Name: Hal Gurnee's Network Time Killers Collection, Part 2 of 4: 1988-89
Uploaded: 2020-09-05T01:45:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hal Gurnee's Network Time Killers Collection, Part 2 of 4: 1988-89' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hal Gurnee's Network Time Killers Collection, Part 2 of 4: 1988-89' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-05. Transcript available.

Hal Gurnee's Network Time Killers Collection, Part 2 of 4: 1988-89

What is today? Tuesday? Wednesday? Huh? Wednesday. Wednesday, yes. What a
program we have. Jimmy
McDonald is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Also, Connie Chung. You know, I
didn't realize
this. Connie Chung is here with her husband. Do you know who she's married to?
Morton Downey,
Jr.? Maury Povich. Huh? Maury Povich. It's not the guy with the screaming and
the... No. It's not
Morton Downey. No, it is. It's Morton Downey, Jr. No, no. I don't know. She's
not married to
Morton Downey, Jr. She's not. No, she's not. Maury Povich. Also on the program
tonight, Tom
Cruz is here. Now, Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Schaefer. Well,
so Tom
Cruz is here today. Yeah, you know what really kind of upsets me? What's that?
For about the
last hour here in the hallways, it's just, it's packed with women. Yeah. Young
women, older
women. A lot of them made up to a greater degree than they normally would be.
That's right.
Well, normally, we don't see them down here. Normally, it's like a monastery in
these halls
normally. But today, suddenly, babes aplenty. It's wall-to-wall babes. A lot of
gals around
here, yeah. So? We have, oh, Hal Gurney. Hal, are you in there? Right here it
is. Hal, do
you have another one of your delightful network time killers for us tonight?
Sure. These are
a lot of fun. Paul, do you have the music for that? Hal Gurney, ladies and
gentlemen,
our director with one of his very exciting network time killers. Hi, Dave.
Hello, Paul.
There's Hal right there. Hi, Hal. How are you doing? Fine. Can you hear me? Yes,
Hal. We
can hear you. All right. Thank you. Dave, you know, this is more a set of a
time killer. It's
more of a public service tonight. Well, that's good, Hal. You've been hearing
about the Abe
Pagoda scandal controversy. You know, the rumor... What is the controversy
surrounding Abe Pagoda?
Well, the rumors are that he died. People thought he died? Yeah, but look at
this. I mean, this
fine paper is refuting that. And he's not dead at all. In fact, he's right here
in our control
room. Abe? Abe is there in the control room? Yeah. Oh, my God, it is. It's...
What does this mean? People shrieking for Tom Cruise and also shrieking for Abe
Pagoda. I'm
alive. Abe, how are you? Nice to see you. Oh, yeah. Thank you, David, for
having me. Yes,
What have you been doing? Yes, I'm alive. I beg your pardon? I say, what have
you been
doing? Oh, I just finished a movie in Vancouver, Canada. Right. Daddy's home. I
played a hundred
year old grandfather to John Travolta. Well, that's good. On Sunday, I fly to
Florida, Orlando,
Florida. I do Superboy. I'm a guest on that one, a new TV series. So, Abe, you're
anything
but dead. Thank you. And, you know, I don't mean to be insensitive about this,
but people
are going to be looking at this and they're going to say, well, he really is
dead. The
tape has been doctored. It's old videotape. It's some kind of special effects.
They've
worked out some way to present this phony evidence that Abe is still alive. Is
there
anything, Hal, that you and Abe can do that would prove for once and for all
that the man
is still with us? Well, Dave, there's always the old mirror test. You know how
that works?
A little breath on the mirror and prove that life is still there? Yeah, try
that if you
will, Hal. So, this ought to silence the skeptics. Dave, there it is.
Well, take care. Take care.
Abe Vigoda.
Thanks, Hal. Thank you very much, Abe. Well, that's good news. Abe Vigoda is
not dead.
Let's see. Oh, and last night, you know, Bridget Jackson, who has been with us
for three
years, is going to get married in a couple of weeks. And we thought what we
would do is have
her on the program each night between now and the date of her wedding. And this
way, she
accumulates a lot of money. And that would be our gift to Bridget and her, your
husband
to be, what is his name? Hunter Huckabee. Hunter Huckabee. Come on over, Bridget,
and you
can talk with us.
Thank you.
Hello out there. Hi. Oh, hi. Oh, hello. David. Swell suit, I must say. It's GQ.
Did I
mention that we weren't on vacation last week? I was in Indiana, Indiana
serving with my National
Garden? You did mention that. Yeah, you got one of those. You're not buying it,
Anton.
Thanks, anyway. So? Huh? We're back. We're back. We've been off for a week, and
here we
are. Here was our schedule the last couple of months. We came back. We worked.
How many
weeks did we work? We worked two weeks. Yeah. And then we took a week off. Yeah.
And now
we're back. How? And we have two weeks off coming up thanks to the Olympics.
And then
we'll be right back. And then we're off because of the World Series. We won't
be on because
of the World Series. Huh? And we won't be on because of the Super Bowl. That's
great.
But we're working Sundays to try and make some of this up. Yeah. And they're
starting those
Leave it to Beaver reruns, so we will not be on. I'm feeling low-gey. I can
tell. You
know what it is? It's for being off for a week, and then suddenly it's 5.30 on
a Tuesday
afternoon. Boom. We've got a big show. We've got a lovely audience. We've got a
big show,
and I'm feeling low-gey. Is it hot? I haven't detected that it's hot. Now, wait
a minute.
Huh? 5.30. Don't we do this live? Uh, you do. You're doing it live.
So, uh, hey, wait a minute. This thing's not working in here. My aquarium went
dead. We've
got a problem here, huh? Get somebody in there? Look at this. Now it's just a
black hole. Look
at that. It's a... See, it's supposed to be... Normally that would be a thing
for me to look
at. There's nothing in there to look at, is there? This only adds to my loginess.
That
should be full of colored water and lovely tropical fish. Or as we say in
Indiana, fish.
Oh, I have something, by the way. Yes, Paul. I have something. I'm just logie.
I'll get
to it in a minute. We have a guest musician in the band. Oh, sure. Let's
introduce our guest
musician. Some people call him the space cowboy. That's right. Some people call
him a gangster
of love. Some people call him Maurice. Maurice. Steve Miller is with us this
evening. Say hello.
He's the greatest. One of the classics. The great Steve Miller.
Nice to see you, Steve. So I'm on vacation last week. I'm going to tell a story
now.
Please do. And I go to this little roadside market to buy things you buy at a
roadside
market. I'm not going to bore you with what I purchased because it's just silliness,
but
you all have been to roadside markets and you've made your own individual
purchases and therefore
you don't need any more information on this topic. And I see a woman standing
there shopping,
also purchasing items at a roadside market. Nice, nice looking woman. Tall. And
she's wearing
what appears to be a bathing suit, a swimsuit, a bikini, a two-piece deal. And
she has the
bottoms on, obviously. Yes. I mean, you wouldn't go out without those on, would
you? Probably.
No. And on top, she's got some kind of flimsy thing that hangs from her neck.
It's suspended
from somewhere up here and it hangs down and maybe it's whipped around like
that. So it's hanging
and whipped. Well, it sounds like a pretty good idea, doesn't it? So, I think
originally
it was a hunting magazine in the 50s, wasn't it? Hanging and whipped. So I
looked at her
and she looked at me and we sort of said hello. And I'd seen her at this little
market a couple
of times and we started chatting and it turns out that this woman was an agent
from Los Angeles.
And moreover, we had some mutual friends. So we chatted for a moment or two
about our mutual
friends. And that was it. That was the extent of the little intervention there
at the roadside
market. So she got in her car, I got in my car, and she took off down one road
and I took
off coincidentally, but not knowing this, down the same road. And a few, I
guess less than
a quarter of a mile, I notice a car has pulled off the side of the road and I
see out the window
this, an arm waving. And it turns out it's the same woman in her car. So I,
thinking that there
might be trouble with the car, I thought there might be trouble. There might
have been trouble.
Could have very well have been.
Yeah. So I pull over, she opens the door, and she jumps out of the car. Now, as
she jumps out of the
car, this little hanging and whip deal gets caught on, on something in her car.
So as she stands up,
yeah. She just jerks herself topless. Nicely put, yes. So then what happened?
Well,
that was it. I mean, and she, and she's standing there at the side of the road
topless, you see.
So did either of you refer to this at all? Well, she did. She was terribly
embarrassed,
and I felt awfully uncomfortable for her. And she said twice, she said this
twice, she said,
uh, I, uh, uh, I, I, I normally don't do this. And then, and then, like, maybe
I didn't hear it,
she said it again, uh, normally I wouldn't be doing this.
So, uh. Hmm? I'm sorry? So? So what? So that was the story. So how, how were
her.
Wasn't that what you, now I had a nice little story to tell from the true life
annals of my dull,
mundane, silly, stinking little life. And it was a cute story because she was
so embarrassed. And now
you have to do that in front of Steve Miller, who put his suit on for tonight's
show.
I know, he's shocked, too. Yeah. Let's see if, uh, our director Hal Gurney has
a little something
planned for us tonight. Hal, do you have something that, uh, we might be
interested in hearing on
the show? It's our director, ladies and gentlemen, Hal Gurney. Oh, good.
Hi, Dave. Hi, hi, Hal. How you doing? Dave, a special... Excuse me, Hal. Yes,
Dave. Can you hear me?
Dave, can you hear me? Yes, I can. I hear you fine. All right. Let's go on,
then. Okay, Dave.
Uh, a special treat tonight, Dave. Uh, say farewell to Logieness.
I'm sorry? Say farewell to Logieness. All right. We're...
You've got plenty of Logieness before, I mean, you're going to forget about
that. Okay.
Uh, tonight we have... Hal has a cure for Logieness, Paul. Right, here it comes.
It's
Zamphir, master of the pan flute. Oh, my God. Zamphir, master of the pan flute.
There you go, Dave. Thank you very much, Hal. Thank you. Thank you.
Zamphir, master of the pan flute. That was gorgeous. Yeah, yeah. It was the
real guy, too.
Yeah, it was Zamphir, master of the pan flute. The actual... Yeah, he was here
rehearsing
all day, and we kept getting calls from kennels saying, something's bothering
the dogs.
Right.
I...
Zamphir.
Now, I didn't mean to tell that story because it was what you thought. I know,
you were telling
it very... Because I felt badly for the poor woman who was suddenly on the side
of the road
standing there topless. I just, I'm sorry, there was some information that I
felt was missing,
and it's, you know, sometimes you misjudge a thing. Well, see, for me, that's a
pretty good
story. It was a lovely story, I'm sure. It was a lovely story. I'll tell it
again around
the holidays. Well, we've lost the audience for good now. Well, you know who's
on the show
tonight, though? Seriously, you have any idea who's on the show tonight? Bob
Costas, ladies
and gentlemen, is on our program.
Get it out of here. Get it out of here. Go ahead, get it out of here. Get it
out of here
now. What? Just get it out of here now. What happened? No, just take it up.
Just get it
out of here now. No, just go ahead. Get it out of here. Just fly it out of here.
Get it out. Just lift it out of here. Rope is broken. Rope is broken. Okay. So,
for
the next... We have to do the whole show with that. The next hour, we have this.
Like doing
a show from Mount Rushmore, isn't it? Let's do our top ten list and get out of
here. Tonight,
the category from the home office in Lincoln, Nebraska top ten list is Dan Quayle's
top ten
National Guard duties. Now, these are not the duties of the National Guard.
These are Dan
Quayle's duties while in the National Guard. Here we go. Number ten. Make sure
Armory's
vending machines never run out of pretzel sticks. Number nine. Look through
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