Name: George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 6: 1985-1986
Uploaded: 2020-10-18T02:20:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 6: 1985-1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 6: 1985-1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-18. Transcript available.

George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 6: 1985-1986

My next guest is a very funny gentleman.
He will be working here in New York City at Caroline's,
where watering the drinks is an art all its own.
Please welcome Mr. George Miller.
George!
Have a seat.
Nice to see you.
Thank you very much for being here.
Thank you very much for having me.
I showed up, as you see.
That's right.
What's the deal on your shirt?
Well, Louie Louie, I was up in Seattle for a few weeks,
and they're trying to make Louie Louie into the state song
rather than Washington, my home, which is a very dull number.
So I'm kind of promoting it.
There's a guy named...
Let me tell you this whole boring story.
This isn't true, is it?
This is true.
This is actually true.
My friend Gordon MacLeod, who's in the back,
just heard it on the news, in fact, the national news.
And I had kind of wanted to go with Dr. Doctor.
Oh, I'm shouting like Gallagher was.
I'm sorry.
Dr. Doctor by the Thompson Twins.
That was my first choice, because the lyrics are very intriguing.
You know this song?
I've heard it, sure.
Dr. Doctor, can't you see I'm burning, burning.
So apparently this guy has two problems.
He's on fire, and he repeats himself.
So that was your first choice.
That was my first choice, but...
Now Louie Louie seems to be the frontrunner.
Louie Louie is the frontrunner.
Yeah, Ross Schaefer is the guy who started this,
a guy who runs a comedy show called Almost Live,
or maybe it's Almost Entertainment, I'm not sure which,
in Seattle.
No, it's a very good comedy show, and he's got the ball rolling.
It's the city of Seattle, Office of the Mayor Proclamation.
That's my proclamation.
It's George Miller Day.
George Miller Day.
It's next Monday.
April 22nd, 1985.
I hope all of you can fly out just for that day.
George Miller, comedian extraordinaire.
Right, right, I've read that.
Native of the Pacific Northwest,
which is sounding like you lived in the woods in a lumber camp up there.
Has never performed in Seattle.
Well, years ago with the old Hungry Wart,
but not since that time.
Not since that time, yeah.
You want me to read the rest of this?
No, I don't want you to read it.
I want to tell you what it is.
It's going to be George Miller Day,
and I think probably everybody in Seattle
will devote all their waking hours
just thinking of me and my activities on that day.
The banks will be closed.
Nobody can get mail, so it's going to be quite an event.
And it's issued by Mayor Charles Royer,
who obviously has nothing to do.
I like how under his name, he writes the word mayor,
so like folks aren't sure.
Yeah, well, he didn't want you to think he was the fire inspector.
Now, is your family in Seattle proud?
Your mom?
My mom is proud.
My dad, as you know,
my dad and I have never really gotten along.
When I was a little kid,
I used to overhear my dad sometimes
talking to my mom at night about me.
There's no learning disability, Helen.
He's just stupid.
And he'd always...
It hurt your feelings.
It did hurt my feelings tremendously.
And as I was growing up,
he'd always look down at me
and he'd always say the same thing.
You're no good.
You have never been any good.
You're no good.
You have never been any good.
And sometimes we'd both get bored with that
and we'd have to change it.
You're no good.
Have I ever been any good?
No.
Oh, thank you very much.
Get a little improv there.
Yeah, that was very nice.
My favorite form of comedy improv,
a notch above charades.
Yeah.
And so that's it for your family in Seattle.
Yeah, really.
My mom is very proud,
but my dad doesn't care.
How about dating?
You've been dating a lot?
Well, the last time I was in New York...
You're really kind of a ladies' man.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I have him just coming out of the woodwork.
And I'll tell you this story.
Now, this is an interesting story.
Last time, my friend Gordon McClee,
who I mentioned earlier,
he got me this blind date.
And he was kind of like...
He was kind of getting a little personal.
He said,
Have you ever done it with two women?
And I said,
No, not even separately.
So...
So he says,
Have I got...
You know,
this is going to be a blind date.
Great girl.
Excuse me.
Lady.
Even though she was 12.
It's got to be a lady.
So, no, she wasn't 12.
So I went over there,
and he says she's great, right?
And I'm thinking with Gordon,
you know,
maybe that's not really right.
Maybe the door is going to open
and Haystack Calhoun
is going to be standing there, right?
But I go over,
and she was a knockout.
Just a knockout.
And I went inside,
and she whined
the whole evening long.
I'm hungry.
I'm just famished.
I said,
Well, take a vitamin pill
with no water.
It'll get stuck in your throat.
That'll fill you up.
So she said,
she kept whining,
Let's do something different.
So I took her over
to Tattoos Against Your Will
over in Queens.
They've been there.
Have you been over there?
So we're coming back
from Tattoos Against Your Will
with big eagles
that we didn't,
you know,
we didn't want.
And she's,
you know people who do this?
She's describing
her own characteristics.
It was so boring.
She's,
Yes,
I always tell the truth.
And of course,
I don't really think
you should always tell the truth.
I think sometimes
you should lie.
Like if you're talking
to somebody
and you get carried away
and you spit on the person,
everybody's done that.
And the first thing you say,
Did I spit on you?
The person should lie.
They should say,
No, you did not.
Yeah.
They should not say,
That's all right.
It was only about a pint.
So in that case,
I guess I would agree with you.
That would be okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So then,
so then,
so then we go back
to her house, right?
And then she got into
that textbook talk,
you know,
those kind of conversations
about wants and needs
and goals.
She says,
Tell me a couple of your goals.
I say,
Well,
I want to have sex with you
and then leave.
That would be two.
Yeah, right.
And after a while,
I didn't even care
about the sex part.
I just wanted to leave.
So it was no problem.
So that's it for dating.
That was the end of that.
Yeah,
that was the end
of my New York
Now tell me about your,
I know that you're
writing a book now.
I am writing a book
and I have some excerpts
for you.
I'll show you after the show.
I'm dying to read those.
Yeah.
And so anyway,
I thought that since
I'm going to be an author,
a high-powered author,
that I should definitely
start reading a lot more.
I think I read
The Blackboard Jungle
in 1940 or something like that.
That was the last book.
I'm trying to catch up now.
Yeah,
I'm trying to catch up.
And so I read this new
anti-self-help book,
Your Crummy Life
Will Never Change.
I read that.
And they bring out the fact
in all the positive
thinking books,
and maybe you've read this also,
that when you talk to somebody,
that you always should try
to use their name
quite a bit
because it makes them
feel kind of important.
And then I think
some people kind of
overdo that.
How you doing, Bob?
Gee, I haven't heard from you
in about six months, Bob.
Well, that's damn nice of you, Bob.
Because I keep thinking
about the guy
on the other end.
Well, gee,
I wonder if my name
could be Bob.
This, of course,
being the phone, I guess.
Yeah, that was the phone.
I switched hands.
Yeah, I know.
I switched hands.
It's a good effect.
Yeah.
It's nice.
You catch on so quick.
Woo!
I was, uh,
have you ever had
Wayne Dyer on your show?
Uh, no.
He writes a lot of those, uh,
those, uh...
Yeah, we had him on
and made quite an impression
on all of us.
He writes, well,
there's been a lot of those, uh,
he says do what you want to do
and to heck with everybody else.
And I know you follow
that philosophy.
No, I don't.
And there's a lot of books
out now that advocate
that philosophy.
Your erroneous zones,
looking out for number one,
how to be your own selfish pig.
There's a whole bunch
of these books on.
And are you one of these books?
Do you have time for this?
We get it.
We gotta wind it up here.
Keep looking at this blue card.
You gotta wind it up.
Do you have one big one
to get us off with here, George?
I have, uh, well,
I wouldn't go so far
as to say that.
Uh...
So, it says...
Well, do you have anything
that at least has
a logical conclusion?
Anyway, he says,
uh, in an awkward,
in an awkward,
embarrassing situation,
you don't freeze up,
you pay a compliment.
Oh, pay a compliment.
Right?
So, that'll ease the tension.
So, I'm talking to this guy.
I didn't know him very well.
His toupee
blew onto the sidewalk.
Really embarrassing.
So, I says,
gee, I like your hair
like that.
Okay.
All right.
George Miller.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we'll be at Caroline's
here in New York City
all this week.
And Blocks,
my hometown in Seattle,
Blocks on Queen Anne
next Monday,
the 22nd through the 28th,
and University of Alabama
at Huntsville
on May the 4th.
Thank you very much.
in a dental appointment
on Friday.
Nice to see you, George.
We'll be back
with Jimmy Pearsall.
We'll be back
with Jimmy Pearsall.
my next guest is a very talented comedian.
This man will be appearing tomorrow
through the 16th
at Stanford and Sons
in Kansas City.
and at the end of the month,
he will be at Chip Flato's.
That's Chip Flato.
At Chip Flato's
San Antonio Comedy Club.
Ask for it by name.
Please welcome
a very funny man,
Mr. George Miller.
George!
George!
Okay, I think I've done enough.
Goodbye.
I was in Hollywood
about two weeks ago.
It was real hot, right?
It's like 90 degrees,
and I'm driving around,
and the air conditioning
in my car is broken,
and I got my window rolled up
because of the smog,
so I open my air vent.
What a wonderful contraption,
the air vent.
Now, my body's on fire,
but my left knee is cool.
The air vent,
about as useful as wet...
The air vent.
So, I go over,
I drive over to a place called,
it's a great restaurant,
Lowry's The Prime Rib.
Right?
Yeah, it's not,
no, it's not Lowry's Prime Rib,
it's Lowry's The Prime Rib.
I was only in there once before
with my brother,
The Deadbeat.
I like to talk about restaurants
and food,
because a lot of people today
in this country
have what they call
an eating disorder.
Well, gee,
I just thought I was
a big, fat pig.
No, no.
You have an eating disorder.
Oh, I feel a lot better now.
You ever do this?
You eat a lot of food,
you gain a lot of weight,
and then you go on a motor trip
and you're fat in the car,
your legs are puffing
out of your pants,
you are your own airbag.
You ever stay home
and get high
and then you order out
for your food
and when they bring the food
and pound on your door,
it scares the hell out of you?
Pizza man becomes
Gestapo knock.
And when I said high,
I meant getting high
from alcohol
because you'd think
with all the alcohol
rehabilitation ads on
that everybody's an alcoholic.
They got that one
for the care unit.
The lady's face down in bed
and the husband's
talking to her.
I told the kids
mommy was sick again.
I didn't tell them
mommy has another hangover.
If you don't call somebody,
I'm gonna have to call somebody.
Now, with this guy around,
I wonder why she drinks.
He should call
Snivelers Anonymous.
Some of the ads on TV
are really dumb.
There's that
toilet bowl cleaner bully
and they sing this song,
Don't be bullied
by your bowl.
Bully your bowl.
Instead,
this has to be
assertiveness training
at the lowest
possible level.
Don't be bullied
by your bowl.
Bully your bowl.
Instead,
does it have to be
one or the other?
I'm willing to meet
my bowl halfway.
And they're always
talking about people
on television
who have
occasional irregularity.
Isn't that redundant?
Is it possible
to be irregular
all the time?
There's a lot of
odd terminology
on TV.
Sometimes the newscasters
will say
somebody had an overdose
of PCP,
an overdose.
Does this mean
there's a right amount
we should be taking?
And the answer is
no,
you shouldn't take any
because it's a real
dangerous drug.
But there's a lot
of odd terminology
in the newspapers,
in the help wanted section,
the employers always say,
we're looking for
a self-starter.
Self-starter?
I always picture
some guy walking around
with a key in his 