Name: Talk Show Hosts Collection on Letterman, Part 3a of 7: Johnny Carson
Uploaded: 2021-02-06T22:02:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Talk Show Hosts Collection on Letterman, Part 3a of 7: Johnny Carson' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Talk Show Hosts Collection on Letterman, Part 3a of 7: Johnny Carson' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-06. Transcript available.

Talk Show Hosts Collection on Letterman, Part 3a of 7: Johnny Carson

last week dave was on johnny's show tomorrow johnny's on dave's show from the
land of mudslides
brush fires earthquakes and quality television entertainment
eddie van halen very nice thank you very much
you boys ought to make a record uh well this is an exciting moment for us are
we nervous here paul
some of us are yeah we're a little nervous uh it's a pleasure to welcome this
gentleman our
first guest of the show uh he is the star of the tonight show please say hello
to johnny carson
thank you very much
david you will find out
i'll tell you what
you will find out david after a few years this is the only way i can talk with
anybody
i go to i was out to dinner last night at a restaurant i take this with me yeah
i go home
after the show i use this in our bedroom uh-huh i do not perform well without
this desk you know
you know i noticed something right off the bat i think your desk is bigger than
mine
well another 20 years you will have this desk i think we can take this away now
uh... have a lot of you are unloading something from beacons when you brought
that up
i saw you were doing an all prop show tonight so i might as well
at the end of the week we get out all of the props yeah uh... you have your
little yellow sticker there
uh... yes i'm a carrier hepatitis
uh...
i thought your whole crew was infected or something now
uh... now is this uh... uh... thank you very much for being here first of all
uh... let me say something
sure
um... i'm a little miffed at you
oh no
no no no let me tell you why because when they came to me about a month ago and
said would
you like to do the letterman show i said yes i want to do it because i love david
letterman
and i said you know may is beautiful in new york
i'll go first class round trip
i'll have the hotel the limousine
and then i found out you were doing it and i walked across an asphalt parking
lot to get here
and i thought i was going
you know if i
i could have done wheel of fortune on the way over
there's a
there's a man dressed as a giant zucchini in the hall
waiting to go on let's make a deal i could have done that
but anyway i'm happy to be here
well we're terribly happy to have you here
now let me ask you right off the bat
this you must just hate being a guest on somebody's show
it's very strange i think the last show i did seriously was david frost
uh when david came over and fooled everybody for a while
whoa
whoa
you know what i mean
they thought david was an entertainer and then they got on to him
nice thing about guessing
nice thing about guessing you can be cruel
you see on other people's show
you don't have to be here tomorrow
that's the thing
it's very strange sitting here looking this way talking over here
yeah yeah uh do you remember your uh your first uh uh television appearance
uh my very first television
it's a stupid question obviously you remember
well uh yeah i remember but it was in
maybe not
it was stupid star tricks is what this is
uh it was in
it was in it was in omaha
my very first television show was in omaha in 1948 believe it or not
i played a milkman in a documentary called the story of underland fever about
unpasteurized
milk that's true sir is that right absolutely and that did pretty well too didn't
it it's
it still if you have cable you can get it late at night
you mentioned you wanted to come to new york to be on the show when we were
back there do you ever think about you've been in in california how many years
now
do you ever ever entertain any notions of taking the show to california or to
new york uh yeah but we know there's not many facilities back there anymore we
used to work in 6b i understand that's all news now
yeah do you mind if i if i do something i watch what happens if i say yes i
watch your show and one of the things you do that i that i get a big kick out
of is when you make telephone calls to somebody from somebody in your studio
audience you know to say hello to their parents or to make an excuse for them
or something you pick it up and call i would like to do that tonight myself
I watch your show, and one of the things you do that I get a big kick out of is
when you make telephone calls to somebody, from somebody in your studio
audience, you know, to say hello to their parents or to make an excuse for them
or something, you pick it up and call.
I would like to do that tonight myself.
And I asked to have a phone here.
Would you mind if I do that?
Let me show you.
Let me show you.
First of all.
Do you want to come back and do it?
What?
Do you want to take a break first?
We have time now.
It won't take long.
I'm going to show you the number.
I don't want you, I'm sure you won't say anything, because I don't want the
people to pick up on this.
Do you recognize this number?
No, I don't, John.
That's, I've never seen that number before in my life.
I, uh, no, I, uh, no, I've never seen it at all.
Now, this is, now, you're not serious about this.
I am serious.
Is that?
Yeah, that's it.
This is my home phone number back in Indiana.
All right.
I, did you call your mother on Mother's Day?
I certainly did.
Oh, I want to make sure of that, so I'm going to, I have you.
Oh, no.
May I hurt?
Now you're here.
I'm serious.
Oh, no.
Yes?
You know, Mom's hearing is not what it used to be.
Yes, well.
She'll have to come up out of the cellar to answer the phone.
Is this the right number?
That's it.
All right.
May I borrow your phone?
Well, you want me to dial the deal or what?
I guess it would be all right if, let, now this is, this is, don't let them
know what
it is because I, you know, some people can read, they hear it and they read the,
so I
guess we have to dial what, one, then, one.
Is this for real?
God, I guess it is.
Run for your lives.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Okay.
This is my mother.
This is my mother, ladies and gentlemen.
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, yeah.
Did you hear me?
Yes, I can.
Hello?
Is this Mrs. Dorothy Letterman?
That's right, Dorothy.
Yes, it is.
Who's this?
Are you the, are you the mother of David Letterman who does Late Night on NBC?
Oh, yes, I am.
Oh, who is this, please?
Mrs. Letterman, this is Johnny Carson.
I'm calling from NBC in Burbank.
Oh, my word.
Look, how are you?
Fine, thank you.
Mrs. Letterman, can I ask you a question?
Oh, sure.
Has David ever told you that he hopes that I get run over by a Sparklet's water
delivery truck
so he can get the 11.30 time period on NBC?
Has he ever told you that?
Yes, he talks about it frequently.
Thank you very much, Mrs. Letterman.
Bye-bye.
Talk to you about it frequently.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, well.
You see, mothers don't lie.
No, no.
We'll put a tracer on that call.
We have to do a commercial.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
We'll be right back with Johnny Carson.
Thank you, Paul.
Welcome back to the show.
Obviously, Johnny Carson is here.
You and I look like we might be ushering later at some sort of a...
Don't we?
I didn't know you were going to wear your basic hosting outfit tonight.
Now, you mentioned, by the way, Mom was a very happy dear friend.
Now, do you want to explain to people that the...
I suppose we should let him in on the joke by now.
It's an actress by the name of Arlene Banner.
She was talking backstage.
They didn't tip you, did they?
No, no.
Good, I'm glad.
In fact, you know, it sounded to me like maybe a cheerleader had broken into
Mom's house
and...
Answering her phone there.
Mom is not as spry as she used to be.
You know, you met my mom about three years ago.
I didn't know that.
Well, that's what I tried to explain to Mom.
Son!
No, what did I mean to you?
It was, um...
It must have been...
It must have been, uh...
About...
About 38 years ago?
No.
Yeah, she was working a USO place in Omaha.
Now, cut that out.
No, we...
You were, uh...
That's right.
You were doing your show.
Yeah.
And my mom was very thrilled.
That made her entire trip.
She was in California for about 10 days.
I do remember that.
And it just...
It scared me silly.
It really did.
But she...
It was very nice for you to do that.
Now, we're talking about the contract and so on and so forth.
You just, uh, signed a new deal here at NBC.
Have you ever...
How many years has it been?
You're gonna...
You're working on your 23rd year?
We finished...
Yeah, we finished 23 in, uh...
September.
And I understand if you do 25,
you get a Timex watch from NBC.
I may go for the watch.
Go on for the watch.
Go on for the watch.
Go on for the watch.
Have you, uh...
In all of that time,
has there ever been anything NBC said,
Nope, we're not gonna give it to you?
I've pretty well got a lock on them.
No.
You know, you've negotiated with them.
No, we've been very fortunate.
Oh, no, I think my negotiations
and your negotiations
are two different floors of the building.
No, they've been...
We've been...
We've had a good run with you.
We've been very lucky.
The audience has been very loyal.
Yeah.
It's been a nice ride.
Yeah, but I do think you, uh...
By the way...
Pretty much whatever you want.
You've been doing this now for what?
Three years?
Yeah, three years and a couple of months.
I'll tell you what.
You will find, if you continue this,
there will come a time
when you run out of questions.
Maybe that's happened to you already.
Could be happening now.
Right now.
I sense that.
You will have the starlet on
and you will have asked her
whether her mother or father
had the greatest influence
and whether she likes to live
in California or not.
I have about run out of questions.
I have about six or seven left
that I have never, ever asked on the show.
I brought them along.
Oh, good.
Just in case.
Thank God.
Just in case you run into that bad interview.
Thank God.
Where you just don't know what to...
I'm going to will these to you.
Maybe I'll jot these down.
All right.
You're in real trouble.
You say to your guest,
what would you do
if I jammed a lit highway flare
up your nose?
You see?
It's just one there.
Now, you had Bo Derek on
the other night, right?
Yes, we did.
You could have said to her,
have you ever used one of your vital organs
as a hand puppet?
All right.
Hand puppet.
Highway flare.
Some of these, obviously,
are going to be better than others.
Yeah, well, you've got to try them.
Or you skip one.
Here's one here.
Where do you suppose the sock goes
that disappears in the dryer?
Yeah, that's good.
Thought-provoking.
You didn't pay for that plastic surgery,
did you?
That's nice.
And my favorite,
and I think it will probably be yours,
but we'll be the judge at that moment,
you say to your guest,
how would American history
have been changed
if the Secretary of Agriculture
and the Roosevelt administration
had been Johnny Mathis?
Okay.
I think, Johnny,
I'll stay with the highway flare
and the hand puppet.
That highway flare
and the hand puppet.
I like those pretty well.
Oh, my gosh.
You get a lot of movie offers
living in California
all these years?
You must,
people are always saying,
this man would be perfect.
He would be like
another Cary Grant
sort of person.
You know,
I used to get,
I used to get some offers
and Jack Lemmon,
I used to say,
you know,
I could have played
a lot of things
when Jack played,
which would have been fun.
But with The Tonight Show,
as you know,
when you're on the schedule,
I only have like
the longest period
during the w