Name: Rupert Jee's First and Last on Letterman, 1993 & 2015
Uploaded: 2020-10-04T21:40:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rupert Jee's First and Last on Letterman, 1993 & 2015' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rupert Jee's First and Last on Letterman, 1993 & 2015' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-04. Transcript available.

we got a great show tonight I think everybody's in a good mood you know we
started doing this I
guess the second week we were here in the Ed Sullivan theater and it's a brand
new neighborhood
for us and it's a great neighborhood we're right on Broadway one of the most
famous streets in all
the world the Great White Way Broadway we're right outside or well actually the
the street
is right outside we're right inside and we wanted to do something to kind of
get to know our neighbors
so we took the camera outside and we started to started to meet our neighbors
and here was here
was the first guy we met when we went outside a couple of weeks ago he runs
some kind of shop
down there where you can go in and rent or buy one of those deals and then the
next week we met these
two guys at some kind of passport photo so we thought what better time than on
a Monday night
a lovely crisp autumn early evening here in New York City check out take the
camera back outside and
excuse me I had a little I had a little too much pre-show punch
please I hope you find it in your hearts to forgive me anyway Hal do me a favor
turn on the external
camera let's go meet some more new neighbors here we go there's the marquee at
the lovely Ed Sullivan
theater right here on Broadway that's looking north there's a kind of a camera
store
camera store photo video the guy in a guy you know just before the show I saw
that guy do a thousand sit-ups in 10 minutes
okay nice to see you guys it looks like any lineup downtown any day of the week
all right we don't want to go in there we're being scared off by the young ruffians
a camera store very
nice a xerox place let's duck into the xerox place quickly see if we can't find
something to do
hello hello hello hello can you hear me hello hey hi is one of you folks the
manager
could you could you could you xerox a copy of your face ma'am sure
no no try your face go ahead and do it we'll be back to pick it up in a minute
what's your name nice to meet you i'm dave i live in the theater right next
door i have a lovely
new haircut tonight all right fern xerox your face we'll be back in a minute
by the way
by the way in 2000 years of civilization there's a sentence that never before
has been uttered
xerox your face we'll be back in a couple of minutes all right now let's round
the corner
here hal now we're looking west to the hudson and new jersey this is 53rd
street and i think
there's a delicatessen down there let's see where is it is that it right there
it's called the hello
deli all right keep going there it is right here there it is the hello deli let's
go in there
a lot of people eat lunch there have you had lunch in the hello deli yet not
yet all right let's
see the menu chicken something something with rice chicken chicken something
and wash
all right how do you do sir nice to see you hi dave if you get out of the way i'll
buy you lunch thank
you
excuse me sir i'm sorry let me talk to the customer again do me a favor run
around the corner and xerox
your face will you yeah okay thank you uh and you serve behind the cash
register what is your name
please my name is rupert rupert how do you do i'm dave letterman i live in the
theater right around the
corner yes i know that uh tell me a little bit about the deli rupert well um it's
just a little deli
where we serve gourmet foods big sandwiches right you have a sandwich in their
name for me yes well what's
on that sandwich well we have um cheddar cheese sweet peppers turkey lettuce
tomato uh honey mustard and
cucumbers in a million years i wouldn't eat that what would you like to eat how
did you get that sandwich
i'll tell you what i like to eat uh-huh and then i'll bring it down a little
later okay sure all right
but where did you get that sandwich well i was told that you liked a very um
healthy just be careful who
you're talking to rupert understand do yourself a favor be very careful who you
talk to uh and you
do a brisk business there i'll bet eh yes a lot of your people come in well
that's good and do they
behave themselves oh yeah they're a swell bunch of people and do you find rupert
that since we've
been in the neighborhood that your business has increased well yeah just look
at that will you
are you kidding me he's turning them away you can't keep people out of the
place yeah you're
the greatest thing that happened to us rupert how long have you been in the deli
business uh just
about a year and a half i want to do something nice for you i want to do a
favor for you i want
to do something that will maybe make an impression on you and will last for a
long time okay rupert
have you ever have you ever had a standing ovation uh no all right i'll tell
you what rupert ask this
customer to watch the register well you want to watch the register let's keep
an eye there you go
come in come into the theater and and blow everybody a kiss come on rupert come
on in
come on get ready paul when he comes in there you go take him in there all
right rupert go on in keep
going here we go here we go
take a bow
and we'll dine for free through the end of the century
by the way did fern ever xerox her face can we check that all right well no we'll
go back
later we'll find out if fern in fact stuck her head in the copier
we're going to do a commercial when we come out here our old friend uh sarah jessica
parker will
will join us nice to see you guys
We'll be right back.
Good to have you with us, Rupert.
We've known you for a long, long time,
and, you know, tomorrow's our last show.
I appreciate you getting fixed up.
What was life like for you
before we moved into the neighborhood?
It was pretty boring.
Yeah, were you making any money in there at all?
I was making a little.
A little money, and then we come along,
and kaboom, now you're on Easy Street, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's been interesting.
You can write your own ticket now, my friend, right?
I hope so.
Yeah.
Are you going to miss us?
Big time.
Yeah.
Big time.
But in addition to running the deli,
and I've said this before, Rupert,
how many delis do you think are in New York City?
Thousands.
Thousands.
And the Rupert G's Hello Deli is one of them.
But pretty quickly, you became a part of the show.
And, again, thank you for your generosity.
And we had a lot of fun together.
And then we used to do a piece where you had some apparatus.
You could hear me talk.
You had a camera on there.
And we would walk around, and you would be like a puppet.
I would tell you what to say and what to do.
And then we had a lot of fun with that,
and then a lot of fun with that.
And then we had to stop.
Do you remember why we had to stop?
Yeah, someone pulled a knife on us.
Yeah.
So we had to stop.
That would have given the whole show a black eye.
But it was fun right up to then, wasn't it?
It was, yes.
Okay.
So we're going to show you some videotape
going back to December 2, 1994.
Is that when we started this?
Yes.
The first time we did it with Rupert, yeah.
Is that right?
Is that what we're going to see tonight?
It's a compilation.
Compilation, but the first time was in December, 1994.
All right, let's take a look.
Fun with Rupert G., ladies and gentlemen.
My name's Steve.
I'm really hungry.
Oh, my name's Steve.
I'm really hungry.
I'd like a quarter pounder.
I'd like a quarter pounder.
A half pounder.
And a half pounder.
A three quarter pounder.
And a three quarter pounder.
And a pounder.
And a pounder.
And then maybe a five pounder.
How about a five pounder?
Is your name Billy?
Is your name Billy?
I'm sorry?
I can't bother with the customers.
What do you care, tough guy?
What do you care about that, tough guy?
How much do you weigh, Lance?
How much do you weigh, Lance?
135.
135.
Wow, you skinny son of a bitch, ain't you?
You skinny son of a bitch.
Hey, Mr. Universe, how's it going?
Hey, Mr. Universe, how's it going?
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Lance, can I get you something?
Can I get you something?
You skinny son of a bitch.
Skinny son of a bitch?
I'm going to pull this tablecloth right off the table.
I'm going to pull this tablecloth right off the table.
And leave the ashtray in place.
And leave the ashtray in place.
Here we go.
One, two, three.
Here we go.
One, two, three.
Yeah.
Good job.
What do you think?
What do you think?
Pretty good.
Pretty good, huh?
I can do one of two things.
I can either ask you to leave like I'm doing, and you can leave, or I'll call
the police and
have them move you.
You ever seen the jazz box?
You ever seen the jazz box?
Here we go.
Here we go.
Hi, ladies.
Ladies.
My name's Jeffrey.
My name is Jeffrey.
What do you want?
What would you want?
I would like the tomato and mozzarella professional sandwich, please.
I'll tell you what.
I'm going to have to go across the street and get it there.
I'll tell you what.
I'm going to have to go across the street to get it there.
Because they know how to make a sandwich.
Because they know how to make a sandwich.
We don't know what the hell we're doing here.
We don't know what the hell we're doing here.
But we're just playing grab ass in the kitchen today.
We're just playing grab ass in the kitchen today.
Oh, grab ass.
How do you do, man?
My name is Steve.
How do you do, man?
My name is Steve.
Can I get you anything?
Can I get you anything?
No, thanks.
How about some more napkins?
How about some more napkins?
They're on me.
They're on me.
Stay right there.
I'll get some napkins.
Stay right there.
Here you go.
Here we go.
Knock yourself out, honey.
Knock yourself out, honey.
Are you talking to Mayor McCheese?
Are you talking to Mayor McCheese?
$5,474.
One second there.
Hey, Dave.
Yes, sir.
I don't have enough money.
Would you like some fresh ground pepper?
Would you like some fresh ground pepper?
Let me put a little fresh ground pepper on that bread.
Let me put a little fresh ground pepper on the bread.
Would you stop it?
I'm serious.
What's the problem?
What's the problem?
It's a condiment.
This is a condiment.
You're ever been the hell out of me.
I don't want pepper on my bread, okay?
I said no.
Where would you like the pepper?
Where would you like the pepper?
I don't want any right now.
All right.
How about your friend?
How about your friend?
I want you to get out of my face.
I want another waiter.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
Who are you?
Martha Stewart?
Who are you?
Martha Stewart?
What are you wearing over there by the rim?
By the rim.
By the rim?
Yeah, just with your thumb down in it.
Yeah.
Get it down in there.
Just get it all the way in.
Is it in the water?
Yeah.
Okay.
There you go.
You know, I don't want to take that back.
Just take it back.
What's the problem now?
What's the problem now?
Put your finger in my glass.
Just get out of here, okay?
It was my thumb.
It was my thumb.
Your thumb, your finger, whatever.
I don't want it.
Rupert?
Can you see if they've got, like, rubber gloves you can carry it out with?
Can you get your thumb down in it?
Yeah.
Here you go.
Have a deal, you got it.
Oh, my gosh.
That was awful, wasn't it?
Crazy.
You must have been very uncomfortable doing that.
Yeah, I was.
Oh, my God.
Well, thank you again, and continued success in the future.
Rupert G., ladies and gentlemen.
So, hello, Delos.
We'll be right back.
Here we go.
Thank you.