good story.
This is my Paul Newman story.
Okay.
By the way, you'll be hearing plenty of stories in the next few months.
Oh, here, let me show you these.
Hal Gurney, you know, our director, he had some time on his hands and was doing
some kind of odd experimentation with livestock up in his home in Connecticut.
And we have some photographs here.
I don't know.
These are bred for, I guess, sport and food.
Can we get right in there?
Get a nice tight shot of the...
Okay.
All right, here's my Paul Newman story.
So I go to Indianapolis for the 500-mile race.
It's held every year.
By the way, in doing this, I was able to really anger the wife of the governor
of the state of Indiana.
So ask me about that tomorrow.
Okay.
Let's say that.
So I see Paul.
I'm there with my friends.
I'm there with my friends.
And I see Paul Newman at a certain place at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway,
which is a vast facility.
Huge, enormous, 500,000 people attending this event.
I see Paul Newman.
He's going up a set of stairs.
Listen to how quiet he is.
That's the sign of a good storyteller.
If you can, if you can, yeah, I can.
Oh, look at this.
There's our...
See, we're doing the best we can without writers.
We've added this.
That's our security camera.
Yeah, that guy's up to no good.
So I see...
Now, I'm in show business.
Yes.
And, of course, Paul Newman is in show business.
So I think to myself, I can say hello to Paul Newman and also impress my
friends.
See?
So Paul is dressed all in white.
Well, you're giving me time cues?
Our biggest goal here tonight is to kill time.
What?
No, no.
You should have come to the meeting.
No, we're trying to...
Forget the time cues.
We've got to eat as much time as we possibly can.
Because normally in this position there would be fantastic written comedy.
Thanks to the money-grubbing scum, we don't have any.
So, anyway, Paul, and he's dressed completely in white.
He's got white pants, a white shirt, and a little white hat.
He looked like an extra on the love boat.
But I know it's Paul Newman, because there's no mistaking this man.
So, and we're about five feet away.
I'll stand up for no apparent reason.
And I'm surrounded by my little friends that I've brought to the Indianapolis
Motor Speedway
to try and impress them with what's going on.
Paul Newman walks over, and he makes a right turn and goes up a flight of
stairs.
And I said, hi, Paul.
All right.
Now, Paul says and does this.
He continues to walk.
This is what Paul does.
Uh.
How are we doing on time now?
I know, I know, we get all the time.
And this strike may go on until Christmas.
So I hear.
So I'm going to ask every member of the staff, Paul, you and the band,
if UKIs can't come up with stories.
They don't have to be as good as the Paul Newman story.
But as this unfolds, we'll call on you to help kill a little time here.
Hal, how are things in the control room there?
Take care.
Fine.
Yeah.
Hal, I understand you've planned a little something for tonight to help us kill
some time.
Yeah, a little surprise for you then.
Oh, good, a little surprise.
What will it be, Hal?
Come on under control.
I have a for you.
Uh-huh.
It's Hal Grooney, by the way, our director, ladies and gentlemen.
There's Hal right there.
What's the surprise, Hal?
Bring the lights up, please.
Dave, I don't know if you know it, but Pete Fadovich, our...
Excuse me, Hal, are you guys growing mushrooms in there?
Let me see us now.
Oh, video.
Bring the lights up.
Okay.
Dave, did you know that Pete Fadovich plays the accordion?
Thank you.
Gee, you know, Hal, I didn't have the slightest clue, Hal.
Well, I thought I was a little surprised for you.
Take four again.
All right, Pete, you're going to...
There's Pete back there, and you're going to...
Pete, what are you going to play for us tonight?
A little Lady of Spain.
What is it, Hal?
Lady of Spain, Dave.
Okay.
Take care.
Take care.
All right, go ahead, Pete, any time.
There we go.
All right.
Just anything to kill a little time here.
That's all we're really trying to accomplish,
is to eat up some valuable network time.
Okay, that's Pete Fadovich playing Lady of Spain.
That's it?
Okay.
Well, there you.
Got another pretty good indication of what you're in for here tonight, folks.
Listen, I just wanted to let you know we're back on the air.
Oh, that's terrific.
When are you going to start?
Okay, fine, Dave.
Nice talking with you.
Take care.
Nice talking to you, David.
Bye-bye.
Okay, that's the programming department.
All right, Paul, your story now?
I was in Louisiana.
Yeah.
Where they're very proud of Bridget Jackson, by the way.
Who works on this program, sure.
Yes, she's a Louisiana gal.
They're very, very proud of how she's done.
Well, I was working on my record, you know,
which is kind of a regional thing,
and I was down there working on that.
But you know how show business sometimes intersects
with other forms of the business.
I spent some time with the guy, his name is Bob Vernon.
He's the guy who negotiated the contract for Deborah Murphy
and to appear in Penthouse Magazine and recreate those poses, you know.
Is this a story we could tell?
That she allegedly...
Well, let's just say that Mr. Vernon, the agent, assured me
that TV evangelists do more than lay people.
And that's what I learned in Louisiana.
And after all, there are no writers on the show.
They do more than lay people.
Well, what is...
I hear Pete screaming.
Why is Pete screaming in there?
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, despite the fact that we're functioning
under the handicap of no writers,
we have a brand-new television segment for you.
And it's something we like to call...
What do we call on this one?
I don't have it written down.
What?
Oh, here it comes.
Here it is right here.
Our brand-new segment.
That's right.
Hal Gurney's Network Time Killers.
Paul, do you have music for this?
That was the music for that?
Yeah.
Okay.
It's got lyrics, though.
All right.
You have lyrics?
Yeah.
They're Hal.
Gurney's Network Time Killers.
And just in time.
There's our beloved director, Hal Gurney.
Hal, congratulations on having your very own segment.
What can you tell us about this?
Well, Dave, we're all doing our best to keep going
while the writers are out, you know.
Uh-huh.
And I thought the first thing we'd do
is something we worked up called
This Day in History.
This Day in History.
You've probably heard this on maybe radio shows.
So this will be entertaining and informative, eh, Hal?
Well, yeah.
I would get some pad and pencils out
if you want to take this information out.
Okay.
This Day in History.
Yeah.
And this is fresh from the AP wire, Dan.
Uh-huh.
All right, uh, in, uh, in 1776, the Virginia State Constitution was adopted.
Right.
And Patrick Henry was the made governor.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, let's see.
Oh, actress Ruth Wark is, uh, 72 today.
72.
Congratulations.
Well, a happy birthday to Ruth.
Nice going, Hal.
Take two, please.
Do you have anything else, Hal, there for your, uh, network time killer debut?
Uh, yeah.
Take four.
Uh, for the ladies, Dave, I thought maybe we'd show a little, uh, uh, tape we
have on menu
helpers.
Oh, menu helpers.
Uh, Terry, why don't you roll that?
Here it comes.
Okay.
I particularly like this.
All right, let's see.
...to prepare a five-day menu.
For instance, let's imagine it's Monday, and Mrs. Homemaker wants to prepare a
taste-tempting
meatloaf.
Here's all she has to add to the ground beef.
This new cooking sauce contains all the needed ingredients, specially blended.
Mix it, shape it, pop it in the oven for an hour.
And she's created a superb main-dish meal.
Gee, that's, that's great, Hal.
That's very nice.
We have more of those, Dave.
We have five all together.
Excuse me, Hal.
Yeah, Dave.
So we could have one of those each night, maybe.
Sure.
Let me ask you one question, Hal, and then I think you're going to turn it over
to, uh,
Pete for some music.
Our associate director, Pete Fadovich.
You're not wearing a brand-new shirt, are you, Hal?
How'd you know?
How'd you know?
I think we can still see the folds in that.
No, no.
That's the way it's folded.
Would you widen out, please?
Sorry, yeah.
All right, Hal, listen, congratulations on this wonderful new segment.
I think it's really going to take off like there was a Ryder Guild strike.
Yeah.
Uh, and then we have music to pay it off.
Is that correct?
Right.
Uh, Pete, uh, what do you have for us tonight?
Pete Fadovich, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, Lady of Spain, Hal.
Did you hear that, Dave?
Lady of Spain?
Lady of Spain, Dave.
All right, Lady of Spain.
Take it away, Pete.
Pete, pick it up a little bit.
Pete, a little faster, will ya?
Pick it up a bit.
Wow, that is the lamest.
Uh, okay, we're going to do a commercial, and then we'll begin this, uh, festivity
here
on TV for you in a matter of minutes.
Come on, back.
Thank you, Tony.
Uh, let's see.
What else should we discuss?
Uh, I'm going to tell a story.
Oh, good.
Last night you told a story?
Yes.
Tonight I'll tell a story.
This is because we have no professional comedy writers working for us.
Exactly, that's right.
We have no material, no prepared, uh