Name: Real Toys Collection on Letterman, 1984-1993
Uploaded: 2021-03-16T01:23:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Real Toys Collection on Letterman, 1984-1993' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Real Toys Collection on Letterman, 1984-1993' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-16. Transcript available.

Real Toys Collection on Letterman, 1984-1993

That would have been spectacular, right?
That was just amazing.
Thank you very much.
Now, I want to do this.
You're certainly welcome to stay right there, though.
Oh, I'm supposed to leave.
No, you're not.
You can stay right there.
No, no.
See, a professional can handle it so she doesn't call attention to the...
mistakes.
Oh, no.
No, no, you don't have to leave.
No, it was not a mistake.
We're going to do this now, and then you don't have to leave at all, as a
matter of fact.
You know, once a year, toy manufacturers and toy buyers from around the country
meet
here in New York City to display the latest lines of playthings for children.
Some are educational, some are just loud and dangerous.
Well, they were all there, and tonight we're going to take a visit to the New
York City Toy
Fair.
Okay, Michelle, what is this deal here, this thing?
All right, this is our Ferris wheel that we've designed to exhibit for Toy Fair.
And as you can see, all the gears are working, and it spins around.
The kids should probably not use any sedatives while they're operating this
kind of machinery.
Child build this?
Yes, child build this.
And this propeller is not dangerous?
No, watch.
Okay, let me try that.
Doesn't hurt.
Ow, jeez!
Four or five stitches easily.
This is our vacuum cleaner.
Notice all those white pieces of paper and ashes are coming up.
That's great.
You can clean a two-bedroom home with that thing in six, seven months.
This is our paddle boat, and as you notice, there are paddles and a water hose
that actually
shoots water.
I actually served on one of these in the Navy.
It was a wonderful experience.
The Cabbage Patch dolls are still quite popular, and as you can see, this year's
models are
more realistic than ever.
This gentleman is Milton Levine, the inventor of the ant farm.
And your sign says Uncle Milton Levine.
What should I call you?
By the way, they call me Uncle because you sell ants, you're the uncle.
You know the old gag.
Oh, I see.
Ants, uncles, sure.
Right.
Who harvests these ants for it?
Family and...
We have the same family for 27 years.
Now the grandchildren are doing it.
Uh-huh.
That certainly sounds like fulfilling work.
These are the world's smallest engineers.
No human being could do that.
Have you ever tried it with humans?
All right.
I'm not very good with humans.
I only know about ants.
But what they're really trying to do there is just get out of this thing, isn't
it?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Briefly, if you can, Milton, tell us about the fossil hunt.
What do you get in this thing?
This is brand new at the show.
I shouldn't say that.
We come out with a Dallas show a few months ago.
I thought that it had debuted in Dallas.
Yeah, cool.
Now there's fossils in there, huh?
Arthetic fossils, at least 20, maybe 25.
Now, what if there's 19?
Give you double your money back.
Okay.
Show me, can you show me a fossil on Milton?
Sure.
This is a game.
You've got to find the fossil.
Then we'll give you a fossil.
Wow, you found one right there.
Now what kind of a game is that?
He just sticks his hand in a plastic bag and pulls out a fossil.
Let me see if I can.
Wow, what a challenging game this is.
Let me try one more, Milton.
There's no more fossils in here.
There's only two in this one.
There are monkey fossils in there.
You're short 18 here, Milton.
Here is this year's most talked-about product at the Toy Fair.
It's the anatomically incorrect doll.
Sure to be a big hit, it comes with a handsome set of interchangeable torsos.
Here.
There's three.
Okay.
Here.
There's three.
Okay, now.
There's four.
All right.
There's five.
Look what you're doing now.
Now, is this how the game is played?
Yeah.
And I just fired off 13 shots, and kids just love it.
Got a removable silencer, which is really for cosmetics.
Just the worst dozen silences.
Well, I thought maybe for the house where Daddy liked to sleep late, put the
silencer on.
Good.
Oh, yeah.
So, military looks like it's still strong.
Was last year, will be this year.
So, that's good news for you, huh?
Good news for all of us.
There's a fossil.
Okay, so, out of the guaranteed 20, so far we have six.
There's a fossil expert over there.
Will you please find me a fossil?
There.
She's an expert.
Sure, come on in.
It makes no difference.
She's from the protozoan, period.
This is only a test tape.
Oh, is it?
So, what the hell am I breaking my...
Okay, we have here a new rabbit headpiece, which is going to be part of a
costume line
of gorillas and animals.
It's kind of funny when you put it on.
You know.
That's nice.
That's how I make a living.
It's good with a blazer.
It's a living.
Okay.
And then, what about these items here?
Okay, we have...
Here's a bloody digit.
We have the bruised thumb.
You can just have some fun with it.
These are monster hands.
I've been in the business for 35 years in the line.
Now, which would be the better buy?
To buy, say, eight of these and two of these or just one set of the hands?
Well, I would say one of these because you get eight fingers.
You get the whole deal there.
Okay.
And take a second, Mel, and explain to us the costumes back here.
Up until this year, if you wanted to be a gorilla, you rented it.
But now you can go into a good quality store and purchase one for about the
same price as
you would have rented one before, right?
You can wear it, you know, three, four nights in a row, and you're ahead of the
game.
Yeah, you own it.
Thank you very much, Mel.
Yeah, here's a fossil.
We're going to find 20.
David, we're going to find 20.
We're going to find 20 if we're going to die doing it.
They'd make nice cufflinks, wouldn't they?
Okay.
We'll be right back with Steve Mizorak, folks.
Come on back.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Welcome back to the show.
Monday night on this television program, Lily Tomlin will be here, Clarence Clemens,
and
Edward Zuckerman.
This smells like a rerun, ladies and gentlemen.
But that doesn't mean we're goofing off.
We have something very important to do Monday, and just put up with it one
night, and then
we'll be back on with a new show Tuesday, and then later down the line we'll
explain
what the surprise is that we've been working on for you, and you'll be happy
about it.
But seriously, you're free to watch anything you want Monday night, because it
is a repeat.
You know, ABC was just purchased, so you might want to take your business over
there.
But then, of course, Tuesday, come on back, because we'll have a brand new show
for you.
All right.
You know, with Christmas just around the corner, whether you're young or simply
young
at heart, you're looking forward to those new toys.
That's why we thought it was the perfect moment to visit the New York Toy Fair.
This is Marty Efron.
Marty, you got yourself a line of superheroes here.
Tell us about them.
We have Defender, who is the invincible commander of Earth's solar system
forces.
How old is he?
He's about 25.
Then you have Canis Major, who is the savage beast from the Dark Star.
Okay, he's an illegitimate son of Zardu.
And this guy.
He's Quasar, the twisted henchman of Arcturus.
These belong to the evildoers.
This is Rhino Demon and Dino Demon.
Now, did you think of these names?
Yes.
Now, when you get an idea like that, do you run into the living room?
Hey, honey, I got it?
No, no.
You sit with your thesaurus at your desk, and you think about the concepts.
Tell us a little bit about here we have the wind-up action train set.
It looks like a pretty nice toy, ages 3 and up.
Let's take a look at it and tell us what you get there.
Okay, what we have here is a promotional assortment of toys, a wind-up train
set.
The child simply makes a figure 8, winds up the train, and enjoys himself.
What about the passenger cars?
Where are those?
Are those on the back of the set?
No, there's no passenger cars.
This is $1.49 retail.
I see.
And it just looked like there might be more passenger cars.
This is just to show the train situation.
I know when I was a kid, in fact, you got one up there.
I used to pretend I was with the shore patrol, and we'd spend the weekends, you
know,
pretending we were rounding up drunken sailors and, you know, hauling them out
of bars and stuff.
It was a lot of fun.
I think so.
I used to play with them, too, when I was a kid.
Agent X-9.
Yes, sir.
You know, I think you find most of your secret agents, the really good ones, do
label their stuff like this.
Yes.
Yeah.
All right.
Now, how does that work?
Just press it.
Just press it.
Oh, my gosh.
There you go.
And I've lost a thumb.
Look at that.
It's gone, Jose.
What?
Oh, forget it.
Yeah.
Show us how those work.
It depends on here, for example.
Okay, Gloria, I guess, once again, this is the biggest hit of the Toy Fair, the
Cabbage Patch Kids.
Actually, this is our Popcorn Kids.
It has nothing to do with the Cabbage Patch Kids.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What we have here, of course, these are the Popcorn Kids, right?
No, I'm sorry.
The Tomato Kid Corner.
And up here, this is also a Tomato Kid up there?
No, it's called Falle Kids.
Okay, Bernie, now, this is a toy?
Is that what this is?
Well, it started out as a toy because I originally found it up on top of a
mountain in Japan, and
I asked them what it was, and when they handed it to me, I was kind of shocked
because I dropped it.
It was so hot.
Let me see what this is.
Damn.
Okay, Zig, so what we have here is, this is one of the Tomato Kids, right?
No, it's a Goo Goo Kid.
It's a Goo Goo Kid.
Well, he's called Buzzy, and it's a cookie crafter.
You just cut a cookie out.
You just follow the outside of the stencil.
Shouldn't you be wearing safety goggles?
Tell me about this.
That's as Elvis lives.
I think Elvis would appreciate it, a tribute that he could also eat.
You want to try it?
Let me just see.
What happens if a kid would, this is pretty much a tile.
Okay, touch it.
Let me try it.
It's very safe.
Ah!
Damn!
Jeez!
Okay, Mike, so what we have here, these are the Goo Goo Kids.
Is that correct?
No, that's not correct.
These are the Rice Paddy Baby.
The Rice Paddy Baby.
These are dolls that are immigrating from Hong Kong.
Okay, so what, this is new from Coleco.
This is, obviously, it's a puppet.
What, what exactly can you tell us about that?
Well, David, what this is, is a Sektar.
It comes from the planet Symbion, which is on the far reaches of another galaxy.
And it's a fusion of man and insect.
So the concept was, we have a superhero who rides a fly.
Okay, Dick, so what do we have here?
These are the Rice Paddy Babies.
No, those are the Cauliflower Babies.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the father of the sea monkey, Harold Bronhood.
Tell us about the, the very beginnings of the sea monkey success story.
Well, the sea monkeys began way back in the 1950s, when the phenomena of brine
shrimp eggs
was first discovered, and the little tiny creatures were used as a fish food.
Is the formula a secret?
Oh, yes.
It's a trade secret.
You know, I hate to think what would happen if that information fell into the
wrong hands.
Okay, Al, so what we have here, this is the, uh, one of the Cauliflower Kids,
right?
No, David.
This is a Cabbage Patch Kid.
Okay, and what's this?
You got this one, uh, suspended from the ceiling, which, uh, just kind of
teaching them a lesson,
or what, what exactly?
Apparently it's been a problem child.
Here's a little something you, you can do with the, the sea monkeys when they're
full grown.
Just take the, the cap off, like, like that.
And we have, I don't know, a couple of dozen in there.
Just, there you go, boys.
This one's still swimming around in there.
Oh, goodbye.
Well, there you have it.
Another visit for the annual New York City Toy Fair.
It was, uh, really kind of an adventure, wasn't it?
And, uh, actually it was more, more like a fantasy.
No, I think, uh, more accurately, you could say it was an odyssey.
Uh, no, perhaps more like a, a musical comedy.
Whatever, gosh, we had fun, and, and we learned something about our fellow man.
And if you're like I am, you're, you're probably tired right now,