Name: Bangor, Maine Collection on Letterman, October 1987
Uploaded: 2020-11-05T04:41:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bangor, Maine Collection on Letterman, October 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bangor, Maine Collection on Letterman, October 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-05. Transcript available.

We were taking a look at some memos and paperwork that we were clearing out of
the office earlier today,
and we came across this one correspondence.
This comes from the research department here at NBC, NBC Research.
It's right up there in the NBC inner office.
Well, take my word for it.
Trust me, we'll be days waiting on that shot.
Any news on the strike yet, Paul?
Yeah, I've been working as hard as I can on the strike.
Anyway, the gist of this memo concerns a town known as Bangor, Maine.
Anybody here from Bangor?
All right.
I've been to Bangor once when I was a kid.
Seemed like a lovely community in, I believe, the central...
Well, there it is, part of Maine.
And the memo says,
Based on the latest Nielsen reports, it appears that Bangor, Maine, had the
lowest delivery of all local markets with a rating below 1.0 and unreportedly
low share level, which they determined to be unmeasurable.
Now, what all of this means, essentially, is there's no one in the city of Bangor,
Maine, watching this show.
Nobody.
So we said to ourselves, geez, that's kind of too bad, and not many of us
really know too much about Bangor.
So let's find out a couple of things and see if there's something we can't do
to overcome this.
No one in Bangor, Paul...
Nobody's watching.
That's right.
No one's watching.
That's right.
No one stays up and watching.
32,000 is the population of Bangor, Maine.
The NBC affiliate there is WLBZ.
WLBZ.
WLBZ, Channel 2.
Bangor was founded as a city in 1769.
They produce many wonderful products, local products.
Well, Bangor is a trade and distribution center for northeastern Maine.
And talk about products.
Anybody fond of walking owes a debt of thanks to Bangor, Maine.
It's a leading producer of shoes.
Anyone for lumber or lumber byproducts?
Well, the abundant forests of the pine tree state surround Bangor like an emerald
necklace.
And finally, paper, from napkins to facial wipes.
Truly, Bangor is a place where, hey, anything goes.
Thank you very much, Laurie.
So, we have the problem now that no one in Bangor is watching this show.
And we know a little bit more about the fine city of Bangor, Maine.
But what can we do to help overcome this obstacle?
We've invited a friend out here tonight to help us with this problem.
Larry, are you back there?
Ladies and gentlemen, our good friend, Larry Bud Melman.
Larry?
How's it?
All right. Nice to see you.
What do you have here?
So, now, Larry, we have something here that we think will help improve our
ratings in Bangor, Maine.
What do we have?
I'm going to read from the white pages.
Uh-huh.
The white pages of Bangor, Maine.
A Bangor, Maine.
You're just going to select it random.
I'm going to select it random.
The names of people living in Bangor.
In Bangor.
All right.
Go right ahead.
Durham R.
Huh?
Durham R.
Wouldn't it be R, Durham?
Well, they have it here, Durham R.
Is that okay?
Oh, all right.
So, it sounds to me like this book may be alphabetized.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
How about Judd Guston?
Kind of handy, I guess.
Who?
Judd Guston.
Judd Guston.
Okay.
All right.
Uh, Mitchell Kenneth.
Okay.
And, again, I'm guessing maybe his name is...
Kenneth Mitchell.
There you go.
Thank you, Dave.
So, here's what we're going to do.
Every night, we're going to be mentioning people who have their names in the
Bangor phone
book.
Now, don't you think, seriously, that that's worth staying up for?
I guess we do.
Thank you, Dave.
Thanks, Larry.
Now, Paul, I understand you have a little contribution you'd like to make.
Yes, I have, David, actually.
This is a Jeff Martin composition, and it goes something like this.
Third boxcar, midnight train.
Destination, Bangor, Maine.
A place where they make sandpaper, shoes, and lumber.
But those lumberjacks and shoeers, they're not late-night TV viewers.
For at midnight, sad to say, they'd rather slumber.
Hey, Banger.
It's a beautiful lady.
Yeah, Banger.
Is a sweet, sweet mystery.
Banger.
Hey, I don't even know her.
But someday, that town will belong to me.
Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back here with Annie Potts.
I know, we've got to get going.
We have many things to do.
What shall we do?
We have a plethora, a surfeit, a...
You want to do those?
Let me do this first.
It was called to our attention a couple of days ago
that in the fine city of Bangor, Maine,
nobody watches this show.
So what we're going to do now
is just read at random names
from the Bangor white pages
as a cheap way to get people
to watch the show up there in Bangor.
Tonight, I'd like to read from the Dotties.
D-O-U-G-H-T-Y.
These would be the Bangor Dotties.
Which are so good, fresh from the oven
on a winter morning.
Mom used to make them for the holidays.
We'd have the Bangor Dotties.
Brian Dottie.
A.C. Dottie.
Carl D. Dottie.
David Dottie.
Donald Dottie.
Francis Dottie.
Gail F. and Lewis Dottie.
Those are my favorite Dotties.
And one more.
Lillian.
Mrs. Lillian Dottie.
Look at this.
No, no.
No, I'm sorry.
Everything's okay.
I'm sorry.
I thought I sensed something there.
No, no, no.
A little hideout they had there.
A little playhouse there on the news set.
You live with a guy.
There's a guy in your building named Pinky.
There's a guy.
He's like the concierge.
He drinks a little bit.
Here we have a copy of the Bangor, Maine white pages.
I'm going to read a couple of names tonight.
Tonight we'll be reading the Pattersons.
Alton Patterson.
Amos G. Patterson.
Arthur M. Patterson.
Brian Patterson.
Brian and Charlene Patterson.
I'll bet they're newlyweds.
I have a hunch they're newlyweds.
Dennis Patterson and Donald Patterson.
And finally, I'd like to finish up tonight with Dudley Patterson.
And you're saying to yourself, why is he reading for the Bangor white pages?
It's because it's a silly little inducement to get people in Bangor to watch
the show.
We learned a couple of days ago that no one in Bangor watches the show.
And it turns out it's simply because they don't care for me.
So we thought that maybe if they heard their names mentioned on network
television, that
they would watch.
That's what we thought.
Let me read a couple of names out of the Bangor telephone book.
You know, we've been getting a lot of calls from the people who live in Bangor.
And apparently the name of the town is actually pronounced Bangor.
Bangor.
B-A-N-G-O-R.
They get your ban and your gore.
Bangor.
Bangor.
But since you people aren't watching, I don't care.
I'll continue to call it Bangor.
All right?
As far as I'm concerned, you folks live in Bangor.
Okay?
Pelletier.
The Bangor Pelletiers.
Oh, what a lovely precision marching band they are.
The Pelletiers Armand and Lorraine Pelletier.
Armand N. Pelletier.
Brenda Pelletier.
Carol Pelletier.
Selena Pelletier.
That's a lovely name.
Selena is a nice name.
Selena Pelletier.
Nice.
Selena Pelletier.
Yeah-da-da-dee-dee.
Do you think it's...
And finally, Danielle Pelletier.
These are all lovely names.
Do you think it's Pelletier, perhaps?
Am I mispronouncing it?
It could be Pelletier.
Well, it's spelled that way.
P-E-L-L-E-T-I-E-R.
Pelletier?
Could be.
I don't know.
Who knows?
We'll never find out.
They're not watching.
They're not watching.
They won't know.
They don't know.
Anyway, also, we need new interns.
We need a...
How many do we need?
One.
One.
We're going to get one out of the audience tonight, or...
How does this work?
Yeah!
Yeah!
I don't know.
They're missing.
They're missing.
One was run down by a bus or something.
So we need an intern.
If you're interested in an intern and it's idiotic, all you do is you come up
and you staple like 40, 50 hours a week, and you get 17, 18 hours of college
credit.
It's a complete sham, and there is no money, and, of course, your parents are
probably very well-heeled.
They'll cover all your expenses.
So just come to New York and screw off for about six months.
We need an intern to waste about half a year of your life.
So do that and contact our associate producer, the lovely Jude Brennan.
Oh, ho.
Now, seeing if she can't change her name.
All right, let's get right to the banger main phone book.
Today, I think I'm going to read from the Smith list.
These are people in Bangor, Maine.
Actual phone book, actual names.
Carl D. Smith.
Carl E. Smith.
Carl R. Smith.
Carl R. and Mary Smith.
Carlton and Hilda Smith.
And one more, the Reverend Carol Smith.
Thank you, boys.
Sounding better and better.
Tomorrow on the program, comedian Jake Johansson will be here.
We have an herb expert, Adelma Simmons, and also comedian Fred Willard.
That will be tomorrow on the program, ladies and gentlemen.
Another great show.
And if this isn't the best show on television, at least it's the best show
currently in production here at NBC this time of day.
You know, the last week or so, we've been trying to entice people in Bangor,
Maine,
and to watch the program by reading their names out of the Bangor white pages
here.
And we felt tonight we wanted to do a little something extra, not only for the
people in Bangor,
but also the folks across North America and here in our studio audience as well.
So, ladies and gentlemen, here tonight to read names from the Bangor area phone
book,
Emmy Award winner, Academy Award winner, the eminent star of motion pictures
and television,
distinguished actor, Mr. Robert Vaughn.
Robert?
This is very exciting for me, David, because I've only read publicly from the
Ridgefield and New Canaan, Connecticut phone books before.
This is a big breakthrough.
It is a coup, isn't it?
On your show.
Yes, sir.
It's very exciting.
I'm going to read tonight about the Nickersons.
The Nickersons.
The Nickersons of Bangor, Maine.
All right.
Nickerson Edna M.
Nickerson Elmer D.
Nickerson Everett.
Nickerson Fred H.
Nickerson Fred and Jackie together.
Nickerson Fred and Judith.
Nickerson Gerald.
Nickerson Hilda.
Nickerson Hildreth.
Nickerson Hildreth.
Nickerson Howard.
Nickerson Howard.
And last, last, ladies and gentlemen, Nickerson Ida and Watson E.
Robert Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen.
To Robert Vaughn.
To Nickerson.
We'll be right back with Don Mattingly from the New York Yankees, folks.
Anyway, we're going to now read from the Bangor, Maine phone book.
And tonight, rather than me read lists of names, we're going to show you on the
screen the entire Z listings from the Bangor area phone book.
And we're doing this as a cheap inducement to get those people to watch up
there in Bangor.
I know they say it's Bangor, but it's actually Bangor.
So here now, ladies and gentlemen, the entire Z listings from the Bangor area
phone book.
That was Stephen King, who's from Maine, I guess, in a town not far from Bangor.
You see that Linda and Ben Zook are living over on Pinehurst now?
Are they over there now?
They have moved.
Apparently they had moved, yeah.
Why did you pick that up?
Yeah, well, I just saw it go by.
We'll do a commercial, and then we'll be right back here with Dennis Miller.