Name: "Cop on the Edge" Collection on Letterman, 1994, 1995
Uploaded: 2020-12-10T03:57:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '"Cop on the Edge" Collection on Letterman, 1994, 1995' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '"Cop on the Edge" Collection on Letterman, 1994, 1995' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-10. Transcript available.

I'm very excited. You people seem to be in a great mood because tonight we're
doing something a little different and I want you to enjoy it. I hope you enjoy
it. Tonight on the show we're going to be introducing to you a new running
character. You're going to see the new running character now and you're going
to see him throughout the rest of the show. So if you're ready, if everybody's
ready, ladies and gentlemen, it's with great pleasure and excitement that I
introduce to you tonight for the first time anywhere on television, Cop on the
Edge.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Chief, when I find that lowlife scum
bastard who killed my partner, Joey, ass-kicking season will officially be open.
Oh, no, it won't because I'm taking you off the case. I am tired of you playing
by your own rules.
That's right. I make my own rules and I break my own rules because I'm not just
a cop. I'm a cop on the edge.
Wow. Powerful, gritty police drama. Cop on the Edge. All night long, Cop on the
Edge.
Folks, can you stand a little more police drama? Well, I hope so, because once
again, it's time for Cop on the Edge.
Hey, punk, you ever see this guy before?
No, I don't know.
Shut up!
When I ask you a question, it doesn't necessarily mean I want an answer to that
question.
Sometimes it just means I want to see how you'll react to that question.
Now, one more time again.
Have you ever seen this guy before?
What?
You're not going to answer me now?
Let me tell you something, punk.
I'm not just a cop.
I'm a cop on the Edge.
We have to do a commercial.
When we come back here, folks, Siskel and Ebert will join us.
Nice to see you.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a lovely program tonight.
Siskel and the Ebert are here, is here.
Daryl Hall is also here, and Muggsy Bogues.
This is a fascinating story.
Muggsy Bogues, Charlotte Hornets.
Excuse me, can I help you?
Hey, hey, pretty boy.
You do your job, and you just let me do mine, okay?
Okay, all right.
Excuse me, it's pretty boy again.
Can I ask you a question?
What do you want, Goldilocks?
You're just like a regular cop, right?
As a matter of fact, I'm not just a regular cop.
I'm a cop on the Edge.
Coming out on the program tonight, Daryl Hall will be joining us.
And from the Charlotte Hornets, Muggsy Bogues plays guard for the Charlotte
Hornets in the NBA.
The man is five feet, three inches tall.
It's an unbelievable story.
Wait a minute, can you feel it?
Are you ready?
Are you excited?
Ladies and gentlemen, once again, it's time for Cop on the Edge.
I killed your partner, and now I'm going to kill you.
I'm not afraid to die.
I'll be waiting for you on the other side.
Sweet dreams, copper.
Hold it.
I've got to give that idea a thumbs down.
For once, Gene, I agree with you.
Foiled by Siskel and Ebert.
Not just Siskel and Ebert.
Siskel and Ebert on the Edge.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they're making fun of me in Cabin Boy.
Really?
I'm 6'2".
I couldn't play in the NBA.
Well, you didn't have the shoes.
Are you excited, Muggsy?
You know why you ought to be excited?
Time once again for one last look at Cop on the Edge.
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.
Today you lose.
Book them fast and book them hard.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
Hey, hey.
I'm not just a cop.
I'm a cop on the Edge.
Folks, we've got to go.
My thanks to Muggsy Bogues, Daryl Hall, Siskel and Ebert, and Bruno Kirby as
Cop on the Edge.
Tomorrow, Steven Seagal, Salt-N-Peper, and Jonathan Solomon.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
I'm very happy you folks are happy because tonight, as we try to do each and
every night,
we're doing something a little extra special.
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, you couldn't have selected a better night, even
if you had
sent away for tickets months ago.
Ladies and gentlemen, please now enjoy raw, gripping police drama as we say
hello to Cop on the Edge.
Hey.
Hey, Penelope.
What do you think you're doing?
Hey, I'm just reading the paper.
Oh, that's nice.
Here's a headline for you.
Penelope eats my fist.
Hey, hey, what did I do?
Tell it to Judge Lancito, pal.
You're going downtown.
Hey, what?
Are you a cop?
I'm not just a cop.
I'm a cop on the Edge.
It's that realism, that raw, gritty, street police action that you crave and
can't live without
here in New York City.
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you're ready for more pulse-pounding excitement
because once
again, it's time for Cop on the Edge.
Rupert!
Rupert!
It's okay.
I was just taking a nap.
Oh, I've never begged on cream cheese.
Sorry, without cream cheese.
No!
You're one weird-ass cop.
I'm not just one weird-ass cop.
I'm one weird-ass cop on the Edge.
Cop on the Edge.
Oh, my God.
All night long.
And, by coincidence, on the program tonight, the original Cop on the Edge,
Bruno Kirby, Jake
Johansson, and the lovely Carly Simon.
We'll do a commercial.
We'll be right back, folks.
Nice to have you.
How about that crazy orchestra?
Thank you.
On the program this evening, Bruno Kirby is here, Jake Johansson, and Carly
Simon.
We had no idea this was happening, but tonight, all night long, like I need to
tell you, we're
doing Cop on the Edge.
She's been in TV Guide for months.
And, by coincidence, our first guest on the program was the originator of that
very,
very popular.
You know, we got a lot of letters from people to PTA school principals, moms,
and dads saying,
please, we enjoy the Cop on the Edge, but it's frightening our kids.
So, we laid off it for a while, but we brought it back tonight.
And, by coincidence, we have the original.
Originator, actually.
Yeah, Bruno Kirby on the program.
Also on the show tonight, we have Carly Simon.
And we'll be holding open auditions for a new cue card guy, so stay tuned.
Find out how it...
Cue card guy on the Edge!
I'm not just a cue card guy!
I'm a cue card guy on the Edge!
Ah!
And, my God, who would have known last night?
Did he call you for tickets?
I had no idea.
Last night, in our audience, it turns out Rush Limbaugh was here.
Just sneaked in.
We just happened to go on over some videotapes.
We found him there in the...
How many years?
Yeah, yeah.
You sound terrific tonight, by the way.
Thank you.
It's nice of you.
Better than ever.
You guys are wonderful.
You do it every night.
You do a great job.
Thank you.
Okay, let's get on with the...
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm sorry.
Can I...
Can I help you?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I in your way?
No.
No, not really.
No.
Oh, I am.
I'm in your way.
A little.
Well, that's bad news for you, Shirley, because when I get in your way, I stay
in your way.
Uh-huh.
What are you looking at, Beethoven?
Oh, wait.
A cop, I guess.
No, no, no.
Not just a cop.
A cop on the Edge.
Yeah, there it is.
A cop on the Edge.
You know, I guess when you get right down to it, you'd probably rather be
called Beethoven than Shirley.
Well, that's true.
Unless, of course, you're happy.
Anyway, in high school, I dated a girl named Shirley Beethoven.
Shirley Beethoven.
Oh, lovely woman.
Please welcome Bruno Kirby.
Good to see you, Bruno.
Welcome back to the program.
It's always nice to have you with us, because I consider you a friend.
I consider you a guy who is wired right into the heart and soul of show
business, and it's a great thrill and an honor to have you with us.
Well, thank you.
It's very nice of you to say that.
Thank you.
And as a friend, a couple of things I'd like to get off my chest.
Okay, go.
Spill it.
First of all, this cop on the edge thing.
You started.
I gave you credit.
But I don't understand how this works.
Robert Pastorelli is cop on the edge.
He's terrific.
He's in, and now I'm out.
Well, yeah, that's show business.
But did you ever hear of a show called Beatlemania?
Beatlemania, oh, yeah.
It wasn't really the Beatles?
No, it wasn't really.
It was just an incredible imitation of the Beatles?
Recreation, sure, of that experience.
Well, this to me is like cop on the edge mania.
Well, I'm not sure if mania applies.
I'm doing my best to try and let go, but it's not easy.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
It's like a child, just like you're pulling a child from a mother.
Right.
Well, forgive me.
But, you know, we wanted you, but we felt, you know, you've gone on to other
things.
Robert Pastorelli wanted the, and he's doing a very nice job.
I don't blame him a bit.
He's a wonderful actor.
Did you go see Beatlemania?
No, I wouldn't go see, you know what happened?
A friend of mine, Peter Gadowski, he turns to me.
Peter Gadowski.
Peter Gadowski.
Peter Gadowski.
He turns to me one day, and he says, you know, I'm going to get some tickets.
We should go see Beatlemania.
And I looked at him, and I said, are you nuts?
He said, no, no, I'm not nuts.
We're not going to get to see the Beatles.
Why don't we go see Beatlemania?
I said, don't you understand how wrong this is?
He said, no, I don't.
I said, well, let me explain it to you.
You come to my house one day.
You knock on the door.
Guy opens up the door.
He looks a little like me.
He's not really me, but he says his name is Bruno.
Yeah.
Huh?
He invites you inside.
He starts talking to you about your life, about his life.
He knows a little bit about my life, a little bit about his life.
Mm-hmm.
But it's just not the real thing.
So what, are you going to make him your best friend now?
Go to Yankee games with him?
What are you going to do?
And I finally got him to back off.
Uh-huh.
You know, just end it.
Move out of it.
But I can't.
Attaboy, Bruno, I love you.
You're always trying, buddy.
I'm always trying.
What's happening here, I'm still emotionally upset.
I know you are.
Let's talk about something else.
Let's put this ugliness behind us if we can.
Now, grab something to jot down these pertinent programming notes about
tomorrow night's program.
Jeremy Irons will be here.
Jeremy Irons.
There's a fine actor, this guy.
Academy Award winner, Jeremy Irons.
Also, Marisa Tomei, Academy Award winner.
Hootie and the Blowfish.
Now, we're going to have them both.
We're going to have Hootie and the Blowfish.
And the Blowfish.
Hootie and Simon.
Because last time it was just the Blowfish.
However, Hootie will be here.
Hootie will be here.
Hootie will be here, yeah.
We have your personal pledge.
Absolutely.
Hootie will be here.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have to do another commercial.
We'll be right back with Carly Simon.
Driver, take me back to the hotel, please.
I'm not your driver, pal.
I'm a cop.
A cop on the edge.
Bobby, if I may make a suggestion.
I think it works better if you give it a little more of a beat between
I'm not just a cop, I'm a cop on the edge.
Something like this.
I'm not just a cop.
I'm a cop on the edge.
So what do we want to do now?
Let's go get some pie.
Okay.
Oh, my gosh.
Are we done?
We're all out of time.
It was great to see you again.
You're always terrific.
Thank you very much for being with us.
Carly Simon, wonderful job.
My thanks also to Jake Johansson, Bruno Kirby, and Robert Pastorelli.
Tomorrow night, Jeremy Irons, Marissa Tomei, and Hootie and the Blowfish.
Thanks for watching.
Good night, everybody.
I understand what you're saying about the next snap, but I have to make it my
own.
It's got to be crisp.
I have to make it my own, though.
That was your cop on the edge.
I mean, I have to own this.
I just can't do an imitation of you.
No, you shouldn't do an imitation.
You did a very good cop on the edge.
I know.
People seem pleased.
I know.
I was wondering why not.