Name: Marc Maron Collection on Letterman, 1996-2013
Uploaded: 2021-01-04T04:47:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Marc Maron Collection on Letterman, 1996-2013' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Marc Maron Collection on Letterman, 1996-2013' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-04. Transcript available.

Marc Maron Collection on Letterman, 1996-2013

Ladies and gentlemen, I couldn't be happier in such a wonderful mood because
our next guest
is a talented comedian making his first appearance with us tonight and this
weekend you can see him
at the Gotham Comedy Club right here in New York City. Please welcome Mark Maron.
How are you folks? Good? If you're not from New York, welcome to New York. I
live here in Manhattan
and I like it all right. The only problem is where I live downtown, people
steal everything in my
neighborhood. They steal things, you know, out of your car, out of your
apartment, off your body.
Then they turn around and sell it right on the street. This actually happened
to me in my neighborhood.
I'm walking down my street. Guy comes up beside me. He's running. He's like,
hey, want to buy this
Walkman? Seven bucks. There was a guy behind him going, hey, what the hell's
going on here?
So I said, how much without the listener would that be? Mm-hmm. Yeah, there's
like chaos going on all the time in this city.
And like, you know, when you live here, you have to have your blinders up 24
hours a day or your head would just pop off.
That's actually how we know how people are not from here because they're
walking around going, oh, they're not from here.
Rob that one, you know. But I had no idea how quickly they went up until this
is what happened to me.
I'm using a pay phone. Two days after I moved here, I'm using a pay phone on
the street.
As I'm standing there, two cop cars pull up onto the sidewalk. Four cops get
out, draw their guns to investigate the store right in front of me.
And my only response was to go, oh, gee.
Not like they have guns, I'll call you back.
But it might get loud in a second.
Thank you.
Hey, could you speak up? There's gunplay on this ad.
Officer, I'm on the phone here. A little respect? Can we take it somewhere?
Kidding. Ha-ha-ha. I'll call you back. All right.
Actually, you know, I actually thought about getting a gun, you know, because
you know how to protect yourself.
And I was in Texas a couple months ago, and oddly enough, they come in some
cereal boxes in Texas.
But, um, no, but I thought for protection.
I mean, I know what it's like to be afraid. I live with my girlfriend.
And the...no, no, that's not where the funny is.
Wrong funny. All right.
No, but you know when you live with somebody and you both wake up because you
hear something, you're not sure what it is.
And she's like, well, what was that? I'm always like, I don't know.
And then I'm like, are you going to go check? You know.
But then I thought, you know, if I had a gun, I'd have a little more confidence.
I'd feel a little more protected.
But then I read somewhere that most people who buy guns and protect their homes
from bad guys rarely end up shooting bad guys.
They just shoot whosoever in the house accidentally, you know.
So then I pictured that same situation.
You know, we both wake up, only have a gun.
And she's like, well, what was that?
I'm like, be quiet, baby.
Give me the gun.
I'll take care of these bastards.
And I can just walk down the hall, you know, and kick open the door and just
like...
Oh, man.
Honey, I shot your cat.
No, I'm sorry.
I thought it was a bad...
No, I'm sorry.
I thought it was a bad...
Why are you yelling at me?
What is your problem exactly?
See, that's how the accidents happen.
See?
Yeah.
Well, you know, you don't want to make your TV debut on Cops.
I'd rather do it here, you know.
But to segue to TV, I don't watch a lot of television.
I've stopped watching television just because it gets annoying after a while.
And I've decided that the only pure television, the only television worth
watching most of the time, is the Food Network.
Let me explain.
Because it's pure, you know.
Never once, when you're watching the Food Network, never do you have to go, who
are these people?
What's going on here?
You know?
It's very...
You start out with raw elements, and, you know, you're moving to something, you
know.
And it's not boring.
There's no shortage of subplot or story on the Food Network.
I mean, you know, like when the guy goes, okay, we're going to put these...
I'm going to put these onions aside for later.
Gee, I wonder what's going to happen with those onions.
I better not get up.
You know, it's actually gotten to the point now where I leave the Food Network
on, even if I'm not home.
That way, I come home, hey, someone's cooking.
I'd like to end on a spiritual note, if I could.
I read recently that a lot less people believe in God now.
And I think that one of the reasons is God doesn't seem to talk to people like
he used to.
If you read the Bible, the Old Testament, the New Testament, every other day,
it was like, Abraham?
Guess who?
Yes, it is God.
I need you to do something for me.
Can you do it?
Thanks.
Knew I could count on you.
Right on.
Okay.
Who's he talking to now?
I don't know.
And then I'm walking down the street, actually in Times Square, and I realize,
maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves.
You know those guys that are like, I can't!
Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, you're the new leader.
No, I can't!
They're not crazy, they're reluctant prophets.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
Very nice, thank you, sir.
We'll be right back with Eric LaSalle from ER.
Our next guest is a talented comedian who will be performing in Seattle,
Washington, at the Paramount Theater on April 23rd.
Here's the funny Mark Maron.
Mark, come on out and...
How are you folks doing?
All right, now I know it's a nice day out, but I've got to ask you a weird
question.
Have you ever thought about how easy it is to completely ruin someone else's
day?
It's a weird question, all right?
But you can walk into a store, maybe on your way to work, walk up to the guy,
hey, how you doing?
Yeah, it's nice out.
Can I get a pack of Marlboro, please?
Let's say, hypothetically, he puts Marlboro lights on the counter, and you just
go, oh, what are those?
I didn't ask for those.
What are you, an idiot?
Are you stupid?
Now, there's a real good chance you ruined his day, all right?
But what you don't realize is, he leaves work with that festering in his head,
just going, what the hell was that guy's problem?
I didn't even say anything, and not thinking, because he's pissed off at you,
he cuts some guy off.
And the guy behind him goes, hey, what the hell is this?
And it goes to that guy, do you see what I'm saying?
And it just goes around and around like that, until somehow or another, it all
ends up in the Middle East.
Do you see how this works?
Now, I know we're at war, I flipped around, I found it on two channels.
Wasn't there a time where war was on every channel?
You're like, what's on TV?
War, what's wrong with you, you know?
But now, I don't think we should live in a time where you can go, ooh, ethnic
cleansing.
Hey, wrestling, I think it's wrong.
And I hope there's not a ground war, but all I can say is that soldiers now are
certainly more prepared than soldiers in Vietnam.
I think that a soldier in Vietnam, 24 hours a day, probably looks something
like this.
Where are they?
What are they doing?
Why are we here?
Jesus!
But I think a soldier now, most of the time, is more like...
Hey, turn on the TV, let's see if we hit anything.
Hey, wrestling.
I'm going to step out on a limb here and say that whatever music you like, you
might be wrong.
Let me explain.
A couple of days ago, I went out and bought a CD by a band I don't even like.
So I had to ask myself, well, how'd this happen?
What am I, stupid?
And then I realized, if you watch MTV or you listen to the radio enough, you
can get hit
in the head with the same song, till one day you just snap and go, must have
limp biscuit,
you know?
So I decided to fight against this corporate occupation of my brain.
And in an act of protest, I went and returned the CD.
And in exchange, I got a CD of traditional Indian music from India.
All right, you can laugh, but let me tell you something.
There's a song on there, 59 minutes long.
That's value.
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm telling you, it's 20 minutes before the drums kick in.
But if you're really listening, they couldn't come in a second sooner.
And I was trying to convince this friend of mine that this was the best music
ever.
And we've been listening to it like 19 minutes.
And he said, this sucks.
And I said, wait.
Those drums, those drums came rolling in.
And he just said, hey.
Stand corrected.
I got an anniversary coming up.
I've been married two years.
Thank you.
And I remember the wedding.
Thank God.
No, but I mean, weddings are weird.
If you really, if you want to have the wedding you want to have,
and your family's involved, forget it.
All right, we thought we were going to get married on a mountain at sunset in
Arizona.
Her mother put the kibosh on that plan with one sentence.
Esther can't make it up the hill.
There's always an Esther, and she's not going up the hill.
You learn a lot about yourself when you're married.
Like, I recently, I never really realized how annoying I was.
This is how annoying I am.
My wife won't give me her work phone number.
I, you know, I'm getting older.
I, you know, I mean, like, it's weird.
I saw my family over the holidays.
And it's a strange thing about your family is that everybody had their problems
growing up.
But, you know, at some point, I realized you just got to sit down with your dad
over coffee,
look him right in the eye, and go, all right, is there any way I can avoid
becoming you?
Is there any way, did you keep a diary?
Is there a map?
Because it's happening, and I want out.
But like I said, I'm getting older, and you realize you're getting older in
weird ways.
Like, I realized recently, teenage girls don't even acknowledge me as a sexual
being anymore.
Now, don't misunderstand me.
I'm not saying I want to have sex with teenage girls.
I'm just saying, hey, throw me a bone.
You know, how about a smile, cute t-shirt, look at me.
Nothing, you know.
I'm lying.
I, of course I want to have sex with teenage girls.
I mean, I mean, come on, doesn't everyone?
I mean, that's why there's a law.
Thank you very much, folks.
Nice job, Mark.
Thank you.
We're at the Paramount Theater, April 23rd in Seattle, Washington.
My thanks to Khalid El-Amin and to Bill Maher.
Have a great weekend.
We'll see you Monday.
Craig Kilbourn is next.
Good night, everybody.
Our next guest is a very funny gentleman.
He'll be performing at the Laugh Stop in Houston, Texas, June 19th through the
22nd.
Please welcome back to the show, Mark Maron.
Oh, Mark.
Come on up.
Thank you.
Well, folks, it's great to be back in New York.
I was traveling a lot lately, and I got searched at the airport, and all I can
say is it's about
time.
It was my first time.
I was getting envious.
I was getting search envy, you know?
I was like, what?
Why not me, you know?
Because it's weird.
When something's random, it doesn't matter what it is, some part of your brain
goes, I want
to win.
It's a charade, and we play along.
You know, I mean, the woman goes through my bag.
She takes out my manicure kit, takes out the little scissors, you know, you cut
nose hairs
with, and looks at me and says, I'm going to have to take these.
And, you know, there's that moment where, you know, she knows it's not me.
I know it's not me.
And I go, really?
You're going to have to take my nose hair scissors?
And she goes, yes, sir, I am.
And I go, well, am I okay?
Because, you know, if I'm not okay, maybe you should just trim it just a little,
because
I want to look my best at the gate.
But it is a charade, and we play along, because it's the democratic thing to do.
We play along, so the people they are racially profiling don't get
uncomfortable.
Basically, we're saying, yeah, yeah, take the scissors.
Yeah, I see the guy.
I see him.
Don't look now.
I see him.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll get new scissors.
Do what you got to do.
You know, terrorism is a bad thing, if that's not clear to anybody.
But the thing is weird.
These guys a