Name: Dave Chappelle Collection on Letterman, 1994-2014
Uploaded: 2020-10-29T05:31:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Chappelle Collection on Letterman, 1994-2014' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Chappelle Collection on Letterman, 1994-2014' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-29. Transcript available.

Dave Chappelle Collection on Letterman, 1994-2014

Thank you, Paul.
Without question, the peppiest rock and roll song ever written about New York
City.
That one?
Don't you think so?
Central Park and West.
What would be peppier than that one?
There isn't one.
About New York?
Yes.
It's up to you.
That ain't a peppy song!
All right, I'm just kidding.
Our next guest is a wonderful new comedian who's making his first appearance
with us tonight.
We couldn't be happier.
He can be seen regularly at New York's Boston Comedy Club right here in town.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give a nice warm welcome to Dave Chappelle.
Dave, come on out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I got to tell you guys, that was a beautiful New York welcome.
I was in New York City three years ago.
No nice welcomes.
I got off the bus at the Port Authority.
I was all happy.
I said, New York City at last.
Damn.
This whole bus station stinks.
Nah, it'll probably clear up when I get outside.
Every two blocks, I smell something I never smelled before in my life.
Nobody told me black people can't catch cabs in New York.
I tried to catch a cab at the Port Authority.
A crowd started forming.
Everyone just looking at me.
Uh, he's gonna be disappointed.
I was all naive.
I just...
Taxi!
Pfft!
Hmm.
Must not have seen me.
Taxi!
North Brooklyn!
Pfft!
Hmm.
First time I caught a cab on the first try, it scared the hell out of me.
I don't know how to feel about it.
I just...
Taxi!
Uh, you better go ahead.
I mean, I'm not trying to say that being black is all bad.
We got our perks.
Like, you guys, uh, take terrorism, for example.
That's pretty good.
A terrorist has never taken a black hostage in the history of the world.
You will never see a black guy on the news reading one of those letters.
They is treating us good.
Never.
It's true.
You know why they don't take black hostages?
Why?
Because we're bad bargaining chips.
They would call up the White House.
Hello!
We have got five black people!
And we will...
Hello?
Now, don't tense up for me.
I want you guys to think I'm, like, an angry black guy.
I mean, I am an angry black guy, but...
You know what I mean?
I have a right to be an angry black guy, though.
It's different for me.
See, I don't know if you guys believe in reincarnation or not.
But I have been black four lives in a row.
I need a break.
You know what I mean?
When I was younger, I was real angry.
Like, you wouldn't know looking at me, you'd say,
What a nice-looking guy.
Oh, oh, oh.
Well, I got suspended from junior high school 23 times during February.
I was right.
One time, I got hold of all my teachers' home phone numbers.
Now, I feel bad about it now.
But at the time, it was hilarious.
I started calling in death threats.
I called my English teacher, Mr. Johnson.
He was all nice.
He just, hello.
Is this Mr. Johnson?
Uh, yes, it is.
And who might this be?
You're a dead man.
Who is this?
Don't worry about that, punk.
You're gonna die.
Unless you change David Chappelle's grades.
Click.
I'm telling you, man.
You get older, though, you start seeing things for what they are.
See, I'm not angry anymore.
I think it's more a paranoia.
I'm what they call a racially paranoid person.
You know what I mean?
Like, I just started eating chicken in front of white people,
like, three weeks ago.
I'm very proud to say.
Before, I was too scared.
I know it sounds crazy.
I always thought you might say something.
Like, I'd be eating some chicken.
Look at him.
He loves it.
Just like it said in the encyclopedia.
They love chicken.
Don't laugh too much.
We got stereotypes for white people, too.
This one is kind of crazy.
I hope you don't get mad.
Don't be mad.
When I was little, I used to think that all white people don't get angry.
I thought all white people were happy.
Just to be white.
I know it sounds silly, man.
I thought you guys just walked around.
Hallelujah.
I'm white.
This is wonderful.
I feel like I'm king of the hill.
Top of the heap.
A number one.
Taxi.
Just checking.
Go ahead.
Thanks.
You didn't bring your own in, did you?
Oh, no, no.
But I was talking about taking that one.
All right.
No.
Everything's inventoried.
I'm going to collect this.
Nice job, Dave.
Thank you very much.
How old a guy are you?
I'm 20.
I'll be 21 a week from today.
Man, pretty good.
Pretty good.
Pretty damn good.
I feel good about it.
You're doing well for yourself, then.
Yeah.
Well, you know, things are really picking up.
I'm a long way from where I started, which is always a good thing.
Yeah.
You were just overseas.
You were in England, London.
Is that where you were?
Yes, man.
Man, I'm going to tell you something.
I went to England.
I found out it was a fact that the police really don't carry guns.
That's right.
Which I thought was like a myth, man.
People still listen to them.
It's true, man.
You know what they got?
They got these whistles.
It's like the most amazing thing.
I saw a guy running from the cops, like 15 cops chasing them.
I think he stole a pencil or something.
This guy is running.
I mean, he is really, I mean, I thought he was going to get away.
All of a sudden, he just, boom.
Dave, good to have you here.
Happy birthday, sir.
Come back and see us.
Dave Chappelle, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back with Doc's Embracing.
Our next guest is a very talented comedian whose new television series entitled
Buddies debuts
is April 18th on another more powerful network.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the program Dave Chappelle.
Dave!
Hey, everybody.
All right.
Good to be here, folks.
Very good to be here, as a matter of fact.
I just got off the road.
I was in Jackson, Mississippi.
I don't know if any of you guys have ever been to the Deep South before.
It was very nice, but I kind of felt like I was in a big-ass Denny's.
I mean, come on, man.
I had fun, man.
I was a little apprehensive about going.
You know, I get like five miles across the Mississippi border.
I'm driving down the highway, and I see some black dudes running up the
shoulder of the road.
I said, huh?
Hey, hey, buddy.
Hey.
You okay?
Did your car break down?
You need a lift or something?
And I'll never forget it.
This guy looked me right in my eyes.
He said, shh!
We escaping.
I said, you didn't get the memo?
We've been free for some time now.
Thank you.
Now, I'm kidding, Mississippi, because, you know, they just ratified the 13th
Amendment.
Did you know that?
Oh, the 14th Amendment.
Whichever one makes me free.
They just passed away.
You know, I pay close attention to all this little racial history.
There's stuff in New York you guys should see while you're here.
Like in Washington Square Park.
This is interesting.
They have these two big trees where they used to hang criminals back in the old
days.
But they would actually hang white people and black people on different trees.
Like that's going to hurt our feelings, you know.
Like you're going to see a bunch of black people marching.
We want to be hung on the same trees as y'all.
Oh, now, you know, I'm originally from D.C., which was an interesting
experience.
I just went back recently.
Very scary.
I had the most dangerous job in the District of Columbia.
I used to deliver pizzas for Domino's.
I don't know.
They would rob me every day.
I'd come to the door.
Hey, buddy, here's your pizza.
Great.
Put it on the table.
You know.
I had to get a gun.
You don't see a Domino's pizza boy with a gun?
I would bust in people's apartments.
Domino's freeze!
Put them out in the apartment.
Get on the floor, don't move!
Scary stuff, man.
I mean, that was the kind of city, Washington, where you almost wish
superheroes existed.
See, now, normally, I don't like superheroes.
I think they're bad role models for children, if you look at them.
Like, my favorite superhero growing up was the Incredible Hulk.
Loved him.
Figured, he's green, I'm black.
Hey!
Close enough.
I can work with him.
But he was the worst role model of them all.
You ever see his TV show?
Same story every week.
Don't make me angry.
You wouldn't like me if I was angry.
Do you remember what would happen after he said that?
Anybody?
They would beat his ass like an animal.
Then he would get mad and turn into a green monster and beat them up and just
keep on walking like nothing happened.
Every week.
I mean, really, man.
I was watching this thinking, what kind of role model will fight that much?
After five episodes, I was like, hey, buddy.
Maybe it's you.
Maybe you just can't get along with people too well.
Nobody gets their ass kicked every week for nothing.
That's all I'm saying.
And superheroes are prejudiced.
I don't care what anybody says they are.
They only fight crime for the very rich.
You will never see Batman in the projects wasting his time.
I'm going to tell you that right now.
I can see him there.
Just robbing.
Yes, Batman.
Didn't we park the car right here, man?
Nice job, Dave.
Thanks, man.
Very, very funny.
Dave Chappelle.
Come back, sir.
My thanks also to Rebecca Lobo and our congratulations to her and the rest of
the team.
My thanks as well to Dolly Parton and, of course, the Ashton family.
Now, tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen, Bryant Gumbel and Bruce Springsteen.
Oh, my God.
We got Bryant Gumbel.
Are you kidding me?
Here they are once again, the Ashton family.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Our next guest is one of our favorite comedians, and he has his own brand-new
television program entitled Buddies,
which will be on the air for the first time next week, right after Home Improvement.
This is where I belched earlier.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the program Dave Chappelle.
Dave!
You look good.
You look good.
You're looking good.
You must be very excited.
The program has never been on the air, debuting next week.
Is that right?
That is correct.
I mean, you're in good shape right after Home Improvement.
It's a huge, huge hit.
You must be very excited.
Yes, man.
You know what it is, Dave.
When I was growing up, I didn't see too many, you know, brothers on TV.
Not too many black people on TV.
Not too many.
I mean, it was Isaac from Love Boat and a few others.
Well, that was an excellent role model there.
Yeah, man.
And I'm telling you, I used to watch your...
A cruise ship bartender.
Yes, sir.
Slick.
Who wants to be that?
Yeah, I used to watch the show Fantasy Island for like nine years, saw one
brother on that.
He was driving Mr. Rourke's car, Dave.
You can't even think of a better fantasy than that, can't you, brother?
You know?
Stretch a little.
Shoot for the stars.
Absolutely.
Yes, man.
You know, I guess I was raised to pay attention to that kind of thing.
My mom, stickler for that.
She used to play these Malcolm X tapes at the house.
Did any of your parents?
Never mind.
But anyway, for the audience at home, the people here are mostly Caucasian.
It's all good, though.
It's all good.
But, yeah, so she used to play these tapes.
And I mean, you know, Malcolm X doesn't make a lot of sense to a four-year-old.
He'd be saying a little speech, you know, it's like if you have some coffee, it's
too black, too strong.
So what do you do?
You integrate it with cream.
You know, what used to be strong is now weak.
What used to be hot is now cold.
We used to keep you awake.
Well, now it puts you to sleep.
Sometimes you don't even know if you had coffee.
I mean, I was like, what?
Sometimes I don't know if I have coffee.
I see the white man is trying to trick me into drinking tea.
So, now, you moved from where to California?
Where are you from originally?
Originally from D.C.
From Washington, D.C.
You move out there to California.
How long ago did you move out?
Oh, a few years ago, man, and it killed me.
Really?
Yeah, the first week I was there, they stole my car.
It was a rental car.
But it still hurts, you know?
Oh, sure, yeah.
Yeah, I just put gas in it and everything.
Top the tank off.
You feel violated anyway.
Yeah, it's the same thing.
Yeah, well, this is what makes it worse is I called a rental car place and they
send me a Lincoln Town car.
Oh, that's a nice ride, huh?
Well, that's what the guy tol