Name: George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 5 of 6: 1990-1993
Uploaded: 2020-10-20T04:53:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 5 of 6: 1990-1993' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 5 of 6: 1990-1993' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-20. Transcript available.

George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 5 of 6: 1990-1993

- Hey, hey, ten days, shark blood, ladies and gentlemen.
- That's right.
- No, what is that?
Our first guest tonight, an old friend of ours,
and he comes to be on the program all the time.
From February 15th through the 18th,
he will be performing at a place called It's Comedy
in Cleveland, Ohio.
Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny man,
here's George Miller.
- George Miller, ladies and gentlemen.
George, how you doing? Happy New Year, nice to see you.
- Thank you very much, thank you very much.
- Made any New Year's resolutions?
- Yeah, I wanted to say one thing before we started the resolutions,
and I mentioned this the last time I was on the show,
and there was an airline, remember they had not refunded by 180 bucks,
and because they're money-grubbing pigs.
- Right.
- And I talked about them last time, and I said if I didn't hear from them,
I'd be talking about them again.
- Uh-huh.
- And they still have, I've not heard from them,
180 bucks they owe me, they're money-grubbing pigs.
And again, I can't tell you the name,
but I can tell you that it is an American airline.
- Good for you.
Good for you.
Good for you.
Good for you.
- Very nice.
- You're letting me make that announcement.
- I had kind of a nasty experience
- What happened?
- flying on an airline recently myself.
- What happened?
- Well, I don't want to take time away from you.
- No, let's listen to it.
I like to save material.
Let's hear some.
- No, tonight is not the night to be saving the ammo.
- You know what always happens to me,
and I've told this before on the airplane,
any time I have lunch or dinner,
I always, the same thing happens,
I burn my tongue on one of those piping hot rolls.
- Why don't they put a warning on those things,
as you said one time?
- Yeah, yeah.
So anyway, now, New Year's resolutions?
- Well, I had a lot of New Year's resolutions.
One is not to be such a wimp.
I've been a wimp all my life.
I'm continuing to be in high school.
Thank you.
I was...
She laughed at me.
I said, "Thank you.
That's a wimp sign."
I was kicked off the debate squad
and...
I'm getting a funny face.
I was born with it, thank you.
I was kicked off the debate squad in high school,
because I kept saying things to the opposing team like,
"Well, gee, maybe you're right."
And...
So, I don't know.
I'll give you an example.
I'm trying to get out of stuff like this.
A couple of months ago,
I called the information operator.
Can you give me the number for the Fox Theater?
She rattles it off.
I hang up.
I promptly forget it.
Call back.
One in a million.
I know it's the same operator.
I say, "Okay, I'll disguise my voice."
"No, that's wimpy."
You know?
"No, I'm not going to do that.
I'm a man.
I'm strong."
I say, "Listen, can you give me the number for the Fox Theater?
I'm a different person."
You actually said that.
Yeah, I think I forgot about a sentence of that joke, by the way, also.
I'm not sure.
It didn't seem like it here.
Right.
It didn't seem right.
It's about the right length.
You know, there was a guy...
I was going to mention this later.
There's a guy who's very famous now,
and we both know him.
I won't mention his name, but it is an American airline.
No.
But you see him later.
He was always very friendly in the old days,
and now you see him.
He's famous, and I say, "Yeah, how you doing? How you doing?"
And I thought maybe he'd become kind of big-headed.
Yeah.
And then I figured out what had happened.
This guy is tired.
Success has made him tired.
Worn him out.
I noticed when you got more successful, you were more tired.
You're doing more things.
And this really worries me, because I want to become very successful in show
business.
But I'll be honest with you, I'm pretty tired now.
In my entire life, there hasn't been one single second when I didn't feel like
lying down.
Yeah.
And I'm afraid if I get real successful, I might just flat-out die.
Success would be too much for you, then, is what you're saying.
Yeah, well, perhaps not for everyone, then.
And a gimmick?
Do you have a gimmick yet?
You were always a comic looking for a gimmick.
Well, I've been doing a lot of TV watching.
I'm kind of the TV comic tonight.
And I've been watching this thing with, well, Richard Ramirez was on the news,
the Night Stalker.
Oh, the Night Stalker in Los Angeles.
Yeah.
First of all, there was a Night Stalker.
Serial killer.
Horrible.
Horrible.
And the Night Stalker.
Like 15 people he killed.
Right.
Yeah, this is a good set-up for a joke.
And there was a Night Stalker.
Grizzly murders.
There was a lot of blood and stuff, yeah.
I know one of the relatives, by the way.
But there was a Night Stalker movie about three years ago.
It had nothing to do with Richard Ramirez, a science fiction movie.
And the slogan in the paper was, "You must die so he may live."
Which sounds like an agent deal.
Like a deal that my agent might have cooked up for me.
Yeah.
But anyway, Ramirez, on the penalty phase of the trial, I followed that one up
too.
On the penalty phase of the trial, his lawyer actually said, after he killed
these 13 people,
that he could call like a hundred people in his defense.
But Ramirez didn't, he wanted to spare them the spotlight.
So, I think that's the thing with mass murderers.
They're always very considerate of other people.
So.
And there was a guy in Oklahoma City who got, this is true, 2700 years.
A week later they reduced it to 900 years.
Right.
I guess it was just his lucky day.
Yeah.
I don't know.
You guys really breathe in a sire relief.
You know what, Morty?
The old set didn't make noises.
Oh, there's noises?
Oh, there's noises.
This is humming here.
You notice humming?
I didn't notice that, no.
Yeah, these buildings were humming.
I thought maybe that was you.
Maybe a flash fire in our future.
We have to do a commercial.
We'll be right back here with George Miller.
Welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen, George Miller is here.
And you know I spent a lot of that trip damp.
Damp?
Is that right?
On my recent vacation.
So here's what it was.
I was sick and damp.
Oh, that's too bad.
You ever been seasick?
I have never been seasick.
Oh, man.
I take Dramamine once in a while just for fun.
I don't know what that means.
I want to tell you about these commercials I've been seeing.
Sure, Pops.
Yeah.
Pops?
I want to tell you.
There's an ad that they revived in Los Angeles.
I don't know when you lived out there if they had it.
It's a great ad.
The guy says, "We're the Acne Insurance Company.
We're selling insurance."
And I always think, try to hold the line on that diversification.
Right?
And then you got Madge, the lady with the palm olive liquid.
Oh, yeah.
The fixture on commercial television.
She's been on forever.
Yeah, now I heard, I heard, because she's getting too old looking, they're not
going to use her anymore.
Is that right?
Yeah, maybe she should have soaked her face in it.
Maybe so.
Maybe so.
Could have prolonged the career, perhaps.
I don't know.
I don't know.
You never know.
You never know.
You have to use these tricks.
Sure.
Yeah, you got to think on your feet.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And Nuprin, see what you do, you half listen to TV.
Why am I yelling?
You half listen to TV.
Why are you pointing at your head?
I don't know, because you...
Do you need a fill up?
I think I hear something in there.
I'm a quart low.
Remember those jokes?
Yeah.
So anyway, Nuprin, you half listen to TV, because you got it on.
And Nuprin, they described their product, I actually thought they were talking
about the
Japanese.
Different.
Little.
Yellow.
Better.
No, no, no, no, no.
Let's, uh...
I got a little confused.
Let's, uh...
There's a lady, I'm not through with this section.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
There's a lady, and she keeps saying 20 times a day, "Irregularity used to be a
problem."
Well, what is it now, an opportunity?
And the guy says, "Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"
"No, I just had a physical.
I'm feeling much better."
I...
Oh, wow!
He said, "Oh, wow" over there, and then they applaud it.
Uh, so tell us a little bit about your personal life.
What do you...
What do you do to relax?
What do you, uh...
Well, I know what you do.
You like to go to bars and pick fights.
And I...
I would like to go with you, but as you know, I was once beaten up by Marvin
Hamlish, so I
can't go along.
Yeah, but that was a lucky punch, wasn't it?
Well, that was my...
Well, that was my fault.
I had taken a swing at Ronnie Millsap, and Marvin stepped in.
I see, I remember that.
But I...
Who did that used to be in that joke?
Who was it before?
I used to be, uh...
You took a swing at somebody else in that joke.
Well, there was the guide dog joke.
No, no.
You used to take a...
You took a swing at somebody else.
I don't...
Another blind guy.
Anyway, I don't know...
Look, let's just...
Just to stay within the safety of my little act.
Do you mind?
So...
So, uh...
Anyway, what were we talking about?
Give me the subject.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Oh, what I like to do.
I love to, uh...
Well, as you know, I've never talked about this publicly.
In the summertime, I like to go to Dodger Stadium and handcuff myself to
bathroom pipes.
And...
You just do that for the fun of it, huh?
Yeah, and, uh...
Here's an all-around thing you could do, not just in a summer...
It doesn't bother you that people aren't just screaming with laughter at this
point?
I don't care.
Oh, it doesn't...
Does it matter?
I don't give a damn as long as I'm heavily made up.
That's the only thing I care about.
I like to go to bowling alleys.
Where?
What is it?
Who was that?
We don't know who that is, but...
I thought you might like to join...
Howl Gurney, our director, has a little thing worked up.
Award-winning director.
Yeah, sure.
I like to go to bowling alleys and scream out my credit card number over the
public address system.
I like to do that.
And I love to, uh...
I love to call the Home Shopping Network, and when they say, "What can we do
for you?"
I say, "Nothing, thanks. I'm just looking."
Just looking, that's it.
What's that?
I think it's a little bit late, yeah.
We're almost out of time, but before we go, tell us...
What a shocker.
Tell us...
I'm here once a year, and it's three minutes.
We're almost out of time.
I'm trying to squeeze in some more material.
Oh, okay.
Just relax.
I'm trying to avoid that.
What these days really gets you upset?
What gets your goat?
I don't like...
I don't like it, because you're using my dumb guy character.
Now, I had a...
Years ago, I want to tell you about this.
I had this meeting of concerned parents, and one guy got up and he says,
"Well, I believe there's too much violence on television and in the movies."
Then there was this lady at the meeting, and she had to do the old cliche.
"Well, I'd rather have my children see nudity than violence."
Then there was this dumb guy, and he kept saying,
"Wait a minute!
Why can't we have both?"
"I want to see naked people beating the hell out of each other!"
George Miller, ladies and gentlemen.
George Miller!
That's comedy in Cleveland.
I think so.
Thank you.
I'll be at the, uh...
Comedy store on Friday and Saturday in the meeting room.
Comedy store.
Comedy store.
Comedy store.
now you know i'd seen the show and she's lovely looking on television but in
person she's even
lovelier nicer yeah did you see the show at all miss universe no i missed it oh
man miss chili was
also very nice yeah let's have her on tomorrow all right perhaps we will get us
miss chili morty
i was i was going to ask her up to the house for steaks later but i thought i'd
be pushing it
maybe she'll be around after the show yeah yeah i'm sure that's the one thing
nobody stays around
after the show when they're done she's in a cab now
our next guest uh made his contribution to earth day by continuing to recycle
old jokes no that's
that's what that says there uh he will be performing at the penthouse in bellevue
washington on the
fourth and fifth of may ladies and gentlemen please welcome an old friend and a
very funny man here
here's george miller
nice