Name: Hal Gurnee's Network Time Killers Collection, Part 3 of 4: 1990-91
Uploaded: 2020-09-05T16:33:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hal Gurnee's Network Time Killers Collection, Part 3 of 4: 1990-91' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hal Gurnee's Network Time Killers Collection, Part 3 of 4: 1990-91' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-05. Transcript available.

Hal Gurnee's Network Time Killers Collection, Part 3 of 4: 1990-91

David, thank you very much.
On behalf of the musicians in the orchestra,
we welcome you to your own show.
Thank you very much. Nice to be here.
Nice to see you, sir.
I'm very excited about tonight's program.
Are you? Why is that, sir?
Because of a surprise.
There's a surprise tonight?
You wouldn't think that as long as we've been on the air
that there would be many surprises we could have on this show.
I think we have done everything in the past eight and a half years.
No, no, no. We have a little surprise tonight,
and I'm very excited about it.
Is it a girl?
No, well, no.
I'm not going to say anything because it's a wonderful surprise.
When are we going to see the surprise?
No, no, no. You're going to ruin the surprise.
Okay. All right. I won't mention it anymore.
You know, let me ask you a question, Paul.
You live in an apartment probably.
Yes, I do.
And you have plumbing.
You have, like, a shower.
You have, like, a bathtub.
You have, like, a kitchen sink.
You have, like, a bathroom sink.
All right.
What's the most common complaint about plumbing
that you might have here in New York City?
Drippy faucet.
All right. What would be the second most common complaint?
Rust coming out of the...
All right. The third most common complaint you have.
What is it?
What is it?
No hot water.
Ah. That's... Of course.
Yeah.
Always.
Yeah.
That would be the most common.
Move it right to the top of the list.
Okay, yeah.
The most common complaint would be no hot water.
Now, my faucet, my plumbing, and my bathroom here at NBC, just the opposite.
I have no cold water.
No cold water.
I can't get cold water.
That's right.
For the last three days, you turn on the hot, there it is.
It's like that joke.
Maybe that's the problem.
Maybe that is...
You turn on the left thing, and you get plenty of hot water.
Steam and hot water comes right out of there, and you can shave, shower,
whatever the hell
you want to do.
You turn on the right, you know, like you're going to rinse your teeth when you're
brushing
or something.
It's just as hot as the one on the left.
I've scalded my gum several times.
Let me ask you this.
Do you wash your hair in that hot water?
Well, in the shower, you can kind of modulate it.
You want it to be warm in the shower.
I see.
Because that would frizz your hair right up, you know.
Hot water.
Yes, yes, yes.
And don't some of us wish we had hair to frizz?
I know.
Thank you very much.
I know.
Oh, for that.
Bravo.
Bravo.
Really.
Bravo for that.
Really.
That was fabulous.
Yes, sir.
What a cheap shot.
You know, look at this skyline.
This is interesting.
Hal, can you get a nice, tight shot of one of the...
This building right here in front.
This is a brand new skyline.
And look for the summer.
These people have put out their little patio furniture.
Isn't that nice?
They have their shrubs.
Can you...
Oh, there.
Can you get...
And then they have their table, and then they have their chair and stuff like
that.
That's kind of cute.
And wait a minute.
Oh, Hal, take another shot of that.
There's somebody out there on the roof now.
Who is that?
Get a look at that.
Can you...
Oh, there's Paul.
Who knew that that would be a...
Paul, how are you doing?
It's me, Dave.
Can you see me?
Paul.
Yeah, there.
That's cute.
It is.
It's gone nuts tonight, hasn't it?
It is.
It's a little...
It's that hot water.
It has a mind of its own.
What are we...
Oh, oh, oh.
Maybe now it's time for the surprise.
Oh, great.
What is the surprise?
Well, let's see.
Ladies and gentlemen, hang on to something.
Get ready for big-time TV fun.
It's time once again for another Hal Gurney's Network Time Killers.
Hal?
Hi, Dave.
Hi, Hal.
How are you doing?
Fine, Dave.
How's the summer going?
Terrific.
So far, just great.
What do you do to keep cool?
Well, just hang out here in the control room.
That's all.
Good idea.
All right, Hal, what do you have planned for us tonight on your big network
time killer?
Let me ask you, Dave.
Yeah.
Do you like dominoes?
Do I like dominoes?
Lord God in heaven above, you know I do more than anything.
Right.
Well, then you're going to get a kick out of this.
There's something I call Wow Giant Dominoes.
Wow Giant Dominoes.
Dominoes, yeah.
And, Dave, I'm going to need your help.
Take care.
What do I do?
Just go out in the hall.
Go out in the hall.
And it'll be obvious what you have to do.
Okay.
Wow Giant Dominoes.
Here we go.
I'll be right back, folks.
Pardon me.
Move it, Dave.
Oh, man, oh, sorry.
Wow Giant Dominoes.
Good Lord, look at these giant dominoes.
Stand by.
Stand by, Dave.
All right, here I am.
Okay, Irma.
Are we ready?
Yep.
We're ready.
Are we all set?
Kill them, Irma.
Okay, here we go.
Wow Giant Dominoes.
Did it work?
Did it work?
Can we see it again?
I didn't get to see it, Hal.
Me and my hair were out in the hallway.
There we go.
Oh, man.
Oh, Sam Peckinpah.
Sam Peckinpah.
They don't have that on this week with David Brinkley.
Oh, you're not going to see that there.
That was...
Let's do our top ten list and then begin the program.
See, that was a little surprise.
What did you say?
That was a great surprise.
Cute, eh?
Here we go.
Tonight's category, top ten other campaign promises George Bush has broken.
You know, now, Paul, it looks like they may be in new taxes.
So I understand.
Or at least trying to squeeze more revenue out of the existing tax program.
You said the T word.
Yeah, that's right.
In the campaign, of course, it was read my lips, no new taxes.
Here we go.
Top ten other campaign promises Bush may have broken.
Number ten, birthday joyride on stealth bomber for every U.S. citizen.
See, there you go.
Number nine, go ten rounds with Dukakis at Trump Plaza.
Number eight.
To eat his own weight in birdseed twice a day.
Number seven, add mechanical shark attraction to White House tour.
Well, that fell through.
Number six, a pony for quail.
Number five.
Number five, add golden girls to Mount Rushmore.
Number four, to introduce a Brazilian dance craze with real staying power.
Number three, provide big-name guests fresh new comedy every night.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's a promise that I have broken.
I don't know how that got in there.
Number two, that NBC's Baywatch would stay on the air forever.
And the number one campaign promise George Bush has broken nude Elvis postage
stamp.
All right, here's who's on the big program tonight, ladies and gentlemen, from
Murphy Brown, Robert Pastorelli,
Johnny Clegg and Svuka from South Africa, and also noted columnist George Will.
So watch the commercial and then come on back.
What are you up to for the rest of the summer?
The rest of the summer, I was looping the, going back to loop the Kevin Costner
movie that I did.
There was a film, Dances with Wolves.
You had some voice work in there?
The film I did, Dances with Wolves.
He told me to say hi to you.
Oh, he did not.
Yeah, he did.
He's good.
He says it will get along well because Kevin doesn't suffer fools graciously.
He says, tell David we should get along well.
He was on the show, right?
Yeah, yeah.
He was a very nice guy also.
All right, now, you want to go out and push the dominoes?
Yeah.
Okay, here.
I'll just point you in the direction.
Where'd you go?
Come on.
Head out here.
Hurry.
Thank you.
You just go down there.
Go down there.
Hurry.
All the way down.
Make a left turn.
We'll let you know.
Hurry.
Harry's going to go out there and push the giant dominoes.
Oh, all right.
That's a long hauler.
Stop!
He's got my wallet!
All right.
You ready?
Go ahead, Hal.
Cue him whenever you're ready.
Here we go.
The giant dominoes.
Oh, man.
Come on, Jamie.
I'm going to do this in the hallway.
Oh!
All right.
Hey, all right.
Come on, Jamie.
You guys can be right back.
It is.
It is.
It is.
What?
She's not a bull.
She's a bullfighter.
I understand that.
Also on the program, Catherine O'Hara is here.
Is this where they do Phantom in here?
Also on the program, a very funny young man, Mr. Jeff Altman.
That's on the show tonight.
There's now a fellow to our friend, Bette Sussman.
Come on, Bryce.
Good night to see you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
We had a pleasure to have you.
Thank you for joining us again this evening.
Will, as always, nice to have you.
Antoine, nice to see you.
Huh?
Santa?
This is, uh, now, this is, uh, Bette Sussman.
She's filling in tonight because, because Paul, uh, is not here tonight.
But Paul will be back tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night.
Paul will be back tomorrow night, and we'll be happy to have Paul.
Morty, how are we doing with the big show?
Uh, we're going to do, uh, the quiz.
Okay, you know, ladies and gentlemen, something now is transpiring.
That, that, this is the very nature of this program.
Right up to the last minute, things are being formed to show you a little bit
later.
Things are developing right now.
Is that correct, Morty?
That's right.
Something, and is it going to be a delightful surprise?
It'll be a delightful surprise if the tests work.
Oh, oh, we're doing the testing right now?
We're experimenting.
Oh, man.
Oh, there.
Well, well, now we're, no, it's no longer, it's no longer a surprise anymore.
Oh, Morty.
The tests worked.
Yeah, the tests worked.
Oh, the tests did work?
I guess so.
But there's no surprise to it now.
No.
Oh, brother.
I don't know what that thing is.
You have no idea what that is?
You folks, did you know what you're looking at there?
No.
Yeah, but you thought that was a spider, remember?
Okay, all right, so they don't know what it is.
So a little bit later, maybe we'll see this.
Yes, sir.
Oh, it's going to be good.
It's going to be good.
I'm only sorry Paul isn't here to see this tonight, but Paul will be back
tomorrow,
and that's Bette Sussman.
You know, very odd, very odd.
So I'm driving to work this morning, and oh, by the way, by the way, the West
Side Highway
is gone.
Forget about it.
Did you hear about this?
That's right.
Somebody set fire to the West Side Highway.
It's gone.
Now, I find out about this en route to work this morning.
You hear on the little report that came in, the helicopter traffic report.
By the way, the West Side Highway is gone.
It's on fire.
It burned down.
It's out of here.
So I'm taking a different route to work, and as a result, I was like an hour
late, and
I'm coming down Broadway, and I get to about Broadway and 53rd Street, and I'm
stopped because
of the light, and people are crossing in the crosswalk.
Millions of people back and forth, all kinds of people, men, women, young, old,
big, small,
large, whatever.
And finally, I see like three adult people who look to me like they're Japanese.
A man, two men, and an adult woman.
And they're all carrying golf bags across the, right there at 53rd and Broadway.
It's a dinner city golf game.
I don't know.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, what?
It's what?
Morty, is it ready?
So they tell me.
Why, you tell me.
You tell me.
Should we do it?
Because look, ladies and gentlemen, we could do this, or we could do the little
Morty thing.
Well, oh.
All right.
Let me get a beverage here to steal my nerves, because I don't want to screw
this up.
Hmm.
Okay, I'm ready to go.
Ladies and gentlemen, as that unmistakable music tells us once again, yes, it's
time for
another Hal Gurney, Network Time Killer.
Going into the control room.
Hi.
Hi, Hal.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, Dave.
How are you, Hal?
Good.
Dave, tonight...
Wait a minute, Hal.
How's your summer?
It's been pretty rotten so far, Dave.
The humidity.
Yeah, the humidity just takes it right out of you, doesn't it, Hal?
I don't mind the heat.
It's the humidity that kills you now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, tonight, Dave, I thought it would be an educational and entertaining to
see a big rubber
raft inflated inside an NBC elevator.
Do you want to see that now?
Wait a minute, let's get this straight, Hal.
It's going to be a large inflatable raft.
Right.
Is it like a six-man raft, an eight-man raft?
It's a six-man raft.
Okay, inflated in an NBC elevator.
That's right.
Oh, man.
Do you want to see it now?
God bless you, Hal Gurney.
All right.
Thanks, Dave.
Yes, let's 