Name: Hairpieces Remotes on Letterman, 1985, 1997
Uploaded: 2021-04-14T02:18:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hairpieces Remotes on Letterman, 1985, 1997' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hairpieces Remotes on Letterman, 1985, 1997' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-14. Transcript available.

Anyway, on the show Monday, Dr. Ruth Westheimer will be joining us, and what
else?
Is that it?
60 Minutes with Ruth Westheimer?
Oh, yeah, watch this one, folks.
Yeah, I'd take a look and see what the CBS movie is that night.
It's only a joke, ladies and gentlemen.
I have nothing but the highest regard for the CBS late movie.
For Dr. Ruth.
I'm only teasing here now.
Okay, you know, the world of show business has had...
By the way, Hal, can we see the freeway again?
Yeah, here it is.
This is actually what our window looks at.
Look at that.
Unbelievable.
The world of show business has had many glamorous figures of mystery.
The noise is driving me nuts.
Dreda Garbo, Howard Hughes, Marlon Brando.
Something...
Something we call fun with sound effects.
Anyway, many glamorous figures of mystery.
Greta Garbo, Howard Hughes, Marlon Brando.
Well, we are fortunate enough tonight to be granted a rare interview with
perhaps the most misunderstood of all,
great recluses, the hair peacemaker to the stars, Mr. Nicholas of Hollywood.
If you're anything like I am, when you're at home watching your favorite TV
show or enjoying a fine film,
you're always saying to yourself, boy, those stars are awfully well-groomed.
How do they get to be that way?
Well, many of them are wearing Nicky hairpieces.
And that's why, while we're in Hollywood, we decided we'd stop in and pay a
visit to Nicholas of Hollywood.
Nicholas, do me a favor.
Give me the names of some of your clients that we might recognize.
I would rather not say who my clients are.
You're worried about a lawsuit, aren't you?
Well, more or less.
Look, look, look.
Let me worry about the legal problems, okay?
Well, I'm working on one right now for Clyde Baldwin.
Clyde Baldwin is a very famous man.
He does it, Al Jolson.
He's the only one today who does Al Jolson in the big leagues.
I know you've been responsible for some developments in the hairpiece industry.
Tell us a couple of your innovations.
When I first came into the hairpiece business, there were no names for styling.
And it was very confusing because people wanted a style.
They didn't know how to call it, by what name.
There was nothing to identify a particular look.
Exactly.
So we start giving them looks of names after celebrities.
This is the style that Jack Klugman wears.
This is the Jack Klugman style.
And you're talking about the hair, not the eyebrows.
No, we're talking about the hair, the hairpiece.
This is the Tom Jones style.
And then we have the Frank Sinatra style.
Frank Sinatra as an 11-year-old girl.
Nicholas, tell me about this article in the newspaper on the wall there.
What is that?
Well, the baby was catching colds all the time, so they put a hat on him at
night,
but they had to attach it some way under his chin.
But they were afraid he might choke to death.
So that's when I spoke to his grandmother, and she told me,
let's try a hairpiece with tape.
Now, as far as you know, no one has choked to death wearing a hairpiece.
No, unless they would decide to eat it.
I'm confused.
How does that have anything to do with putting romance back in your marriage?
Oh, that's just the headline of the Inquirer.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's only the headline of the Inquirer.
That's my mistake.
I'm sorry.
Now, let me ask you a real personal question.
Are you wearing any of your products anywhere on your body now?
Yes.
I wear a hairpiece.
Oh, you're wearing a hairpiece.
But everything from the hair down is?
Yes.
Most of it from the hair down is mine.
Okay, good.
And what is this model?
Well, this is a model.
It's actually a newer type of a situation.
We haven't got a name for this one yet.
It's a younger generation.
I look like an opening act for Don Ho.
Okay, Nick, in the final analysis, I know you've written a book on this topic.
What is it that you need to know to buy a hairpiece?
Well, let me read you a chapter from my book.
In fact, the last page.
What do you need to buy your first hairpiece?
Courage.
The courage to stop thinking about it and to start shopping for hairpiece.
The courage to see yourself going to work for the first day with your new hairpiece.
The courage to go home to your wife and children for the first time with your
new look.
The courage, if unmarried, to face your girlfriend or girlfriends for the first
time.
The courage to see all your personal friends with your new happies.
The courage to go to the club for the first time wearing your new happies.
Courage, courage, courage.
That's all it takes.
Thank you very much, Nick.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, Nicholas.
We'll be right back with Lee Marvin.
Give me a favor.
Take a shot of our good friend Paul Schaefer.
You see this man right over there, Paul Schaefer.
Paul and I have known each other how long, Paul?
20 years?
30 years?
40 years?
A couple of months ago, Paul says, I have an opportunity to be in a movie, and
he wanted
to go to Canada.
Dan Aykroyd, coincidentally, who's a guest on the show tonight, is star of the
movie of
Blues Brothers 2000.
3000?
2000.
2000.
Are you working on Blues Brothers 3000?
Yeah, that's in the works, yeah.
So, for the part, Paul had to shave his head, and when he came back, you see it's
just growing
back now.
It's just starting to grow back.
Yeah.
And so, Paul and I were talking about it one day, and, you know, look at this,
you know,
it's, look at this, it's receding.
This is, this is like the Gulf of Mexico, here's the Atlantic.
That's nothing.
And then the keys come down there.
So, you know, my hair is sneaking back all the time, so Paul and I were having
one of
those chats that, you know, guys have about, well, what do you think, would you
ever
get a hairpiece?
And, you know, I don't know, one thing led to another.
I said, well, what the hell, Paul, why don't you and I just go to a place, we
went to the
International Hair Forum here in New York City, on Fifth Avenue, to explore the
possibility
of one or both of us, you know, buying a toupee.
Here, take a look.
Unfortunately, he happened to shave his head, and we don't have enough, I mean,
we can play
around and do something.
There isn't enough wig to cover.
Yeah, well, you know, he's very bald.
Thank you.
Right now.
Do you have any ideas as far as style you're looking for, what you want to do?
Paul was telling me coming up in the elevator that he actually, this look,
while I like
it, frightens his wife and child.
Yeah, they don't like it.
Yeah, they don't care for it.
They're frightened by it.
Honey, I'm home!
Now, do you have famous clients?
Like, let's just mention some clients.
Regis Philbin, he wears a full toupee, doesn't he, Paul?
I heard that he did.
Yeah, full hairpiece, Regis Philbin.
Would it be beneficial if we took a look at a picture of Paul when he was
younger?
Would that help?
That would be fantastic.
All right, let's take a look at that.
What is this?
Is that actually human hair?
Yeah, it's human hair, as I feel.
Really?
And where do you get it?
We get it from Eastern Europe.
You seem a little vague there about the origin of the human hair.
No, that's where it comes from.
You sure?
Eastern Europe, China.
You don't get it out of the Port Authority?
But you look like a Billy Bob Thornton.
You see what it looks like?
Now, you see?
Yeah, talk about it.
There you go.
This actually adds several years to me.
A little back?
Oh, that's nice.
I have this cantilevered effect here in the front.
This pericine.
Yeah, like little rotating props here.
This is where you put your soybeans, and then every year you rotate them.
A little something I learned from the Chinese.
You look, you've managed to make it look like he smells bad.
How proud?
Well, yeah.
Luckily, he can't smell on television.
Would you sit next to this guy on a bus?
No.
Now, see, here again, what we've done is, this is my sister.
This is my sister.
Well, we can show us something like this.
Yeah.
It's not the word to fill out here.
My dentist, though, has this.
Really?
Your dentist has this?
Yeah, I recognize this.
What's your dentist's name?
Saul.
I like that.
It's not a bad day.
You know what you can do with that?
If you wanted to kind of like wax up your head and then put that on, you can do
that silly joke with the soup.
You know what I mean?
Shoo!
So do you glue these on?
Well, what happens here is we asphyxiate it to his own hair.
You asphyxiate it to...
You asphyxiate it to...
Whatever you want to call it.
It's a little stuffy in here, but...
Well, you chose to call it asphyxiate it.
Yeah, I think that's when you get smothered by your own toupee.
You know what we should do that always gets a laugh?
You know what I'm talking about?
When we take that shot of us, you know what I'm saying?
Here, watch this.
Let's go do it.
All right.
Welcome aboard Space Station Mirror, comrade.
You just, there we go.
Paul, do you have any loose joints?
You pulled my car, man.
Check it out.
Yeah, I don't think this is going to go.
You know what we ought to do, Paul?
What?
This is it for me.
You pick out one and we'll just go downstairs and see if anybody notices us.
All right.
Well, you can't tell but...
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
New York Times are big, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
That was a fun day.
For the golden years.
Yeah, that was a good day.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a wonderful program for you.
Dan Aykroyd is here.
Jack Hanna from the Columbus Zoo.
And boys to men.
We'll be right back with Dan Aykroyd after this.