Name: George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 6 of 6: 1994-2002
Uploaded: 2020-10-20T23:13:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 6 of 6: 1994-2002' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 6 of 6: 1994-2002' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-20. Transcript available.

George Miller Collection on Letterman, Part 6 of 6: 1994-2002

Ladies and gentlemen, when it comes to comedians, our next guest is certainly
one of them.
You can see this man at the Comedy Underground in Seattle, February 18th, 19th,
and 20th.
Folks, do me a favor, get ready to laugh. Here he is, George Miller.
George, come on out here.
Thank you. I'm recording. I got my audio recorder back there, so even if you
don't like me, try to laugh anyway,
because I've already got a lot of tapes where I eat it. Thank you.
So I've been wondering something for months now.
Why would anybody shoot anybody over Joey Buttafuoco?
I got a lot of questions like that I can't answer. Does Richard Dreyfuss really
have a stupid brother named Doofus Dreyfuss?
If somebody says they're a pathological liar, should you believe him?
If you get high and then pray, does it count?
When you see a little old lady loaded down with packages running for the bus,
do you secretly root for the bus?
So Cheers went off the air, one of my favorite shows.
You want to go where everybody knows your name?
Why don't you just stay home with your family?
Here's a quick impression. Here's David Letterman in prison.
Dave in prison.
How much time we got? How are we doing on time?
You want to talk about that lady who keeps breaking into his house now, okay?
Because she, because of all the publicity, she has become the best-known person
to ever come out of her hometown.
In fact, the mayor was going to give her the key to the city, but she told him
she didn't need it.
I want to talk about Bill Clinton, because I think the most interesting thing
he ever said was during that campaign.
He said, in America, we don't have a single person we can waste.
I don't think he's ever seen Richard Simmons.
More laughter from this section, I think, yeah.
Well, Clinton does talk about taxes quite a bit, and this has not been proposed,
but there was talk of a $250 tax on newborns.
So who would have to pay this? The mom? The dad? Maybe the baby would owe it.
The kid's in the hole as soon as he gets out of the...
The most unbelievable thing in 1993, there was a juror in the second Rodney
King trial, had never seen the videotape.
What a newshound this guy must be.
I wondered, are there other things he hasn't seen, like the sky?
I'm dumb on anything mechanical. I once drove from Seattle to New York with my
emergency brake on.
Greyhound fired my ass right after that.
I can never program my VCR, so I get one of these new voice-activated VCRs.
I'm not mechanical, but at least I can talk.
So I get it home, I say, Sunday night, 9 o'clock, Channel 4.
The VCR said, no.
laughter
It's amazing, you've got this gizmo, you tell it to do something, it does what
you tell it.
And I do have one, I didn't have to pay for it.
I went to the department store, I found one I wanted, I told it, go get in the
car.
So I saw indecent proposal finally.
Somebody said to me, would you let your wife sleep with another man for a
million dollars?
I said, well, sure, she's doing it now for free.
Thanks a lot, I enjoyed talking to you.
Thanks a lot.
George Miller, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back.
All right.
We'll be right back.
Our next guest is a very funny gentleman and an old friend of ours.
He will be appearing.
Nice sweater, George.
Did you just get back from Lilyhammer?
Thank you.
He will be appearing at the New Improv in San Juan, Puerto Rico, July 26th
through the 31st.
That's the perfect time to be in San Juan.
And then, after that, you can fly out to Reno, Nevada to see him at the Reno Hilton
next week.
Or no, I guess that comes to be, well, it'll be on the hotline.
Call in and get the information.
Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, a very funny man, George Miller.
George, come on out.
Okay, I was thinking now, stuff happens in California that doesn't happen anyplace
else.
You're late.
I couldn't help it.
The freeway broke.
Oh, yeah.
I was in Las Vegas and I see this real odd thing.
I'm at the Caesars Palace coffee shop and this lady's bawling out her kid.
Eat your potato.
Eat your vegetable.
Don't you know there are starving children at the Tropicana?
I thought this was stupid.
At the Nixon funeral, the media kept saying all living ex-presidents are in
attendance.
Yeah, I had a feeling if they showed up, they would be alive.
What are they going to do?
Prop up Eisenhower?
What are they going to do?
And some similarities among the presidents.
Jimmy Carter's a carpenter, likes to build houses.
And, of course, Clinton wants to nail anything that moves.
Divided opinion.
And I couldn't believe this.
John Wayne Bobbitt, May 6th in Las Vegas, arrested for slapping around his
fiance.
I mean, what is it going to take for this guy?
Well, some couples have pet names for the guy's manhood.
And I always wondered if Bill and Hillary did that.
And then I saw an actual headline.
President goes a year without using veto.
He has been pretty cranky lately.
And Tom and Roseanne, boy, oh, boy.
For a while there, she had a restraining order against him.
He wasn't supposed to go near her.
Gee, that must be tough on a guy.
Sometimes women can be cruel.
I was trying to impress this lady.
And I told her, I said, a while back, I had a near-death experience.
She said, you should try again.
Maybe you can go all the way next time.
Oh, thank you.
Now they're applauding.
I had a lot of regular jobs.
When I would apply for a job, I'd say anything to get it.
I'd lie about my qualifications.
Are you bilingual?
Oh, sure, I'd do it with anybody.
I worked at this medical building for a while.
One time, I overheard this odd conversation.
Uh, doctor, after my plastic surgery, can I take my old face home with me?
Uh, no, we keep that and put it on someone who looks even worse than you do.
So, do you ever smoke a lot of pot and go to the supermarket and wish Campbell's
soups were an alphabetical order?
Here's a couple of things I don't like.
It's people who make a big deal about how many hours they've been awake.
I have been up since 5 o'clock this morning.
Well, you ought to think about going to bed.
What about people who say this?
You're going to get yours.
He's going to get his.
Well, what if he doesn't?
What if there's a mix-up and he gets some of theirs?
This was unbelievable.
In a Miami motel a couple of months ago, a German tourist checked in, went to
bed, noticed a foul smell,
got up the next morning, discovered a corpse underneath the bed.
A corpse.
I mean, how about a meeting of the housekeeping staff?
I stayed at a second-rate hotel in Los Angeles.
I stayed there many times.
They would always try to act like they were better than they were,
like they had a little card in every room.
Did we meet your expectations?
Yeah, I thought it would be crappy.
Yeah.
Hey, I enjoyed talking to you.
Thank you very much.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Enjoyed talking to him, did you?
Yeah, I enjoyed talking to him.
George enjoyed talking to you folks.
A little bit.
We're going to do another commercial.
We'll be right back.
Thanks, George.
Thanks, Casey.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Our next guest is a very, very funny man and an old friend of ours.
And beginning tomorrow, he will be appearing live in Red Wing, Minnesota at the
Treasure
Island Casino.
Ladies and gentlemen, do me a favor, please welcome back to The Late Show,
George Miller.
George, come on out.
Thank you.
Oh.
Please, please have a seat.
Nice to see you, George.
Yeah.
Just as we were doing that, because on another show one time, the audience was
applauding.
Right.
We were shaking hands.
They didn't hear it, but you told me to sit down and shut up, which I thought
was kind
of an odd request for a talk show.
Let's try and put uglinesses behind the show.
All right.
All right.
Let's start.
What have you been up to?
Well, I went to the Grand Canyon.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Man, is that lovely.
What they say about it is true.
You stand there at the Grand Canyon.
You feel so inferior, so insignificant.
Sure.
And then I realized something.
I felt like that before I got there.
Uh-huh.
Well, no.
Uh-huh.
So you're at the Grand Canyon.
Done anything else?
Oh, boy.
An awful thing happened in L.A.
Guy runs into my car, obviously his fault.
His Weasley, to use your word, insurance company, would not pay off.
I said, why?
They said, well, we enjoy collecting premiums, but we don't like paying off on
claims.
We find it kind of bogs an insurance company down.
Too much paperwork or something.
Yeah.
So I wanted to warn everybody.
I'm not going to say the name of the company, but don't do business with these
people.
I can tell you that they're located in a state, but they're not on a farm.
Then, I went to, I don't know if you mentioned it in the intro, I work a lot at
that Riviera
Comedy Club in Las Vegas, which is a nice job.
Uh-huh.
But I'm always depressed when I go to the coffee shop.
Why is that?
Well, there's this lady, I think she lost track of her kid years ago, and she's
always
wandering through the coffee shop trying to find him, calling out his name.
Oh.
Keno.
Keno.
Keno.
I could do one more Keno and drag it out even more.
I don't think that's possible.
Uh, so, uh, now.
Oh, I got married.
Did I tell you I got married?
Yeah.
You got married?
Thank you.
Yeah.
Well, I got married.
Well, I'll tell you, see, I had, the last few years, I haven't been doing too
well with
women.
And you gotta think about it.
Find that hard to believe.
Yeah.
That's what I was thinking you would say.
But, I mean, think about it.
What chance do I have if Charlie Sheen had to pay for it?
Yeah.
I don't know.
So, I married the author, Joyce Carol Oates.
And, well, I see, I had met her when I was doing your show.
Uh-huh.
And we went out to dinner.
Yeah.
And she was very nice.
And after dinner, she started this, uh, "I'd like to do something different."
She talks like that.
"I'd like to do something different tonight."
So, I took her down to Tattoos Against Your Will.
Yeah.
I've been down there.
Yeah.
I've been down there.
Sure.
So, those are my activities so far.
Yeah.
Well, that's good.
Yeah.
Now, it seems like years and years ago, you were kind of struggling to find a
gimmick.
Oh, struggling is right.
You went into, like, some kind of comic gimmick that people could identify with,
and that
would just kind of rocket you to super starting.
My gimmick was I was looking for a gimmick.
Yeah, that's right.
And the whole thing did me absolutely no good whatsoever.
No good.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
I got to do it.
Now, I'm resuming it again.
You have a gimmick.
I have a gimmick.
Tonight, I am the true stupid stuff comedian.
Mm-hmm.
Instead of just jokes, there are some stuff that, some things that actually
happened.
Yeah.
One was about the OJ thing.
The OJ thing.
Yeah, the OJ trial.
The OJ thing.
Yeah, okay.
And, uh, well, true stupid things.
Okay.
Yeah.
And, uh, I thought that Cato was the most important witness.
All right.
Because he was the last person to see OJ before the murders, with the exception
of Nicole
and Ron Goldman.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I thought, see, I kind of felt sorry for Cato because, you know.
Really?
Yeah, he can't get medical insurance because he has a pre-existing condition.
He's a nitwit.
And this, can I do the true stupid thing?
A nitwit.
Oh, I think I spit there.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, that's all right.
This has actually happened.
Guy the pharmacist, my friend.
Yeah.
Guy the pharmacist.
I said to him, true, what'd you think of the verdict?
Right.
He said, I don't think he did it.
He said, what makes you think that?
He says, I think if he had done it, he would have said so.
I said, I don't want you filling any more of my prescription.
You take your guide dog and get on it!
Can I do one more?
Sure, go ahead.
Okay, I thought the most stupid thing of my true stupid stuff category was the
last year,
the guy who tried to assassinate Clinton by shooting at the outside of the
White House.
Oh, what a clever plan.
Well, he's in prison now, you know.
Oh, yeah.
He tried to escape by running in place in his cell.
More applause.
Well, you gotta have a