Name: Bob Dole Collection on Letterman, 1995-96
Uploaded: 2021-02-21T03:24:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bob Dole Collection on Letterman, 1995-96' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bob Dole Collection on Letterman, 1995-96' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-21. Transcript available.

Bob Dole Collection on Letterman, 1995-96

You know, ladies and gentlemen, polls are saying our first guest could be the
next president
of the United States.
Now, now all he has to do is make the announcement.
Please welcome the Senate Majority Leader and arguably the most powerful
Republican in
the land.
Here he is, Senator Bob Dole.
Senator!
Yes, sir.
Pleasure to meet you.
Thank you very much.
Say, I know Al Gore was here about a year and a half ago and he was hammering
up here and
broke your ashtray, so I brought you a replacement.
Well, God bless you, Senator.
Thank you very much.
Look at that.
That's very nice.
It's non-breakable.
It's stolen from the United States Senate.
Right.
You know, Senator, I have the perfect companion piece for that.
You know, we could help CBS out a little bit here tonight with our own home
shopping network.
Here are the lovely items going up for bid.
Political and Hollywood memorabilia on sale tonight on CBS.
Speaking of the vice president and, of course, President Clinton himself, what
is the nature
of your relationship with the president these days, has it changed any since
the big Republican landslide in November?
No, we actually have a good relationship with President Clinton is a very
articulate, very smart, very nice guy to sit down and visit with.
And, you know, I, when he first came, I gave him a check for $250 for his jogging
track.
Oh, I remember reading about that.
I didn't want him running out in the street, scaring people and things like
that.
So, we, so, I gave him this check drawn on my own bank account, not something
many congressmen don't do.
But, in any event, wow, well, you're loaded up tonight, aren't you?
You're ready to go.
So, but he decided, he decided to stay on the streets.
I think he likes the streets better.
He's running outdoors still.
He's still running.
Yeah.
And I think that's one of the problems.
But, in any event, I went down, I went down, I went down, I went down to see
him.
He didn't cash it, you know, let's, but he has it framed.
It's hanging in his little office there.
And when he leaves the Oval Office, he goes back into a little square office.
And it's back in there, nice little frame.
And I said, what do you, you know, I said, just keep it to start with me.
So, he's kept it.
Yeah.
Well, we have a good relationship.
That's good.
And Vice President Gore is a nice person.
Yeah.
Not known as one of the comedians in Washington, but, you know.
But, you know, when he was here, he was very nice.
He tried, he did what he could.
And we were very appreciative to have him there.
He had his goggles on and his hammer.
Yeah, he does a lot of that in Washington.
Really?
He's got his goggles on.
He's always beating up Republicans.
I have an amateur political observation.
You help me out with this.
Since the November election, and the power has shifted,
and things you can feel are different already in this country.
And I think change is always healthy.
But it seems to me also that slowly but surely, in little increments,
the Republicans and some notable figures have kind of been, you know,
stepping on their own feet.
Have been, you know, Newt Gingrich, stuff about men ought to be out hunting giraffes.
Yeah, I don't understand all that stuff.
Dick Armey and the Barney Frank situation.
Piglets.
Yeah.
Piglets and the giraffes.
I don't know.
I skipped all that during our generation, my generation.
But I think things are changing, no question about it.
Newt's doing a great job.
Do you have a good relationship with him?
Oh, yes.
We've had a good relationship for the last several years.
Yeah.
I think it was a little rocky there several years ago.
But Newt is the Speaker of the House.
He's the only Speaker we've ever had named Newt.
That looked good on a bumper sticker, wouldn't it?
Yeah, but we've never had a President named Bob either.
So, you know, I think Newt, you know, I think...
Now, all day today, I was under the impression that you, in fact,
had committed to running for election in 96.
Now, you have or have not?
I have not.
You have not.
But I will...
Well, I'm going to run.
You're going to run for...
Yes, President.
You are going to run for President in 96?
Yeah.
96.
96.
I've thought about a lot, and I think every country ought to have a President.
So we're going to give it a shot.
Now, have you selected the ticket?
You got a running mate in mind?
Well, I have...
We already had some of these printed out, Senator.
I might...
Right.
I might say you were not my first choice.
Oh, well...
Yeah, but now that we've got the buttons, that changes everything, doesn't it?
Yeah, we have a very low-budget campaign, so how many do you have?
We have two.
Well, we actually...
We had another one.
This is me, and in case you didn't go for that idea, we had this one.
Oh, yeah, Dan Quayle, right?
Oh, come on.
Stop.
So now this is official.
You are running.
We all know that that's common knowledge.
I'll make my, what do you call it, a formal announcement in early April of this
year.
Well, now, what about this?
Wasn't this a formal announcement?
This was an informal announcement.
Well, I'm considering this as a formal announcement.
But I think we ought to have two Midwesterns on the ticket.
I think you and I would do a great job, and you could keep people happy, and I
could give them the hard stuff.
There you go.
You know, I wouldn't mind helping out giving them the hard stuff, either.
All right.
We have to do a commercial, Senator.
If you don't mind, stay right there, and we'll continue chatting with this
gentleman right after you take a look at this, folks.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Yes, very.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Senator Robert Dolis here, Mary Louise Parker, and
Pam Pellis.
If you're just joining us, the Senator made an announcement that in 1996 he'll
be running for the President of the United States.
You said it's not a formal announcement.
You make the formal announcement in April, but you realize that this is televised
here tonight.
You're in.
Oh, we're in?
Yeah, that was it.
That was the announcement.
I'd be happy to announce any opportunity I have.
Can you tell me a little bit about, are people going to be better off?
I know nothing about the contract with America.
I don't really know what that means.
It sounds like a great idea, but is it really going to help folks?
Are folks living in Russell, Kansas going to be better?
Folks living in Logansport, Indiana going to be better?
Am I going to be better?
Are you going to be better?
Well, I really think so, and I don't want to be partisan, of course.
Not my nature.
But we are.
We're talking about balancing the budget.
We're talking about another thing, making all the laws that apply to everybody
that's watching this program apply to members of Congress.
And that's a big step forward.
So, and we've done that.
Now, do a lot of guys, when they get into Congress, do they just think, oh, boy,
I'm going to goof off?
Does that go, or do they all take it seriously?
I think they all take it very seriously.
I've known a lot of members of Congress the time I've been there, Republicans
and Democrats, men and women.
And for the most part, there are always a few who come to the wrong meeting,
but, you know.
But most of them are very serious.
Yeah, what about Sonny Bono?
Is he taking it seriously?
Sonny Bono, well, he, fairly seriously, I think, you know.
He found the House chamber last week.
But, you know, the truth of it is, and people, I guess, think that that's
amusing that Sonny Bono,
who spent his entire life in show business and music, is now a representative
of his district in California.
Yeah, he went from show business to politics, and, you know, Mary Cuomo went
from politics to show business.
He was down there with those potato chips.
Selling those chips, yeah.
Selling those chips.
But that's the way the country works, is what I'm trying to say.
Men and women from all walks of life, all over the country, representing this
land in Washington.
I mean, it's supposed to be that way.
And I think it's worked very well over the years.
I think you look back on America, and you ask yourself,
why does everybody want to come to America, and then you take a look at it.
You know, we're not perfect, but you can see why people yearn to come here.
Yeah, absolutely.
Liberty, freedom, opportunity.
And it seems to me that I think the Congress pretty well reflects the cross-section.
We're talking, too, about term limits, you know, about you can only serve.
You know, I think that that, I think it's built in.
I mean, if you get voted out, that's the end of your term, right?
I mean, it's true.
Yeah, but I think 80% of the people support term limits.
12 years for senators, 6 or 8 years for House members.
Senator Thurman from South Carolina.
How old is this man?
He'll be 93 in December.
93.
He came to the Senate, I think, in 1948 to Congress.
He's considering term limits.
He told me the other day that he only wanted to run one or two more times.
And it'll be 105, and he thought it was time to get on with a real opportunity.
And you're going to get those speed limits back up where they ought to be,
right?
Right.
It'll be, I think it'll be 65, be the city limits, 65.
Oh, no, no.
Now, Senator, I know that you, like our vice president, came tonight with a top
10 list of your own.
Right.
He had a top 10 list, but we've cut everything 30%, so I've got a top 7 list.
Top 7?
Oh, good.
Here we go.
Senator Robert Dole with tonight's top 11 list.
What is the category?
Number 7.
Yeah.
Stop paying Clinton speechwriters by the word.
Yeah.
Well, ways to balance the budget.
There we go.
Yeah, let's give you ways to balance the budget.
Top 7 ways to balance the budget.
We're trying to balance the budget.
Yes, that's number one.
Stop paying Clinton speechwriters by the word.
Number 6.
Get Letterman to pay speeding tickets.
Yeah, there you go.
Number 5.
Serve canned hams at all White House state dinners.
Yeah!
Number 4.
Save government ink by replacing a long William Jefferson Clinton signature
with a 70% shorter
Bob Dole signature.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Number 3.
Make Gore and Gingrich pay for those good seats at State of the Union addresses.
Go on, they're right back there.
Yeah, I know.
How the hell did they get back there?
I don't know how he got elected.
I don't know how that happens.
Number 2.
Fire the White House gardeners.
Let Al Gore do something in Ernie's Keep.
Yeah.
And the number one way.
Not easy, isn't it?
No, it's not easy, yeah.
It'd take at least a week to get on to this, yeah.
The number one way to balance the budget, Arkansas.
Sell it.
Well, you know, we've been wanting to have you on the program for quite some
time, and it's
a great pleasure and an honor to have you here, and a lot of fun to meet you.
Thank you very much for your attention.
Can I just say one word?
I have a fellow out in the audience named Frank Carafa, who pulled me out of a
foxhole
way back about 50 years ago.
He's here tonight.
This is the man that saved your life.
Well, he helped save me, yeah.
Don't worry, Frank.
Frank's back there somewhere.
There's Frank right there.
Yeah, there he is.
Good boy.
Thank you.
Senator, thank you again.
Thanks very much.
Good luck.
Have a great weekend.
Senator Bob Dole, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back.
The category, ladies and gentlemen, from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa.
Top 10 celebrity nicknames for me, your host, Dave.
Top 10 celebrity nicknames for me, Dave Letterman.
And here we go.
Number 10, Heather Locklear.
Weasel Boy.
Number 9, ER's George Clooney.
Nurse Dave.
Number 8, Sybil Shepard.
Bonehead.
Number 7, John Travolta.
Lucky.
Yeah.
Number 6, Rosie O'Donnell.
David friggin' Letterman.
Number 5, Mary Tyler Moore.
Lou.
Yeah.
Number 4, John Goodman.
Monkey Boy.
That's right.
Number 3, Siskel and Ebert.
Gump.
Mm-hmm.
Number 2, Senator Bob Dole.
Liberal Media Bubblehead.
Thank you very much.
I'm proud of it.
I'm an MTV Liberal Media Bubblehead.
And the number 1 celebrity nickname for me, Dave, here's Helen Hunt.
Cabin 