Name: Ask Mr. Melman Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 3: 1987-1992
Uploaded: 2020-09-16T04:21:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ask Mr. Melman Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 3: 1987-1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ask Mr. Melman Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 3: 1987-1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-16. Transcript available.

Ask Mr. Melman Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 3: 1987-1992

Thank you so much.
Isn't that a swell band?
Aren't they?
Coming up tomorrow on our program,
actress Heather Thomas will be here.
And comedian Gilbert Gottfried
and also Bud Wentz will be here tomorrow.
That's Bud Wentz.
B-U-double-D-W-E-N-T-Z.
Bud Wentz from the New York Hall of Science.
That's where Batman used to live, wasn't it?
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time once again for a very popular segment on this program.
It's Axe Mr. Melman.
Now, here are the rules for tonight's proceeding.
Mr. Melman appears courtesy of Atlantic Records
where he is currently waxing their lobby.
The opinions expressed by Mr. Melman
are not necessarily his own.
He gets most of them from things he overhears in the steam room.
Home viewers are advised that this segment
will be over in approximately five minutes.
We'll see you then.
And finally, remember, Mr. Melman is an attorney.
Ladies and gentlemen, Larry Bud Melman.
A hearty good evening to my wonderful, wonderful television family.
I'm Larry Bud Melman.
I'm here to answer your questions about personal problems,
money problems, and affairs of the heart.
So let's get started.
Larry, you know, I couldn't help but notice
that you're not wearing your flowing caftan tonight.
No, no more flowing caftan.
I saw a tape of my last appearance,
and I looked like an idiot.
Why didn't someone say something to me?
I don't want anything like that to ever happen again.
Now, let's have the first question.
Okay, thanks, Larry.
So you're esteemed about that caftan thing, huh?
Well, I don't blame you.
Who has the first question tonight for Mr. Melman?
Hi, what's your name, sir?
David Scott.
Stand up, Dave.
Where are you from?
I'm from Saville, Long Island.
Where?
Saville, Long Island?
Yeah.
And you go to school out there?
You work out there or both?
I go to school up in Hyde Park.
I see.
And what are you studying?
I have to be a chef at the Culinary Institute.
Oh, good.
That sounds like a lot of fun.
Oh, yeah.
You have a question tonight for Mr. Melman?
Yeah.
Larry, I just wanted to know.
I had a class today at the Culinary,
and I made a consomme.
Oh, consomme.
It just didn't come out quite clear.
I had a lot of trouble.
Chef was yelling and everything.
Can you tell me what to do about that?
His problem is he had cloudy consomme, Larry.
You know what I could do.
David, you want a suggestion about your consomme?
I've got a suggestion for you.
Put it down the drain.
People want something that will stick to their ribs.
Something with big chunks of beef and potato.
Americans didn't clear the wilderness
and tame a continent with their bellies full of consomme.
Sit down, pal, before I come up there and sit you down.
Bob Rooney, please give this nice person 100 packs of gum.
Thank you.
Who's next, Flora?
Hi, how are you?
Nice to see you.
What's your name?
Grace Capuana.
Grace, nice to have you here.
Where do you live?
Staten Island.
And do you work out there?
I go to school.
Where do you go to school?
St. John.
What are you studying?
Education.
And you're going to be what?
Teacher.
A teacher.
Good for you.
Larry, by the way, try and get a breath for some of these answers.
What is your question?
What will Prince Edward do now that he's been kicked out of the Royal Navy?
I think he left.
I don't think he was kicked out, was he?
Didn't he just leave?
Packed it in and left.
He left.
He left the Royal Navy, Larry.
Oh, what a pity.
Wait a minute.
Is that on the cards?
Stick to the cards, okay?
Okay.
You take your two-bit opinion somewhere else, pal.
All right, Gracie, I know what you've heard, and it's true.
He's staying on the couch at my place.
He's a young man with a lot of things to sort out.
But he makes a damn fine picture of Rob Roy's and always answers the phone politely.
Which is more than I can say for that sponging King Olaf and his screaming
breath.
Bob Rooney, please, give this nice person a hundred percent.
Thank you very much.
These are dumb.
Thank you.
That's it?
Okay.
We're going to do a commercial.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
Thank you, Larry.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
Paul, this is not a bad sign for us your dad sneaked out.
Is he coming back?
We'll be right back with Tempest Pledso.
Oh, is he back?
All right.
Good Lord.
Let's see.
Coming up in this half hour, memory expert, her, her, I'm mispronouncing her
name.
That's why we need this woman on the show to teach me how to remember correct
pronunciation.
Her name is...
Hermine.
No, no, not Hermine.
Hermine.
I was saying Hermine.
It's Hermine.
And it's Hilton.
She'll be out here in a few minutes.
Also, Stanley Clark is with our band tonight.
Tomorrow on the program, Jeff Altman will be here.
Champion eater, Peter Doudswell will be joining us.
And four-year-old spelling whiz, Roman Navaravadakar.
She'll be here tomorrow night.
And then Saturday, join us for our fifth anniversary late night special.
Jay Leno, Carol Liefer, myself, Paul and the band, Stupid Petrix.
On and on and on, almost too much entertainment.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for one of our more popular segments on the
program.
It's Axe, Mr. Melman.
Here now are the rules.
Parents of young children, we remind you, Mr. Melman is not a toy.
Please keep the kids from rolling him around.
Mr. Melman credits his extensive knowledge of life to hanging around emergency
rooms and
listening to his police scanner.
Anyone interested in obtaining a transcript of this evening's program is
advised to lie down
for a while with a cold compress.
And finally, remember, Mr. Melman is an attorney.
Ladies and gentlemen, Larry Budd Melman.
A hearty good evening to my wonderful, wonderful television family.
I'm Larry Budd Melman.
I'm here to answer your questions about personal problems, money problems, and
affairs of the
heart.
So let's get started.
Larry, keep your hands on the table.
Excuse me.
Is there anything else you'd like to tell your wonderful, wonderful television
family right
now?
Oh, yeah.
One more thing.
I want you to...
I warn you that I don't know a wise guy when I see one.
And I'm not afraid to come up there and slap around any smart one who thinks
they can make
me look like a chump on network television.
Okay.
Enough said.
Question number one.
Okay, Larry.
I'm glad you cleared that up for us.
Who has the first question for Mr. Melman?
How do you do, sir?
What is your name?
Frank Goyanis.
Nice to see you, Frank.
Where are you from?
I'm in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.
I see.
And what do you do for a living there?
I'm a melter at the Bethlehem Steel Corporation there.
All right.
Things all right in the steel business these days?
They're getting better.
Thank you.
Good to hear that.
What is your question for Mr. Melman?
Well, Larry, lately I've been having a lot of trouble getting to work on time,
and my boss
is getting upset, and I was wondering if you had any suggestions that I could
use so that
I don't wind up going to work late all the time.
Good idea, Larry.
Okay.
Get up on time.
Get to work on time.
Live on time.
Die on time.
For gosh sakes, Frank, you're turning into a machine.
Look at me.
I did absolutely nothing for the first 60 years of my life, and here I am, a
beloved
national figure.
Hang in there.
A couple more decades, pal, and maybe your ship will come in.
Bob Rooney, please give this nice person 100 packs a gun.
Enjoy the gun.
Nice getting you.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
Who has the, uh...
Who's next?
Hi, how are you?
Nice to see you.
Nice to meet you.
What is your name?
Beth Sutkavage.
Beth, where are you from?
Dallas, Pennsylvania.
And, oh, two people from Pennsylvania.
Do you know one another?
Nope.
Okay.
What do you do for a living?
I'm a student at Luzerne County Community College.
I'm proud of it.
Are you a little defensive about that?
Are people making fun of the institution?
Some do, yes.
But it's a fine school.
I'm sure it is.
And a football team?
I have no idea.
Apparently, campus pride is rampant, then.
Okay, what is your question, Beth?
I'd like to know what your definition of love is.
Oh, good question.
My definition of love.
Love is a dizzy feeling.
A heavy sensation in the pit of your stomach.
It's throbbing, painful joints, a thick coating on your tongue, and a swollen,
tender pancreas.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
That's when you lick the banisters in Subway Station.
Bob, really, thanks for this nice person.
Wonderful.
There you are.
Nice meeting you, Beth.
Thank you very much for being here.
Okay, that's all the time.
Gee, Paul, your dad's going to be disappointed he missed this.
He's here.
Oh, he's back.
Okay.
He's got a piece.
We'll be right back with memory expert, Hermine Hilton.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Tomorrow on the program, Catherine Harold will be here, Lionel Hampton, and
also Stupid Petricks.
That will be tomorrow.
You know, kids, here at NBC, we take seriously our responsibility to inform and
educate the television-viewing public.
But sometimes we have to kill time with any old crap we can come up with.
So, with that in mind, tonight we are adding a new twist to an old feature
designed to answer the questions of our studio audience.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Larry, the big man, Nelman.
Thank you.
Comparatively, tiny viewers.
I am the big man.
You might think you've got a big question.
You might think you've got a big problem.
Well, the big man is bigger than anything you can come up with.
I'm qualified to dispense advice on personal matters, financial matters, and
affairs of the heart.
But even if I wasn't, you'd still have to listen to what I say, because I'm
just so damn big.
Larry, Larry, Larry, do me a favor.
Tighten your tie a little bit.
Who are those guys standing behind you, Larry?
I'll pay no attention to my cringing underlings.
They're here to do my bidding and are no concern of yours.
Now, which of you insects has the courage to ask the first question?
All right, who has the first question for Larry tonight?
Hi, how are you?
What's your name, sir?
Dave Cartesota.
Nice to have you here, Dave.
Where are you from?
Trenton, New Jersey.
And what do you do for a living?
I work for United States Audiovisuals.
Oh, are you happy with that job?
That's pretty good.
Oh, good for you.
And what is your question tonight for Larry, the big man, Nelman?
I have a friend, a co-worker, that really has problems talking to girls in bars.
He needs a real good line, a real good pickup line for him.
Oh, good question.
Well, this friend you speak of, it's you, isn't it, little man?
His name is Chuck.
Your chances of picking up babes are slim.
As long as gigantic men like me are around.
Who would want a sword-off shrimp when they could have a 12-foot, 2-ton, 60-minute
man?
Sorry, Junior.
Crawl back in your mouse hole.
Yes, we have a gift here.
Yes, we have.
What are we giving?
We're giving away a jumbo.
Oh, a liter.
All right, big three-liter bottle of soda.
Oh, good.
Thank you very much.
Good luck to you.
Good luck to you guys.
Oh, my God.
I'd give a week's pay to see that thing tip over.
Who has the next question?
Hi, how are you?
What is your name?
Lisa Oseni.
Nice to have you here.
Lisa, where are you from?
Saugerties, New York.
And do you work up there?
No, I go to school in Cortland.
I don't know where either of those places are.
But I'm sure they're both fine communities.
What is your question tonight?
My sister is six months pregnant and due in June.
And her husband and her, they can't decide on a boy's name.
And they need your help.
Need a name for a possi