Name: Bonnie Hunt Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 3: 2004-2009
Uploaded: 2020-09-28T18:58:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bonnie Hunt Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 3: 2004-2009' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bonnie Hunt Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 3: 2004-2009' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-28. Transcript available.

Bonnie Hunt Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 3: 2004-2009

- -
Anton Zipp, ladies and gentlemen.
Take a bow. - That's all, man.
Hello.
All right, here.
Here's what John Kerry said about Ronald Reagan.
This is a quote.
"He was a wonderful guy, but ran up a huge deficit
and had a bad economic plan."
Ouch.
Oh, really?
That's what he said.
Well, I don't know.
What happened?
I spilled coffee.
Oh.
Do you need some hydrogen peroxide?
Oh, don't start.
Don't start.
Clean that up.
No, it'll be fine.
Eh.
Would you like to see a menu or just have dessert?
Okay.
That's fine.
Thank you very much.
Check, please.
Okay.
This will all be edited out.
Our first guest is a very funny woman
and a good friend of ours.
She is the lovely...
Here she is.
And she couldn't be lovelier.
Bonnie Hunt, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, you look fantastic.
Oh, thanks, Dave.
And you look wonderful.
Oh, you got new specs.
I did.
Yeah, but you look tremendous.
You came out and I said to myself, "Wow, that's a vision."
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
So I had to come over.
You're in such a good mood.
Well, I'm happy to see you.
You know...
You are really in a good mood, don't you think?
Well, thank you.
I'm happy to see you.
I'm happy to see you.
You are really in a good mood, don't you think?
Well, thank you.
I'm happy to see you.
I'm happy to see you.
You are really in a good mood.
Well, thank you.
I'm happy to see you.
You are really in a good mood, don't you think?
Well, thank you.
I'm happy to see you.
I'm happy to see you.
You're happy to see you.
You're happy to see you.
I'm happy to see you.
You're happy to see you.
I'm happy to see you.
You're happy to see you.
You're in such a good mood.
Well, I'm happy to see you.
You know...
You are really in a good mood, don't you think?
Well, thank you.
I'm happy to see you.
Thank you.
Don't cross me.
You know, we used to watch The Bonnie Hunt Show every week and enjoyed it.
The Life With Bonnie?
The Life With Bonnie.
The Bonnie Hunt Show was the other canceled one I had.
That's right.
And I'm sorry to hear that it will not be back, The Life With Bonnie.
No, it won't be.
That's too bad.
I'm very sorry.
We enjoyed it.
We look forward to it every week.
Oh, thanks, Dave.
Yeah, I'm really proud of the show.
Yeah, we had David Alan Greer on the other night.
Last week.
Yes, David, very funny member of our cast.
That was the toughest thing, was calling the cast.
But I got the call...
You know, you go to New York on a Monday for the big upfronts for all the shows
that are picked
up.
And I was at an event on a Friday night, the Monday before we're supposed to go
to New York,
and we all thought we were going.
Mm-hmm.
And the president of ABC called me.
The phone rang, the cell phone, and I said, "Hello."
And he said, "Hey, Bonnie, listen, I've got some bad news."
And I said, "What?"
And he said, "Well, you know, your show is of such quality, it really doesn't
fit with
the other programs on our network."
And I said, "So you're canceling all those other shows?"
And he said, "Well, I knew you'd make a joke."
And I said, "Ha, ha, ha, ha."
So they canceled us.
But that's all right.
We had two good years, and I worked with all my friends, and we're really proud
of it.
So that's the way it goes.
And what about your family?
They know.
They're show business veterans themselves.
They understand the business, don't they?
Well, I have six brothers and sisters.
They all live in Chicago.
So does my mom, 15 nieces and nephews.
No, it was tough for them, especially my mom, who said, right after I told her,
it took me a couple of days to tell her, because I was really worried.
Because, you know, I've had five series, they've all been canceled.
And of course, she said to me, "If they cancel the fifth one, you can write a
book.
Cancel me five times, shame on you.
Cancel me six, shame on me."
That's a great title.
You know, she always finds the silver lining.
But she said, "I made a call about the show."
I said, "Ma, who'd you call?"
She said, "I called the local channel here.
I talked to Mark Giangreco.
You guys, he's a local sports guy in Chicago."
He's very handsome.
He's very popular.
I left him a message.
So maybe I'll be drafted by the Cubs or something.
That's very, very sweet.
And now, of course, you continue to work.
You're doing films, and you're on location.
Is that right?
Yeah, I just finished a movie in Wilmington, North Carolina.
Oh, is it lovely there, Wilmington?
Oh, it's beautiful.
But you guys, you know, I was raised in Chicago.
I spent a lot of time in New York.
And they move -- they take care of one person at a time there.
You know, it's just very --
It's like being at the post office all day.
And I would pull over in the morning and run into the coffee shop
and go, "A cup of black coffee, please, a large."
And they'd go, "Is someone following you?"
I said, "No, I just want to get a cup of coffee.
Got to go to work. Got to go to work."
"Is everything okay? Is something wrong?"
I said, "No, I just get a cup of coffee."
"Well, all right. We'll get you your coffee."
"We'll get you your coffee."
And then, now, their slowness sends me into a panic attack.
You know?
I go, "Yeah, I can just get the coffee. I'm getting the coffee."
But there was great characters.
Oh, Dave, this one girl.
This one girl on the crew, she worked in props,
and she was beautiful,
and all three of her teeth were sparkling white.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, come on, no.
You guys, you have to understand, she was a real character.
And every morning, she told me a story.
One morning, she said, "I heard you used to be a nurse."
I said, "Yes."
As a matter of fact, I was, you know.
And she said, "I used to work in a nursing home."
She said, "I have strange powers, God-like powers."
I said, "Really?"
She goes, "Yeah, I discovered them there."
One time, there was a man sitting in a wheelchair,
and he kept pointing towards the door,
pointing towards the door of this one room.
And I saw his white, glowing arm pointing towards the door,
so I pushed him into that room,
and when I looked back, he had no arms.
I saw his ghost arm.
A ghost arm?
A ghost arm.
I said, "Oh, my, that is a power."
It really is, yeah.
And then she said, "One time, I was sitting on a rattlesnake nest
when I was a little girl."
A rattlesnake nest?
She said, "I sat down on the rattlesnake nest,
and my brother looked me in the eye.
He didn't say anything but my power.
I knew I was in trouble."
Yeah.
So I say casually, "How old were you?"
Just a kid, seven or eight.
She goes, "Oh, my God, you have the power."
I was seven years old.
And then, just as I'm about to take a bite of the,
well, you know, whatever it is they give you for breakfast,
I never really recognized it.
Yeah.
But it took forever to make.
I know that.
And she said, "My brother came at the rattlesnake.
I jumped up and he chopped it up into little pieces,
and I'm just about to say goodbye."
And she said, "Do you know all the pieces of that rattlesnake
kept wiggling towards me?
It'll move till the sun goes down, even if it's chopped up."
I said, "Well..."
More eggs, anyone?
Yeah.
And then she said she was the quarterback of the football team
at her school for two years till they discovered she was a girl.
Oh, God.
Well, you know what?
That is the absolute joy of this business is that, you know,
how many times am I going to meet somebody like Dawn?
That is the absolute joy of this business, is that, you know, how many times am
I going to meet somebody like Dawn?
She was fantastic.
She really is something.
She was something, Dave.
Memorable character, yeah.
Use that power to take care of the team.
Dave, you know what?
It's so funny.
I was thinking about what a good mood you're in one time when Dave was still at
NBC.
You know, after I would do the show, sometimes I would go up and see Dave at
his office.
No, no, no.
Is that the time that we...
No, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
I'll be right back here with Bonnie Hunt, everybody.
Look at that.
Look at how good looking you are.
Yeah, stunning.
Thanks, Dave.
Now, I've known you a long time, and here's a question that I don't think I
know the answer to.
36, 24, 36, even when I'm walking on my hands, Dave.
Walking on your hands?
You're walking on your hands?
Well, that's the kind of figure.
Yeah, it's the same.
Oh, man.
I'd like to see that.
Oh, like you haven't.
Are most of your friends in show business or not in show business?
Or do you have an equal mix?
No, I have an equal mix, but I...
You guys, one of my friends who's an actress that will remain nameless...
What's her name?
Bought me...
Guys, this is a present that she got me, and I swear to God.
She bought me a consult to a plastic surgeon.
Oh, my.
Now, is it...
Why?
Is that...
That's insulting, isn't it?
Well, no, because, you know, it's different.
I'm from Chicago, and if you walk down Michigan Avenue on a windy day against
the wind,
you haven't...
You know, you look fantastic.
It pushes everything back, and people go, you look great, and I go, no, you
look great.
It's just the wind, but it's very convenient, and people don't worry about it.
But in Beverly Hills and in L.A., you know, everybody kind of gets it, and it
becomes this
thing, you know, oh, you got to do it.
It's like getting your nails done.
So she says, Bond, you got to go in.
It's time.
Time.
And I said, oh, God, you know, I don't know.
And so a couple things led up to it.
My agent called me and said, I got the lead in the movie with Owen Wilson and
Paul Newman.
I'm going to play Owen Wilson's girlfriend.
Well, Dave, you know, I waited a long time, and I thought, oh, my God, I'm so
excited.
I got the lead girl, and, of course, it's an animated feature.
So it's just your voice, then, I guess.
Yes, sweetheart, just my voice.
Yeah, that's all right.
And then I went to a pizza place to pick up a pizza, and the guy behind the
counter,
the young kid, said, do you have a daughter that's an actress?
And I said, no.
And he said, because the girl, the lead girl in Jumanji with Robin Williams
could be your daughter.
And I thought, well, that's me.
Now I'm my own mother.
That's frightening.
So now she's, she made like three appointments.
I've canceled all of them.
Finally, the fourth one she books, and, you know, you got to cancel within so
many hours.
You got to pay for it.
It's $300.
So she brings me in.
Let me do what the woman did, the nurse in the outside office.
You be me.
I'll be the nurse.
Okay.
She really doesn't say a lot of words.
She says, oh, let's take a look.
What do you think about having done?
No, I say nothing.
I say nothing.
No, honey, come on.
You got to play me.
You don't, you don't want, you're not interested in having surgery.
You're putting me on the spot here.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm, I'm the nurse.
You're me.
You really don't want any plastic surgery.
You're going to appease your famous friend.
Okay.
So, Bonnie, what do you think about having done?
36, 32, 36.
Same walking on my hands.
Well, it's 24, but maybe you've gotten a better look at me.
I don't, you know, I, I, I, I, I, I don't want anything done.
I'm uncomfortable.
I just, I just.
Okay, well, let me just look at you.
All right.
Let me just.
Oh, oh, wow.
What?
What do you mean, oh, oh?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Turn your face just a little bit.
Oh, oh.
And then that way, hee-hoo-hoo.
What do you mean?
What do you mean, hee-hoo?
Okay.
Dave, she didn't say any words.
It was just like, she was, uh, had so much empathy for all the procedures I
would probably
have to have done.
And then my friend doesn't help at all.
We go in to see the doctor and she says, you know, she better have a brow lift.
And then he says, well, maybe Botox.
And I said, well, I said to him, honestly, sir, I said, sorry, but do you
really think people
should, you know, put poison in their face to paralyze the emotion out of it?
And he just stared at me.
And he might have been angry, but I don't know, because he had...
Oh, you still got it, kid.
Do I, Dave?
Thanks.
Listen, it's great to see you.
And the movie, when can we look for the movie?
Anytime soon?
At Christmas?
Which o