Name: Hit by Cabs Collection on Letterman, 1994-2006
Uploaded: 2020-10-30T21:55:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hit by Cabs Collection on Letterman, 1994-2006' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hit by Cabs Collection on Letterman, 1994-2006' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-30. Transcript available.

Thank you very much.
Everything alright over there?
Oh yeah, everything's fine.
Oh man, you ever do something, you know, like, I'm still a little sore, just a
little...
You are?
Just a little bruised up a little bit.
What happened?
Oh, it's nothing really.
On the program this evening, ladies and gentlemen, did I mention Aaron Neville,
Kathy Lee Gifford,
and every time I...
Oh, jeez, it's just that shooting.
I don't know if it's a ligament or...
How did you get this?
Oh, it's one of those silly things that you do from time to time,
and then at the time it's not that big a deal and you don't think about it,
and then like a couple of days later, you know, I can hardly move my knees.
I can see that, yeah.
And I ache, and it's just...
And this cold weather doesn't help.
And it's my own...
It's my own fault.
Well, what exactly happened?
It's just one of those things.
It's a silly mistake, and I guess it's the kind of thing that, you know,
if you live in New York City, you get used to.
But I kind of got banged up a little bit, but it's my own fault, but I'll be
fine.
What was it exactly?
You know, it was Monday night was when it was.
After the show, I had to meet some people downtown for dinner,
and then I was coming back to the theater,
and it all happened when I just got out of the cab.
And, you know, I take full responsibility for it.
Yeah, it seems like it was just a couple of nights ago that this happened.
Yeah, it was just a good night, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
It was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Why don't you tell us the story of your experience from parking cars?
Well, one time, a guy just said, "Well, you know, I'll pull up to the tower
drive and it'll
be easier."
As he was walking to the other hotel, he was run over by the valet with his own
car, and
boom, the guy was hit about 10 feet away.
Wow.
So he was run down by a guy parking his own car.
You know, I'm not sure I feel like getting hit by a car.
Regis?
It's me, Dave.
You want to be on the show?
You okay?
Come on.
Wow, that was something.
That was great.
Nice job.
Oh, Dave.
Excellent piece of work.
Oh, Dave.
Regis Philbin, ladies and gentlemen.
Take a bow, Regis.
Why don't you try and ride that bike now?
Oh, I'd love to ride it.
Can I ride it right now?
Yeah, right now.
Be very careful.
Okay.
And then take it outside.
Take it outside.
Don't hurt yourself.
I'm not going to ride it out there.
All right, be careful.
I don't think you can ride that.
I can ride this.
All right.
We'll never forget how to ride a bike.
There he goes.
Out onto 53rd Street.
Okay.
It'd be awful if he gets run down, wouldn't it?
Not bad.
Pretty good.
Pretty impressive.
Let's see Paul.
Let's see how he's doing out there.
Paul Schaefer writing.
Oh, man.
Now he's out on Broadway.
That's pretty cool.
Look at him go.
I had no idea.
Look at how nice Broadway looks this time of year.
Oh, my God, look out.
Oh, no!
Yow!
Geez, are you all right, Paul?
God, I'll never forgive myself.
Is he all right?
Okay.
There he is.
He's okay.
All right.
It's fine.
And a boy, Paul.
We'll be right back with Willie Nelson.
Yes.
Your bike got a little go, right?
A little go.
Okay.
How are we doing on time?
Do we just keep going on this?
Let's keep going?
Okay.
Who's next?
Oh, there we go.
We got another guy.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you?
Don Fees.
Don Fees.
How do you spell that last name, Don?
F-E-E-S.
Oh, you know, I've never heard that name before.
That's unusual and kind of interesting.
Where are you from?
Not a lot.
I'm from Lawrence, Kansas.
Lawrence, Kansas.
Hey.
The heartland.
That's the -- I believe it's the home of the University of Kansas, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Jayhawks.
You go to school there?
Yeah, I'm a student.
I'm not really sure at this point, but --
Very undecided.
What?
And you're in, what, your third, fourth year?
The junior --
Been there three years, has no idea what he's studying.
That's all right.
Why don't you have a seat with John?
You guys ride home together, all right?
What can I do for you?
Well, I'm not gonna be able to stay around for the whole show.
Uh-huh.
And I was wondering if you could show me how it turns out.
Oh, sure.
You wanna see the rest of the show?
Hal, do me a favor.
This guy's gotta leave, going back to Lawrence, Kansas, or something.
Fast forward through the rest of the show.
Let him see what happens.
Okay, watch this.
Good.
Good question.
There we are.
That's Sinbad, right?
Yeah, we're chatting.
Sinbad having a nice time.
No, here's Paul.
What?
Paul grabs --
Oh, it's --
Grabs him.
Wait a minute.
What's --
Oh, my God!
Three.
That's tough.
I guess I'll get to see Sinbad, at least.
Yeah, that's right.
Maybe next time you'll know what you're studying, son.
Let that be a lesson to you.
Is there anybody --
I can't believe that Atlanta wasn't upset about being clubbed by the Yankees
last night.
No, no.
I mean, the man's down there.
He ought to know, for heaven's sakes.
That's right.
Yes, sir.
He's a regular Vin Scully, ain't he?
Yeah.
Paul, what'd you think of Jim Laird?
Oh, man, I'll tell you.
Yeah?
I'll tell you.
The pundits are saying that the GOP should try to consolidate its gains.
In the House and Senate.
But the character issue is still one of those hot-button topics.
You know, ladies and gentlemen.
Meantime, Clinton comes along and goes negative on free trade.
And let's not forget about the wimp factor.
I'll take care of this for us.
Paul, come here.
Campaign spending limits are going to cut in.
The next thing you know.
The next thing you know.
The next thing you know.
Campaign spending limits cut in.
The negative advertising is going to tilt the whole game right out of
proportion.
Now, Peru.
Come on.
Peru's pretty strong.
There we go.
Sure.
Okay, get on.
Then we were four years ago.
That's right.
Here we go.
Who are you going to trust to grow the economy?
That's the whole thing.
Yes.
Voting booth.
Yes.
Hop right in there.
Pull the red lever.
There you go.
The undecideds have got to balance the ticket.
All right.
You just stay right in there, Paul.
Come on.
Stay right in there.
Attaboy.
Stay right in there, Paul.
You just stay in there and vote, buddy.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
That looks like it's mine.
Wait a minute.
Hang on, Paul.
You just stay in there and vote, buddy.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
In the traditional democratic strongholds.
You see, young voters are being disadvantaged.
So the program is repented.
Yes.
That was pretty good.
Paul.
Excuse me, Paul.
That was pretty good, wasn't it?
What was that?
That was something.
What was meant?
How are you?
I feel a lot better.
What was that?
That was something.
What was meant?
How are you?
I feel a lot better now.
You okay?
Yeah.
What's this thing?
Just put that down.
That looked pretty good.
Thanks for that.
I didn't know.
You're all right.
I'm talking about parole.
It's fine.
I'm interrupting the whole show.
It's fine.
What kind of a fool am I?
He's just fine.
To interrupt the show with the political jargon.
You all right?
I feel much better now.
Thank you so much.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back with tonight's top ten list.
You okay, Paul?
Oh, hi.
How are you?
I'm enjoying the moment.
"Squatting Chihuahua."
Will you sign the album?
I have it upstairs.
You don't have it.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Vinyl?
Yeah, the vinyl.
The original vinyl.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, the vinyl.
The original vinyl.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Letter number four.
Your Dave.
I love it when Paul gets hurt.
Can we please see some more carnage?
Your friend Andrew Ritter, Houston, Texas.
Well, as you know by now, I'm sorry we didn't get this letter last week because
Paul is off working on a movie with Dan Aykroyd up there. Ghostbusters 2000. Is
it Ghostbusters? What is it? Blues Brothers. I'm sorry. Blues Brothers 2000.
And so maybe when Paul gets back, he can do some of that wonderful physical
comedy that he always does.
Dave?
Yeah, Warren, what is it?
I'm your guy.
No, you don't have to do this. You would do this for us? You would take over
for Paul? You would put yourself in harm's way?
And so maybe when Paul gets back, he can do some of that wonderful physical
comedy that he always does.
Dave? Yeah, Warren, what is it?
I'm your guy.
No, you don't have to do this. You would do this for us? You would take over
for Paul? You would put yourself in harm's way?
No. I can't. I can't. I've never...
Dave, you can't stop me from doing it.
All right. All right, Warren, but be very, very careful. Godspeed.
You've got your helmet on backwards.
Taxi! Yeah!
Yeah, there he is!
Well done. You all right?
Warren Zevon, ladies and gentlemen.
Warren Zevon!
Daredevil!
You said it was extraordinary.
Let's close up the old CBS mailbag.
Thank you, Warren!
We'll be right back with tonight's Top Ten List and Stupid Human Tricks.
Thank you.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave, do you ever do any special effects around the theater?
John Olson, Carol Stream, Illinois.
Is that John Olson and Carol Stream from Illinois?
Or is it John Olson from Carol Stream, Illinois?
Anybody have an atlas?
Anybody have...
Could go the other way.
I'm going to guess that there's not a Carol Stream, Illinois.
That, in fact, that's a woman's name.
What do you think?
Is that...
I'm going to go to the judges on this.
We'll check.
All right.
Check it out.
If I...
There we go.
Thank God it's not heart surgery and I'm reaching for the forceps.
Dear Dave, do you ever do any special effects around the theater?
John Olson and Carol Stream from Illinois are...
No, it looks like...
There, it looks like it's Carol Stream, Illinois.
It is Carol Stream, Illinois?
I wonder if they need a sound effects guy in Carol Stream, Illinois.
Oh, yeah.
When he's doing his own jokes, he's right on the money.
I've got to wait until he finishes lunch for my little lame crap.
Anyway, the question is special effects.
Oh, oh, you know, people are always asking us about our special effects.
And that's why tonight, our very own beloved Biff Henderson
will take you folks, the home viewers, on a behind-the-scenes tour
to show you exactly how these things are done.
It's a brand new segment called Secrets of the Late Show Revealed.
Biff?
Tonight, we're going to show you how we create this amazing illusion.
It looks like I just got hit by that cab, doesn't it?
A closer look will reveal that what you saw is just a simple cinematic trick
that involves me, a cab, and this stunt dummy.
The most crucial part of our special effect
is putting this dummy in the backseat of the cab
to create the illusion of a passenger.
Then I get hit by the cab.
Ah!
And that's one more Late Show Secret Revealed.
I'm Biff Henderson.
Good night.
I know you folks are sitting at home saying to yourself,
boy, this stuff seems kind of lame.
Let me remind you of one thing.
Less than a week ago, we won an award for this show.
They can't take that away from us.
And yeah, and have you forgotten about this?
Okay.
Dear Dave, what...
What SPF is your sunscreen?
This is a serious question here
because it's summertime
and you've got to worry about protection
from the deadly rays of the sun
and they're talking about the sunscreen
and what do I recommend?
This comes from Danielle Stengel.
Castawaka...
Or Kassakakiwa.
Kastasakwa.
Kastasakwa.
Kastasakwa.
Kattasakwa.
Kattasakwa?
Kattasakwa.
I didn't even kiss her.
Remember that?
Okay.
Stop it because...
Because we don't have time for any of this.
We have a big show to do.
This comes from Danielle Stengel.
Ms. Stengel,
using the correct SPF
is a vital aspect of beach safety.
So here now,
with a practical demonstration,
is her own George Clark,
building engineer.
George, take it away.
George Clark.
Thanks, Dave.
Summer's a good time to have fun,
but it's also a good time to play it safe.
On the right side of my face,
I'm using a sunscreen
with a sun protection factor of 45.
On the left side of my face,
I'm using a sunscreen
with a SPF of 15.
Tonight,
I'm going to demonstrate
just how important
good protection from the sun really is.
Here we go.
Why was he in the middle of the street?
He's sitting again.
He's sitting again.
No.
They could have...
What they could have done
was put him on the sidewalk.
I mean, you see...
You see this joke
coming across town for guys.
That would have been, yeah.
If you put him on the sidewalk,
nobody knows what's going to happen.
And then what?
A car comes up...
Yeah, look at this.
Oh, there he's in the middle of the street.
Gosh, I hope he didn't get run over by a cab.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
But you put him on the sidewalk
and then the cab goes nuts,
which happens from time to time.
Sure.
Comes right up on the sidewalk.
Oh, good Lord.
What are you going to do?
Get up!
Easier to get up or get down?
Is it easier?
For me, it's harder to get up.
I don't know about you.
I don't know about you.
I hear you, Daddy.
I don't know about you.
It's beautiful out here tonight, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Look at the monitor.
You and I are pretty much the same size.
Same kind of build and everything.
Isn't it amazing what TV does?
Yeah, huh?
Now, here we've got a thing,
and this is going to simulate passing.
And when we load this in here,
it'll really go deep.
Whatever you do, don't hurt yourself
because I don't want to be responsible
for ending your season here.
You understand?
All right.
Now, anytime you're ready,
I'll bark out the signals
and then we go.
That's it!
That's it!
Hut!
Hut!
Hut!
Go deep.
Deep, deep, deep.
Keep going.
We're all right.
Yeah!
Oh, my.
Daryl?
Hey, you all right?
Get up here.
You all right.
Here's the cake.
Nice job. I'm good. I'm good. We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen.
Have a great year, Terrell. Good to see you again. Thank you very much.
What do you think, Paul? Is this all right?
I think it's up to you, Dave.
You have no opinion about this?
No, I mean, I thought I was enjoying them, but whatever you...
Alan? Alan, what do you think about this?
Where's Alan Coulter?
Where is Alan?
Where'd he go? Biff, where's Alan?
I haven't seen him.
What is that poster over there? Is that Rita Hayworth?
What is that? Where is Alan?
Why is Alan not here?
In 2006, Alan Coulter escaped from the Ed Sullivan field.
I remember thinking it would take a man 600 years to tunnel through that wall.
Old Alan did it in less than 10.
Old Alan loved geology.
Geology is the study of pressure and time.
That and a big damn poster.
Working for Dave, a man will do most anything to keep his mind occupied.
Turns out, Alan's favorite hobby was toting his wall into the Hello Deli a
handful at a time.
Alan, keep dropping crushed rock on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping crushed rock on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping crushed rock on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping crushed rock on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping crushed rock on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping crushed rock on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping crushed rock on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping crushed rock on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping crushed rock on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping crushed rock on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping crushed rock on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Alan, keep dropping rocks on my floor.
Hey, Alan, Dave's looking for you.
Hey, Dave.
Dave.
Dave?
Yeah?
I don't think Alan's coming back for a while.
Okay.
All right, Biff.
Well, thank you.
Don't blame yourself.
Okay.
Well, let's just put those away, shall we?
Uh, guess who's on the program tonight?
It's Bruce Willis.
He's also the lift in the band.
The Strokes will be right back
with tonight's top ten list, everybody.
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, everybody.

Hit by Cabs Collection on Letterman, 1994-2006

Thank you very much.
Everything alright over there?
Oh yeah, everything's fine.
Oh man, you ever do something, you know, like, I'm still a little sore, just a
little...
You are?
Just a little bruised up a little bit.
What happened?
Oh, it's nothing really.
On the program this evening, ladies and gentlemen, did I mention Aaron Neville,
Kathy Lee Gifford,
and every time I...
Oh, jeez, it's just that shooting.
I don't know if it's a ligament or...
How did you get this?
Oh, it's one of those silly things that you do from time to time,
and then at the time it's not that big a deal and you don't think about it,
and then like a couple of days later, you know, I can hardly move my knees.
I can see that, yeah.
And I ache, and it's just...
And this cold weather doesn't help.
And it's my own...
It's my own fault.
Well, what exactly happened?
It's just one of those things.
It's a silly mistake, and I guess it's the kind of thing that, you know,
if you live in New York City, you get used to.
But I kind of got banged up a little bit, but it's my own fault, but I'll be
fine.
What was it exactly?
You know, it was Monday night was when it was.
After the show, I had to meet some people downtown for dinner,
and then I was coming back to the theater,
and it all happened when I just got out of the cab.
And, you know, I take full responsibility for it.
Yeah, it seems like it was just a couple of nights ago that this happened.
Yeah, it was just a good night, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
It was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Yeah, it was just a good night.
Why don't you tell us the story of your experience from parking cars?
Well, one time, a guy just said, "Well, you know, I'll pull up to the tower
drive and it'll
be easier."
As he was walking to the other hotel, he was run over by the valet with his own
car, and
boom, the guy was hit about 10 feet away.
Wow.
So he was run down by a guy parking his own car.
You know, I'm not sure I feel like getting hit by a car.
Regis?
It's me, Dave.
You want to be on the show?
You okay?
Come on.
Wow, that was something.
That was great.
Nice job.
Oh, Dave.
Excellent piece of work.
Oh, Dave.
Regis Philbin, ladies and gentlemen.
Take a bow, Regis.
Why don't you try and ride that bike now?
Oh, I'd love to ride it.
Can I ride it right now?
Yeah, right now.
Be very careful.
Okay.
And then take it outside.
Take it outside.
Don't hurt yourself.
I'm not going to ride it out there.
All right, be careful.
I don't think you can ride that.
I can ride this.
All right.
We'll never forget how to ride a bike.
There he goes.
Out onto 53rd Street.
Okay.
It'd be awful if he gets run down, wouldn't it?
Not bad.
Pretty good.
Pretty impressive.
Let's see Paul.
Let's see how he's doing out there.
Paul Schaefer writing.
Oh, man.
Now he's out on Broadway.
That's pretty cool.
Look at him go.
I had no idea.
Look at how nice Broadway looks this time of year.
Oh, my God, look out.
Oh, no!
Yow!
Geez, are you all right, Paul?
God, I'll never forgive myself.
Is he all right?
Okay.
There he is.
He's okay.
All right.
It's fine.
And a boy, Paul.
We'll be right back with Willie Nelson.
Yes.
Your bike got a little go, right?
A little go.
Okay.
How are we doing on time?
Do we just keep going on this?
Let's keep going?
Okay.
Who's next?
Oh, there we go.
We got another guy.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you?
Don Fees.
Don Fees.
How do you spell that last name, Don?
F-E-E-S.
Oh, you know, I've never heard that name before.
That's unusual and kind of interesting.
Where are you from?
Not a lot.
I'm from Lawrence, Kansas.
Lawrence, Kansas.
Hey.
The heartland.
That's the -- I believe it's the home of the University of Kansas, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Jayhawks.
You go to school there?
Yeah, I'm a student.
I'm not really sure at this point, but --
Very undecided.
What?
And you're in, what, your third, fourth year?
The junior --
Been there three years, has no idea what he's studying.
That's all right.
Why don't you have a seat with John?
You guys ride home together, all right?
What can I do for you?
Well, I'm not gonna be able to stay around for the whole show.
Uh-huh.
And I was wondering if you could show me how it turns out.
Oh, sure.
You wanna see the rest of the show?
Hal, do me a favor.
This guy's gotta leave, going back to Lawrence, Kansas, or something.
Fast forward through the rest of the show.
Let him see what happens.
Okay, watch this.
Good.
Good question.
There we are.
That's Sinbad, right?
Yeah, we're chatting.
Sinbad having a nice time.
No, here's Paul.
What?
Paul grabs --
Oh, it's --
Grabs him.
Wait a minute.
What's --
Oh, my God!
Three.
That's tough.
I guess I'll get to see Sinbad, at least.
Yeah, that's right.
Maybe next time you'll know what you're studying, son.
Let that be a lesson to you.
Is there anybody --
I can't believe that Atlanta wasn't upset about being clubbed by the Yankees
last night.
No, no.
I mean, the man's down there.
He ought to know, for heaven's sakes.
That's right.
Yes, sir.
He's a regular Vin Scully, ain't he?
Yeah.
Paul, what'd you think of Jim Laird?
Oh, man, I'll tell you.
Yeah?
I'll tell you.
The pundits are saying that the GOP should try to consolidate its gains.
In the House and Senate.
But the character issue is still one of those hot-button topics.
You know, ladies and gentlemen.
Meantime, Clinton comes along and goes negative on free trade.
And let's not forget about the wimp factor.
I'll take care of this for us.
Paul, come here.
Campaign spending limits are going to cut in.
The next thing you know.
The next thing you know.
The next thing you know.
Campaign spending limits cut in.
The negative advertising is going to tilt the whole game right out of
proportion.
Now, Peru.
Come on.
Peru's pretty strong.
There we go.
Sure.
Okay, get on.
Then we were four years ago.
That's right.
Here we go.
Who are you going to trust to grow the economy?
That's the whole thing.
Yes.
Voting booth.
Yes.
Hop right in there.
Pull the red lever.
There you go.
The undecideds have got to balance the ticket.
All right.
You just stay right in there, Paul.
Come on.
Stay right in there.
Attaboy.
Stay right in there, Paul.
You just stay in there and vote, buddy.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
That looks like it's mine.
Wait a minute.
Hang on, Paul.
You just stay in there and vote, buddy.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
In the traditional democratic strongholds.
You see, young voters are being disadvantaged.
So the program is repented.
Yes.
That was pretty good.
Paul.
Excuse me, Paul.
That was pretty good, wasn't it?
What was that?
That was something.
What was meant?
How are you?
I feel a lot better.
What was that?
That was something.
What was meant?
How are you?
I feel a lot better now.
You okay?
Yeah.
What's this thing?
Just put that down.
That looked pretty good.
Thanks for that.
I didn't know.
You're all right.
I'm talking about parole.
It's fine.
I'm interrupting the whole show.
It's fine.
What kind of a fool am I?
He's just fine.
To interrupt the show with the political jargon.
You all right?
I feel much better now.
Thank you so much.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back with tonight's top ten list.
You okay, Paul?
Oh, hi.
How are you?
I'm enjoying the moment.
"Squatting Chihuahua."
Will you sign the album?
I have it upstairs.
You don't have it.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Vinyl?
Yeah, the vinyl.
The original vinyl.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, the vinyl.
The original vinyl.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Letter number four.
Your Dave.
I love it when Paul gets hurt.
Can we please see some more carnage?
Your friend Andrew Ritter, Houston, Texas.
Well, as you know by now, I'm sorry we didn't get this letter last week because
Paul is off working on a movie with Dan Aykroyd up there. Ghostbusters 2000. Is
it Ghostbusters? What is it? Blues Brothers. I'm sorry. Blues Brothers 2000.
And so maybe when Paul gets back, he can do some of that wonderful physical
comedy that he always does.
Dave?
Yeah, Warren, what is it?
I'm your guy.
No, you don't have to do this. You would do this for us? You would take over
for Paul? You would put yourself in harm's way?
And so maybe when Paul gets back, he can do some of that wonderful physical
comedy that he always does.
Dave? Yeah, Warren, what is it?
I'm your guy.
No, you don't have to do this. You would do this for us? You would take over
for Paul? You would put yourself in harm's way?
No. I can't. I can't. I've never...
Dave, you can't stop me from doing it.
All right. All right, Warren, but be very, very careful. Godspeed.
You've got your helmet on backwards.
Taxi! Yeah!
Yeah, there he is!
Well done. You all right?
Warren Zevon, ladies and gentlemen.
Warren Zevon!
Daredevil!
You said it was extraordinary.
Let's close up the old CBS mailbag.
Thank you, Warren!
We'll be right back with tonight's Top Ten List and Stupid Human Tricks.
Thank you.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave, do you ever do any special effects around the theater?
John Olson, Carol Stream, Illinois.
Is that John Olson and Carol Stream from Illinois?
Or is it John Olson from Carol Stream, Illinois?
Anybody have an atlas?
Anybody have...
Could go the other way.
I'm going to guess that there's not a Carol Stream, Illinois.
That, in fact, that's a woman's name.
What do you think?
Is that...
I'm going to go to the judges on this.
We'll check.
All right.
Check it out.
If I...
There we go.
Thank God it's not heart surgery and I'm reaching for the forceps.
Dear Dave, do you ever do any special effects around the theater?
John Olson and Carol Stream from Illinois are...
No, it looks like...
There, it looks like it's Carol Stream, Illinois.
It is Carol Stream, Illinois?
I wonder if they need a sound effects guy in Carol Stream, Illinois.
Oh, yeah.
When he's doing his own jokes, he's right on the money.
I've got to wait until he finishes lunch for my little lame crap.
Anyway, the question is special effects.
Oh, oh, you know, people are always asking us about our special effects.
And that's why tonight, our very own beloved Biff Henderson
will take you folks, the home viewers, on a behind-the-scenes tour
to show you exactly how these things are done.
It's a brand new segment called Secrets of the Late Show Revealed.
Biff?
Tonight, we're going to show you how we create this amazing illusion.
It looks like I just got hit by that cab, doesn't it?
A closer look will reveal that what you saw is just a simple cinematic trick
that i