Name: Ask Mr. Melman Collection on Letterman, Part 1 of 3: 1983-84
Uploaded: 2020-09-13T21:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ask Mr. Melman Collection on Letterman, Part 1 of 3: 1983-84' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ask Mr. Melman Collection on Letterman, Part 1 of 3: 1983-84' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-13. Transcript available.

Ask Mr. Melman Collection on Letterman, Part 1 of 3: 1983-84

Thank you very much.
My first guest tonight is considered to be one of the most trusted people in
American broadcasting.
He is heard on over 120 radio stations.
He helps callers solve problems that they cannot cope with,
everything from squirrels in the attic to dishonest landlords in the attic.
Welcome, please, ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Bernard Meltzer.
Happy to meet you, sir.
Have a seat, if you will, doctor.
I must tell you that I've been enjoying your radio show, and I have a question.
In honor of this occasion, I put on my bow tie.
It looks very nice.
It isn't every day that I have the honor of appearing on a David Letterman show.
Oh, that's right.
Thank you.
Let me ask you what kind of a doctor you are.
Oh, field of economics.
So this is a Ph.D. degree?
Yeah.
And how did a gentleman who is an expert in economics become a radio talk show
host?
Well, actually, of course, I started out way back a long time ago
when I was a lot younger and a lot more handsome as a civil engineer.
And then I went through a number of professions as a city planner, as a banker,
as an economist, as a financial expert,
as a professor, and a couple of other things.
Now, how did you get from that to being on radio?
Well, the way I got to be on radio is when the stories of, let's say, Hollywood
usually tells stories like this.
In Philadelphia is WCAU, CBS, it's a talk station.
Powerful, 50,000 watt.
Clear channel.
What happened is, one Friday night, a chap who has a program every Saturday
morning comes to them and says,
I have news for you.
I just got a phone call.
I have a new job.
Goodbye.
I'm leaving.
So they got very panicky after all Saturday morning.
So they thought of Bernard Meltzer because I had been a guest on there a number
of times.
And they said, would you please take it?
And not only that, but they gave me $50.
That made me a professional.
Yeah.
You understand that?
And you get paid.
Anyway, I took the program.
I got through.
I started at 10, got through at 12.
I walked out.
And I said to the station manager, how did I do?
And he said, Meltzer, he says, I don't know how to tell you this.
I said, I've been in radio for a long time.
Your program that you've just done by far is the worst program I've ever heard
in my life.
That's how I got started.
Yeah.
But if a guy tells you that it's the worst program, how do you get to come back
the next night?
Well, what happened was I walked out very, very depressed.
Depressed, more than that.
I was supposed to come back the next Saturday.
And I said, goodbye, I'm not coming back.
Friday morning, the phone rang.
He said, are you coming in tomorrow?
And I said, stop making fun.
And I hung up.
He called again.
He says, are you coming in tomorrow?
And I said, my ego trip is over.
He said, I'm coming down to talk to you.
And he walked in.
And he said, unless you come back tomorrow, you threaten my job.
Now you listen when somebody says that.
I said, tell me what happened.
He said, first of all, he says, remember I told you you stammered and stuttered
and ruined every commercial?
He said, I expected to have make goods for everyone.
Make goods meaning people wanting their money back or make good on the spot.
You screwed up.
Or do it over again.
Yeah.
And he said, the surprising thing is nobody wants to make good.
In fact, to get rid of them, he said, I quoted a rate double and triple of what
we're charging.
He says they're willing to pay it.
That's money, by the way.
So a radio legend was born right then and there.
And not only that, but the thing that also happened, CBS had a secret team in
town to survey the station.
He didn't know it.
And they sent a report up to New York saying, this man is a good communicator.
Don't lose him.
So just chance.
And now you're not only in New York, but you're all over the country, right?
Yes, on NBC TalkNet.
Yeah.
We're coast to coast.
And you answer questions about anything, right?
Well, almost anything.
Not quite everything.
Have you ever had this advice that you dispensed backfire on you?
Somebody later come back to you and said, you know something, I should not have
listened to you and had my elbow removed or whatever.
Not that I know of.
Yeah.
And I had close calls, but nothing like that ever happened.
People actually come to the lobby of the radio station and ask you to take care
of things, don't they?
Well, yes.
See, what we do on the show, we extend what I call a helping hand to those who
need help.
When you have a powerful 50,000-watt microphone in front of you, you can do
things for people that they can't do themselves.
Big things, little things.
For example, somebody's fighting with a department.
Let me interrupt you here, Doctor, because we're having some time trouble.
Maybe you can help us with that, by the way.
We're going to do a commercial, and we'll be back, and Dr. Bernard Meltzer will
finish this story.
And then we have questions from the audience.
Welcome back to the program.
This is Dr. Bernard Meltzer, and tell us what you were beginning to tell us
there, and I interrupted you.
My mind has gone blank.
Yeah, mine too, come to think of it.
But what was...
Anybody remember what we were talking about?
It was the...
Oh, people come down into the lobby and ask you to help them out down there.
Oh, I started...
Thank you, Steve.
Will, thank you.
I started to say we use the powerful microphone to help people of all segments,
big and little.
And very often we have very, let's say, tragic cases where people will wait in
the lobby for me because they need immediate help.
I do whatever I can.
I'm glad to do it.
So you actually, you don't try and duck out the back like Joe Namath did
earlier?
No.
My problem is getting out of the studio.
See, very often it takes two, three hours to get out of the studio.
Oh, yeah, I can imagine that.
Well, that must be a nerve frazzling.
No, you know, remember old Harry Truman said, if you can't stand the heat, get
out of the kitchen?
Right.
This is the price you pay.
Yeah.
And you pay that price.
All right.
Do you want to tell us what happened or do you want to take questions?
I'll do anything you say.
You're the boss.
Okay.
There's apparently some conjecture on that point, too.
But let's just go right.
We have studio audience members fill out these questionnaires.
And this is similar to what you do on your radio program.
This is question number one.
We have squirrels out on our terrace.
And obviously brought one with them tonight.
We just heard the squirrel.
Yeah, we just heard it.
Nothing we've done to get rid of them has worked.
We're going nuts.
Oh, that's cute.
Help.
Now, what's the solution to get rid of the squirrels on the terrace?
Well, of course, the squirrels are getting in the house somehow or other.
They're actually in the house.
Well, on the terrace.
Where are they?
Well, no.
They're outside.
Well, you can leave them outside, can't you?
If they're outside, you have no problem.
That's right.
Don't feed them.
Don't feed them and they won't come back?
That's right.
Now, if they get inside, how does she get rid of them?
Well, if they get inside, they're feeding your porch.
Well, ma'am, don't you think that'll kill them?
You get enough cement and the squirrels, and they'll be gone.
What if they get inside the house?
Well, if they get inside the house, you have to find out how they get in.
Yeah.
And you've...
No, this is important.
It's very hard.
It's very hard.
The squirrels have a way of getting in which you can't find.
You've got to find how they get in.
You have to drive them out and close it up, and then they won't come back.
That's all.
Okay.
It sounds silly, but it's true.
But now they're eating her terrace.
Now, what can they do if they get them to stop eating the terrace?
Well, stop feeding them.
No, they're not feeding.
You're not feeding these squirrels, are you?
Oh, by the way, is your terrace consists of what?
What kind of terrace?
Radishes?
The wood floor.
Wood floor?
They're eating the wood.
They eat bogged wire.
Squirrels are eating bogged wire.
Are you sure you're not confusing termites with...
Are they wearing gang jackets?
These are...
Give me a minute.
Tough neighborhood.
But getting rid of squirrels can be a difficult problem.
I'm sorry to make light of this.
I have a 50-year-old supervisor who continually makes sexual passes at me.
If I meet with her in her office, she is very seductive.
What should I do?
If I want a promotion, should I comply?
I don't want to break her heart, but I do want to move up the corporate ladder.
The corporate ladder.
This is from a young man, a 25-year-old male.
Well, he has a very tough decision to make.
One will affect his life, you see.
And that's a personal decision.
We don't ever give that kind of advice.
You know why?
You never give this kind of advice?
No, you don't give that kind of advice.
You back off it because you are in a personal situation.
Different people react differently.
To a situation like that.
I don't know.
We don't usually run across problems like that.
Oh, really?
You don't handle it?
I thought you handled everything.
You don't handle it.
No, not quite everything.
Okay.
Let's move on.
I hope that clears it up for you, sir.
Do we have time for one more here?
All right.
Have a loose...
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You can't ever read that, can you?
No, it's difficult to read there.
Have a loose rear axle bearing in housing.
Can't be fixed with an oversized...
Can it be fixed with an oversized bearing?
Let's pass that off.
You do this...
No, I don't want to make you nervous, doctor, but you're 0 for 3.
I'm not an expert on automobile mechanics.
Okay, so squirrels, automobile, and personal lives.
And termites.
All right.
I am an expert on termites.
Expert on termites.
All right.
We're going to go away for station identification.
We'll be back with Dr. Bernard Meltzer.
Thank you, Paul.
Coming up in this next half hour, Melvin Dumar will be here, also George Miller.
What advice would you have given Melvin Dumar?
You're talking to me, aren't you?
Yes, sir.
You know, I'm embarrassed.
I would ask you, who's Melvin Dumar?
Melvin Dumar is the guy who claims that he picked up Howard Hughes in 1967,
and then several years later, somebody dropped off a will of Howard Hughes,
in which a substantial sum of the part of the fortune was left to Melvin.
And he then dropped it off at the Mormon church,
and then anyway, the will was tossed out, and he didn't get a nickel.
Well, I would say rethink your fantasy.
Yeah.
But he doesn't have squirrels.
That's the important thing.
No, he doesn't have squirrels.
That man has no squirrels.
No squirrels, sorry.
Tomorrow, Richard Price will be here, Broadway usher, Thelma Moore,
and comedian, actor, producer, Don Novello will be here.
This, of course, is Dr. Bernard Meltzer,
and we're taking questions from the studio audience.
Let's just keep on going.
You said that you're more in the area of finance and business and so forth,
right?
And city planning.
City planning.
Construction and engineering.
All right, well, let's see.
And banking.
Banking.
Money and a lot of other things.
Let me just try this one on you, because...
And education.
We have a co-worker who smells bad.
He smells bad.
Who smells bad.
Is this an area you want to get into?
No, I don't get into bad smells.
Okay, my wife and I have just gotten married
and have been having problems with furniture deliveries.
All right.
That's a consumer problem.
That's good.
That's right.
Every time a guy delivers the furniture, he smells bad.
No, no.
Every time we have...
Every item we have had delivered has been broken or damaged,
and the store refuses to take them back,
but wants to repair them instead.
This is a real problem you could handle.
What do you do?
Well, see, the bad part here...
Furniture is a very crazy way.
They get the money before they drop off the furniture.
Yeah.
And this is a customary way of operating in a trade.
As a result, the consumer is in bad shape.
They have the money,
and there's no way of get