Name: Your Moments of DaveZen Tweets Collection, 1983-2009
Uploaded: 2020-10-31T23:46:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Your Moments of DaveZen Tweets Collection, 1983-2009' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Your Moments of DaveZen Tweets Collection, 1983-2009' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-31. Transcript available.

Your Moments of DaveZen Tweets Collection, 1983-2009

We have a wonderful program.
Who the hell's on this damn thing?
Paul Reiser, a very funny man,
getting his own program right here on CBS.
We have Chef Bobby Flay.
Flay!
What did I say? CBS?
I'm sorry.
Yikes.
What the hell could I have been thinking?
You know, we're going out for the Emmy broadcast Sunday on this network,
and I'm going to be involved in the production.
And it's prime time, and I don't really do a lot of prime time television work.
And so I'm going to be a little nervous.
So this is what you'll be seeing if you see me at all on the show.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the first lady of television, Lucille Ball.
Lucy.
Hi.
Hi, Dave.
Hi, Dave.
How are you?
You know, Desi and I did so many shows together.
It's hard to remember them.
Lucille Ball, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi, Dave.
You know, I love your show.
I love the work you kids are doing.
I love new ideas.
Yeah, I know.
Are you looking forward to Sunday night?
You're going to be a co-host on the...
Being a co-host, but it's going to be difficult to prove.
On the air, Michelle.
Yeah, I've been practicing all weekend.
Ladies and gentlemen, the first lady of television, Miss Lucille Ball.
Good, that's good.
It's going to be...
Thank you, David.
Now, why would you do that?
I don't know.
David, would you like to join us for dinner?
We've got plenty of cream corn.
Well, geez, that's very thoughtful of you, Mrs. Caper.
Thank you very much for the invitation.
Well, I was just kidding, jerk.
I wouldn't feed you if your life depended on us.
It's the Caper family right there under the...
Nice visiting with the capers.
I have in my hand the last letter.
Dodge City.
Dodge City.
Any answer?
Here we go.
Best supporting actress.
Okay, supporting actress, I feel...
You know, I don't mean to tell you how to do your business,
but maybe if it looked like you were going into a trance,
you know, maybe you could ask more than 65 bucks an hour.
Try it.
Yeah, try it?
Just try it like you're a little woozy or something.
Try it.
Oh, then it would be.
I mean, let's try it.
Okay, best actress.
Best supporting actress.
Best actress, I feel, is going to be...
Now, that's perfect.
That's perfect.
You get a little of that.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, now do a little...
And then what happens?
Well, here, just do a little of this more.
It's like you're thinking.
Ask me.
Ask me.
Okay?
Ask you?
Yeah, ask me.
Okay.
All of the music here.
Best supporting actress.
And then you say...
And then you say...
Megatilly.
Megatilly.
Okay.
Let's try one of them.
Okay.
Load it up.
Fly it out of here.
Here we go.
Give me a cigarette.
I don't have any cigarettes.
Why don't you bring your own stuff?
All right.
Oh, very good.
40 seconds, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, K-Mar, I happen to notice...
Give me a jacket.
You're a very attractive man.
What's this?
What are we doing now?
Blue.
You're amazing.
All right.
How much time we have?
Everybody all right behind camera, too?
All right.
Yay.
Like a cucumber.
All right, are you ready?
We have time.
And now we're going to do a commercial.
We'll be right back.
Three, two...
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dustin Hoffman.
Dustin?
Good to have you.
Thank you very much.
I was in Tootsie.
Oh, man.
Tootsie.
That was a great film.
You hear me, sickos?
I was in Tootsie.
Yeah.
Now, let me ask you a question about that Tootsie.
Come on, everybody.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Excuse me, Dustin.
Don't touch me right away.
I was in Tootsie.
I know.
All right.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
I thought I was just going to keep it.
Oh, boy.
It's pretty tasty.
One teen.
Yes, sir.
Boy, that was delicious.
Marble.
Come here.
Tasty.
Excuse me.
Foster.
Boy, that was very good.
Wallace.
Excuse me.
Oh.
I got a great idea for a show.
It's me and one, and I introduce clips like this.
It's where people just break up.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Jimmy, come here a second.
Jimmy, come here a second.
Jimmy, get in here.
Jimmy, come on in.
Jimmy, Jimmy, no, Jimmy, come in here.
Boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Tommy?
Was that lasagna okay, Mr. Letterman?
It was terrific, but you know, it had actually gotten a little cold, but it was
great.
What's coming up next, Max?
I'm sorry, that was my fault.
Tunnel line in five.
Three, sir.
Two.
Mmm.
Boy.
Mmm, that was delicious.
Excuse me, you mind?
Wow.
Was that lasagna okay, Mr. Letterman?
Yeah, it was.
You know, it had actually gotten a little cold, but other than that, it was
very, very good.
Is there anything else good coming up, Keith?
Well, there's a one.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That was like, we were in the clear on that one.
Three, two.
Mi nombre es David.
Mi nombre es David.
¿Dónde está la biblioteca?
¿Dónde está la biblioteca?
El agua está muy, muy, muy caliente.
El agua está muy, muy, muy caliente.
¿Cuánto por el jamón grande?
¿Cuánto por el jamón, cuánto por la jamón grande?
Sí.
¿Cuánto por la jamón, la jamón?
El, el, el, jamón, grande.
Muy bien.
Sí.
¿Cuánto por la jamón grande?
No, no.
El jamón.
¿Cuánto por el jamón grande?
El, el, el, el, el.
¿Cuánto por el jamón grande?
Sí.
Sí.
¿Otra vez?
¿Cuánto por el jamón grande?
Sí.
Sí.
¿Tu nombre es?
David.
Muy bien.
¿Cuánto por la jamón grande?
El.
El.
El.
El.
El.
¿Cuánto por el jamón grande?
Sí.
Sí.
You know, tonight on Late Night, the unbelievable Sandra Bernhardt will be
joining us, plus a
visit to the Museum of the Hard to Believe, and Believe You Me, jazz musician
Toots Thielmans,
also a woman who swam around Manhattan, if you can believe it, twice.
What are we doing, Bill?
Thank you.
Huh?
What should I say, be there.
Oh, okay.
Be there.
And it's, that's my fault somehow, Hal?
Oh, no, Dave.
No, not your fault.
Check your chronometer.
Two.
One.
Tonight on Late Night, the unbelievable...
That's too short.
Two, two, one.
Well, tonight on Late Night, the unbelievable Sandra Bernhardt, the Museum of
the Hard to Believe,
and Believe You Me, jazz musician Toots Thielmans...
Try it one more time.
Three, two, one.
Tonight on Late Night, the unbelievable Sandra Bernhardt, the Museum of the
Hard to Believe,
and Believe You Me, jazz musician Toots Thielmans, also a woman who...
This time for sure.
Don't worry, it'll be great.
One.
Tonight on Late Night, the unbelievable Sandra Bernhardt, the Museum of the
Hard to Believe,
and Believe You Me, jazz musician Toots Thielmans, also a woman who swam around
Manhattan,
if you can believe it, everybody...
Twice.
Twice.
Twice.
Two, two.
Wave and say a couple of words and then leave.
Can you do that?
Or kiss and hit the road.
Yeah, that's...
Exactly.
You know, Gaines, tonight of all nights, you ought to pretend to be entertained,
at least.
I'm sorry, I'm beginning to bore the help, Chris.
Okay.
Dwight Yoakam is here, and Marv Albert, now what's the problem?
What, do we have a problem now?
What is the problem now?
This is the young lady who was sneezing earlier, ladies and gentlemen, Barbara
Gaines.
What is it?
Huh?
Give it, is this what you need?
No.
Oh, okay.
Give us one of those sneezes.
Let me hear it.
Let me hear it.
Let me hear it again.
Let me hear it again.
Just come on.
Achoo!
Come on, come on.
Come on.
Achoo!
Just one.
Come on, just one.
Try one.
One phony sneeze.
Let me hear it.
Hey, hey!
Achoo!
There you go!
Like there's some kind of religious ceremony involved with the sneeze.
I like that.
God bless her and keep her.
Yeah.
Oh, my goodness.
Let me ask you a question.
A couple of weeks ago, maybe six weeks ago, I came in here one day, and I
mentioned that
my house, my property, and even I was covered with these worms that seemed to
be dropping out
of the sky.
Yes, I remember that show, yeah.
And various people said, oh, those are the deadly lizard worms that will go
away, or those
are gypsy moths, or those are Dutch elm worms, or something.
You know, we had like two or three solutions.
Well, the worms did, in fact, go away.
It rained very hard, and then the next couple of days, on these tiny little
wires, they would
shoot out of the sky, and then they were just everywhere.
And in fact, I had them in my car, and I found them in my shoe, and on and on.
They're all gone, but now, in their place, it sounds like that.
Is Bernard Getz back there fooling around?
There might have been an assassination attempt back there.
Is everything all right?
Let me just, what?
What happened?
What?
What happened?
But what, just tell me what it was.
Who's playing with the fire extinguisher?
I fell into the fire.
You fell into the fire extinguisher.
Are you drunk?
Is everyone all right?
Yes.
Okay, well, now, it's no problem.
We'll just start the show over.
Hey, you know, I'm right in the middle of the worm story.
The Kenley News, Kenley, North Carolina.
Edgar Johnson, Jr. of Shoe Heel with his 95-pound watermelon.
Well, there you go.
Look at that.
95-pound watermelon.
Yeah, that's great.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I wonder what the weight of the one is there under his shirt.
Oh!
Come on, hey.
You know, ladies and gentlemen, when I was a small boy, I always wanted my own
TV show.
And just now, something has happened that reminds me of the phrase, be careful
what you wish for.
Be careful what you wish for.
Really?
I'm sitting here right in the middle of men and their vegetables.
I think everybody's finally gotten into the spirit of this segment.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm handed a note.
I'm handed a note, and it just boggles the mind why this information comes to
me, why this information comes to me now.
So, I'm going to share with you, ordinarily, this would be confidential.
I'm going to share with you this note, all right?
Right in the middle of men and their vegetables.
Yes.
Okay.
Let's see.
Put it right there, and you folks at home can read it along.
Okay, let's see it.
I don't know.
I don't know.
You see what I'm saying?
Why do I need to know?
Yes.
Why do I need to know now?
Now, why?
Yes, and normally happens while they're watching the show.
Here's what you do.
Here's what you do.
Clean it up, and a half hour later, let Dave know.
I don't care what he's doing.
Get it cleaned up, and in a half an hour, slip it in.
Get this right to Dave.
Because if he finds out later that nobody told him.
All right, back to men and their vegetables.
Tonight, we're going to show you something we've never done before.
It's a new segment featuring our very own director, Howard Gurney.
Howard?
Hal, Dave.
Oh, yeah.
It's called Hal Gurney's Sports Bloopers.
There you go.
Okay, Hal, what kind of wild and or wacky moments do you have for us tonight
from the world of sports?
Sports bloopers, Paul.
Here we go.
Dave, take a look at this crazy goof up at Yankee Stadium.
Okay, it's a crazy goof up, right?
During a recent game with Boston.
Okay.
Okay, take that.
Watch as Red Sox catcher John Marzano gets a little too close to Yankee third
baseman Hensley
Muleins.
Muleins.
Hal?
Hal, you're drunk, aren't you?
Muleins, Dave.
Muleins.
Yeah, okay.
We're going to do a commercial.
We had like an eight-minute discussion over that, too.
That's the thing that really hurts.
Well, should we do it?
I don't know.
Maybe not.
Well, if you're going to do it, tonight would be the night to do it.
It looks pretty good.
Give it a try.
What do you think?
Back and forth, back and forth.
And then that.
Well, Donahue, we'll come back Monday to see Phil.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Trouble in the ionosphere, perhaps.
Letter number two.
It's just stunning, isn't it?
Well.
The 210 people can be that quiet.
Quiet.
It's just amazing to me.
They're concentrating.
I think a lot of these people had no intention to come into the show tonight.
I think a lot of these people are just waiting for a train to go home.
A lot of these people have those complimentary theater tickets, those two-for-one
deals.
Right.
They're going to go see cats.
They had an extra half hour to kill, so they're here tonight.
Maybe that's what it is.
Yeah, probably so.
Wow.
This is what it was like for Custer.
That morning before the big attack.
It was just this quiet.
Well, circle the wagons then, 