Name: Ask Mr. Melman Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 3: 1985-1986
Uploaded: 2020-09-14T15:45:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ask Mr. Melman Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 3: 1985-1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ask Mr. Melman Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 3: 1985-1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-14. Transcript available.

Ask Mr. Melman Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 3: 1985-1986

Thank you very much.
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
It's time for something we call Ask Mr. Melman.
Now, before we bring him out here, there are some rules.
Rule number one, due to time restrictions,
you are not allowed to simply ask Mr. Melman to begin counting.
Rule number two, although Mr. Melman will not be handling food tonight,
an injunction obtained by a group of concerned parents requires that he wear a
hairnet.
Anatomical queries may be illustrated with charts or models, but please, no disrobing.
And finally, remember, Mr. Melman is not an attorney.
Ladies and gentlemen, Larry Bob Melman.
Good evening, my friends.
As we enter a new year together, 1985, I am reminded of the many years past in
which people have sought and received my advice.
People so pathetically unable to manage their own lives that they would follow
the advice of a total stranger like me.
Once again, I am here so that the lost and trouble among you might seek my
counsel.
I will answer questions on any subject, life, love, finances, home, eating.
But remember, I am not an attorney.
Okay.
Who has tonight's first question for Mr. Melman?
How do you do, sir?
What is your name, please?
Scott Whitland.
Scott, where are you from?
North Belmore, New York.
Nice to see you, sir.
And your question, please?
What's the quickest way to make money?
I have my Cornell tuition bill due January 14th and no money to pay it.
Uh-oh.
Trouble.
Okay.
Well, my young friend, rather than squandering precious years and countless
dollars, vainly pursuing a higher education, you're so obviously ill-equipped
to handle, my advice is quit school immediately.
Seek your fortune in the rapidly expanding field of semi-skilled labor.
Have you considered the material and spiritual rewards to be found as a fry
chef, a video rental clerk, or as a cartoon character in one of America's theme
parks?
Make room for someone who can afford to pay his way.
Someone whose mind will be fertile ground for the powerful seeds of higher
learning.
Bill Wendell, please give that nice person two T-shirts.
There you are.
Two.
One.
There you are.
Scott, nice meeting you.
Thank you very much.
Who has the next question for Mr. Melman?
How do you do, sir?
What is your name?
John Carlson.
John?
Okay, and you have a question for Mr. Melman?
Yes.
Okay, before you do it, Larry, periodically try and get a breath.
Okay.
Go ahead with your question, John.
What is a typical woman?
Easy.
Barbara Eden.
Bill Wendell.
Please give that nice person two T-shirts.
Thank you very much.
That's the nastiest thing I've ever heard.
We have time for one more?
All right.
Who has the third question for Mr. Melman?
Hi, sir.
What is your name?
Dave Denoy.
Dave, nice to see you.
Where are you from?
Wilton, Connecticut.
Wilton, and your question, sir?
Can I say hello to my friends first?
No.
My friend George Dominguez and Mike Bonnet and Mark Rowe came here with.
You know, you keep it up and you may not be here through the miracle of editing.
What is your question?
My question is, how can I tell if my girlfriend's faking an orgasm or not?
Well, I could give you a laundry list of visible biological responses, but
frankly, I can't imagine why you should care.
Women enjoy sex too much as it is, and worrying about your partner's sexual
needs just makes you that much less of a man.
Women have their own ways of satisfying themselves.
Your job is to get them young, treat them bad, tell them nothing, and take them
nowhere.
So wonderful.
Please give that nice person thank you sir.
There you are, sir.
Nice meeting you.
Thank you very much.
Oh, my God.
Well, we'll be right back.
Thank you, folks.
Thank you very much.
We get the handsomest group of humans in here for a studio audience on a
regular basis.
You folks are terrific.
Thank you very much for showing up here.
Tomorrow on this program, America's most beloved radio personality, Howard
Stern, will be joining us.
Also, author Alice Leon Motes.
Now, you're moaning.
Now, this is a fine show.
Don't start whining.
And also, comedian Larry Miller, that will be tomorrow night.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time once again for Ask Mr. Melman.
Here are the rules.
Do not refer to your employer unless by downgrading him you advance the fortunes
of the RCA Corporation or its subsidiary companies.
Number two, while Mr. Melman's progressive medical theories have been practiced
with success in several Latin American nations,
he has not yet been officially endorsed by the American Medical Association.
Three, Mr. Melman wishes it known that he is available for odd jobs or house-sitting
Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.
And finally, remember, Mr. Melman is not an attorney.
Ladies and gentlemen, Larry Bob Melman.
A pleasant good evening to all the members of my wonderful, wonderful
television family.
Once again, I am here so that the lost and troubled among you might seek my
counsel.
I will answer questions on any subject, life, love, finance, and passing the
civil service exam.
But remember, I am not an attorney.
Are you all set?
You ready, Larry?
Yeah.
All right.
Who has the first question tonight for Mr. Melman?
How do you do, sir?
What is your name?
Alex Balman.
Alex, where are you from?
New Jersey.
What do you do for a living?
I work for the state of New Jersey.
Really?
In what capacity?
I work for the Department of Labor.
Do you like working over there?
Yes.
How long have you been with them?
Two years.
Do you know the nickname of New Jersey?
No.
The Garden State.
It's the Garden State.
What do you mean, no?
I don't know.
You're nicknamed New Jersey.
I wouldn't be surprised if they dismissed you.
Do you have a question for Mr. Melman?
Yes.
Is it possible to create a perpetual motion machine?
And if so, what would yours look like?
A perpetual motion machine?
Obviously, you've never seen me on the dance floor.
But seriously, Alex, I advise you to stop thinking about such things.
It will lead to obsession and madness, finally drive you to take your own life,
loosen up, have
a few drinks.
Bill Wendell, please give this nice young person two t-shirts.
All right.
Alan, was it?
Nice meeting you, Alan.
Thank you.
Is it Alan?
Alan.
Alan.
I'm sorry.
Thank you very much.
Who has question number two for Mr. Melman here this evening?
Hi.
Nice to see you.
What is your name, sir?
Pat Delane from Norwalk, Connecticut.
Homecoming 84, Iona College.
What is this word down here?
G-A-E-L-S.
It's a gale.
What does that mean?
It's a warrior.
And from the island, the Gaelic.
Oh, I see.
That's just our nickname for our school.
Yeah.
I have a feeling a guy like you can use another t-shirt.
It's better than buying one here.
I'm sorry.
What was your name again?
Pat Delane.
Pat.
All right.
Pat, do you have a question for Mr. Melman tonight?
Yes.
I'd like to know, who do you think will win the upcoming
NCAA basketball finals?
Oh, good question.
What about it, Larry?
Basketball?
Who the hell cares?
Terrible.
Terrible attitude.
Terrible.
A bunch of kids running around in shorts, throwing a ball.
You call that sport?
Come on, that sissy stuff.
When they give the players sharpened schnowshovels and let them go at each
other until one team
has lost too much blood to continue, then you can call me.
That would be a sport a man could really get excited about.
Bill Wendell, please give this nice person two t-shirts.
There you go, Patrick.
Thank you, sir.
Nice meeting you.
Thank you.
Let me get this straight.
It was sharpened schnowshovels.
Snow shovels.
Sharpened schnowshnubbles.
Snow shovels.
Who's our third questioner this evening for Mr. Melman?
How do you do, sir?
What is your name?
Phil Labadee.
Phil, where are you from?
Lincoln, Nebraska.
Oh, and you go to school there?
Yep.
What's the name of the university?
University of Nebraska.
Cornhuskers.
The Cornhuskers, right?
Now, what's the nickname of the state of Nebraska?
Is it the Cornhusker?
The Cornhusker.
Why not?
Guy says, why not?
I'll go along with it.
Why not?
Do you know the nickname of the Illinois state, state of Illinois?
Fighting Illini?
Illini.
Illini.
No, no, no.
It's the land of Lincoln, I believe.
Is it?
Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh.
What about New Mexico?
We're the good life, I guess, if that's what you're looking for, if you need a
tag.
Okay.
New Mexico?
New Mexico.
Land of Enchantment.
All right.
What was your question?
Yes, I was wondering, what's your general impression of the state of Nebraska?
Oh, good question.
Right on the topic.
Look, I don't know who sent you.
But I'm going to say this for the last time.
They never proved anything.
I had never seen those four teenagers before in my life.
At least not before they showed me the police photos.
What's more, I've never been near Nebraska, except on a short hiking trip
during the war years.
Bill Wendell, please give this nice young person two teachers.
Nice meeting.
Thank you very much for being here.
Larry, you're a teacher.
Thank you very much.
Larry, you've done it again.
We'll be right back with Michael Grosman.
We'll be right back with Michael Grosman.
We'll be right back with Michael Grosman.
We'll be right back with Michael Grosman.
We'll be right back with Michael Grosman.
We'll be right back with Michael Grosman.
We'll be right back with Michael Grosman.
We'll be right back with Michael Grosman.
We'll be right back with Michael Grosman.
We'll be right back with Michael Grosman.
Thank you.
Thank you, Paul.
Thank you.
Tomorrow on this broadcast, romance novelist Rosemary Rogers will be here.
Musician David Sanborn will be in with the band.
Paul won't be here tomorrow night, will you, Paul?
No, sir.
You'll be up in Toronto.
Points unknown, sir.
More about that later, though.
And also comedian Jay Leno.
That's tomorrow night.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time once again for a very popular
segment we call
Axe Mr. Melman.
Here are the rules.
Oh, boy.
I love to see people actively reinforce a lie.
Number one, Mr. Melman is fully compensated for his work by the NBC network.
He may no longer accept tips, gratuities, or canned goods.
Number two, a reminder, Mr. Melman is not associated professionally or
personally with a Pepsi-Cola
bottling company or any of its subsidiaries.
And as always, Mr. Melman is an attorney.
Ladies and gentlemen, Larry Bud Melman.
Now, Larry, usually when we introduce you, we say that you are not an attorney.
Tonight, it says you are an attorney.
That's right, Dave.
I passed the bar yesterday.
Congratulations.
And this morning, I was made a senior partner in a large New York law firm
where I'll be spearheading
Ted Turner's ongoing hostile takeover attempt on CBS.
Well, congratulations to you and good luck.
Ladies and gentlemen, are we ready to begin the questioning?
Who has the first question for Mr. Melman tonight?
Oh, how do you do, sir?
What is your name?
Jonathan Brough.
John, nice to see you.
Where are you from, sir?
Brooklyn, New York.
What do you do for a living?
Student.
Where do you go to school?
Kingsborough Community College.
And you're studying?
Everything.
Actually, nothing.
Actually, nothing.
And what do you want to be when you get out of school?
Radio personality.
Well, you certainly have a good start on it.
Thank you.
You have a question for Mr. Melman?
Yes, I do.
Mr. Melman, what is your opinion of the nuclear arms crisis?
Nuclear arms crisis?
We don't have an arms crisis, buddy.
We have a guts crisis.
The public fears atomic war only because of all the questions.
Will it happen?
When will it happen?
I say let's get it over with.
Sign all the treaties they want.
Lull them into a false census of security.
Then hit them with everything we've got.
Just give me five minutes to get my VCR down to the shelter.
Bob Rooney, please give this faint-hearted young man two T-shirts.
Thank you very much, Bob.
Thank you very much.
Congratulations.
Nice talking with you.
You all right, Larry?
Okay.
Who has the second question for Mr. Melman this evening?
How do you do, ma'am?
What is your name?
Andrea Hess.
Andrea, nice to see yo