Name: Molly Ivins and Ann Richards on Letterman, 1991 & 1992
Uploaded: 2020-09-26T22:35:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Molly Ivins and Ann Richards on Letterman, 1991 & 1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Molly Ivins and Ann Richards on Letterman, 1991 & 1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-26. Transcript available.

Molly Ivins and Ann Richards on Letterman, 1991 & 1992

Stephen Wolfe, 1963.
I would say a little later than that, 6, 7, 8.
Thank you very much.
Joe?
Our next guest is one of the most outspoken political columnists in the nation
today,
and we have a collection of her writing.
It can be found in this just-published book entitled,
Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can She?
Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, Molly Ivins.
Hi, Molly, how are you?
Pleasure to have you with us tonight.
Please have a seat.
You're from Texas, or you're originally from Texas?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, what part?
East Texas, graduated from high school in Houston.
And what do the folks in East Texas make of what we've just come through this
weekend
and the week before with the Judiciary Committee hearings and all of that?
What does that mean to people?
I think it does raise the always timely question, is God punishing us?
As a connoisseur of political lunacy, I'd give it an 8.2.
Right.
Fairly edifying to see a bunch of United States senators on national television
discussing dogs and breasts.
I think we live in a great nation.
Its occasional resemblance to a large lunatic asylum is purely coincidental.
Yeah.
It's actually one of our more endearing national characteristics.
But if, see, now I look at that and I don't feel like I have a grasp of the
core issue of what just transpired.
I mean, the guy's now part of the Supreme Court.
Okay, so, what's left?
As we're sifting through the ashes, what can we hang on to?
What can we learn?
How can we make ourselves better from the experience here?
We can't.
Okay.
Let's talk about the title of the book here.
Molly Ivins can't say that, can she?
What is that referring to?
Oh, when I first started writing my political column, I felt impelled to
describe the performance of a local congressman by saying,
if his IQ slips any lower, we'll have to water him twice a day.
Right.
It upset a lot of his supporters and they canceled their subscriptions and
threatened to start boycotts.
And so my paper took out billboards all around Dallas, Texas that said, Molly
Ivins can't say that, can she?
And are you beloved by the folks who read the paper or is it split right down
the middle?
Some hate you, some love you.
How does that go?
They do polls every year to find out who's the best-liked and most-hated columnist
in the area.
I'm always both.
Well, that's good.
That's the appropriate balance then, isn't it?
And what is the state of Texas politics these days?
How are things?
A lot of scandals, not so many scandals?
Well, the speaker is under indictment again, but that's normal where we are.
We did have one, 73 to 75, who wasn't indicted.
He was shot to death by his wife.
She wasn't indicted, however.
And now you're not troubled by this kind of thing, and I guess it's because it's
part of your livelihood.
What is the most aggressive or egregious political violation you've witnessed
or reported or lived through?
Well, on the lunacy scale, I suppose the Mike Martin episode, state
representative Mike Martin, was elected from Longview, Texas, on a platform of
being pro-family and pro-American.
And, um, he was legislatively impaired, unable to pass a single bill, so he
looked dicey for re-election, and he came up with a really unusual strategy.
He paid his cousin to shoot him in the arm with a shotgun, and then claimed it
had been done by a satanic and communistic cult on account of his so-pro-family
and pro-American.
Uh-huh.
Well, it turned out our legislature had, with great foresight, made it illegal
to pay someone to shoot you in the great state of Texas.
And with that, Representative Martin became wanted by the law.
We had to send the Texas Rangers after him because he went into hiding.
They hunted him high, hunted him low.
At last, they tracked him to earth at his mama's house, found him hiding in the
stereo cabinet.
Yeah, he always did want to be a speaker.
Yeah, so, well.
Uh, what do you, uh, what do you make of, uh, Dan Quayle?
Now, I probably have been as guilty as anyone of abusing him and making fun of
him and being unfair to him, but it's, you know, you can't really help yourself.
I know there's a, there is a widespread impression that, uh, the press is
unfair to Quayle.
I mean, we all noticed early on, the guy's not the brightest porch clad on the
block.
Uh, and there's been a feeling that the press has unfairly stereotyped him and,
and really not given him a chance.
I'm, I must tell you, honestly, I traveled with him during the 88 campaign.
I found him dumber than advertised.
It's a real horrifying thought, but I honestly think if you put that man's
brain in a bumblebee, it would fly backwards.
Now, do you ever, do you ever for a second in, in a stroke of conscience, do
you ever consider if, if things were reversed, if there was some odd parallel
universe and someone was saying things like that about me, how would I endure
that?
This, this man has lived the last four years being assaulted like that and, and,
and worse.
Well, see, my theory is I only make fun of politicians and they all volunteer
to stand in a free fire zone.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, it's not my fault.
So, you're completely exonerated then.
No problem.
All right, let's do a commercial.
We'll be right back here.
Okay, here, uh, the book is called Molly Ivins.
Can't say that, can she?
And, uh, probably selling pretty well, isn't it?
Yeah, it seems to be.
Pleasure to meet you.
Thank you very much for being on the program.
Uh, my thanks also to, uh, Jeff Stilson and, uh, Jeff Daniels.
Tomorrow night, ladies and gentlemen, Richard Simmons will return.
Good night, everybody.
Coming up next, Mark Harmon from the new NBC series, Reasonable Doubts, stays
up later with Bob Costas.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Nominate this, will ya?
Thank you very much.
You know who I think would make an excellent president?
The guy who used to captain the love boat.
What was his name?
Oh, uh, Captain Steubing.
I think he'd make a divine president, a terrific president.
You know, one of the, uh, crew of the love boat is actually in Congress or
something.
Uh, Fred Grandin.
Yeah, the gopher.
Yeah, gopher.
Yeah, he's a, uh, governor, uh, uh, uh, uh, senator from, congressman from
Nebraska, Iowa.
Congressman from Nebraska.
Hey, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey, hey, hey, and welcome to Jeopardy!
Um, but I'd like to see that Captain Steubing there because he's got the
military background.
So you mean, yeah.
In Captain, the character as president.
Not Gavin McCloud, the actor.
No, no, no, no.
The actual.
Captain Steubing himself.
Yeah.
And then you'd have a romance.
Aaron Spelling could run the campaign for him.
Yeah.
But then there'd be an old romance lingering somewhere in the back.
Uh, we have the governor of Texas, Ann Richards, uh, will be out here a little
bit later.
I'm very, I'm, uh, I'm a combination of nervous and very, very excited because,
uh, you can't
help but have a lot of respect, uh, for this woman and her accomplishments in
the world.
And, uh, we're excited to have her here tonight.
And, and what could be a more timely circumstance than when the, uh, Democratic
Convention is,
uh, excuse me, just down the, uh, down the road there.
And, uh, tonight, uh, there will be placing, uh, Bill Clinton's name, uh, in
nomination
for, uh, president of the United States.
Who, who's making that nomination speech?
Oh, oh, Cuomo.
Mario Cuomo.
There you go, right there.
Uh, here is the, uh, top ten list for tonight from the home office in Tahlequah,
Oklahoma.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, moms and dads, and kids of all ages.
The category, top ten signs you won't be re-elected president.
Top ten signs now that you will not be re-elected president.
Here we go.
Number ten.
At fundraising dinners, guests ask you, can we have some more butter, please?
Number nine.
Uh, whenever you use phrase, if I'm re-elected in speech, crowd bursts into ten
minutes of
uproarious laughter.
Number eight.
Your wife keeps reassuring you that she can get work as a mall Santa.
Number seven.
Number seven.
Number six.
Uh, number six.
When you ask your campaign manager for advice, he shrugs and says, beats me.
Number five.
Uh, Carvel turns their president Bushcake into Bushy the Whale.
Number four.
Instead of four more years, supporters chant, six more months.
And number three.
Your pinhead son loses $3 billion in savings and loans scandal.
Number two.
Number two.
Your State of the Union address is preempted by a Who's the Boss-a-thon.
I like that.
Number two.
My personal favorite.
And the number one sign you won't be re-elected president.
Other beats you in polls.
There you go.
Oh, okay.
All right, let's bring her right out here.
Our first guest is probably best remembered for her remark four years ago that
George Bush
was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
This year, she is the chairperson of the Democratic Convention.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the governor of Texas, Ann Richards.
Ann!
Ann!
Nice to see you.
Pleasure to meet you.
What have you there, governor?
This is a Democrat potato.
Uh-huh.
How so?
Spelled with an O.
Spelled with an O.
Thank you very much, because you know I'm always hungry.
A little memento of the convention.
Let me talk to you about a couple of things.
First of all, did I make a faux pas there when I introduced you at the top of
the program
as the First Lady of Texas?
Is that not a correct way to refer to you?
As long as I'm governor, it doesn't matter what you say.
All right.
All right.
Now, in the introduction here, when you just came out, I referred to the quote
from your speech
at the convention four years ago, which kind of lifted the roof off of the
place.
And you said, the only problem with George Bush is he was born with a silver
foot in his mouth.
Yes.
Now, George is more or less a Texan, isn't he?
Claims some connection to the state, has a residence there.
He has a hotel room there.
Yeah.
A Texas hotel room.
Now, that hotel has gone bankrupt, of course, in this past four years.
It hasn't been there much.
Yeah.
Right.
The important thing is that four years later, I can say I told you so.
Yeah.
Did you, uh, did you, have you talked to George?
Did you ever talk to George?
Have you had any kind of a relationship with him?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
How do you get along with the man?
Just great.
Really?
Yeah.
And how do you respond to that remark?
Well, I don't know.
I never ask him.
Uh-huh.
Uh, he sent me a silver foot, a pin.
Yeah.
That says Bush on it.
And, um, I wear it when he comes to the state, because I think, um, well, a
lady always wears
a gentleman's jewelry when he comes to the state.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
But he has a pretty good sense of humor.
He was there this year when I spoke at the Gridiron Show in Washington.
Uh-huh.
And he laughed a lot, because it was a really good speech.
I would imagine so.
Yeah.
Uh, well, let's talk a little bit about that.
Is, if you can now step down from being, uh, governor, step down from being, uh,
the chairperson
of the convention, step down from being a, a lifelong Democrat, I assume.
Uh, are these guys done?
Is George really done?
Is it over?
Are we, are we looking at the end of the Republican reign here now?
Uh, I think the phrase is, stick a fork in them, they're done.
But do you want to know the, I mean, that's a good line, but the honest to God
truth is,
I don't know.
Uh, I, I can't, uh, I can't imagine that they're going to be able to hang on.
I mean, people are out of work.
Uh, the country's ox is in a ditch.
Uh, I'm sorry, the country's ox is in a ditch?
The country's ox is in a ditch.
You know that old story.
No, I've never, I've never heard that, no.
I've, I've never actually been an ox owner, so I don't.
Well, it has to do with the difficulty of removing a beast of that size from a
ditch.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, so I think, um, you know, come November, we'll know.
This is a peculiar election year.
I mean, it's incredible by any measurement.
Uh, they told me, uh, when I came in here, that Ed Rollins had quit the Perot
campaign,