Name: George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 4 of 6: 1987-1989
Uploaded: 2020-10-19T16:54:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 4 of 6: 1987-1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 4 of 6: 1987-1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-19. Transcript available.

George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 4 of 6: 1987-1989

Thank you very much, Paul, and welcome back to the show.
Coming up in the next half hour, Del Shannon will be out here to play and sing
with our band Runaway, right?
Tomorrow on the program, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Olivia Brown, and nine-year-old opera
singers from PS 107 in Brooklyn.
That'll be tomorrow night.
And let's bring out our next guest at this moment right now.
If you're spending February, February, in Ohio this year, you can catch my next
guest.
We'll be working at the Cleveland Comedy Club on the 18th through the 21st and
also at the Akron Canton Comedy Club on the 25th through the 28th.
Folks, please say hello to a good friend, comedian George Miller.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
How you doing?
I am too.
Where are you all from?
I am too.
Good.
Good.
I'm recording this one.
I'm recording.
I got the Sony in the back.
So even if you hate me, laugh anyway because I already have a lot of tapes
where I bomb.
Thank you very much.
So Oral...
Way too late.
Oral Roberts said to his viewers, send me $100 or I'm going to die.
It's kind of a cash or croat program, I guess.
Right?
So I sent him 50 bucks.
If he gets sick, I'll send the other 50, I guess.
I don't know.
What was the thought, you know?
And the Iran-Contra thing just goes on and on.
Now, yesterday, the White House denied that Reagan knew anything at all about
his prostate
operation.
Ow!
Ow!
Yes, to you too.
Another ow to you.
Yeah.
And I want to talk about food tonight.
7-Eleven had a great sign.
Fresh coffee or it's free.
So apparently if they give you old stale coffee, you don't have to pay for it.
Quite a deal.
And I'm in at Denny's getting lunch because I spare no expense.
And I got the salad with the small tomatoes.
There was a stem attached to one of the tomatoes.
And there was a Mexican attached to the stem.
They're booing and it's like one minute old.
Why are they booing so soon?
Now, I was in this fancy restaurant.
Those hoity-toity places, boy.
Real nervy waiter wanted to make sure I knew about the tipping procedure.
Comes right over to my table.
He said, I ate 15 or 20 percent.
Oh, no.
I eat everything on my plate.
They specialize those fancy places.
They really specialize.
The butter waiter came over and gave us some butter.
The coffee waiter came over and gave us some coffee.
The water waiter came over and gave us some water.
The head waiter came over.
They really specialize those fancy places.
Hey, listen, if you've seen me on this show before, you know I am the comic who's
always looking for a gimmick.
Something that'll shoot me to the top.
For a while, I was the irritated comic.
Here's some stuff that I don't like.
I don't like it when people give their animals too much credit.
Yeah, my cat, she's mad at me today.
Oh, yeah, she's planning on moving out.
Yeah, right, yeah.
I don't like a lot of television shows.
I saw putting on the hits.
I felt like turning on the gas.
And Siskel and Ebert are always at the movies together because neither one of
them can get a date.
Gee, I wonder why a fat guy and a gay boy.
What a mystery.
That's just a joke.
I said that for a cheap laugh.
Siskel is not gay, but the other one really is a watch.
And CBS has a new morning show, and the emphasis, they say, is on humor.
And one of the hosts is Mariette Hartley, who's about as funny as running your
toe into furniture.
And Vanna White has a new book out.
Vanna White has a book.
It's called Vanna Speaks.
Yeah, but just barely.
And Barbara Streisand did a special, a cable special, that he kept bragging.
Her first televised concert in 20 years.
Well, I can top that.
I haven't done any.
Well, I did do one.
That's not true.
I did do one.
I talked about my mom.
My mom always gives lectures.
Even if she doesn't know a person, she'll give the old lecture.
One time we're on a bus.
There's a kid about 9 or 10 years old.
She's got his arm dangling out the window like kids do.
My mom did know him.
She had to give a lecture.
Young man, that's a good way to lose an arm.
The kid was sarcastic.
He said, thank you.
Could you tell us some of the other ways?
Does your mom always make a big deal out of everything?
Would you like a cracker while I've got them out?
Oh, yeah, Mom.
Wouldn't want to blow this golden opportunity.
Oh, I had this blind date, okay?
And boy, you know, I shouldn't say this about the women
because men do it all the time, too.
She kept bragging about how young she looks.
She's about 35.
She says, yeah, sometimes I even get asked for ID.
Do you think I look underage?
I said, well, maybe for Social Security, but...
Well, she was real overweight, you know, and then she kept asking for
compliments all night long.
Do you think I have bedroom eyes?
Yeah, and a kitchen butt, too.
Hey, I really enjoyed talking to you.
Thank you very much.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot.
Hey, I'll be right back, folks.
Yeah, smell of a monkey.
Thank you very much, Brian.
George, now, did you get any other...
You were on the show a while back, and you asked for suggestions to help you
find a gimmick.
Yeah, we gave a post office box, and we literally did have hundreds of replies,
and we said that the winner, although it wasn't really a contest,
because NBC has a log-ins contest,
the winner would get a can of chili.
So these are like the eight...
Well, you used to give away those sponges, so...
Yeah.
So, anyway, these are the best eight, or some of the best eight.
Number one...
Will these people get chili?
No, and just number one will get chili.
Now, these are the things that I'm supposed to do to become famous and have a
nice gimmick.
Viewers sent these to your mailbox.
Viewers say, yeah, this is...
You've got some strange people watching your show.
Number eight.
Yeah!
This is like a top ten list, but we're not doing the thing.
Okay.
During every appearance, announce you are looking for a good clam bar.
I thought that was good.
That was good.
I don't exactly understand that, but I like it.
Number seven.
Associate yourself with the Kennedy family.
In fact, say you are Ted Kennedy.
Uh-huh.
Well, that's...
Yeah.
Something?
You can't argue with success, no.
No, that's true.
Okay, number six.
You need a big, ugly scar.
Well, you kind of have the sweater.
Yeah, that's good.
I was going to say my head.
Number five.
Publicly state on The Letterman Show, you are the bastard son of Martin Milner.
These are your viewers.
I like that.
All right.
Number four.
Number four.
Why aren't those guys booing?
Number four.
Advocate devil worship for youngsters.
Uh-huh.
Number three.
Sponsor a comedy competition.
After all, Bob Hope is a mediocre golfer.
Yeah.
Not very nice.
Number two.
Clever, though.
Clever, I thought.
Yeah.
Number two.
Change your name to Noon.
Noon.
Noon.
Noon, yeah.
I guess if I got high, it could be high noon.
I don't know.
And number one.
This is for the chili.
This is for the chili.
For the chili.
Commit suicide.
You'll only be remembered after you're dead.
Well, that's very nice.
Are you going to mail them off the chili?
Awesome.
Well, thank you.
One person got the chili, number one.
That's Kathy Kwai from Seattle, Washington.
And I am from Seattle.
She'll get a can of chili.
She'll get a can of chili.
And some people will think because I'm from Seattle, but it's favoritism.
It is not.
I really thought that was the best entry.
But just to, what do the politicians say, to avoid any appearance of impropriety,
as soon
as Kathy gets the chili, she has agreed for her and her entire family to move
to Orlando, Florida, where they'll be spending the rest of their lives.
So, that's it.
Thanks for sending in those entries.
How is your family, speaking of family?
Well, I went to Seattle at Christmastime, and my Uncle Louis was very, very
depressed.
Did I meet Louis once or one time ago?
I don't think so.
No, I don't think so.
He's, for 30 years, Louis thought he could do hypnosis, and then recently he
found out it was just his normal conversation that was putting people to sleep.
See, that must have been depressing.
It was really depressing.
Extremely depressing.
Yeah, you just came in from California?
Yeah.
How are things in Hollywood?
Well, you know, my Hollywood friends and I have been concerned about a number,
about a number of
things.
One of them, and I wrote it down in this gimmick sheet list.
This is from the Hollywood Press.
These smutty, dirty tabloids.
This is from a personal's column in the Hollywood Press.
I'm looking for a lady to show me a few things.
The one I need should have had experience with 800 or 900 different men.
If you qualify, call right away.
No tramps, please.
George Miller will be in Ohio at your big tour through the Buckeye State.
No tramps, please.
The 18th through the 21st at the Cleveland Comedy Club.
George, good to see you again.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
We'll be right back.
No, I wasn't smoking.
Our next guest is a frequent visitor to this show, and this Friday and Saturday,
he will
be appearing at Chuckles in Mineola, Long Island.
I'd be proud to go there.
He'll be there from, actually, from April 14th through the 18th.
He'll be at the Comedy Cafe in Charleston, South Carolina.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back a very funny man, George Miller.
Thank you.
Now, the statement of the year, I think, so far is Jerry Collins, the racetrack
owner from
Florida, he gave Oral Roberts $1.3 million and said, Roberts needs psychiatric
help.
One time, I went to budget psychiatrist, $3 a visit.
Oh, you get what you pay for?
I'm threatening suicide.
He's saying, you got to do what you got to do.
How about that guy, Robert McFarlane, the guy high up in government?
He tried to suicide with a Valium, right?
He was in the hospital for a while, and then he got out.
And this is true now.
I thought this was a nice gesture.
It was in the paper.
Somebody sent him a video cassette of James Stewart's It's a Wonderful Life.
Very uplifting movie, yeah.
I sent him blue velvet, and now he's back in the hospital again.
You see the Grammys?
Burt Bacharach and Carol Bayer Sager, they won the award for Most Impressed
with Their Own Award.
The Baby M case, I was really glad for the Stern family that they won.
It doesn't have anything to do with a contract.
I just don't want to see any kid having to grow up with the name Whitehead.
Applause already.
There's already applause.
I'm feeling good.
I lost a few pounds.
I've been on the NyQuil diet for about eight and a half years now.
You drink enough NyQuil, it'll help you lose weight.
It doesn't really curb your appetite, but most of your food falls on the floor.
I've been doing a lot of comedy clubs.
A lot of comedy clubs are named after types of laughter.
David admitted, I was going to say.
He mentioned that I'm going to be at Chuckles in Mineola on Friday and Saturday.
Chuckles.
And about a year ago, I was at a real good club in Seattle called Giggles.
And, yeah, next month I'm going to Titters and Snorts.
I travel around with my wife and daughter.
She's 13 now.
And my daughter is four, so it's working out pretty good.
More applause.
More applause.
Okay.
I haven't always done this.
I used to sell hearing aids door to door.
That's a tough job because your best prospects never answer.
I recently flew up to Seattle.
I hate those irritating signs that you see on every airplane.
No smoking.
No foomer.
I don't mind not smoking, but I will not give up my foomer.
And I'm visiting my mom, and your mom is such a big influence on you.
I remember when I was a little kid, something I'll never forget.
My mom said, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well.
And because of that, to this day, I haven't done a damn thing.
Applause.
More applause.
The third applause.
At one point, for a couple of months since I was growing up, we lived with my
grandparents.
I think because of their influence, to this day, I still get along well with
elderly people,
unless they brag about their age.
Look at me.
I'm 94 years old.
Well, good.
That means you'll be passing away soon.
Laughter.
Hey, you know what I hate is whe